President Fluffy Fucker:
Let us say that you're a guy who' datin' a woman who's totally into stuffed animals. She's got the Care Bears and their goddamn cousins. She's got bunnies, kitties, Build-a-friggin' Bears of every shape and size and costume. You thank Christ that she missed the whole Beanie Baby thing, but, c'mon, how many Gunds does one human being need? And one day she walks into her bedroom in her apartment and catches you fuckin' one of them. That's right. You're balls deep in Funshine Bear and you just didn't expect her home. It's bad enough that you're in her place when she didn't invite her. But now she's gotta deal with the sight of you, pants off, thrusting your cock into a smilin' yellow bear.

You also know she doesn't know the worst part, yet – that you’ve been sneakin' into her place for weeks, fuckin' the bunnies, the kitties, and those sassy ass Groovy Girls who just want it nasty. You can't stop yourself. You've got a problem. And while you know your relationship, such that it is, can never be the same, especially when she finds the crusty spots on Snookum Bunny, you might be able to ask for forgiveness and see what happens.

Except when she demands an explanation, you turn it around on her. Why can't she support you? She's got all these fluffy fuckers just layin' around here – why can't you have your way with 'em? Hey, in fact, by fuckin' Hello Kitty, you’re sayin', "Good-bye, pussy" and not cheatin' on her. And if she'll just be patient, you'll have worked this out of your system and everyone will be happy, if a bit defiled.

Seriously, and, c'mon, really, what the fuck can Bush say tonight that's gonna make everyone who's turned so viciously on him suddenly think that the war in Iraq is just jim-holy-shit-dandy. All it's gonna be is the same bullshit we've heard from Rumsfeld and McClellan and the rest: me stop terrorism, we safer, no rape rooms, the Keystone Iraqi forces are growin', we will win, loss of life bad, insurgents be foreign killahs. And, hey, lick my balls, we're stayin' the course.

To return to our story of hot fluffy sex: Any reasonably sane woman would throw you the fuck out of her life and maybe, for good measure, have you arrested. Would that America might react the same way to Bush’s arrogant propaganda moment.

(Is this an absurd analogy? No shit. Welcome to America in the 21st century. Motto: We’re absurd, you can shove a fish up your nose.)

Tomorrow: Well, the Rude Pundit Was Right About the Speech.