RNC Day Four: We Beheld What We May Become

If I could pinpoint one thing in Donald Trump's sweaty, screechy, masturbatory "Tales of American Armageddon" last night that might actually give other Republicans pause, as they figure out how to deal with a presidential nominee who has tossed out many of their most cherished beliefs, it would be this: One word that was conspicuously absent from the speech was "Congress."

At no point in the entire exhausting, tedious, repetitious series of barks and growls did Trump say he would go to Congress to ask for something. Not once did he even hint that he understood that he couldn't just clap his wee hands and make it so. In fact, everything in his acceptance speech was pointedly about how he and only he can solve the problems in the country. "I am your voice," he said, twice, along with "I will be your champion" and "I will restore law and order to our country." That last one was followed by an unscripted, emphatic "Believe me. Believe me." On it went: "I am going to bring jobs" to various states; "I am not going to let companies move to other countries;" and more. Even worse, "I alone can fix it." If Barack Obama had said that one night, he'd've been lynched before sunrise by conservatives for being a tyrant.

What is going to happen if Trump is elected and Democrats in the Senate block a bill to build the stupid border wall? Or a bill to change the Affordable Care Act? What is he going to do? Trump would say that he'll make deals with them, as if that never occurred to President Obama, who gave Republicans nearly everything they asked for in many negotiations while still getting stabbed in the gut by them when it was time to vote. Senators have a long memory, and Democrats will want payback. So what will Trump do? He'll do what his idiot hordes demand, up to and including violence. Because when you have a cult of personality, the leader of that is the only thing that matters. You have to believe whole-heartedly in him and support even his most heinous acts because that's easier than admitting you're wrong. You would rather pretend that a crass, bourgeois piglet is a man of the people than face the reality that he's just a puny, pampered pig.

You can find fact checks of all the lies in a speech that Trump promised would be filled with "facts." You could drive yourself mad trying to get your mind around so much of the shit he said. For instance, apparently, Hillary Clinton is the alpha and omega of all bad things going on in the world. Egypt turmoil? Hillary. Iraq? Hillary. Hot Lebanese dude didn't message you back on Grindr? Hillary. In fact, Clinton is such an evil genius and agent of destruction that we'd better elect her before she has us all killed.

And Trump went further than any of the fearmongers before him in portraying the United States as a nightmare, a lawless landscape of rampant crime (which is really down), cops being gunned down (fewer than ever), and undocumented immigrants murdering the fuck out of us (very rarely). The world itself is falling to pieces (despite it being one of the most peaceful periods in the planet's history). Every one of Trump's assertions is factually wrong. That's not just an opinion. Facts, actual numbers, something that Trump is very fond of mentioning, bear that out. But, no, the whole place is turning to shit, according to Trump. The only solution Trump offered is Trump. Trump will make it all better. All you gotta do is vote him in. Then America will be great again. He'll do it all by himself.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is the con: You make everyone believe that the world is turning to shit and then when you're elected, you just change the spin. "Oh, hey, look, crime is way down," you say, not even hinting that it was down before you were elected. "Oh, hey, look, my strategy on ISIS worked," you say, not mentioning that it was headed that way anyways. "Oh, hey, look, I've put into place a nearly two-year process for incoming refugees," you announce, leaving out that that's how it's been for a long time. See how easy it is to make America great again? You just start saying it is and then, racist blinders off, everyone looks around and says, "Well, shit, things really are pretty good." And for shit that wasn't getting done because Republicans wouldn't let it get done, like child care and infrastructure spending, hell, all of a sudden, the GOP will be the biggest fan of funding bridges and roads. And who gets all the credit? Not the nigger president who obviously fucked it all up because he's such a nigger. All accolades go to Trump.

Along those lines, I have a theory about how we got here. I call it the "Nigger Rejection Theory." See, lots of white people have staked a great deal of their identity and political beliefs on the notion that whiteness is superior to any other race. Niggers aren't good for anything other than basic shit. Sure, sure, black people could entertain them, in movies, music, and sports. Those niggers are fine because they exist only as images and they don't have a day-to-day effect on the lives of these white people. However, along comes Barack Obama, and he's not only president, but he's pretty good at it. In fact, the nigger president succeeded in making the lives of these white people better than they were under the last white president.

They simply couldn't reconcile that. These white people all of sudden found themselves with health insurance, many with jobs, most with lower taxes, and it all happened because of the nigger president. What can you do? You can either admit that your life-long, family-passed-down prejudices are completely wrong and that niggers can do lots of things, including leading the free world. Or you just go into complete denial because you just can't stand to give a nigger credit. Now, here is Trump, telling you that everything is wrecked and it's all turning to shit and, well, fuck, that sounds good because it makes the nigger and his cunt sidekick look bad.

Goddamn, it must feel good to have to give up on a challenging thought and just get your primal racism nerve massaged.

The greatest slap in Obama's face in the whole Nazi rally was when the idiot hordes started chanting, "Yes, you will" at Trump. It was the bizarro version of "Yes, we can," Obama's campaign rallying cry. Obama was saying that we all needed to work together and, even if you think, like I do, that he didn't ask us to do enough, at least he was including us. For Trump and the idiot hordes gazing up at his bloated visage, framed in gold, no such effort is needed beyond making sure that their godhead gets into office. All good things will pour from that. Trump is like the high school asshole guy who tells a girl that giving blow jobs will improve her complexion. No, it won't. All she'll end up with is a mouthful of jizz and a satisfied jerk going home.

Almost a year ago, I joked that "Kneel before Zod" was Trump's guiding principle. Now it appears that that will be his governing policy. If none of this scares you, then you are too fucking dumb to breathe, but you'll still vote.  And if the media makes this into just another day at the races, then we should all invest in kneepads.


RNC Day Three: Notes on a Traitor

Yesterday, over on the Twitter machine, I made a simple suggestion to Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Couching it in terms of his crushingly awful performance as Samuel Parris in The Crucible when he was a student at Harvard, I asked Cruz to think about John Proctor in Arthur Miller's play about a man standing firm on principles against forces that want him to abandon them and give in to their power. Proctor doesn't, and he is executed for refusing to lie about himself. I asked Cruz to think about who the Devil is in his life and what he should do about it.

And then, last night, lo and behold, Cruz walked up to the snack table at the Republican's party and took a giant dump in the punch bowl while everyone screamed at him to stop.

Yeah, after a pretty boilerplate right-wing Republican speech - blah, blah, Hillary sucks, blah, blah, blah, Constitution, yadda, enemies, whatever - Cruz ended by exhorting the idiot hordes to "vote your conscience," which the delegates took not only as a non-endorsement of nominee Donald Trump but outright heresy, with screams of "Traitor" and "Honor the pledge" and "Fuck you." Trump himself appeared to gaze, like an angry toad, on the chaos as his minions egged it on and his horrible family looked on. Cruz's wife, Heidi, derided as ugly in something Trump retweeted, had to be escorted out lest the idiot hordes rip her limb from limb. Cruz wiped his ass on the tablecloth, perhaps while looking the toad straight in his eyes, and strode away. And nobody really gave a dry mouse shit about Newt Gingrich telling us about his night terrors or Mike Pence's lumbering monologue about how Trump will Trump you with his Trumpiness or that Scott Walker even exists.

This morning, Cruz met with the Texas delegation, most still wearing their dumbass cowboy hats. At first, Cruz tried to walk a line. He coyly asked why anyone would boo for him saying, "Vote your conscience" (a line that the Hillary Clinton campaign took and ran with). He said he wouldn't speak negatively about Trump, but that Trump hadn't earned his vote yet, and, oh, no, he won't vote for Hillary. But then the questions started and the smarmy, faux-chummy facade cracked. "I am not in the habit of supporting people who attack my wife and attack my father," Cruz said, and in that moment his heart grew three sizes and his spine unbent to make him completely upright. He would not be "a servile puppy dog" to Trump, he said. And when he asked, " Can anyone imagine our nominee standing in front of voters answering questions like this?" he wasn't talking about answering questions period. He meant answering them with forthrightness, clarity, and honesty.

For an example, look at Trump's interview in the New York Times about foreign policy, where he said, among other terrifying shit, that he would shitcan agreements with NATO if the other countries didn't pay protection money to the United States, as if somehow a stable Europe isn't in America's best interest. Here, though, is the exact quote from the transcript: "If we cannot be properly reimbursed for the tremendous cost of our military protecting other countries, and in many cases the countries I’m talking about are extremely rich. Then if we cannot make a deal, which I believe we will be able to, and which I would prefer being able to, but if we cannot make a deal, I would like you to say, I would prefer being able to, some people, the one thing they took out of your last story, you know, some people, the fools and the haters, they said, 'Oh, Trump doesn’t want to protect you.' I would prefer that we be able to continue, but if we are not going to be reasonably reimbursed for the tremendous cost of protecting these massive nations with tremendous wealth — you have the tape going on?"

That's some Mafia shit right there. "I would prefer to offer you my good graces, but you must be willing to pay what I ask and kiss my ring. And then my ass." And it's expressed in almost Palin-esque gibberish. Dumb fuck. And you're a dumber fuck if you support him after that. No, fuck that. You're a terrible human being if you support Donald Trump, and you deserve every bad thing that would happen to you if he's elected.

Not Ted Cruz, though. He stood there and taunted the idiot hordes. And it was a thing of beauty.

Now you, dear, dear liberal, may feel conflicted about feeling even an inkling of positivity towards Ted Cruz. After all, he is an asshole, a son of a bitch, a dick, a fart in human form, and lots of other things rolled into one odious, annoying package. He believes appalling things, about abortion, about voting rights, about LGBT rights, about...well, pretty much everything. But let's not care about that for a moment. Let's not care that Cruz might be positioning himself for 2020. Fuck 2020. And let's not care about any of the spin from the Trump campaign, which is trying to make itself seem so magnanimous by allowing Cruz to speak. Let's just not give a shit about that.

In this moment, Cruz is Cersei Lannister taking out the High Septon. He is William Munny gunning down Little Bill. He is Walter White rescuing Jesse. An awful person can rise to the moment to do something good, to do away with those worse than them. You don't have to like them. You don't have to get all warm and fuzzy.

You can sit back with a drink and say, "I'd rather have a narcissistic motherfucker working for me than against me, even if it's just this once."


RNC Day Two: The Motherfucker and the Prick

Part 1: The Motherfucker
The Fat Man strode onto stage at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland last night absolutely cocky in his Fat Man suit and tie. His job was one he relished like a corndog on the Seaside Heights boardwalk: to demonstrate that he could fuck mothers better than any other motherfucker in a whole convention center of them. The Fat Man declared himself the prosecutor in a case against Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

Oh, how the Fat Man loved the attention, the adulation, as he lied and prevaricated and exaggerated Clinton's record as Secretary of State. God, how the Fat Man could have awkwardly reached under his stomach to jerk himself off as the idiot hordes chanted, "Lock her up," turning policy disagreements into high crimes, the better to tee up the inevitable impeachment hearings when Clinton is elected. The Fat Man used his accusations to dance and prance on the stage, the cruel Fool twisting this way and that, all this buffoonery for the enthralled rabble, eager to sate its bloodlust, and the pampered, primped family of Donald Trump sat in the gallery, looked on approvingly, as if all that was needed was a guillotine and the scene would be complete.

The Fat Man obviously felt powerful in his motherfucker role, as if this was what he was always destined to do. He made logical leaps that were astonishing to behold, like when he misrepresented Clinton saying that Syria's president is "a reformer" and "a different kind of leader." It didn't matter at all that she was merely reporting what others had told her and that she was adopting a wait-and-see attitude. Oh, no. The Fat Man decided that was enough to imply that Clinton was partly responsible for the deaths of 400,000 people in Syria. Clinton, according to the Fat Man, is the nexus of all evil around the world, from Nigeria to Cuba to China.

The Fat Man was just the mightiest fucker of mothers of an evening spent fucking mothers. Prior to him, Clinton had been accused of causing the Benghazi deaths, of essentially intentionally leaking classified information through her email server, of attacking women that had been, according to a cruel woman earlier, allegedly "sexually abused" by Bill Clinton. Outside, in just the last few days, there have been calls for Hillary Clinton to be hanged or shot.

To the Fat Man, the cruel woman, all the other motherfuckers, in Cleveland and elsewhere, one has to ask: What the fuck do you think you know? Seriously, what special knowledge about Hillary Clinton do you have that no one else seems to have? No, really. What do you know that multiple congressional committees, for 25 years, including ones led by Republicans, multiple investigations from the FBI, and multiple independent counsels don't know? You read some shit on a website. Every fucking time that someone has attempted to even get Hillary Clinton charged with a crime, it has failed once the facts were clearly ascertained. If you're holding back some super-secret piece of evidence that fucking Kenneth Starr, Rick Lazio, and Trey Gowdy couldn't find, then you better get that out now. Otherwise, just admit that you've got jack shit to back up anything you're saying. But you won't. Because you're motherfuckers, and you'd rather just keep fucking mothers than pretend there's anything like "truth."

Part 2: The Prick
Without a doubt, Donald Trump, Jr. is a douchebag prick. Only douchebag pricks proudly shoot down elephants and display their cut-off tails as trophies. And only a douchebag prick could get up there to give a speech with his greasy, slicked-back hair and try to make himself sound like he comes from a humble background when, really, he is just the prick prince in a kingdom of pricks. Look at the shit he said, like when he tried to Horatio Alger his father's story: "When people told him it was impossible for a boy from Queens to go to Manhattan and take on developers in the big city, rather than give up, he changed the skyline of New York." Yeah, it was really fucking hard for a millionaire with shitloads of connections from his developer father to become a developer.

Or look at this: "The other party gave us public schools that far too often fail our students, especially those who have no options. Growing up my siblings and I, we were truly fortunate to have choices and options that others don't have. We want all Americans to have those same opportunities." This little prick went to the Hill School in Pennsylvania, which doesn't take vouchers and costs $35-55,000 a year, depending on if you board there. To pretend that "all Americans" would be able to get an $8000 voucher and go to Hill is absurd. It's a fucking lie from a prick.

You want to know where the game is? You want to know the big lie in Junior's seemingly populist speech? It's when he attacked the Dodd-Frank Act, which imposed some regulation on the financial services industry. Junior said that it was a thousand pages long and that "What it does is destroy small business in favor of big businesses, who can afford the vast number of lawyers and accountants needed to comply." Except, of course, for all the protections in the actual law that help small businesses. Getting rid of it will only enrich the Wall Street pricks who probably giggle when Donald and Junior mock them.

And he ended with one other line that gave away the whole sham. In his big finish exhorting everyone to bow down to his father, Junior said, "When we elected him, we'll have done all that, we'll have made America great again, greater than ever before." All by himself, just by putting his ass into a chair in the Oval Office, America will become great. No work needed. Just a sign on what will no doubt be rebranded, "The Trump White House."

By the way, the prick also told an adviser to John Kasich, when they offered the vice-presidency to the Ohio governor, that the VP would be in charge of domestic and foreign policy. What would Trump be in charge of? "Making America great again," Junior said.

The chanting idiot hordes and larger idiot hordes of voters don't give a fuck about democracy. They want a king who can simply clap his hands and make what is not real into reality, or at least the reality he tells them it is.  They want a myth and they want to kill or jail anyone who tries to get in the way of their myth. The faithful shall not be denied their reward of a great America, even if they have to destroy America to get it.


RNC Day One: Random Observations on a Pathetic Parade

1. If the first night of the Republican National Convention is remembered for anything other than the insistent invocation of the United States as a scorched hellscape of a nation in the wake of the presidency of Barack Obama, a nation that is as much a fiction as a shining city on a hill ever was, it will be that the campaign of nominee Donald Trump exploited and embarrassed two women before tens of millions of people.

2. The most appalling sight of the appalling evening was Pat Smith, mother of Sean Smith, who was killed in the attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya. Smith has long been on a tear to get at some kind of truth for her child's death over what she claims she was told by Hillary Clinton at a memorial for her son, that an anti-Muslim video caused the attack. Frankly, it doesn't matter if it was an anti-Muslim video, a planned terrorist attack, or goats with guns. None of those would bring back her son, but, hey, fuck that Hillary. So Trump had Smith go out and speak to the delegates, many of whom, probably drunk, started crying watching this obviously grieving and Valiumed to the gills woman try to make policy from her pain. Which was more disgusting is up for grabs. "I blame Hillary Clinton personally for the death of my son. That's personally," Smith said, as if Clinton had gone to Benghazi and put a bullet in her son's skull. But the bloodlust was rising as outrage grew among the idiot hordes on the floor, an outrage that never fucking occurred at the Republican Convention in 2004 when the man who was president during the 9/11 attacks took the stage. Smith put a bow on it by saying, "Hillary for prison. She deserves to be in stripes." Then she turned around, confused, wondering where she should go, lost, with seemingly no one to guide her away.

2a. Oh, wait. The most disgusting thing was that Donald Trump called into Bill O'Reilly's Crematorium of Reality on Fox "news" at the same time as Smith's speech, which meant that he wasn't even watching it.

3. It doesn't fucking matter if Melania Trump speaks six languages, as Trump lackeys kept telling us today. It doesn't fucking matter that she spoke at the convention without shitting herself, as if that was the measure of quality. Part of her generally terrible, platitudinous, vacuous speech was plagiarized. Purely and simply, two paragraphs of it came from Michelle Obama's amazing 2008 convention speech. Using my crazy English professor skills, I know from plagiarism. If a student had written that in my class, I would make them scrap that paper and start from scratch as punishment. (Others would look to have the student drummed out or at least fail the class, but I'm not a dick.) And the Trump campaign, which shouldn't have pushed Ms. Trump to speak when she reportedly didn't want to, which should have anally probed the speech for problems no matter who wrote it, should just admit it fucked up and stop trying to bend the truth to its will. That's totalitarian bullshit, man. That's 2+2=5 and you're a traitor if you think otherwise.

3a. Bonus points to dunderheaded conservative commentator S.E. Cupp on CNN, who said of Melania Trump's speech, "I don't really see a bad ending to however this goes for her tonight." Punditry at its best.

4. But, honestly, the plagiarism is the least of the sins of the evening, which included parading out people whose loved ones were killed by undocumented immigrants. What the fuck are we supposed to do with that? Oh, hey, how about countering with the undocumented man who saved a young girl from abduction? Or the one who helped save the life of a 9 year-old boy in an auto accident in the desert? Those are children who likely would have been dead or seriously harmed without the intervention of an undocumented immigrant. Should they speak at the Democratic convention? No, because this whole fucking argument is dumb and besides the point. All Trump wanted to tell the idiot hordes on the floor and at home is that "illegal aliens" will fucking murder you where you sit because they are naturally evil.

4a. Let's not even talk about Chachi.

5. No one represented the insane asylum that is the modern GOP more than former New York City mayor and man most likely to send back a half-eaten steak and claim it wasn't properly cooked, Rudy Giuliani. Gesturing wildly, screaming, and jumping around like a pug on PCP, Giuliani warned us that the country has become something it quite demonstrably has not. "The vast majority of Americans today do not feel safe. They fear for their children. They fear for themselves," he said, and the only response is "Motherfucker, we're only afraid because you keep telling us to be afraid.  Crime is down, jobs are up, and more people can get medical care than ever. All the shit that's bad - income distribution, guns everywhere - that's on you Republican spoogerags." On and on Rudy went, in that man-cunt way of his, where everything is shit and Barack Obama is a fey demi-man who won't keep you safe and Hillary Clinton is a cold-blooded bitch who murders soldiers and only one man can save us from choking on our own vomit as we're raped by Muslims in our homes and that man is Donald Trump, who is qualified to do this because he got building plans past zoning commissions. Or something. Fucking ridiculous.

6. We've got three more days of this. Three more days of hearing about how Benghazi was the worst crime in the U.S. history. Three more days of people trying to tell us that a bloated pile of shit topped with orange cotton candy is the superhero American needs. As we wallow in the easily understood plagiarism nonsense, we can ignore the racism, the xenophobia, the misogyny, the hate, emanating from the convention center like a shit smell from a diaper.


Trump Voters Own This Awfulness and They Should Be Ashamed of Themselves

The mea culpas are coming fast and furious as we approach Thursday's anointment of Trump as the GOP's idiot king. We're getting the questioning of how the hell this could have happened, and we're getting individuals standing up and saying, "It was me. Fuck. It was me." Those would include Tony Schwarz, the ghostwriter of Trump's first hagiography, The Art of the Deal, who tells Jane Mayer in the New Yorker, "I feel a deep sense of remorse that I contributed to presenting Trump in a way that brought him wider attention and made him more appealing than he is." And it also includes reporter McKay Coppins of Buzzfeed, who says that one reason Trump even ran was because the reality TV star was stung by an article by Coppins that said Trump wasn't going to run.

Yeah, you're all motherfuckers and deserve whatever self-flagellation you inflict, but let's be perfectly clear. Stop thinking so fucking much of yourselves. There is one reason and one reason only that delegates at the Republican National Convention will be forced to watch a parade of Trumps bark at them in barely comprehensible English about how great their father/husband/lover/master/whatever is. Blame the voters. That's all. However important you think you are, at the end of the day, the voters had a choice, and they went, by increasing and then overwhelming numbers, to Trump.

You can come up with all kinds of justifications for why primary voters chose Trump - a disgust with "politics as usual," the glamour of the celebrity, the appeal to racist/nativist ideology, a white working class that has been ignored by Democrats (not true, but the perception is there) - but let's not use that to take away the agency of those voters. They looked at and listened to a blithering sociopath and decided, "Yeah, that's what I want."

In Esquire, Charlie Pierce wrote a piece titled, "This Isn't Funny Anymore" and called Trump supporters "traitors" to America. But let's go a little further. They should be ashamed of themselves, and, more importantly, they should be made to feel that shame and, especially when it comes to politicians and pundits who support Trump, they should be shunned and treated like they are not part of the conversation, including "leaders" like Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan who are aiding and abetting Trump.

In other election years, this liberal blogger could see that there might be a rational reason to vote for Mitt Romney and John McCain (pre-Palin) and Bob Dole and, hell, even W. Bush. Each of them had policies with which you could argue. They had extensive numbers and figures you could question and test. On 60 Minutes, in their first 2012 interview after Ryan was named Romney's running mate, Romney clearly stated what he was proposing for taxes: "We're not going to reduce taxes for high-income people, and we are going to reduce taxes for middle-income people." Then he talked about capital gains taxes while Ryan discussed getting rid of tax shelters. No matter how opposed you were to Romney and Ryan (and this blog thought Romney was a desperate little bitch), you never thought, "Holy fuck, they're gonna destroy the entire fucking country."

Romney and Ryan did their interview in a furniture factory in North Carolina. Donald Trump and his newly-announced running mate, Mike Pence, a man who looks like he's had his facial features power sanded off, sat in gold-trimmed chairs in Trump's Manhattan penthouse for their big interview with 60 Minutes. And while Trump's website includes a few detailed plans (one of which we'll get to in a minute), it's patently obvious that the candidate himself knows nothing.

Look at the section at the beginning of the interview, where Trump tells Lesley Stahl that he would formally ask Congress to "declare war" on ISIS. "I am going to have very few troops on the ground. We're going to have unbelievable intelligence, which we need; which, right now, we don't have. We don't have the people over there," Trump says. "And we're going to have surrounding states and, very importantly, get NATO involved because we support NATO far more than we should, frankly, because you have a lot of countries that aren't doing what they're supposed to be doing. And we have to wipe out ISIS." Stahl keeps coming back to the declaration of war because it's very clear that Trump doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. He's gonna declare war but not send in many U.S. troops? If he's talking about air strikes, well, shit, we're doing that now. And neighboring states? Is he going to involve Iran? As far as NATO goes, Trump's position seems to be that he'll bully and blackmail them into more action.

That's Trump's approach to everything. You wanna know how Trump says Mexico is gonna pay for the wall? It's on his website. He says he'll get a rule that bars the transfer of funds from the United States by anyone not here lawfully. Then he'd prevent undocumented workers from sending money home to their impoverished families: "They receive approximately $24 billion a year in remittances from Mexican nationals working in the United States. The majority of that amount comes from illegal aliens. It serves as de facto welfare for poor families in Mexico." Apparently, this will make Mexico agree to pay for the wall by pixie magic or something. It's outright blackmail. Trump even says that he'll shakedown Mexico: "Make a one-time payment of $5-10 billion to ensure that $24 billion continues to flow into their country year after year." That's a fucking real quote. Surely, Mexico won't just tell us to shove our threat up our asses.

It's fucking embarrassing. Not Brexit embarrassing yet, but still, when the candidate of one of the two major parties says that it's fine that his running mate was wrong when he voted for the Iraq War, but that Hillary Clinton is not entitled to make a mistake, you're dealing with someone for whom reality is whatever he wants it to be. You're dealing with someone who will say what he needs to close a deal, true or not. And that shit is fucking dangerous.

Between the interview and the press conference to introduce Pence, which was really just about watching Trump suck his own dick for 28 minutes before blowing his load all over the Indiana governor and walking off stage to rinse out his mouth, it's not just that Trump is uniquely unqualified to be president. It's that he's uniquely unqualified to speak in public. It's beyond a joke now. It's into something existential for the nation. And who gives a fuck who started it at this point?

The media should treat any Trump voters and on-air supporters like they would a child molester trying to justify why he fucks little boys. We don't get cable news segments with the host saying, "Well, yes, you believe that anally raping pre-adolescents is morally appalling, but let's get some perspective on it from Chester over here. Chester is a long-time pedophile and he thinks butt sex with boys is great. Chester, what do you think?" No, we don't get those segments because fuck Chester and everything he believes. Some things are just in and of themselves wrong. Supporting Trump is one of them. And, yeah, let's be crystal-fuckin'-clear here: that was just a comparison between Trump supporters and child rapists because if he's elected, our kids are fucked.

That's how ashamed Trump voters should feel. They should be isolated and their opinions, even on valid issues like trade, should be discounted until they give up on Trump. You don't ask a goatfucker what he thinks about tax policy while he's fucking a goat.

You can say that all this is a rational approach that cannot compete with irrationality. Yes, but we have no obligation to make irrationality seem rational. We can say some shit is just wrong. We're allowed to that. We can set the terms of debate.

Now, let's all sit back and watch the calm, reasonable, inspiring speeches by Chachi and that Duck Taliban guy in Cleveland.


A Rude Review of Mike Pence

Over the years, the Rude Pundit has made no bones about what a dickish, Jesus-fellating piece of shit Indiana governor and now vice-presidential nominee Mike Pence has been in his career. See, he was this blogger's Congress member for a brief, horrible period when the Rude Pundit was slowly watching his life seep away in that hellhole of flat land, cold winds, and backwards ass people, Indiana. So he has met Pence, spoken briefly to him, looked into those beady, sleepy eyes and realized, "Holy fuckass, this guy is so fuckin' dumb that he could hammer a nail in with his head and it wouldn't do any damage." No wonder Donald Trump chose him (although, hilariously, it looks like Trump was trying to back out of it at the last minute, possibly realizing that touring the nation with an tight-assed evangelical Christian with the personality of a corn-speckled turd wouldn't be a nonstop party).

So let's look at some of the things this here blog has said about Pence, as well as some of the dumb shit that dumbshit has said:

Back in 2009, while in Congress (where he squatted and dumped until 2013), Pence was ahead of the curve in trying to defund Planned Parenthood, as he wrote in a mighty opinion piece for nutzoid conservative port-a-potty, Townhall. Scribbled the Rude Pundit: "By Pence's 'logic' (if by 'logic,' you mean, 'a strange amalgam of religious paranoia and dubious fiscal reasoning by a man who shoves corncobs up his own ass because he's the one Republican desperately trying to avoid fucking another man or woman'), as he writes, his amendment to an appropriations bill 'would close the loophole that has forced millions of pro-life Americans to subsidize the nation's leading abortion provider, sustaining and underwriting the destruction of innocent human life that has been carried out on a massive scale by Planned Parenthood.'

"You got that, right? We wouldn't want to offend the pro-life Americans by providing money to an organization that does more to actually prevent abortions than every bullshit abstinence program everywhere. No, no, we wouldn't want Planned Parenthood to be there to mop up for the utter failure of conservative sex education plans to actually educate about sex."

And who can forget Pence's weird-ass sexualizing of his faith, enthusing about his love of Jesus and young men in rapey-stalker language at the Value Voters Summit:

"In his speech, Representative Mike Pence of Indiana was more or less describing how much he wanted to blow Christ: '[N]othing can compare to the inexpressible joy I felt on a night in April in 1978 when I gave my life to Jesus Christ.' And that Jesus is a demanding Master to his little submissives: 'Well, like millions of Americans, I've been spending some time on my knees lately.'

"Most creepy was Pence's fetishization of America's youth, a masturbatory need so great that he had to rush back home to indulge it: 'I got on the plane and flew home to Indiana, went out to the Henry Country Fairgrounds for a Boy Scout Jamboree on a cold Saturday morning just about a year ago, and I'll never forget it. You know the Boy Scout Jamboree situation. A bunch of little boys with their hair tousled, ties pulled to the side, one shirt tail out, standing in a row.' The Rude Pundit doesn't know about you, but he probably couldn't describe a row of scouts in such...loving detail."

Or maybe we can look fondly back to when he declared that the Affordable Care Act was antithetical to the ideals of the American Revolution, that it would essentially make Thomas Jefferson puke? Pence even offered up his cancer-ridden cousin as a sacrificial lamb: "Pence told a story about his cousin who has cancer. 'He's awaiting insurance approval for an experimental treatment because his system can no longer tolerate the long regimen of chemo,' Pence said. But Cuz, who, you know, has insurance, ain't a poster child for reform. Oh, no. In fact, he's against reform. He wrote to Pence, '[I]f this was a government bureaucracy, I have no faith that it would be processed in a timely manner and even then, if it would be approved. The idea of a public health care option, as a chronic cancer patient, scares the living hell out of me.'"

Of course, as governor, Pence ended up taking the Medicaid expansion money for his state, but only by being a complete conservative cockknob about it.

And, in 2010, in a preview of the kind of leadership we could expect from Veep Pence, he set the tone for the House of Representatives in telling President Obama and his agenda to go fuck itself: "Here's Indiana's Mike Pence (Campaign slogan: 'I'm a motherfucker, but at least I'm honest about being a motherfucker') on what will happen if his party wins the House: 'Look, the time to go along and get along is over...Look, there will be no compromise on stopping runaway spending, deficits and debt. There will be no compromise on repealing Obamacare. There will be no compromise on stopping Democrats from growing government and raising taxes. And if I haven’t been clear enough yet, let me say again: No compromise.'"

Yes, yes, yes, Mike Pence, who, at the time, was harboring illusions that he might be president hisself one day, was one of the people responsible for the congressional fuckery that stalled virtually any legislation in the House.

As governor, he has been responsible for the idiotic and unconstitutional religious freedom bill (aka "That Thing For Homophobic Bakers") and the savagely anti-woman anti-choice laws that have left at least one woman who had a miscarriage imprisoned. A hateful, myopic, self-righteous asshole, this Pence.

In other words, unlike Trump, he's what we now refer to as a "traditional Republican."


Republican National Convention Schedule Released, Featuring Hate, Death, and Fear

The Republican Party finally released its speaker list and general schedule for its national convention, which starts Monday in Cleveland (motto: "Dear God, let us survive this"). It's an unsurprising list of minor celebrities, craven politicians, and an assortment of dicks and assholes, all ready to go fuck themselves at a word from their nominee, Donald Trump. Here's a look:

Night 1: A "Benghazi focus," with the corpse of Ambassador Christopher Stevens propped up in a chair as Melania Trump, in a Hillary Clinton mask, lap dances it. Then two security officers who survived the attack in Libya will be allowed to gun down a Muslim chosen at random from the streets of Cleveland. Melania Trump, in a hijab, will give them a lap dance to celebrate their triumph. Rudy Giuliani will show up to play "Creepy Uncle Rudy," the lonely divorced guy who weeps while masturbating in the kids' room while the children are asleep, telling himself it's not wrong. Then we shift to immigration, where border patrol agents will wrestle each other over which one of them hates Messicans more and how much a wall would be awesome. Finally, Jamiel Shaw will speak. His son was killed by an undocumented immigrant in 2008, which would have been during the presidency of George W. Bush, a Republican. But he's black and supports Trump. Two lap dances from Melania for him.

Night 2: It's economy night: Everyone in attendance will be given a poor person to feed and care for for the night. If you keep the poor person alive until the end of the evening, you get a gift bag. If your poor person dies under your watch, like if you drop them on their head or leave them in your car without a window opened, you still get a gift bag, but you have to pretend you feel bad about taking it. What you don't have to feel bad about is that the poor person will receive hospital treatment because Ohio is one of the few states led by a Republican that took the Medicaid expansion. The evening will conclude with Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell slowly strangling adorable hedgehogs, their horrible squeaks echoing throughout the hall as the gathered delegates hope the animals die quickly, just to end it. Everyone gets a scholarship to Trump University, as long as you buy at least one course package.

Night 3: Guns and penises: Eric Trump will come on stage and slowly fellate an AR-15 held by his Klonopinned to the gills wife. A presentation on Bill Clinton's dick will feature reenactments of his Oval Office shenanigans. There will be a raffle to see who gets to put a cigar in pro-golfer Natalie Gulbis's snatch. Ted Cruz will speak about how God has forsaken him and he will now become a male prostitute. He will offer his services, but no one will take him up on it. When Cruz is done, everyone will get a chance to punch Newt Gingrich in the dick. The evening ends with a command to the delegates from the NRA to shove the barrel of their concealed handguns up their assholes until they feel pleasure take over the pain. So much blood, shit, and semen will stain the floor that the night will end early. Anti-choice activists think that's their cue, but they will be sent home without being allowed to speak.

Night 4: The coronation of the Trump: Donald Trump will be presented, nude, covered in oil, to the writhing hordes who have been engaged in unholy congress due to the ecstasy and acid that the Trump water bottles were laced with. "Who dares challenge me?" Trump will cry out as he is surrounded by virgin Asian boys who constantly massage his balls and rub the oil into his flesh with meat from Trump steaks. Ivanka will place a crown on his head and, taking his penis in her hand, lead her father to the lectern where he will demand human sacrifice. Reince Priebus will offer his heart for the eating, and Scott Baio will carry out the ritual. Trump will decline the heart and, instead, command Chris Christie to eat it, yanking on his nipple chains to bring him forth. Chachi will fist the bent over Christie as he gorges on the bloody organ. Bathed in light, Trump will ask for ten, no, twenty, no, okay, let's make it ten hot women, not pigs, to be brought to his suite so that he can interview them for unpaid internships. The lights will go out suddenly and, when they come on, Trump will be gone, his swastika-emblazoned helicopter already flying him away from Cleveland. His biker troops will use fire hoses to chase out the remaining delegates. The body of Reince Priebus will be left to rot and be eaten by rats.

Outside, the riots will descend into Soylent Green territory.

It's gonna be a fun time in Cleveland.