4/21/2017

Okay, Fine, Let's Make a Deal on the Fuckin' Wall

So yesterday, skeevy fart huffer Mick Mulvaney, the White House Budget director, said that Donald Trump would be willing to negotiate on the next "oh, holy fuck, are we going through this again" make-or-shutdown budget bill. Yeah, he won't let the government run out of money if Democrats will fund his bullshit wall on the border of Mexico. Oh, and he might not starve Obamacare to death and laugh while the peons scramble to get insurance.

Look, anyone who knows anything about the construction of this mythical "big, beautiful wall" understands that it'll be a huge boondoggle, one that'll cost metric shit-tons of money while doing dick to actually change the number of undocumented immigrants in the United States. At this point, even a big majority of Texans oppose the wall because, among other things, it'll fuck up a lot of people's property. The whole effort is a waste of time, energy, and money.

But you know what? Fuck it. Just for shits and giggles, let's flip the script on the wall. Trump wants to deal so he can say to his idiot hordes, "Look, I make wall." So let's fuckin' deal.

Democrats should see the wall as a chance for a major jobs program. Yeah, they're bullshit jobs because the project is bullshit. But they're jobs. Democrats oughta make a big deal about how only Americans or immigrants with the right visas can be hired to build the wall. They should demand a living wage, maybe even the right to unionize (although that won't fly, but it's a bargaining chip. Remember, we're negotiating with a master deal maker here [I just rolled my eyes so hard I saw my nasal cavity]). Oh, and they get health insurance. These are all the requirements for the contractors, subcontractors, and subsubsubcontractors who will be getting that sweet federal funding. You want America first, motherfucker? Just what do you mean by that?

So Trump gets to pretend that his wall will be built. Lookie there. Winning (even though Mexico won't be paying for it, shhhh).

But Democrats should also get one more thing from Trump: back the fuck off the Affordable Care Act unless you have a replacement that will cover the same people without loss of benefits. No more garbage deals with the savage sphincter beasts of the Freedom Caucus. No more threats on holding back cost-sharing funds that keep it stable. You get the wall and you walk away from Obamacare until you have some actual goddamn plan.

The beautiful part of this whole fantasy is that not only will Republicans never come up with a rational replacement plan, but the fuckin' wall is never gonna be built. Or, if it is, it'll take years and have massive cost overruns and, meanwhile, it is a government-run jobs program of the size of a New Deal project. Oh, and, hey, won't we need some infrastructure spending to make sure we can transport all that American steel easily?

What do you say, Donny-Don-Donald? Art of the pussy-grabbin' deal right there.

Of course, if this deal were even possible, you can't trust Trump or the Republicans. They'll say they won't fuck your sister and then you'll walk in on them balls deep in her ass. They don't keep their word, and Trump is the fuckin' worst about that.

In fact, even in talking about wanting the wall built, Mulvaney had the hypocritical balls to say, "If [Democrats] tell us to pound sand, I think that’s probably a disappointing indicator of where the next four years is going to go. If they tell us, however, that they recognize that President Trump won an election, and he should get some of his priorities funded for that reason, elections have consequences, as folks who win always like to say."

Someone's gonna have to tell Barack Obama all about those consequences some day.

4/20/2017

In Brief: Dumb Shits Saying Shit That's Dumb (Jeff Sessions Edition)

Sexually-repressed leprechaun Jeff Sessions, the Attorney General of the whole United States, declared today that he'd be dead in the cold, cold ground before he recognized Hawaii : "I really am amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the President of the United States from what appears to be clearly his statutory and Constitutional power."

So a member of the judiciary in an American state is essentially being told he's like a bone-wearing warlord in an atoll off Fiji.

Can someone take one for the team and give Jeff Sessions a blow job? I mean, take that tired old turkey wattle dick and go to town with your mouth. Make that tight-assed racist Beanie Baby call for Jesus before he sees God.

Suck him off to sanity. For patriotism.

4/17/2017

White People Still Love Trump Even as He Bumblefucks Through the Presidency

It's now become a seemingly weekly exercise in the New York Times (motto: "Yeah, we hired a climate change denialist and fuck you for criticizing us for it"): an article checking in on some group of people or community that supported Donald Trump in the presidential election of 2016. This time around in our Jane-Goodall-among-the-apes tour of shitty parts of America, we're in Bucks County, Pennsylvania, in a district that Trump won by only two-tenths of a point to see what those goddamned yokels and exurbanites think about the job President Trump is doing.

This exercise is akin to asking a chronic masturbator why he keeps jacking off. "Look at you," you can say to this compulsive onanist, "your dick is scabby and chafed, you can barely even get hard anymore, let alone ejaculate, and you're so sick of porn that it takes near-death strangle sex videos to interest you at all. You're exhausted, your friends have abandoned you, your place stinks of cum, and, c'mon, man, take a shower. Why do you keep doing it?" Of course, the wanker is gonna tell you, "Because it feels so good" even though all evidence points to the exact opposite.

So we're off to Eastern Pennsylvania to see what some white people think of Trump in a swing district. And guess what? "Many still trust him, but wonder why his deal-making instincts do not seem to be translating. They admire his zeal, but are occasionally baffled by his tweets. They insist he will be fine, but suggest gently that maybe Vice President Mike Pence should assume a more expansive role." They have their doubts, but they stand by their decision. And they're sure that Trump himself isn't solely to blame for his lack of "winning." Said one fucking idiot, "“It’s really disheartening what they’re putting him through." Yes, it's a shame that "they" demand a president act like a goddamned president and not a king.

The article by Matt Flegenheimer goes out of its way to be fairer than the usual dumbass-whites-love-Trump pieces. He includes people who oppose Trump, and he does show Trump voters who seem like they are edging towards enlightenment, although they all stop just short of regret. But even this is disingenuous because, according to polls, those dumbass whites who voted for Trump fuckin' love the guy like it was still the heady summer of 2016 when the chant of "Lock her up" was the howler monkey yawp of the damned.

Yeah, white people give him a 50% approval rating, with white men coming in at 56% approving (and white women at a disheartening 46%). Shit, 78% of white people who consider themselves the mythical "moderate Republicans" approve of Trump's job performance.

And of course it's whites. Generally middle-income, lower-educated whites, but white people. And that's because of the, yeah, you know it, racism. Say it all together because it's statistically demonstrable: Lots of white people voted for Trump because of his promises to harm people of other races. It wasn't economic anxiety. It wasn't anti-establishment. It was racism.

So every time you do an article about Trump voters and how their feeling about the president, you're pretty much validating that racism. It's more or less "Hey, let's check out what a bunch of people who are stupider than shit and hate Muslims and Hispanics and blacks think of the idiot asshole they elected and pretend that their gutter-level ignorance is hard-scrabble wisdom." Move to another area of the country and repeat.

I can't figure out why it's so fucking important for the Times to figure out what this demographic of the dumb believe about Trump. The filthy masses won't ever love the big city elites. And if you're hoping to get the scoop on some shift in attitudes, well, it ain't gonna happen in the first 100 days. Or ever for most of his voters.

This is a kind of religion. It doesn't have a rational basis. It is all faith built upon lies. The faithful will not tell you their god is false, even if you show them his many heresies.

4/13/2017

Mitch McConnell Can't Be Bothered with Truth

Lemme get a little something off the ol' hairy chest here before we head into our weekend celebration of public execution and zombification. Last week, Senate Majority Leader Mitch "Dewlap" McConnell penned an opinion piece for the Washington Post, and it was, without a doubt, one of the most mendacious, self-justifying piss dribbles you could conceive of.

Titled "Democrats reap what they have sown," McConnell might as well have started with "Suck on my Gorsuch, libtards." The Kentucky Republican sought to lay the battle over Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch's confirmation at the feet of Democrats. He called the filibuster of Gorsuch "another extreme escalation in Democrats’ decades-long drive to transform judicial confirmations from constructive debates over qualifications into raw ideological struggles." And he brings up the usual suspects, like Robert Bork, who, he doesn't mention, got a full hearing and Senate vote. That's just garden variety fuckery.

But then he tried to forget about history. "In 2003, when President George W. Bush was nominating judges, Democrats pioneered the idea of using routine filibusters to stop them," McConnell asserts. While Republicans didn't use the filibuster when Bill Clinton was presidency, they were total dickheads when it came to judges. Yeah, there were 20 seats on the federal appellate bench open during Clinton's two-terms. He nominated 24 men and women. The Senate ended up approving just 4, leaving the rest for George W. Bush to fill (and he did with 14 of them). 42 federal district judge's seats were empty when Clinton came into office. He nominated 45 people who weren't approved, most of whom didn't even make it out of committee. Eventually, he got 17 others through the Senate, but Bush got to fill another 24 judgeships.

In other words, skeevy lying fuck Mitch McConnell wants to blame Democrats but he can't stand the sight of himself in the mirror (and who can blame him?). McConnell is the kind of guy who laughs about using liberal tears as lube when he jacks off to cat anus porn, and when he discovers that salty water doesn't make for good lube, he pretends like it's awesome that he's just chafing his dick.

By the way, you know what doesn't appear once in the editorial? The name "Merrick Garland." For that alone, McConnell's scribbles oughta just be used as hobo toilet paper.

4/12/2017

Eating Cake in a Time of Madness

One thing is for sure: Donald Trump ate some awesome chocolate cake while dining with the president of China as Tomahawk missiles were uselessly blowing up around an airfield in Syria. In an interview with Maria Bartiromo of Fox Business (motto: "A few thousand shut-ins think they get stock advice here"), Trump praised that motherfucking cake, saying of the attack, "We had finished dinner. We're now having dessert. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen and President Xi was enjoying it."

To be fair, Bartiromo had asked if the bombing happened after dessert. And, to be even fairer, it sounded like some great friggin' cake. According to the menu for the evening, President Xi Jinping and Trump had "Chocolate cake with vanilla sauce and dark chocolate sorbet" at the golden dining room in Trump's golden castle, Mar-a-Lago. That goddamn cake was so good that Xi was stuffing his face with it when he got the news from Trump. Said our president, "I said we've just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq and I wanted you to know this. And he was eating his cake. And he was silent."

Yeah, if Trump did tell Xi he had just lobbed missiles at Iraq, that likely made Xi decide, "I can stop eating cake and say, 'You mean, Syria, right?' or I can just keep eating cake. Yeah, I'm gonna just shut the fuck up and keep eating this chocolatey bitch right here." Except in Chinese.

Every time Trump opens his mouth, it becomes soul-suckingly apparent that he's crazier than a shithouse rat. Whether it's the blithe racism ("everything is very orderly with the Chinese, frankly") or the weird insistence on repeating the same words over and over (everytime he mentions "Obamacare," he has to say that it's "failing"), he's probably suffering from dementia. It is not just the elephant in the room; it is a goddamned herd. And, really, it's the easiest explanation for his constantly changing positions.

Then there's his unending insistence that things that are objectively false are true, like the fact that the departments of the executive branch are understaffed by, as Trump said, "Hundreds and hundreds of people. And then they'll say, why isn't Trump doing this faster?" Good question, and Trump, who simply hasn't nominated people for these positions, says, "You can't do it faster, because they're obstructing. They're obstructionists." Presumably, that means Democrats, but, really, who the fuck knows? I'm pretty sure he doesn't even fucking know. That's because he's barking mad and proudly ignorant.

At today's press conference with the NATO Secretary General, Trump lumbered to the lectern like a wounded yeti, blithered out some barely comprehensible statement that he was forced to make, and stood there like a decaying, overstuffed Spitting Image puppet that was tossed out for being too grotesque. Once again in the presence of a leader of a country or group that he had harshly criticized before, Trump bitched out, as he had with Angela Merkel, Enrique Pena Nieto, and others. Hell, after saying that China was a bunch of shitheels who manipulated currency and were killing us with trade and raping our corpses, he gave that nation's president beautiful goddamn chocolate cake.

Not only was he jolly as hell about NATO, Trump declared, in that voice that sounds like a combination of boredom, irritation, Xanax, and a minor stroke, that NATO "is no longer obsolete" because "something, something, terrorism, Trump, Trump, Trump, can I have more cake?" or words to that effect.

Like in the interview, the only way Trump's words make sense is if you accept that he's deep into mental illness or dementia, perhaps Alzheimer's, or he's legitimately dumb, as in mentally handicapped, or, perhaps, some malevolent combination of all of it. Asked if European nations should fear Russia, Trump said, and you gotta read this in full, " I want to just start by saying hopefully they're going to have to fear nothing, ultimately. Right now there is a fear and there are problems, certainly problems, but ultimately I hope there won't be a fear and won't be problems and the world can get along. That would be the ideal situation. It's crazy what's going on, whether it's the Middle East or you look at no matter where, the Ukraine, you look at -- whatever you look at, it's got problems. So many problems. And ultimately, I believe that we are going to get rid of most of those problems and there won't be fear of anybody. That's the way it should be."

That's someone who is utterly lost, who has no sense of what he's actually talking about, and who has never been told, "Donald, bubby, you're all kinds of fucked up and no one should fuckin' listen to you." And it should scare the living shit out of us. Are we gonna bomb something every time Trump sees dying babies? Holy shit, don't show him those UNICEF ads. He'll bomb Alyssa Milano, and we're preciously low on those.

Maybe you're not frightened enough. Maybe you're thinking, "Oh, come on. He's all over the place. Geniuses are like that." First off, I wanna punch you right in your strawman groin. Instead, though, read where Trump went when talking about wiretapping with Bartiromo. After insisting that he put wiretapping in quotation marks because it's "old-fashioned," Trump observed, "You don't have a lot of wires. Look at this room. This room used to have a lot of wires. Now it doesn't have so many wires."

This crazy motherfucker oughta be at home with a blanket on his lap, giving orders on how hot his soup should be, wondering when he's gonna get some more cake.

4/10/2017

Stupid Fucking Republicans (No, Literally)

Tempting as it is to go after serial phone masturbator Bill O'Reilly (Has that ever worked in the history of ever? Has a guy ever called a woman and started jacking off and this woman, who never expressed any interest in him, said, "Holy shit, that's hot. Save some of that jizz for me"?), it's way more interesting to talk about the fucking of elected Republicans. Why? Because even though the leader of their party is a sexually-assaulting multiple adulterer who has appeared in porn, it's still pretty much an article of political faith that Republicans are the party of family values and Democrats are sexually-ravenous gay drug addicts.

So it's just funner than hell to point out that, aside from a Weiner or two, Republicans, who, for the most part, have no problem telling the rest of us what kind of sexy time we can have with consenting adults, have been far, far stupider in their fucking because of this very hypocrisy. It's not just like shooting fish in a barrel. It's like grenading the barrel and saying, "Damn, that was an easy way to get some fish."

For instance, here's a shot from a 2010 gubernatorial campaign ad:


That's Alabama Governor (now "ex-governor") Robert Bentley, a Republican, from his commercial titled "A Man's Word," telling Alabamans that he will always keep his, well, his word. Except, of course, when it comes to his wife. Apparently, Bentley's desire to stick his dick into the pussy, mouth, and possibly the ass of his one-time aide, Rebekah Mason, was far, far more important than his "word." And not just his word to his wife, but to the people of his state because Bentley was arrested today, pled guilty to two misdemeanors, and resigned from office. Yeah, in order to facilitate the placement of his dick in Mason, Bentley misused state funds and threatened people by using cops to coerce their silence.

For real fun, watch Bentley give a speech on "Faith, Family, and Jobs." For even bigger fun, read Bentley's statement condemning the Supreme Court's same-sex marriage decision. In it, Bentley declared, "I have always believed in the Biblical definition of marriage as being between one man and one woman" while he was in the midst of fucking a woman who was not his wife. In other words, more than one woman, right, Bob?

Side note: Bentley made a big damn deal in that "Word" ad about releasing his taxes and pledging to do so for every year he was in office. But, like most of his principles, he could toss that aside like a condom fresh out of his mistress's asshole. Evidence? Enjoy:


Meanwhile, over in Oklahoma, a married, anti-LGBT rights state senator, Ralph Shortey, was arrested for fucking an underage male teenage prostitute at a Super 8 Motel on the I-35 Service Road. The only way this could get sleazier is if it somehow involved a church, and, in fact, it does involve a church because one of the things Shortey was charged with was "Engaging in prostitution within 1000 feet of a church." That shouldn't really be an extra crime, but it's ironic because that's the kind of nonsensically cruel  bill that Ralph Shortey would have totally supported as a state senator. Hell, the motel room stunk of marijuana, and Shortey supported a bill to increase penalties for drug possession within...wait for it...1000 feet of a church.

So, yes, the Super 8 off I-35 in Norman, Oklahoma, is within 1000 feet as the crow flies of the Memorial Presbyterian Church.

By the way, Shortey wasn't just your garden variety ultra-right-wing spoogerag. He was a bugfuck crazy one. Yeah, in 2012, he sponsored a bill to prohibit "the manufacture or sale of food or products which use aborted human fetuses." That's a piss sauce of stupid on a big plate of bullshit. Somehow, though, not as bad as fucking underage prostitutes.

4/07/2017

If We're Gonna Be the Cops, Then Let's Do Something About South Sudan

And here we go again, looking at an atrocity, the gassing of civilians in Syria by the government of Bashar al-Assad, wondering what the hell to do. President Donald Trump saw the photos of parents holding dead children, and, probably with a weeping Ivanka imploring Daddy to take action, he cast aside everything he had ever said about intervention in foreign conflicts, everything he had ever tweeted against President Obama attacking Syria in 2013, and went with his irrational gut to order dozens of missiles be hurled into an airfield that supposedly had more chemical weapons.

Speaking from his golden castle in Florida, the president, who had previously asserted that Syrian refugees, including drowned toddlers, were likely terrorists who should be "fighting to save Syria" and wanted to bar their entry to the United States, now proclaimed, "Even beautiful babies were cruelly murdered in this very barbaric attack. No child of God should ever suffer such horror." He ended his brief remarks with "we hope that as long as America stands for justice, then peace and harmony will, in the end, prevail."

It is worth noting that the hawks who now support Trump's actions against the Assad regime after a chemical weapons attack that killed around 70 civilians were completely opposed to any similar military response by President Obama after a chemical weapons attack that killed around 1000 people in 2013. It's also worth nothing that Trump made no pledge to take in more refugees.

But, hell, if we do stand for that Superman stuff, truth, justice, the American way, then maybe we should pay a little attention to another enormous humanitarian crisis and impending genocide in South Sudan. Yeah, there have been a bunch of massacres there, along with extensive famine and hundreds of thousands of refugees. In fact, a patch of land in Uganda is now the largest refugee camp in the world. And, like in Syria, the South Sudanese military is attacking the country's civilians.

If you get a war boner for bombing Syria, then you should be all over intervening in South Sudan. It's a three-year old civil war. It's a breeding ground for terrorist groups either in the country or in the neighborhood. And there are children who are being abused and slaughtered. In fact, 86% of the refugees are women and children. You may think it's unfair to compare the situations. But it's pretty clear that, in terms of the recent horrors, South Sudan beats Syria in just about every way.

C'mon, lefties and righties who are expressing their gratitude for Trump's actions. You wanna be the cops? Then let's be the damn cops. Step the fuck up or shut the fuck up.