Where the Fuck Are You, Democrats?

Something's up. You listen to anyone in the DC press, and they know that something big is either going down or about to blow up. In just the last day, we've had it revealed that Trump's incoming national security adviser Michael Flynn, a batshit insane actual leaker of classified material, had been in phone contact with Russia's ambassador to the U.S. just before President Obama ejected 35 Russians in response to the DNC hacking. And then today, House members had an intelligence briefing with FBI Director James Comey and others, and the Democrats left the meeting feeling angry and openly hostile about what they'd been told. This is not to mention President-Elect and lost Crayola color Donald Trump bugging the fuck out on Twitter this morning about Russia, the media, the intelligence community, and Hillary Clinton.

And, if you're like me, you sit here and wonder, "Where the fuck are the Democrats? Where is their messaging? Why aren't we at Def-Con Watergate?" You go to their website and there is nothing about it. Their public statements are all over the place.

If Democrats were any good at this game, they'd already have a strategy: Forget about the odious cabinet picks, forget about the business conflicts, forget all that other shit that people either don't care about or don't understand so they don't care about it. Instead, hammer Trump and the Republicans on the one goddamned thing that is easy to understand: Was Trump elected because of the Russians?

On every news show, in every appearance, in constant tweets and all over social media, demand, again and again, for an investigation into Russian hacks. Be as fucking hysterical and hyperbolic as needed. Go fucking nuts. When a Republican accuses Democrats of playing politics, respond with something like "Oh, so you're just fine with Russia electing the president of the United States?" And if they try to evade, push them to say "yes" or "no." Whose side are you on? Russia or the USA? And if you're on the side of the truth, then you should be demanding an independent investigation, no?

Trump's loathsome idiot hordes will choke on their own troll phlegm in rage, but they're just cult members now, all worshipping at the tiny dong of their wee-handed, big-assed godhead. Instead, Democrats, you'd be reaching independents and the small fraction of Republicans who still remember what it was like to have souls.

Fucking hell, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi, this is the moment to show that the Democratic Party can have some unity of purpose and unity of rhetoric. It's a quick path to recovery from the election and to move beyond the cold comfort of having won the popular vote. Delegitimize and possibly banish this Trump bastard before his grubby paws grab the Bible by the pussy and he takes the oath of office. Any chance you get, you say, "I just want to know the truth" about the election. You believe in America and Americans.

You got it? Nonstop, unrelenting focus on Russia's influence on the election, on Trump, on Flynn, on the nation. The implication is "Choose your loyalty, motherfuckers." And, as I wrote a month ago, before the piss dossier came out, we are freaking the fuck out and need to know what the hell is the meaning of all of this. You should be dancing with Trump's innards right now.

'Cause, see, the mantra of the Democratic Party oughta be "When they go low, we plunge under the ground beneath them so that the earth swallows them."


Republicans Won't Save Your Life

In the middle of his farewell address on Tuesday, President Barack Obama offered some advice: "It’s up to all of us to make sure our government can help us meet the many challenges we still face. We have what we need to do so. We have everything we need to meet those challenges." And then he warned, "Democracy can buckle when we give in to fear. So, just as we, as citizens, must remain vigilant against external aggression, we must guard against a weakening of the values that make us who we are."

Implicit in these and other parts of the speech was an acknowledgement that we are, basically, fucked right now. Obama was preparing us for what's coming and telling us not to fall into despair or apathy. "But, surely, we are well and truly fucked now," he was saying without saying, even amidst all the optimistic words. "Oh, dear, sweet Jesus, we are fucked backwards and forwards and in every hole and in some holes we didn't even know we had and in new holes that they just made to fuck even more. Now what the fuck are you gonna do to stop getting fucked?"

And, by telling us, in essence, to save ourselves, Obama was also saying that there's no one who's gonna Spiderman in and catch us as we plummet off this bridge.

Right now, good liberals, I'm sure you're comforting yourself with all the articles and think-pieces assuring you that there's no clear path to repealing the Affordable Care Act: that its popular provisions (which would be nearly all of them) are too deeply embedded in the health care system; that to repeal without a comparable replacement would create uncertainty in the insurance market, leading to chaos; that one, two, five Republican senators are actually thinking about voting against their party and not supporting a repeal without an automatic replacement.

Yeah, all that got flushed down the shitter last night when the Republicans in the Senate, minus a Rand Paul, voted on a budget that will eventually allow them to repeal the ACA with a simple majority in a reconciliation bill with the House. In doing so, they defeated every Democratic amendment that attempted to keep provisions like preventing insurance companies from denying you coverage for preexisting conditions. The GOP doesn't fucking care what the outcome will be. They are driving this car into that blizzard, fuck the consequences and don't you dare tell them they can't.

So you pretty much just saw any attempt at moderation get stabbed in the chest. It might not be dead yet, but it's got a sucking chest wound and, chances are, won't be able to afford coverage to get it fixed.

These GOP motherfuckers don't give a damn who dies as long as they get to prove a point: Democrats shouldn't have allowed the poors to think they're people. They get uppity that way. They must be punished, and, luckily, too many of them were too dumb to understand that in November.

I'm sticking with what I said in December. You gotta peel senators away from the Republican Party. Promise them anything. Money, pussy, dick, committee chairs, whatever.

Because Republicans are gonna act like Republicans, and that means with dishonor and cowardice and malice towards all who are not them. And, despite President Obama appealing for us to work across differences, we have to fight back with even more malice.


Let's Just Pretend the Russian Dossier Is True Because Fuck That Trump Guy

If you were unfortunate enough, you got to watch or listen to the freak show this morning where President-Elect and human/gila monster hybrid Donald Trump sputtered and free-associated his way through what you might consider answers to the questions in a press conference. It was one of those embarrassing moments for the entire nation that we all better get used to. At some point, Trump is going to be at a gathering of world leaders and one of them is going to say, "What the fuck are you saying, you fucking brain damaged moron? Fuck, I thought Bush was dumb." And most of us in the United States will just look away, ashamed of Trump, like he's our boyfriend's racist grandpa who can't stop talking about what "the blacks" need to do.

What Trump said today doesn't matter because he's a filthy liar who traffics in the kind of hyperbole that'd make P.T. Barnum go "Whoa, there, man, calm that shit down." He's lying about the extent of his separation from his business. He forced his tax lawyer to lie about the emoluments clause of the Constitution. Essentially, he said, "You should be so fortunate to have me as president that I shouldn't have to do anything that every other modern president has done, but here's a couple of bones so you can shut the fuck up." Motherfucker, you ran for president. You asked for the office. Divest or get the fuck out. But he won't because truth and honesty don't matter.

What does matter is that he is so obviously deranged, so blatantly incapable of complex thought, that he more or less just repeated everything from his campaign, layering on extra degradation for members of the press that he didn't like. When Jim Acosta of CNN tried to insist on getting in a question because Trump kept attacking his network, I wanted him to keep going until Trump went into a full-blown Captain Queeg-like strawberry-seeking paranoid fit.

Meanwhile, so many questions surround the dossier prepared by a former UK spy as oppo research for some campaign (maybe JEB!'s). It's sopping wet with allegations of Russia trading DNC email releases through Wikileaks in return for Trump backing off criticism of the annexation of Crimea, as well as the desire for Trump to criticize NATO's expansion, both of which he did. There's the corruption, with the allegations of bribes and kickbacks in deals with China. Then there's all the hookers and golden showers and other possible blackmail material, most of which would fall on deaf ears like drops of urine running down Trump's manboobs. God, how the media are flagellating themselves and each other over the material, over whether it should have been released, how it hasn't been corroborated, no matter how reliable the sources are, what it means for future allegations and...

You know what? Fuck it. Let's act like Republicans for a little while and just state everything as if it's true. In fact, even if it's proven to be 35 pages of utter fantasy, let's just keep saying it's true. Because, see, Trump made his political career, fuck, much of his entire career, on lies, and almost all Republicans didn't have the honor to say, "No, sorry, that's just something he's pulling out of his ass." The mainstream media had no problem doing story after story about whether or not Barack Obama was born in the United States, a lie that Trump fingered and humped like it was the American flag with a pussy. Facts are dead, as Reince Priebus and Newt Gingrich and other Trump surrogates told us. We create our own reality, real reality be damned. So fuck it all. Trump can say he won in a "landslide" (he didn't), he can say he didn't say things that he said on video or that he tweeted, he can push a voter fraud fable like it's beyond reproach, he can claim that inner cities are hellholes of crime, and he can say that his political opponents are doing, have done, or will do things that are not even in the realm of actual. And he just doesn't care if you tell him he's wrong or there are facts that contradict him. It doesn't matter.

And I haven't even gotten into the sea of Republican and nutzoid conservative lies over the decades that drowned Hillary Clinton, up to and including the email controversy and the completely bugfuck insane Pizzagate.

So fuck it. It's time for Democrats to have some fun. Let's not even allow the idea that the Russian dossier isn't true. Let's just go with that it's totally true. It's right there in writing. Page 27: Trump "paid bribes to further his interests" in doing business in St. Petersburg, where he "participated in sex parties. Or page 2: "The Kremlin had been feeding Trump and his team valuable intelligence on his opponents, including Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, for several years." Let's just repeat it over and over and demand investigations and more investigations if those don't turn up what we want and let's force the media to keep talking about it and make it the only talking points so that all we can think about with Trump is that he is a corrupt loser who watches hookers piss.  It feels like it's true, so let's go with the truthiness instead of the truth. Why should we be left behind in the rush to jump off the cliff of reason?

Trump force-fed us his nonsense. He's still doing that now. Instead, make him choke on this dossier.

(Note: Of course, we won't do it. Because at the end of the day, we sadly still have some sense of devotion to facts. It is our tragic flaw as liberals.)


Donald Trump Is a Liar and You're a Chump If You Listen to Him

Today, President-Elect and bloated basketball of buffoonery Donald Trump finally made some kind of statement about what he'd like to see happen with the Affordable Care Act. He wants it repealed and then quickly replaced - not at the same time, but "Long to me would be weeks...It won’t be repeal and then two years later go in with another plan." As the New York Times points out, essentially Trump is telling House Speaker Paul Ryan to suck his tiny bleached and bare balls. Ryan, who looks like he jacks off to tumor porn, wanted to take a couple of years after sowing immediate chaos into the health care system. Or so he says this week.

Either way, both Trump and Ryan are pretty much guaranteeing that once the ACA is repealed, it won't be replaced by anything that is close in comprehensive coverage because that's how shit goes. Remember the sequester? That was supposed to be a budget threat that would force Congress to come up with something before automatic funding cuts kicked in. Instead, they just said, "Ah, fuck it" and let it stand.

But, really, who the fuck cares what Trump has to say? Motherfucker is such a compulsive liar that he probably tells Barron that all the stylish 10 year-old boys wear suits like they're Richie Rich. Ask Senator Rand Paul. In one of those moments that really is like the apocryphal Neville Chamberlain/Hitler story, Paul tweeted just a couple of days ago that "I just spoke to [Trump] and he fully supports my plan to replace Obamacare the same day we repeal it."

And now, today, Trump pretty much just said that either he lied or Rand Paul lied. That'd be fuckin' hilarious if it wasn't so goddamn pathetic. Peace in our time, eh, Senator?

There is no promise Trump will not break, no opinion he will not reverse when convenient. Ask his contractors. Ask his ex-wives. On his ludicrous border wall, now he's saying Mexico will pay for it in the future but we'll pay for it now. Whatever the fuck that means. We're all still awaiting his revelations about the Russian hacking that he supposedly was going to tell us a week ago. When he holds his press conference tomorrow, it's gonna be a fucking farce of overstated promises, lies, and masturbation, so much masturbation.

So when you hear "Democratic" Senator Joe Manchin claim that "Today, I spoke with President-Elect Donald Trump and he assured me that he will help fight to secure a permanent health care solution for our retired miners, as guaranteed in the Miners Protection Act," you can pretty much be sure that the sick miners are fucked. Trump won't do shit for them unless there's an angle, like he can get wheezing black lung sufferers to gasp out song praising him before he signs any legislation. What a fucking credulous goon Manchin is.

Back to the Affordable Care Act, in that drama queen/Willie Loman way of his, Trump declared, "We have to get to business. Obamacare has been a catastrophic event." You got that? According to the incoming president, providing people with access to health insurance despite pre-existing conditions is akin to a meteor hitting the earth, a tsunami, or an ignorant madman becoming our leader. You know, the real catastrophes.


Snowflakes: A Lesson in Responses to a Cartoon

If you write something even a little negative about future Fuehrer Donald Trump, you are generally barraged with responses calling you a "libtard." That's a hilarious combination of the words "liberal" and "retard." I've been guilty of doing that sort of thing, saying, "Fucktard" and "Guntard." I've stopped because it's just boring to make the same joke over and over, especially when lots of others are making that joke, too.

Also, if you say that something Trump said or did was cruel or wrong, you're gonna get a bunch of Trumptards...sorry, Trump voters saying that you're a "snowflake." That's an equally hilarious way of calling you weak and easily melted, like you can't take a jab or you're so politically-correct. Or whatever. I always thought snowflakes were all different and that was something to aspire to, but I guess not anymore. In fact, at one point, anti-abortion folks called babies born from frozen embryos that might have been destroyed "snowflake children." Times change. They do change.

But mainly, now, it's just a way to slam liberals for being too sensitive. Which leads us to a cartoon and the responses to it.

Dan Piraro has been doing the one-panel daily comic strip Bizarro for about 30 years now. It's mostly (but not always) apolitical and pretty funny stuff. And on December 26, an immensely busy travel day, Piraro published this one:

It's an airport attendant announcing, "We'd like to begin our pre-boarding process by inviting families with small children, and affluent white affluent white males to come aboard." Innocuous enough, right? Kind of an anodyne "Air travel sucks" joke, you know?

Oh, no. Not if you're constantly attuned to anything that might hint of bias against the privileged. Aggrieved Bizarro readers angrily responded to the strip and Piraro. "So, you just woke up and decided to insult folks you don’t know because of their skin color?? Pathetic!" wrote one. Another accused Piraro of voting for "Killary." He also got a goodly amount of hate mail, which is so quaint it's almost adorable. And although it's hard to be polite to people saying things like "Saw your comic strip dated 12/26/16. Your a RACIST using a Comic strip to to divide the country. You have to be a Democrat!! Sore LOSER!!!” Piraro answered some calmly and with good humor.

And you can bet that some of these mightily insulted scribblers, these whiny defenders of the most powerful group of people in the world, people who need no one to speak for them, will call women upset that a pussy-grabbing man got elected precious "snowflakes" who need to run to their "safe spaces."

This isn't just a "uh-uh, you're the snowflakes" tongue stuck out. It's about an inability to deal with oneself honestly.

That those angry at Piraro see no irony in that is what gives me no hope going forward. It's the same rank hypocrisy that can allow Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who sent a letter to Democrats in 2009 insisting that all nominees for the president's cabinet must go through ethics vetting, to insist that Trump's nominees be excluded from such inquiries. And the idiot hordes with no self-awareness will decline to see a problem here.


Fuck You, Rural Elitists

Yesterday, an opinion piece in the New York Times started this way: "One recent morning, I sat near two young men at a coffee shop here whom I’ve known since they were little boys. Now about 18, they pushed away from the table, and one said: 'Let’s go to work. Let the liberals sleep in.' The other nodded." The writer, Robert Leonard, is a local news director at a radio station in Knoxville, Iowa, and he assured us that the young men are hard workers at tough jobs, like washing dishes and cleaning up at a restaurant, and, of course, farming. They are so goddamned salt of the earth because "They are conservative, believe in hard work, family, the military and cops, and they know that abortion and socialism are evil, that Jesus Christ is our savior, and that Donald J. Trump will be good for America."

And all I could think when I read it was "Fuck you, you elitist fucking assholes. Why is your judgmental ass more valid than mine?"

The piece is titled, "Why Rural America Voted for Trump," and it is another seemingly rational argument trying to show that one's neighbors or one's relatives or one's friends didn't vote for Trump because of "ignorance, racism, sexism, nationalism, Islamophobia," or other such things. No, it was that rural Americans have a different philosophy. They "think the liberal worldview creates unnecessary rules and regulations that cripple the economy and take away good jobs that may belong to them or their neighbor. Public school systems and colleges are liberal tools of indoctrination that go after what we love and value most — our children."

We're all supposed to nod our heads and respect these shitheels while they mock liberals and are ennobled by the rank nonsense of those who desperately want to justify the racism, etc. because otherwise they have to admit that they are surrounded by horrible, hateful fucks. But I won't do that precisely because I have more respect for these dumbass motherfuckers than any of the wannabe Jane Goodalls observing the ways of the chimps. How do I have more respect? Because I don't treat them like fucking children or a hidden Amazon tribe whose language is clicks and trills. We're talking about fucking grown-ups who make fucking grown-up decisions, and I'm gonna treat them like grown-ups. And their attitudes towards urban Americans are no less elitist than the dumbass motherfuckers on the coasts who lump everyone else into flyover country.

Here's the deal. There are a whole bunch of us city liberals who came from rural or southern or whatever areas. I've told this story a hundred goddamn times, but this pinheaded, Ivory Tower-humping leftist lived in a trailer park in Florida with a trucker father and a working mom. At 13, I started working unloading semis at warehouses after school. My family was on welfare, including food stamps, and when my father died, we were on Social Security to survive in the south, and we worked our asses off to get out of that hole. I know a shit-ton of other people who have a similar M.O. and now live in New York or L.A.  and a shit-ton who continue to live in rural areas. So don't fucking preach to me about the goodness and grace of conservative rural people or the white working class.

And as for those good hard-workin' young men who love God and country? More than a few of 'em were hanging out in the gay bars of south Louisiana, far from New Orleans, trying to get their dicks sucked in the men's room. I guarantee you that Leonard's liberal-hating boys or ones like them are hoping for a little sinful time with another man.

It's all bullshit. The rest of Leonard's column is about how it seems like cities in red states are taken care of by their government, but not the rural parts of the state, where the roads need to be improved and there is a need for police and firefighters and EMTs: "To rural Americans, sometimes it seems our taxes mostly go to making city residents live better. We recognize that the truth is more complex, particularly when it comes to social programs, but it’s the perception that matters — certainly to the way most people vote."

And there you have the reason why liberals are called "elitist." We actually know that most of our taxes go to the Republican-run states. We aren't fucking hypocrites who condemn government, elect people who want to shrink government, and then are pissed off when the government doesn't offer enough services. We don't get our news from conspiracy theorists and liars. Are there excesses on the left? Of course. We're fuckin' human. But when one group is inclusive of all races and religions and genders and sexual orientations and more, while the other pines for a time when white Christians ran everything, it's pretty damn clear who the real elitists are.

What you're calling "elitism" is just simply not being ignorant. We don't have our heads shoved up Jesus's ass. And when the left gets angry because of how fucking dumb some of the shit coming out of rural and red mouths is, we're told we need to understand what they believe. No, we're just gonna say that stupid is stupid.

You can stop explaining the white working class rural conservative Christian farming folk, hot-takers and self-justifiers. Instead, why don't you explain liberalism to them? Why don't you explain that jobs are drying up and communities are dying not because of abortion and same-sex marriage but because of Republican economic policies that have favored the wealthy, most of whom live in cities, including a certain president-elect they voted for who took advantage of those very policies in order to stay rich? Ultimately, though, it won't matter. Because despite every fucking word to the contrary, the real problem is that those who voted for Trump are racist. They are sexist. They are Islamophobic. They are ignorant.

The whole thrust of these "let's learn about the yokels" articles is to imply that there are real Americans and there are coastal elites. Sorry, motherfuckers. We're all Americans. And if I have to suffer under your stupid, you have to hear about our smarts.


When It Comes to the Filibuster, No Hypocrisy Is Too Far for the GOP

Today, Senate Majority Leader and bespectacled squirrel nutsack Mitch McConnell went on the attack at the suggestion that Democrats would try to block any Donald Trump-nominated shit-tossers from the Supreme Court. "[T]he American people simply will not tolerate" such an action, said the man who made obstruction and filibuster the twin pillars of GOP fuckery for the last eight years and who continues to justify blocking President Obama's nominee, Merrick Garland, on a vague, made-up rule about when a president gets to decide who is on the court.

Not only that, but it was literally just two months ago that Republican senators were literally saying that they would not confirm any Supreme Court justice nominated by a presumptive President Hillary Clinton. Literally: "If Hillary becomes president, I am going to do everything I can do to make sure four years from now, we still got an opening on the Supreme Court," said terrible Senator Richard Burr, since reelected in the terrible state of North Carolina.

And the typical response from the festering dickholes on social media when someone on the left points out that Democrats are just doing something that Republicans either have done or have said they were totally gonna do? A whiny "Oh, you hated it when Republicans did it. Aren't you just hypocrites?" No, fucko, what's hypocritical is all of a sudden acting pissy when someone else does the exact same shit you did. Goddamn, it doesn't even fucking occur to these sphincter mites. If Republicans sacrificed their virgin children to Ba'al in order win elections and all of a sudden Democrats decided to get in on the unholy action, Mitch McConnell would be making a statement against using children in ancient blood rites while he was still holding a dripping knife.

In an interview yesterday, Senator Chuck Schumer said of the Democrats' elimination of the filibuster for cabinet picks in 2013 that he wishes "it hadn't happened." But that puts the blame for the rule change on Democrats when, clearly, it belongs with Republicans. In four years, Republicans had filibustered 30 Obama nominees for positions in the Executive Branch. That compares with 20 in all of the previous history of the United States. Instead of bemoaning the action the Democrats took so that President Obama could have a functioning cabinet, Schumer should be saying that the motherfuckers of the right wouldn't stop fucking mothers unless someone stepped in and smacked their hard-ons away.

The filibuster is about to become the Democrats' biggest ally and the GOP's greatest nemesis. They will screech and cry about how Democrats won't let the "historic mandate" that President Trump has be fulfilled. And Trump's idiot hordes will weep and rend garments, even as they die in the streets from lack of health care, demanding that their slobbering mad king be allowed to run riot. Democrats will have to gird their loins and hike up their pants to get ready for the shit storm that's coming their way for the crime of just trying to desperately prevent the whole country from sliding off the mountain on a hill into the wasteland below.

The greatest hypocrisy will come when the GOP votes to eliminate the filibuster completely. And then the reign of the shitheels and the bumblefucks can begin in earnest.

(Oh, and, by the way, Senator McConnell, if the American people gave two shits about who is blocking Supreme Court nominees, your ass would be on the street right now. It ain't a winner of an issue.)