12/13/2018

Join the Patreon Party (and Here's How Much I've Hated on Orrin Hatch)

In the last week, another couple dozen of you joined up for the Rude Pundit page on Patreon, and that's so fuckin' awesome. I've got a simple goal of 500 patrons, but I'd love to hit 250 by the end of the year. The big money goal is enough to pay someone who is way more skilled at this shit than me to edit Another Goddamn Podcast so I can get it out to you at more than a once-a-month or so rate. (And let's be honest with each other: it's more like "Hmm, am I sober enough to finish it this week?")

There are multiple donor levels because why the fuck not. So even for $1 a month, you can get extra rudeness and audio tasty bits. The more you donate, the more you get, and every single one of you gets my arousing appreciation. In the last month, donors have heard me tell stories about people I've met traveling this big, weird world; they've gotten to see a video interview I did with a crazy-ass Trump humper; and they've gotten posts on everything from political art to horror movies to a script I wrote about climate change for a late-night show. Big fun: whenever you donate, you can see and listen to everything I've posted at that donor level.

It's a bounty of goodies, motherfuckers. So join on up. 

Meanwhile...

Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah inconveniently didn't die before it was time for him to finally retire from the Senate. In a bullshit pile of a speech, he bemoaned the loss of "comity, compromise, and mutual respect" in the body where he served for about 800 years. He refused to admit his own role in taking comity behind the barn, putting three bullets in the back of its skull, and fucking its corpse. But that would take a wise and reflective person. He might have once upon a time worked with Ted Kennedy and other Democrats on bills, but Hatch has always been a miserable shitheel. 

And I've said some truly wretched things about him over the years, none of which I regret.

For instance, I imagined him as a hermaphrodite prostitute who puts on "a show where he sits spread-eagled on a bed, takes his cock, and bends it into his pussy so he can fuck himself."

Continuing a theme, I said that, at a hearing with then-Attorney General Alberto Gonzales over warrantless domestic surveillance, Hatch "more or less took out a 9-inch dildo and told Gonzales to watch him fuck himself right there in the chamber as Hatch bent over and slid that bad boy home."

Before same-sex marriage was legalized, but after a decision that put it on that path, I fantasized about Hatch in a closet in the Senate, jacking off at the thought of finally being free to consummate his forbidden love with Patrick Leahy. (It's probably the kindest thing I've said about Hatch.)

I wrote that Hatch was "not above worm shit at the bottom of a grave." I wrote that Hatch's "picture is shown to Mormon teenagers whenever they are tempted to masturbate." And just last month I said that Hatch "would tongue fuck the eyeholes" of Roy Cohn's skull.

Yeah, I'm not sorry I won't have Hatch to kick around anymore. Fuck him. Fuck his poisoned legacy. The country is a small measure better with him gone.

12/12/2018

Impeach the Motherfucker (Part 2: Because It's the Right Thing to Do)

In another one of his self-serving, self-justifying, self-indulgent public appearances, America's tallest dipshit, former FBI director James Comey, was at a New York City event where he was interviewed by MSNBC's Nicolle Wallace. Both Republicans (no, really, look it up), they discussed whether or not Democrats should pursue impeachment charges against President Donald Trump, also a Republican. 

Comey said, "I hope that Donald Trump is not removed from office by impeachment because it would let the country off the hook. And it would drive into the fabric of our nation a third of the people believing there was a coup. And we need a moment of inflection, where we all get off the couch and say, 'That is not who we are,' and in a landslide rid ourselves of this attack on our values." Of course, Comey seems to have a faith in the American people that is more than a little misplaced at this point in our sordid history.

Like so many others, Comey seems to think that there would be some kind of uprising by the racists, the rubes, the elderly, the shut-ins, the fucking morons, and the syphilitic lepers who make up Trump's base should Democrats take down Trump. Trump himself asserted as much. "I think that the people would revolt if that happened," he told Reuters yesterday about impeachment. 

This is part of a tactic that Republicans use on Democrats all the time. "If you do Thing X, then All These Dumbass Yahoos will be pissed" might as well be a motto for the GOP. Remember how Republicans swore that the Affordable Care Act was supposed to destroy the economy, steal your job, and shoot your dog? Yeah, no. Almost nobody's gonna fuckin' rise up to defend Donald cocksuckin' Trump, no matter how much Sean Hannity weeps and rends his garments. And the couple of people who do try something will crumble when faced with law enforcement. They'll be begging to give blow jobs to the cops arresting them to stay out of jail. It'll just be pathetic. And then hilarious. And then pathetic again. And then, finally, hilarious.

Democrats are also being told that voters will be upset if they just hold hearings and impeach and attack Trump and don't come up with an agenda of their own. Again, that is incredibly naive, like "anal sex means you're still a virgin" naive. First off, Democratic voters are jonesin' for a show of strength from Democrats, and part of that is punishing the bastards who have been shitting all over our nice country for the last two years. As I said before, the chance of 20 Republicans in the Senate joining all the Democrats to vote for Trump's removal from office after an impeachment in the House  is about the same as the chance that Saturday Night Live ever really does political satire instead of putting celebrities in funny wigs. But you gotta give red meat to the beast of the base. Impeachment does that very thing.

Besides, Trump is gonna still take up all the media oxygen. It won't matter if Democrats attempt to pass, say, Medicare for All because all our 300 pound sack of spoiled orange marmalade president has to do is tweet out, "I'll wipe my ass with China!" while he's on the shitter, and no one's gonna talk about a bill that also ain't passing the Senate anyways. What Democrats need to do is control the Trump narrative. Hearings leading to an impeachment vote, with, say, Robert Mueller answering questions from Adam Schiff, will go a long way to puncturing Trump's increasingly ineffective ego-thrusts. It will steal attention from him (which will drive him fuckin' nuts). 

Look, of course, we need to wait until the depth of Trump's criminality, venality, and immorality is revealed by the tide of investigations rushing in to drown him and his terrible family. Obviously, showing that Trump committed crimes that sold out the national interest for pure greed would strengthen any impeachment efforts. The Clinton impeachment shouldn't be a deterrent. In fact, it should be an encouragement, like "Wait, you mean they did this to Clinton for those bullshit reasons and now you don't want us to do anything for a goddamn mobster? Fuck you. Let's vote."

But, at the end of the day, Democrats should start the impeachment process as soon as practical because it's just the right goddamn thing to do. You can talk about what's "extraordinary" about it, you can say it's "overturning the will of the people," and you can complain that it's a distraction or whatever. Yet impeachment exists in the Constitution for a reason: it's precisely for situations like this where waiting for another election would damage the nation.  

It is the responsibility of members of Congress to take down a dangerous president. That is part of your sacred goddamned duty. We shouldn't be questioning starting down the impeachment road. Especially as we learn more and more about how filthy Trump is, we should question why the Republicans refuse to remove him from office. 

(Note: Of course, the more direct action is just to arrest the motherfuckers.)

12/10/2018

Impeach the Motherfucker (Part 1: Don't Be Suckered by the Bill Clinton Comparison)

So much discussion is going on about whether or not Democrats should go forward with the impeachment of President Donald Trump, who is actually a bulging tower of rotting cantaloupes in a terrible-fitting suit. Many in the punditocracy are telling the incoming House majority to avoid impeachment and not even speak of it. Obviously, the chances of removing Trump from office in a trial after the House impeaches are slim to none, considering that the Senate will be made of 47 Democrats and 53 puking shit demons from GOP. We know that the puking shit demons aren't going to vote against their puking shit demon leader, and Democrats would need 20 of those vile fuckers to toss Trump into the toilet of history.

On WNYC this morning, Mara Liasson was making that point: why bother even talking about it when it's not gonna happen? She said that Democrats are worried that "if they go hellbent toward impeachment instead of passing legislation - even if that legislation goes nowhere in the Senate, it won't be signed by President Trump, at least they want to lay out an agenda for the voters - there will be a political backlash."

Then she used the well-worn point that the Bill Clinton impeachment led to Democratic gains in the 1998 midterms. Except we're not talking a massive tide here. Democrats gained 5 seats in the House and didn't lose any in the Senate. Yeah, that was a big deal compared to the 1994 ass-reaming the GOP gave to Democrats. But Republicans still ran Congress in 1999. And they still "won" the presidency in 2000 and kept control of Congress, at least until Senator Jim Jeffords left the GOP in May of 2001. The GOP won the Senate back in 2002. (Note: George W. Bush didn't really win in 2000, but we have been damned to pretend as if he did.)

So this idea that somehow Republicans suffered electorally is just a goddamn lie. Then-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich suffered because he was forced out of the House for lots of hinky shit. Next in line for Speaker, Republican Bob Livingston, suffered because he resigned after he was caught fucking around on his wife. That's how we got child fucker Dennis Hastert for Speaker. Oh, the late 1990s were so charming. As far as elections go, though, Republicans lost a little bit, but not enough to drive them away. Not enough to make them stop being scandal-mongering, hypocritical ass-worms.

Besides, the reason the Clinton impeachment was such a fuckin' farce was that no one could point to anything that President Clinton got out of his lie, other than that his wife might have believed he wasn't fucking around this one time (despite the fact that we all knew he fucked around). There was no use of his office for financial or political gain, and Kenneth Starr desperately fucking tried to find something. Clearly, Trump is doing shit for financial and political gain, that bloated sleazeball.

Sure, Clinton lied under oath, which, yes, is a crime. But he lied under oath for purely personal reasons that had nothing to do with his ability to do his job defending the Constitution. (Yes, I get the irony of saying that a perjurer is defending the Constitution. You are very smart for thinking that. Pat yourself on the back and shut the fuck up.) People realized that this was bullshit and a rigged investigation after a series of bullshit investigations by lying Republicans, and they stood by Clinton.

See, the other big factor was that Bill Clinton's job approval was hovering around 60% throughout the sex scandal period, going up to 66% near the 1998 midterms. It was enough stop Republicans from getting the usual midterm gains for the party opposite the president. That's the "loss" you hear about. They fucked themselves even that much because they were obsessed with Clinton's penis and the American people were not.

But, again, that's not the whole story. Americans didn't start supporting Clinton because of impeachment. Indeed, after his 1996 inauguration, he never went below 50% for the rest of his presidency.  Now, I may not be a math whiz, but it seems like anything from 60-66% is a bigger number than 40%, which is where Donald Trump hovers in approval. And on disapproval? Clinton rarely went above 40% and mostly stayed in the low-to-mid 30s. Trump is high 50s to 60%. In other words, the majority of Americans were fucking fine with Bill Clinton. The majority of Americans are far from fucking okay with Donald Trump.

And they'll be fine with impeachment.

Next: Why it doesn't matter if Trump can be removed from office right now.

12/07/2018

How to Convince MAGA Cretins to Fear Climate Change

Hey, you got friends or relatives who think Donald Trump is the greatest man in the history of forever (except, of course, for Jesus Christ because he's the Lord or some such shit)? You tired of their "climate change is fake news made up by Big Science for that sweet grant money" nonsense? You gotta learn to speak their language. You gotta learn to play on their fears. And you can do that pretty easily.

Let's do this shit quick and nasty.

1. Tell 'em that climate change is gonna make a whole lot more immigrants come to this country.

"Yeah, that's right, Cousin Skeeter. When there are droughts and hurricanes hitting El Salvador, the people aren't gonna just sit there and die. They're all gonna get the fuck outta el dodge-o and get somewhere that's safer. You think there are a lot of people caravanning now? You throw in some fires and floods and biblical shit, and you're gonna get a couple million people walking up north to escape it. So if you're mad about all them Messicans speaking Spanish down at the Piggly Wiggly, Skeeter, you better tell your congressman to get his ass out of Exxon's back pocket and start cleaning the air up or your little girl Liberty there is gonna have to learn to habla some espanol."

2. Tell 'em that climate change is bringing in tropical diseases.

"Hey, Aunt Jane-Bob, you better be careful when you're giggin' fer critters out there in the swamp to make your famous frog fritters for Christmas because climate change has made the mosquitoes and bitin' bugs able to make you even sicker. Yeah, there's gonna be more lyme disease and West Nile and all kinds of terrible illnesses. You tell Uncle Ricky-Bob to be care of the deer ticks when he's out huntin'. And because things have gotten so bad so fast, we're gettin' diseases from those shithole countries, things like malaria and Dengue fever and stuff that'll make you shit yourself for so long that you'll be praying for the Lord to take you."

3. Tell 'em that climate change is gonna get rid of their favorite places.

"You know how you like to take your family every year to Myrtle Beach, Lil' Brother Floyd? How you remember how our daddy took us and his daddy took him? Yeah, I miss those trips with the house right on the beach. And the best part is how you get to drive your truck up and down the shore. It don't get no better 'n that, right, Floyd? Well, if we don't turn things around, Myrtle Beach is gonna be fucked. Fucked bad. All those houses are gonna be washed away. Yeah, it ain't just liberals in California and New York and New Jersey gettin' ass-fucked by rising seas and wildfires. Daytona. Gulf Shores. They'll be underwater. The forest where you like to hunt wild boar in North Carolina? They're gettin' hit by fires. Some of your favorite spots ain't gonna be there anymore. Your son, Floydy-T, he won't be able to bring his family back to Myrtle Beach when he's all growed because there won't be a Myrtle Beach."

Now, you may ask how you get them to believe there is even such a thing as climate change. Well, after you lay out the immigrant-filled, disease-rampant, no Myrtle Beach future, you ask them, "If 98 people told you that if you just sit still and do nothing, a big ol' grizzly bear is gonna fuck you in the face, but 2 people said, 'Well, there is a grizzly bear, but we don't believe he's gonna fuck you in the face,' would you just sit still and wait to see if the grizzly bear fucks your face? Hell, no. You'd get the fuck out of there. Even if you wanna swallow grizzly bear jizz, it's not gonna go well because it's a grizzly bear. Fucking your face."

There you go, people. A handy guide to keep on your phones, in a message marked, "In case of moron, open."

12/05/2018

It's My Birthday So Sign Up for the Rude Pundit Patreon Page

Yes, not only is Krampusnacht upon us, when that horned bastard sodomizes a snowman or something (I haven't really read up on it), but it's also my goddamn birthday. And the only present I want other than this Blanton's whiskey I'm downing is for you to sign up for the Rude Pundit Patreon page.

It's cheap as hell, starting at a buck a month and going up to whatever the fuck you wanna spend. You get special Patreon-only blog posts, audio storytimes (sometimes funny, sometimes sexy, sometimes weird, sometimes all three), and extended versions of the interviews on this here blogger's own Another Goddamn Podcast (which means more Molly Jong-Fast, more Eric Boehlert, and more Kaili Joy Gray, with more mores coming).

So sign up. We're at 213 or so donors. Let's try to get to 250 in the next couple days. It's a modest goal for immodest times.

The funds will go to equipment, more whiskey, an editor for the podcast so it gets out more often, and probably an illicit substance or two.

Let's do this. Or Krampus is gonna bugger your Frosty's face.

Update: We're up to 226. Let's keep it going, motherfuckers.

Silent Sam, George H.W. Bush, and Ross Douthat's WASPs: Nostalgia for a Time That Never Was

I'm so fucking weary of assholes talking about how great the past was.

I get the human instinct to make the past suit one's present. It's one of the amazing ways that we delude ourselves, and some are more deluded than others. For instance, if you're someone who fancies himself an amazing lover, you might be willing to admit, "Yeah, I was pretty goddamn rotten those first few years. Major apologies to all those who put up with me." Or you've just put on hazy goggles that allow you to willfully ignore the truth and you can say, "Oh, man, every dude I ever fucked practically hemorrhaged from cumming. And the chicks? Their heads almost popped off their necks when I gave them screaming orgasms." Sure, pal. Sure. Why don't we ask those dudes and chicks what they think?

The past was never The Past.

Last night, on her Fox "news" show The Ingrown Toenail, Laura Ingraham raged against the college students who are protesting the vote to restore a Confederate soldier statue at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill. It's nicknamed "Silent Sam," which sounds like Slenderman's sidekick, and it was knocked down by students in August of this year. The UNC board of trustees voted to spend $5 million for a new building that would house the statue, and, yes, students marched peacefully to protest.

Ingraham was having none of those fuckin' students acting all uppity: "There is a movement, particularly among the young, to hate the past and eradicate anything they find objectionable or troubling." She compared those who toppled Sam to the ISIS terrorists who destroyed ancient ruins at Palmyra. No shit. She really did that.

Then she continued, "No matter what one thinks of the Civil War or those who supported the Confederacy, it happened. And we owe it to the future to leave history undisturbed." She suggested that perhaps a statue commemorating slaves adjacent to Sam could be erected. And she concluded, "But to destroy, instead of engage, to defy the law instead of respect it, is no way to honor the past or the future."

A couple of things deserve comment in this. First, a statue is not history. Indeed, it's denying history to leave the statue of a Confederate soldier fucking standing. Yeah, 1000 UNC students fought for the Confederacy, but that means they were traitors to the United States and fought to keep other people as slaves. It'd be like erecting a statue to Thanos for his population control efforts. And this didn't spring out of the blue. There have been 50 years of protests against Silent Sam.

The movement isn't to "eradicate" what's "objectionable," despite the slavering lap dog words that Ingraham yips. The movement is to be honest about history and about not honoring the goddamn enemy. I've said it a million fuckin' times: If your family fought for the South in the Civil War, they were either suckers fighting for the rich plantation owners or true believers in the slavery-based economy, and that means your ancestors are assholes who don't deserve monuments. They deserve scorn and degradation. Any other way to see it is utter bullshit.

Over on the editorial page of the New York Times (motto: "Every shithole town of Trump voters is more important than the big cities that voted against him"), resident conservative Ross Hat of Douche, wallowing in the oil pool of panegyrics for dead President George Bush, explains, "Why We Miss the WASPs." For the young 'uns, those are "white Anglo-Saxon Protestants," or, you know, pasty-ass white people.

"Americans miss Bush because we miss the WASPs — because we feel, at some level, that their more meritocratic and diverse and secular successors rule us neither as wisely nor as well," Douthat tells us. Yes, we need to recognize that once our betters led us and, boy, howdy, they were just so much better: "[S]omehow the combination of pious obligation joined to cosmopolitanism gave the old establishment a distinctive competence and effectiveness in statesmanship."

He goes on to talk about how now we've failed in replacing this ruling class because "almost all the discussion of our meritocracy’s vices assumes the system’s basic post-WASP premises, and hopes that either more inclusion (the pro-diversity left’s fixation) or a greater emphasis on academic merit (the anti-affirmative right’s hobbyhorse) will cure our establishment’s all-too-apparent ills." Good god, why can't we go back to those oh-so-noble leaders, the notion that they were great simply because they told us they were great.

Put aside the cowardly racism here. Forget asking, "Who the fuck is this 'we' you're jacking off about?" Instead, focus on the idea that Douthat actually believes this masturbatory fantasy of dominance is true. So then who fucked that up? Who fucked it all up? It was the Republican WASPs who did because after the election of Bill Clinton, that country bumpkin who smoked weed and fucked, they lost their goddamn narrow minds and set out to destroy him, destroy the presidency, and destroy the nation, if they had to, to demonstrate their superiority. They did it before with Jimmy Carter. And that's how you get the inbred Bush, Jr. in there next to fuck things even more royally in order to make the ruling class's dreams of wanton war and financial excess possible. And that's why Barack Obama had to be wrecked.

When they hell was the ruling class filled with "pious obligation" to anything but greed? And how the fuck is this ruling class out of power? They seem pretty much to still control almost everything. Is it because they have to acknowledge women and non-whites and LGBT people as being equal under the law? Inclusion is a problem only if you think exclusion is necessary to maintain power. But while you're mourning for the passing of a white male ruling class, I'm thinking about all those women and non-whites and LGBT people who were denied power for so very long and how much potential was lost because of it.

Right now, Bush 41 is being memorialized. He is being praised as being one of our greatest presidents, except he wasn't. A quick scan of his failures demonstrates that. By whitewashing our past (literally and figuratively), we aren't honoring anyone or anything. We are lying about the past. We are saying that we refuse to learn from our horrific mistakes.

(Note: By the way, the campus of UNC-Chapel Hill is filled with buildings named after slaveowners, white supremacists, and Confederate soldiers. One is named for a slave, and that was dedicated in 2002. You never escape the Confederacy on campus. Removing a statue won't change that.)

(Note 2: Yes, I know the law says they can't remove the statue. Laws can be challenged.)

12/03/2018

Dead Poppy

Goddamn, we've become such a pathetic nation living under the bovine shadow of Donald Trump that the orgy of corpse worship of dead George H.W. Bush, our 41st president, makes the nostalgia-gasm over dead Ronald Reagan back in 2004 look like a rushed hand job in the back of the historical convertible. Of course, Bush was a better human than Trump. But there are parasitic worms that are better humans than Trump. The bar is not that high.

So, yeah, sure, you can thank Bush for some things he did that genuinely made the nation kinder and gentler, like the Americans with Disabilities Act or his environmental record (putting aside, for obvious reasons, his years as a Texas oil man). But that's the way it's always been: no matter how shitty you think a president might be, he does a few things that you think aren't bad. It's like if you're fucking a porcupine's asshole, and, once every ten thrusts or so, you don't get a quill in your dick. At the end of the day, you're still fucking a porcupine's asshole. (Sure, it's consensual. The porcupine wanted it.)

Besides, one thing that's been left out in this rush to praise Bush as the Greatest Single-Term President in History or whatever other superlatives you wanna toss out there in the encomiums of doom is that he had no fuckin' choice when it came to legislative goals except to do some rational shit. He had a Democratic House and Senate for his entire term.  Everyone wants to talk about the bipartisanship, the "reaching across the aisle" that Bush did, but the fuckin' Democrats did it, too. They didn't just shut the whole fuckin' joint down unless Bush did what they wanted, like the Republicans did with Obama. So spare a thought or two for Tom Foley in the House and George Mitchell in the Senate. Most of what Bush is being praised for are Democratic initiatives he went along with.

So, sorry, tender-hearted liberals and weeping conservatives, I'm not going to spend any more time fluffing this cock. This is gonna be more of a shit-on-his-dead-face type of thing. See, I was there. I remember. I marched against him, against the Persian Gulf "war," which ended with the United States rebuilding the palaces of the oil billionaires in Kuwait; and against his savage anti-choice policies, which empowered the lunatics of Operation Rescue and the Christian terrorist assassins in their war on women.

You wanna understand who Bush was? Look at the shit he vetoed or pocket vetoed. The very first one was for a hike in the minimum wage, which hadn't budged in 8 years from $3.35, because he wanted it at $4.35 and Congress, in a bipartisan vote, wanted it $4.55. He vetoed the Civil Rights Act of 1990 because he claimed it would force hiring quotas on businesses (it wouldn't) and because it didn't cap punitive damages on discrimination lawsuits. He vetoed the National Voter Registration Act because of, no shit, false allegations of possible "fraud." He vetoed the Family and Medical Leave Act because he was a prick.

And when it came to abortion, he vetoed like a motherfucker. He vetoed the National Institutes of Health Revitalization Amendments of 1992 because it allowed fetal tissue research using material from aborted fetuses. He vetoed appropriations bills for Washington, DC, because they allowed some funding to be used indirectly for abortions in cases of rape and incest (he only wanted it used if the mother's life was in danger). He vetoed the Foreign Operations, Export Financing, and Related Programs Appropriations Act of 1990 because it included funding for a United Nations family planning program that he said might be used for abortion. He vetoed the Departments of Labor, Health and Human Services, and Education, and Related Agencies Appropriations Act because it didn't prohibit funds to be used for abortion counseling. He was rabidly anti-choice, ranting about it at every press conference and threatening any legislation that didn't adhere to his strict line.

Indeed, because he was perceived as a moderate, Bush was too fuckin' cowardly to stand up to the nutzoid right-wing of the Republican Party (back when it had wings and not just a single broken one as it does now). And if Reagan opened the doors of the White House to the Falwells and Robertsons, Bush pretty much gave them a key and told them to come and go as they pleased. As vice president and then as president, Bush kissed so much fundamentalist ass that he permanently tasted Moral Majority farts on his thin, patrician lips. He blithely cut the hearts out of gay and lesbian Americans to appease the corrupt religious right.

Bush started embracing all the utterly worthless symbolic shit along the way, the kind of issues that het up the blood of the yokels but have nothing to do with actually leading. For instance, when the Supreme Court held that it was legal to burn the American flag (I mean, fuckin' c'mon. You bought it, so you can burn it), Bush went apeshit. He demanded a constitutional amendment to outlaw flag-burning, declaring, "I do feel viscerally about burning the American flag." You could look at him and think, "He's lying. He doesn't give a shit about this."

It was all such a show to make it seem like he was down in the muck with the shit-covered yahoos. So, really, fuck him.

Where else do you want to go? You want to talk about the racism? The Willie Horton ad and Bush's refusal to not only condemn it, but to fully embrace it? The fake, racist war on drugs, which caused a surge in the prison population, wrecking African American families, as well as the ludicrous stunt of having the Secret Service buy crack near the White House? His bullshit response to the Los Angeles riots after the verdict in the Rodney King beating, the building fires his real thousand points of light?

You want to talk about the poison that he injected into the American political system by having his campaign run by Lee Atwater, as vile a creature who ever raped the country with a scabby dick and who didn't die in enough pain and regret? This is not to mention how Bush's campaign message was crafted by Roger Ailes, the gig a few years before the creation of Fox "news," and, goddamn, how Ailes played those rubes like a fuckin' fiddle and they loved having those racist, homophobic, xenophobic strings plucked, even by a rich Yalie who only got by because of his daddy's millions. This is the fuckin' template that Trump used.

You want to talk about the pardons for the half-dozen Reagan administration officials in the scandal of selling arms to Iran in order to fund the terrorist Contras in Nicaragua, obsructing justice and immunizing him from prosecution? Or his lies that got us into the worthless war in Iraq and set us up for our next worthless war with Iraq, all because of Saddam Hussein, who Bush had had no small role in putting into power? Or his role in getting arms and funds to the mujahideen in Afghanistan to fight a proxy war with the Soviet Union, which, of course, led to al-Qaeda's formation?

Or his terrible family, who continued to damage the nation in ways from which we will never recover? Or his failures in the wake of Hurricane Andrew (like father, like son, eh?)? Or his propping up of the heinous Reagan? Or his role as director of the CIA? Or Clarence fuckin' Thomas? Or his dragging the economy into a recession because he was willing to pass tax hikes but not enough to turn things around?

What was so goddamn delicious about Bill Clinton beating him was that it was one of the unwashed telling the prissy socialite to fuck off back to his family compound.

But, sure, yeah, Bush was a bomber pilot in World War II. And if he had become an insurance salesman when he got back, we'd honor him as a hero.

He didn't, though. He decided to fail and flail and flop his way through the political system, falling upward because of his wealth and connections, feeling free to insult people who were less privileged than he was. And because of that, we're free to tear his corpse to pieces and feed it to rabid curs.

Nah, I'm not gonna join in the celebration. I didn't forget everything that happened back then. Whatever he did post-presdiency pales in comparison to the long-term damage he did while in office. He doesn't get forgiven for all the families he destroyed just because he held some fundraisers for Katrina relief (which wouldn't have been so desperately needed if his dimwit son hadn't been such a colossal fuck-up).

I don't give a fuck if he was a good person. That's nice for his family and friends. Who fucking cares though? We have been working and working to claw ourselves out of the national grave dug for us by Reagan and Bush. We haven't been able to escape the molesting grip that they held us in for 12 long years.

Whether we wanted to or not, we all dove out of a plane tied to ol' Poppy, who was fondling our asses and laughing, a big fuckin' joke, and when the chute wouldn't open, he told us that was his plan all along, a kinder, gentler national death pact that we are still trying to untie ourselves from.

11/29/2018

Note to News Networks: Stop Having Climate Change Denialists on the Air

Let me quote something from the fuckin' epic climate change report put out last week by the (checks notes) federal goddamn government. It comes from Chapter 16, under Key Message 3: "Climate change is already affecting U.S. Department of Defense (DoD) assets by, among other impacts, damaging roads, runways, and waterfront infrastructure. DoD is working to both fully understand these threats and incorporate projected climate changes into long-term planning to reduce risks and minimize impacts. There are many examples of DoD’s planning and action for risks to its assets from climate change. DoD has performed a comprehensive scenario-driven examination of climate risks from sea level rise to all of its coastal military sites, including atolls in the Pacific Ocean. In the Arctic, the U.S. Coast Guard and Navy are pursuing strategies to respond to the changing geopolitical significance resulting from the projected absence of summer sea ice in the next few decades."

You got that? The Department of Defense is preparing for climate change not because it's a fantasy, but because it's real and it's happening now. By the way, the paragraph before this one says, in essence, when shit is all fucked up, people freak the fuck out and that's gonna require some military action. You think that if climate refugees or even terrorists inspired by water scarcity and searing heat in some regions, not to mention wars over shrinking access to food and water, were a possibility, we might want the Department of Defense to be ready to deal with it.

The Key Message should be "Stop being such arrogant pricks and fuckin' do something already before we're all up to our tits in ocean water while our faces burn off." Repeat after ever section.

At this point, to deny climate change is to demonstrate either ignorance or greed or both. You may wanna argue about how to solve it, but saying that this is all part of some natural cycle or "what about when they said there was gonna be an Ice Age" or assorted other bullshit should simply exclude you from the conversation. Denying climate change and denying that human activity has caused it is akin to denying there is a sun or paper or that dog you're looking at right now.

I'm reminded of a moment in my political philosophy class where a smartass douchefuck thought he was gonna get one over on the prof. She was making a point about how we need to agree on basic reality to move forward in the world and had just said, "If we all see a frog, we agree that it is a frog."

Douchefuck responded, "Well, you may say it's a frog, But I may say it's a banana."

Her response was elegant and final. She said, "You'd be wrong or ill, and either way, we shouldn't trust you." That shut Douchefuck up for a few days. And it's what we should say to so many insane, anti-science beliefs.

Still, though, the news networks insist on bringing on some godforsaken gooch scratcher to provide an illusion of balance on climate issues. For instance, on CNN, Erin Burnett had on Robert Reich and creepy-ass Stephen Moore, who said, no shit, "Can the two of you tell me one apocalyptic claim made by the environmental movement that has been true?" This is an article of faith on the right, that because no one is Nostra-fuckin'-damus and pinpointing exactly when some terrible shit will happen, climate change is a big joke.

The correct response to this is "Get the fuck off my show and get the fuck away from anywhere rational humans gather." 'Cause, see, among the shit that's been predicted that's happened is severe heat waves (talk to people in India, Canada, Egypt, Australia, and Portugal, for a start), stronger hurricanes (ya think?), and rising seas (it fucking floods during high tide regularly in a bunch of places now). Anyone denying that this is happening, that people did this, and that people need to solve that shit now needs to be whipped into the hinterlands. And if you say that we need to put jobs ahead of saving the entire planet, you should be locked in a madhouse.

This pariah status needs to extend to Republicans elected officials, too. Here's noted pig ball fondler, Senator Joni Ernst, on CNN this past Sunday: "Well, we know that our climate is changing. Our climate always changes. And we see those ebb and flows through time." Let's not even get into Donald Trump's pathetic response where he declared himself intelligent and then mouth-farted something utterly dumb, saying that his own employees are full of shit on this and he knows better because his big fuckin' gut or whatever.

Alluding to another talking point on the right, that climate scientists are making coin on the crisis, Stephen Moore gurgled something about "The climate change industrial complex." Fuck you, man. Scientists are often faculty members at universities or staff members at labs. They get a decent salary, maybe even a hundred grand, perhaps two, if they're really important. They might get a book published that makes a few bucks. The grants they get aren't for themselves. They're for studying and experimenting and traveling and paying for staff. No one's getting rich on the NSF's dime.

On the other side, though? In 2013, Charif Souki, then the CEO of Cheniere Energy, an oil and gas company made $142 million. Who's in it for the money?

Essentially, what Stephen Moore and all the climate denialists are doing is jacking off the dick of the fossil fuel industry until it spooges cash into their faces that they voraciously lap up.

It's a goddamn embarrassment that they are still treated as anything more than the lying shills or deranged morons that they are.