Photos That Make Me Want to Shake Up a Bottle of Fullsteam Beer and Spray It in a Legislator's Face

That's a photo of the line to vote early in the presidential election. It's outside the Hope Mills Recreation Center in Hope Mills, North Carolina, where the GOP-controlled legislature has engaged in fuckery in cutting the number of hours of early voting, as well as reducing the number of polling places. This was all in an effort to, oh, shit, what? Save money? Prevent fraud? Which bullshit reason did they give for this?

The idea was to try to make it inconvenient for Democrats to vote, especially non-white Democrats because, as one federal judge said, "African Americans disproportionately used" early voting.

But, if you look at that photo up there, you can see that there are a whole lot of old and/or obese white people in Hope Mills being inconvenienced, too. The town is, after all, nearly 75% white. The county as a whole might have gone to Obama in 2008 and 2012, but the district has elected a Republican to the House for a good, long while.

So good job, North Carolina GOP. You did that. Enjoy your stupidity and cruelty, especially in the wake of Hurricane Matthew.


Random Observations From Watching Hillary Clinton Sodomize Donald Trump Repeatedly Last Night

1. From the beginning, the tone of last night's third presidential debate (aka "The Time an Orange Pussy Was Grabbed by a Former Secretary of State") was set from the first question from moderator Chris "Do You Still Love Me, Roger?" Wallace. It was about the Supreme Court and how the candidates view the role of the court and the Constitution. Democrat Hillary Clinton offered a thoughtful explanation of the Supreme Court as a check on the powerful. Republican candidate and imploding rage persimmon Donald Trump took a different tactic.

First, he talked about how one justice had totally dissed him: "Justice Ginsburg made some very, very inappropriate statements toward me." Then he veered into the one amendment he apparently has heard of: "We need a Supreme Court that in my opinion is going to uphold the Second Amendment, and all amendments, but the Second Amendment, which is under absolute siege." So don't worry, Third Amendment fans, you still won't be forced to quarter soldiers. In other words, Clinton said something that was real and possible and Trump followed up with ego, fantasy, and lies. That Clinton didn't respond to Trump's every answer with "The fuck are you saying? Yo, Chris, what the fuck is that? Fuck, fucking dumbfuck" before kicking him in the taint and sodomizing him with a dildo on principle is some kind of miracle of self-control.

2. Well, there was that one moment when Clinton said, "Let me translate that, if I can, Chris" when Trump was rattling off a stream of not-really-consciousness about the economy.

3. Clinton let her feminist freak flag fly in full last night with her response on a question about abortion. She gave up the total bullshit line that abortion should be "safe, legal, and rare" because, let's face it, it ain't ever gonna be rare. Instead, she offered absolute support for Roe v. Wade and, when asked about late-term abortions (when Wallace used the anti-choice dog whistle phrase "partial-birth abortion"), Clinton made an impassioned and compassionate case for its necessity: "The kinds of cases that fall at the end of pregnancy are often the most heartbreaking, painful decisions for families to make." Goddamn, it was great to see Clinton get her activist dander up for women's rights again.

3a. Trump responded, in one of his most mentally-challenged moments, that "based on what she's saying, and based on where she's going, and where she's been, you can take the baby and rip the baby out of the womb in the ninth month on the final day. And that's not acceptable." No, motherfucker, that's not an acceptable abortion. It is a c-section, however. No doctor is cutting open women and swinging babies around by their umbilical cords like it's on the end of a slingshot and tossing them in the garbage. To Donald Trump, compassion is what you show people who like you. Everyone else can suck it.

4. Trump, dude, fuckin' marry Putin already and move to Russia where he can rub bear oil on your pendulous man nips.

4a. And what the hell was all that dissing of American intelligence agencies? Trump was on some kind of paranoid rant about how "you don't know" that Russia wasn't behind email hacks when, like, every intelligence group says it was Russia. There are lots of reasons to criticize our spying for its invasion of Americans' privacy (a subject, like climate change, never brought up in the debates), but to go to the mat over what country hacked a private email account is a desperate play for one's lover's attention.

4b. Pendulous. Man. Nips.

5. Yeah, yeah, Clinton still seemed like she's stumbling around when asked about her email server. But, truly, what the fuck else is there to say? "I fucked up," she's told us time and again, and, unless you believe, like Trump, that the FBI is just a big scam to protect Hillary Clinton, how is the whole thing even relevant except as something, anything to use to criticize Clinton?

6. Trump said Clinton was responsible for the following things:
a. His use of Chinese steel in his buildings
b. His not paying income tax for 20 years
c. Women saying that he has assaulted them
d. The timing of the attack to take back Mosul
Seriously, if she's this powerful, we better fuckin' elect her or she's just gonna use her obvious wizard-abilities to murder us all like we're just Vince Fosters in a park.

7. Trump can't help himself with his misogyny. In addition to his condemnation of the women who said he tit-groped, force-kissed, and pussy fondled them, at one point, when Clinton said, "My Social Security payroll contribution will go up, as will Donald's, assuming he can't figure out how to get out of it," Trump proclaimed, "Such a nasty woman." Just to put this in context: By that point, late in the debate, Trump had said that Clinton had committed high crimes, is "crooked" and running a "crooked campaign," and shouldn't even have been allowed run for president. But, sure, implying that Trump, who has said he's proud he doesn't pay taxes, might weasel out of paying for Social Security, that's the nasty part. Trump has never been a position where he had to listen to woman tell him what a piece of shit he is when there was nothing he could do about it.

8. And, of course, Trump proved how this whole thing is just a fuckin' game to him when he said, in answer to a question about whether he would "accept" the outcome of the election, "I will look at it at the time. I'm not looking at anything now. I'll look at it at the time...What I'm saying is that I will tell you at the time. I'll keep you in suspense. OK?" And there it is. This is a goddamn sporting event, a very special episode of The Apprentice: Deplorables Edition to him. You got that sense earlier when he smirked that he should have won an Emmy for his idiot show. He followed up today with a coy "I'll totally accept" the election results "if I win,"

And what does that even mean? Fuckin' hell, Republicans, especially those in Congress, didn't accept Obama's election twice. Trump just said it too early. And Trump doesn't have to concede. That doesn't change the outcome of the election. He can stand there with his dick in his hands and pretend like some challenge he makes will change the outcome. But unless a court accepts it, he either has to lead his idiot hordes into revolution (which he won't and which, with maybe a couple of exceptions, they won't) or he has to slither back to his golden penthouse and pretend his entire life hasn't become a huge goddamn joke.


Pre-Debate Palate Cleanser: Oh, There's Way More Stupid to Gary Johnson

If you haven't yet watched John Oliver's genuinely brutal takedown of third party candidates Gary Johnson and Jill Stein, do yourself a favor and check it out. You'll get all kinds of bizarro fuckery and Stein's attempt at being Ani DiFranco.

But that only scratches the surface of the things that Libertarian candidate Johnson has on his own website, where everything is written in the drawl of Johnson's middle-aged stoner who just discovered weed is far more potent now than when he was a teenager. For instance, here's the actual language from the section "Environment," which is notable for having no plan for protecting the, you know, environment: "Is the climate changing? Probably so. Is man contributing to that change? Probably so. But the critical question is whether the politicians’ efforts to regulate, tax and manipulate the private sector are cost-effective – or effective at all."

That sort of "Eh, maybe, but whatcha gonna do? Shit happens" approach is pretty much the entirety of the Johnson/Weld platform. (And, by the way, a johnson weld sounds like an incredibly painful and ultimately useless operation to get a bigger penis.) Frankly, Johnson's got a boner for wrecking the environment, being pro-fracking and pro-fossil fuels expansion without trying to mitigate the effects of all of that.

Other issues are treated with basic Republican bullshit, except with an added twist of madness. In "Education," Johnson asserts, "[He] advocated a universally available program for school choice. Competition, he believes, will make our public and private educational institutions better." And Hunger Games will make our students learn how to survive the collapse of society. The mad twist, and, to be fair, he's not the first right-wing politician to propose this, is "he believes we should eliminate the federal Department of Education" and send everything to the states, which means that Alabama could pass a law saying that your Pell Grant can only be used for colleges that teach creationism is true and slavery was awesome.

Now, sure, sure, Johnson has policies that a liberal can love, like being pro-choice and pro-pot and anti-interventionist, but your cool uncle who'll drive you to your abortion and tell you why the Iraq War is bullshit while sharing his stash also has your usual "Oh, fuckin' c'mon" Ron Paul-ish beliefs, like a return to the gold standard for currency, cuts to and privatization of Social Security, and other shit. He likes ludicrous "religious freedom" laws and is against pretty much any gun laws, including schools as gun-free zones. He opposes raising the minimum wage and paid family and medical leave.

In other words, sure, if you're a Republican who cannot stomach a vote for Trump and doesn't give a shit about climate change and just would like to vote for a dumbass without a Hitler complex, well, have at.

(Note: No, I won't be doing one of these on Jill Stein because why?)


Melania Trump: Narcissist Wife Defends Narcissist Husband in the Most Narcissistic Way Possible

I sat down last night in front of the big-screen at Chez Rude with a tumbler of bourbon to enjoy snow-capped wood nymph Anderson Cooper's interview with Melania Trump, the wife of Republican nominee for president and flaming rage pig Donald Trump. Perhaps I would learn something. Perhaps it would give me an excuse to have several tumblers of bourbon. Instead, what you could glean from the interview was that powder is your friend when you're under bright lights and that Ms. Trump is as much of a narcissistic trash heap as her husband. In fact, she is everything that her husband is, except with proportionately longer fingers and possibly less inclination to maul women.

Let's see if we can count up the hypocrisies, lies, bullshit, and self-promotion that came out of the half-hour we all got to spend in the Trumps' fucking ugly Manhattan penthouse.

1. Melania Trump has no problem attacking the women who have accused her husband of unwanted advances and sexual assault. "This was all organized from the opposition and with the details that they go -- did they ever -- did they ever check the background of these women? They don't have any facts," Trump said, and that's pretty much exactly what the Trump campaign has accused Hillary Clinton of doing when it comes to the women who allege things about her husband. The big difference? If Clinton did try to disparage them, she never fucking did it in an interview or public forum.

2. Nothing is ever her husband's fault. She stated, flat out, "[E]verything was organized and put together to hurt him, to hurt his candidacy." When Cooper pressed her on this, asking if the media and the Clinton campaign were colluding, she responded, " Yes. Of course," as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, that, no shit, Anderson, Access Hollywood and NBC are working together to tank Trump.

3. This is not even to get into the totally pathetic excuse for Trump's campaign-wrecking audio where he admitted force-kissing and fondling women to a giggling Billy "Another Out-of-Work" Bush. "The language is inappropriate, it's not acceptable, and I was surprised because that is not the man that I know," Trump said. "And as you can see from the tape, the cameras were on. It was only a mike. And I wonder if they even knew that the mike was on because they were kind of boy talk and he was led on, like, egg on from the host to say dirty and bad stuff." If, say, Billy Bush had been heard saying, "And what about their pussies? Do you ever do anything to their pussies?" then, sure, that's egging on. But Trump did this on his own, not because of some Vulcan mind meld with bad boy Billy.

4. Did you know there are naked pictures of Melania Trump? Well, she was ready to remind you. Without being asked about them - just about the general treatment of her during the campaign, Trump brought up her early nude photos, reminding us that she has a body, ya'll: "I'm very proud I did those pictures. I'm not ashamed of my body. I feel very comfortable with myself and with my body. And they were taken for a European French magazine. And in Europe, we are proud of our bodies, no matter what size you are. And it was done as art, as a celebration of female body." Yes, Ms. Trump. We get it. You want people to look at the pictures.

5. What the fuck did she mean when she said that negative stories about her "surprised me also because every story, it's a female, it's a female reporter"? Is she saying that women are jealous of her? Of her body? Of her fatuous dick of a husband? Weird.

6. Donald Trump is a "gentleman" who just tells it like it is. You stupid proles misunderstand the depth of his honest honesty.

7. But, truly, the most fucked up thing in the interview was the conclusion, when Cooper asked Trump to fantasize about what she'd do as First Lady. Said a woman whose husband has professionalized trolling and childish name-calling online, "I see now in 21st century, the social media, it's very damaging for the children. We need to guide them and teach them about social media because I see a lot of negativity on it and we need to help them. It has some positive effect as well because this is the life that we live in now, but has a lot of negativity as well."

At that point, the word "hypocrisy" talked about killing himself but didn't do it while irony laughed at him.

Much bourbon was drunk.


Watch the Debate with Jeff Kreisler and Me in Hoboken (Yeah, Hoboken)

Wednesday night is the last debate, which means that it's our last chance to yell at our screens when Donald Trump doesn't answer a question, insults Hillary Clinton to her face, and generally shits on the stage and democracy.

So why not come and do it with me and with writer/comedian Jeff Kreisler at a cool theatre in Hoboken, New Jersey? We'll be heckling the debate live at the Mile Square Theatre on 14th and Clinton St. You can get tickets in advance.

The show starts at 8:30 and then the main event begins at 9 p.m. There will be laughs. There will be treats. There will be tricks in the alley (probably). Mostly, though, we're gonna be as filthy and mean as we can possibly be

Get your tickets now and come on out. Heckle along with us. And, dear god, we'll get through this. Together, head held high, middle fingers in the air.

(Note: Yes, the trains are running fine.)

Yeah, Sorry, But Fuck Donald Trump's Supporters (and the GOP)

One of the biggest goddamn insults in this entire campaign has actually been propagated by some on the left: that we should reach out to the supporters of Donald Trump - a racially homogenous group who are fairly diverse economically - and try to either convince them to vote Democratic or, at the very least, understand the forces that have made them so resentful. And while this bleeding heart liberal wants to make sure that the poor Trump supporters get all the welfare, job training, housing support, education, health care, and more that we can provide, I'm sure as shit not gonna worry about hurting the feelings of dumb, racist motherfuckers for one big-ass reason.

See, I've lived in many a red state. Three of the states where I've lived are still squarely in the Trump column. I know the assholes who are voting for him: stick-up-the-ass evangelicals, racist fucknuts, proudly stupid drunks, and craven schemers who think Trump is gonna make them rich by some kind of magic. You wanna spend your time trying to tell these freaks and fascists that the Democratic Party is looking out for them, well, have at it. Mostly, what you'll find out is how much they hate having a black man as president and the various ways you can go fuck yourself.

But I know a shit-ton of people down South and in the Midwest, working- and middle-class whites, most of whom never went to college, some not even graduating from high school, who think Donald Trump is a fucking hateful fraud, a showboating pissant, and a giant talking turd. When you try to "figure out" what drives Trump supporters and think that those of us who say, "Yeah, fuck them" are smug coast-clinging liberals, you are insulting the fuck out of the millions of people in Trump country who grew up in similar circumstances and decided that being racist, sexist, Islamophobic, anti-immigrant, and conspiracy-theory-loving jerk is wrong and work to make their area of the United States a little more tolerant and progressive.

The Trump voters not only reject that, but they are actively working to turn back the clock and harm large groups of Americans. And we're supposed to be sympathetic to yahoos who seriously think there is going to be a revolution? Just because they might be addicted to opioids and had a shitty time getting a job that paid as much as the one they lost because of the policies of George W. Bush and are sad that their "way of life" is fading? Get the fuck out of here. (And, again, see the first paragraph. They should get every help the government can provide them.)

A couple of days ago, the Republican Party's office in Orange County, North Carolina, was firebombed by an unknown assailant who was incredibly clear and articulate in the graffiti left on a nearby building. A GoFundMe page was started by a Democrat in Boston to help provide money to rebuild the office, and over $13,000 was raised in a day or so. I totally get it: let's show them how we're good people. Let's take the high road and condemn violence (even though we don't know yet who did this and why). And if you wanna spend your money on that, have at.

But all I can think about is that it's the fuckin' North Carolina GOP, the HB2-lovin' motherfuckers. The gerrymandering, vote-blocking North Carolina GOP. Yeah, sorry, what happened sucks and it's great that no one was hurt, but if my money might help you support Trump or even Senator Richard Burr, I'd rather just give my cash to the homeless guy on my corner who keeps bugging me for change to buy cigarettes.

Why all this hate, huh? Why can't I just be a nice, empathetic liberal? Because we're no longer dealing with anything approaching a rational opponent. Today, John McCain said in an interview that Republicans in the Senate would block any Supreme Court nominee from a President Hillary Clinton. "I promise you that we will be united against any Supreme Court nominee that Hillary Clinton, if she were president, would put up," McCain really did say.

So we're facing a party that is trying to prevent people from voting, with a nominee that is actively inciting people to possible violence in order to undermine the very democracy that got him this goddamn far, and has elected officials who have made it their jobs to simply undo the will of the majority of Americans. I ain't playing nice with shitheels and ratfuckers, and I won't abide pompous blowhards and the fools who follow them.


A Story of a Kiss for a Friday

Here's a brief story for you:

In the early 1990s I was at a New Year's Eve party at a friend's house in Tennessee. It had been a genuinely fun evening, with wine and weed and music and dancing and heartfelt conversations on the back deck and joke telling on the front porch. The people were a mix: gay, straight, black, white, men, women, older, younger. I was in that latter group back then. One man in his 50s, Lyle, had been flirting with me, and I was pretty clear that I wasn't interested. Near midnight, Lyle found me and, when the clock struck 12, he came up to me for what I thought was a friendly hug. Instead, he put one hand on the back of my head and the other on my neck and, as I resisted and pulled back, he pulled me in and kissed me, sticking his tongue in my mouth. I was stronger and shoved him off me. Almost no one saw, and I made a split-second decision not to say anything and not to make a scene. I told the one person who asked about it that it was no big deal and got another drink. "Yeah, Lyle does that sometimes when he's drunk," the friend told me. The rest of the night, Lyle kept smiling at me as if we had just shared a special, secret moment. I finally left around 4 and headed to Waffle House with some other friends, several of whom had their own Lyle tale.

Now, I'm not telling this story for sympathy. I don't need anyone to wish me well. Give those sentiments to people who have been through far, far worse than that. And I'm not telling the story because I'm trying to say that I understand what women go through, especially, now, the women who are saying that Donald Trump has done the same and more to them. Lyle had no power in my life and was, at best, a distant acquaintance. I had no reason to fear him, no reason to care about him since he could do nothing to me. So I was in very different circumstances and won't pretend to be anything other than an ally to the women who are accusing Trump now.

The reason I'm bringing it up is this:

Trump and his people ask why these allegations are coming out now. Other than the fact that they'd been coming out over the decades and just ignored, that's just a stupid question. If Lyle were running for president and if Lyle had told the entire nation that he had never done anything like what he did to me, then I would go to the media and tell this story because I'd believe that it's important for everyone to know what kind of person they were voting for.

So while I might not be able to fully understand what the women, what nearly all women have experienced, I get why they're speaking up. Trump was attempting to be elected by denying his own actions. He had to be held to account by someone. I'd feel a duty to do so. The weight of responsibility must be heavy on the women coming forward, especially as they are attacked by Trump's idiot hordes and dismissed as liars and slanderers by Trump. But they are still speaking, more and more every day.

Courage these days comes from stating the simple truth and standing by it.


Donald Trump Won't Go Gentle Into That Good Night, Will Take as Many of Us as He Can

Donald Trump, Republican presidential nominee and Arion slug, has decided that if he's going down in flames, he's gonna take as many of us motherfuckers with him. At this point, Trump is like Hans Gruber at the end of Die Hard, thrown off the tower but grasping onto the hand of a woman as she and John McClane try break his grip before he drags her off, too. Take heart, sweet America: Hans Gruber winds up as a popped flesh balloon at the end. (Oh, sorry. Spoilers.)

Trump is flailing around like someone shoved a spiked butt plug up his ass and he keeps twisting around and around, trying to reach back to pull it out, not realizing how far it's already gone up his own shithole. In the last 24 hours, as the sad-but-oh-so-expected revelations of the number of women he assaulted and ogled grew, Trump has pushed his rhetoric from stupidly unhinged to Mussolini on a meth bender in a speeding Fiat barely clinging to curves on the roads of the Amalfi coast.

His speech today in West Palm Beach, Florida, had him going full Protocols of Zion, declaring, "Hillary Clinton meets in secret with international banks to plot the destruction of U.S. sovereignty in order to enrich these global financial powers, her special interest friends, and her donors." To which, I suppose, one could ask, "Dude, you're allegedly a fuckin' billionaire. Are just pissed that none of those people will return your calls?" Clinton does have connections to the wealthy. No shit. But it's as if Trump made her an honorary Jew so he could get in some antisemitism along sexism. Then he proclaimed there was collusion between the media and the Clinton campaign. "Let's be clear on one thing, the corporate media in our country is no longer involved in journalism," and that'd be true except that the one thing the Trump campaign has done for the nation is revive the role of journalism as at least something of a check on those who might just wreck the joint. (Let's hope this is an awakening that will continue, no matter who is president.)

In that same speech, Trump asked the crowd if he would be so low as to molest a woman who is obviously below his beauty standards. Regarding the reporter from People magazine, Natasha Stoynoff, Trump, who looks like what you'd get if you wiped a tangerine under a refrigerator and let it dry into a wrinkled ball, said, "Take a look. You take a look. Look at her. And look at her words. And you tell me what you think. I don't think so. I don't think so." The crowd was so frothingly supporting him that if he had taken a shit at that moment, the people near the front would have torn each other apart to gobble it up when he finished.

We're not even getting into his attacks on Paul Ryan (who, to be fair, deserves every kick in the nutsack he gets), his threat to sue the New York Times (which was met with a "No, fuck you" from the Times's lawyer) and his accusers, and how his candidacy has pretty much started the implosion of the religious right, along with the GOP and the entire conservative movement.

It'd be great to take pleasure in this, except that it's pleasure built on the agony of every woman he assaulted, every small business owner he dicked over, and everyone he ever treated like shit. Let's just hope things don't keep escalating at this rate. We're not that far from him calling on his idiot hordes to become stormtroopers.