Too Much Bad News? Enjoy Ted Cruz Contemplating Reagan's Penis

What is poorly-drawn Senator Ted Cruz thinking about in this image from his campaign coloring book? Is it that the creepy Reagan head gave blanket amnesty to millions of undocumented immigrants? Or that Reagan talked to his enemies (and illegally sold arms to Iran)? Is Cruz wondering if Reagan would even be allowed in today's Republican Party?

Or perhaps he's contemplating what it would be like to lean in and kiss Reagan, right on the lips, at first gently, tentatively, to see if Reagan was into it, and when Reagan didn't pull away, Cruz could kiss harder, needfully, forcefully, flicking his tongue in and out of Reagan's mouth, before Cruz reached down and massaged Reagan's half-erect penis to full tumescence, pausing to look into Reagan's eyes for the okay to continue, Reagan barely, almost breathlessly, nodding, as Cruz descended to his knees, unzipped Reagan's Haggar slacks and allowed the imagined huge, veiny dick to flop out, with Cruz gasping for a moment before licking it, lapping all around, just getting Reagan throbbing in anticipation before Cruz engulfed Reagan's dick in his mouth.

Yeah, probably that. Either way, though, you know Cruz is jacking off with his other hand.

(Fun fact: That Reagan line is totally quoted wrong. But you can get the book for $10.)


Ten More

I can remember when the McDonald's massacre in San Ysidro, California, happened in 1984. I can remember that my family was on vacation when we heard that a man with a gun killed 21 people at the fast food restaurant, including kids, the worst mass shooting in the nation up to that point. We've topped it three times since. But I remember the utter shock, the abject horror I felt, thinking about those families, thinking about them helpless.

I can remember when a Luby's cafeteria in Killeen, Texas, was shot up by one man, with a death toll of 23. That was in October 1991, and I heard about it on the news that night. It stuck with me because I had been to Killeen, and I had eaten at that Luby's, so I knew the space, knew what it was like to be there, could picture the different places where I could have hidden if I had been there.

I no longer remember where I am when I hear about the latest nightmare massacre in the United States. I am no longer shocked enough by their occurrence. And that makes me so sorrowful because that means I've become so numb to all of this that it barely registers beyond "Oh, what is it this time? What variation on the nightmare is it?"

The at-least ten people who were gunned down near Roseburg, Oregon, are victims of the shooter, yes. But this nation is filled to overflow with complicit criminals. At this point, if you are someone who doesn't believe in greater gun regulation you are an accomplice. No, let's go further: you are a murderer. If we're executing people who were in the room when someone was killed by another or planned someone's death, then anyone who opposes and works against tighter gun laws is guilty of murder in the same way, by facilitating it, by making it easier for the murder to occur, by creating the circumstances by which murder happens.

(Speaking of, if you want to make yourself sick to needing to vomit, read the alleged 4Chan posts by the shooter warning that something was going to happen, as well as the responses of others encouraging him to kill and then cheering when he did.)

We've given up so much in the United States to people who are wrong. Not just opinion wrong, but actually wrong. We know that stricter gun laws lead to fewer gun deaths. This is a fact. We know that states with loose gun laws have a higher rate of gun violence. This is a fact. These facts should make a rational society do something.

Instead, we're told that such facts don't matter. Instead, we've been forced to just suck it up after every massacre, whether it's children or college students or restaurant patrons, because of the cowardly inaction of our legislators. We're told that our guns will keep us safe. No, they won't. And you're a fool who will get yourself or somebody else killed if you believe that.

Like President Obama essentially said today, I'm just so tired of allowing the fools to even be allowed a place in our public discourse. If we don't treat the fools and cowards like fools and cowards, then we are damned to go through this again. And again. Repeat endlessly.


Titty Flattening and Baby Murdering: A Day in Congress

Yesterday's House Oversight Committee bullshit hearing on Planned Parenthood took a different tactic than the previous House Judiciary Committee bullshit hearing. While the Judiciary Committee was all about baby parts, the Oversight Committee was looking into the funding of Planned Parenthood by the federal government, searching for some non-video related reason to justify the GOPs blind rage towards the women's health and family planning clinics. So Planned Parenthood's president, Cecile Richards, was forced to sit for hours, listening to Republican cunt after Republican cunt disparage, attack, and condemn her.

Basically, though, it went something like this:
GOP Cunt: You make shit-tons of moola murderin' the babies, right?

Richards: We--

GOP Cunt: Shut up, kooz. A man is talkin' here. My rhetorical questions are actually statements. I only have limited time!

Richards: But--

GOP Cunt: Does Planned Parenthood flatten the titties?

Richards: No, we--

GOP Cunt: Ah-ha! So you don't flatten titties?

Richards: We direct--

GOP Cunt: You are such liars. You said you flatten titties. If you don't pancake the boobies, you must not give a shit about women's health. Boobies!

Richards: There is more--

GOP Cunt: Let the record show that Planned Parenthood only murders babies and it does not flatten titties. Take away their money so we can kill babies in Yemen with bombs instead. Whose got two thumbs and a dick and just won the argument? This guy. (High fives female Republican committee member who hates her own sex.)

More or less, that was pretty much all that happened. Throw in an attack on Richards' salary, which is less than the football coaches at 90 universities, which receive a whole bunch of federal funding, and you've got the makings of an old-fashioned asshole-off, where one member of Congress tries to out-asshole the others.

There were wonderfully ridiculous sights, like Committee Chair Jason Chaffetz's bitch face when confronted with the fact that his supposedly ironclad chart proving that PPFA was doing many more abortions and far fewer cancer screenings was actually just anti-choice propaganda.  Really, the graphic itself is so disproportionate to the real numbers that it may as well have been created by a baboon who tried to do Excel.

Others will fact check the many lies and exaggerations and fallacies in the Republican case. But about those flattened titties, the Republicans on the committee made a big damn deal about whether or not Planned Parenthood did mammograms, practically jumping up and whooping when Richards said that the organization's clinics does not do them. People outside of PPFA have misspoken and said the clinics performed them. Most recently, Martin O'Malley did so, including mammograms in a list of services that Planned Parenthood provides. He was wrong.

But you know who was right? Planned Parenthood. From their website:

Right there, it says that Planned Parenthood will refer you to a place to get the mammogram. This wasn't some hidden, secret plot to disguise what they do. PPFA can't control if politicians, even those who support it, get the info wrong.

What a pathetic waste of time. The desperation with which Republicans are trying to discredit Planned Parenthood would be a joke if only women's bodies weren't on the line.

(Note: Yes, the Rude Pundit considered other words besides "cunt." None of them quite captured the cuntistry of the GOP.)


In Brief: Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Shoot Up Heroin in the Middle of a Wheat Field

No. No. Fuck you, Kansas Governor Sam Brownback. You don't get to play touchy-feely with zombie women. You can suck a bucket of disembodied zombie dicks before you get to declare, as you did, that October is "Zombie Preparedness Month" in your sad state. Sure, your Christian extremist views make you believe in people coming back from the dead more than a voodoo priestess does, but you don't get to do this shit.

Not after all the threats of school budget cuts and actual cuts to actual things that actual people actually use. Not after almost destroying Kansas in pursuit of a brain-damaged dream of conservatopia that failed so miserably that you had to fucking beg and blackmail the legislature into raising some taxes. No, you don't get to spend a red fucking cent on this fake quirky, fake fun, fake zombie bullshit. Not for the paper you signed for the proclamation. Not on the time the staff spent putting it together. Not for the electricity in the fucking offices where this fuckery took place.

Goddamnit, why aren't those things real up there so that Brownback can learn the cost of denying his state's poor expanded Medicaid? Oh, wait. He'd have to be human in order for them to want to eat him.

12th Anniversary Today: The Rude Pundit's Biennial Fundraiser Was a Total Blowout Success

The Rude Pundit says, "Big, huge thanks to the literally hundreds of people who donated through PayPal and other means to this old, old blog. Twelve blog years feels like 150 in human years, and the generosity and support of the last week has been overwhelming. You gals and guys blew the roof off what I had hoped to raise and ascended right into the sky. Goddamn, it was beautiful. While you can't read too much into one donate-a-thon, the Obama economy has been doing pretty friggin' great for people."

"I already ordered the new computer, gonna get that whiskey, and am arranging for going to Los Angeles to totally do Stephanie Miller. I'll let you know when that's gonna happen so maybe we can book another thing or two for the time out on the left coast.

"Now, I promise no more begging for cash for another couple of years. But during the Trump/Cruz administration, we'll need all the help we can get."

Back later with more ludicrous rudeness.


Carly Fiorina Is a Lying Piece of Shit, Too

Destroyer of American jobs and GOP presidential candidate Carly Fiorina insists, with the kind of fervent madness that you get in someone who believes Jesus appears in tree bark and water stains on concrete, that she has viewed a scene in one of the anti-Planned Parenthood videos where one can "Watch a fully formed fetus on the table, its heart beating, its legs kicking while someone says, ‘We have to keep it alive to harvest its brain.'" This supposedly happens, according to people who have seen all the videos, in the seventh one.

So the Rude Pundit watched it. It is disturbing as fucking hell. Of course it is. It's talking about medical procedures. Of course the doctors and lab technicians are inured to how gross it is and speak in blase', clinical tones about it. They have to or they couldn't do their jobs. And, technically, you do witness what Fiorina says. Except, as so many have pointed out, the fetus shown is a stillborn having some nerve reactions, and "fully-formed" is really a bit of a stretch.

The rest of the video relies on an interview with Holly O'Donnell, someone who didn't work at Planned Parenthood, who didn't witness any abortions, who heard a couple of things and said she saw an email. When the fetus is shown, we hear O'Donnell quoting a colleague at the lab where she worked, saying, "This is a really good fetus and it looks like we can procure a lot from it. We're going to procure brain." So they have to cut open the head, O'Donnell says. Again, it's disgusting, it's unpleasant, but it's not illegal and it's not the scene that Fiorina said she saw. Fiorina could have reasonably said that the Planned Parenthood videos had an emotional impact on her, but that, being a thinking, rational adult, she'd like more information.

Except she didn't do that. Confronted time and again with the fact, the indisputable, actual fact, that the scene she described doesn't exist, Fiorina has insisted that everyone else is a liar but her. On Facebook yesterday, she said, "[I]t's clear the video is of an aborted baby left to die in a metal tray kicking for life." Her source for this is a conservative website that is quoting a radical anti-choice group on what the footage is, although the group refuses to say where it got the images. Not only is it most definitely not "clear," even Fiorina admits that the words and the video are not of the same thing. We don't know what happened to the fetus that's shown.

If the footage was real, if Planned Parenthood was doing anything wrong, then perhaps, just maybe, one of the investigations of PPFA would have turned something up. Maybe there would be a document or two. Maybe there would be more witnesses willing to step forward. Because to believe Fiorina means that there would have to be a major conspiracy of silence going on among people who would have every financial and moral motive in the world not to stay silent. If a Planned Parenthood employee came forward with a stack of files and personally-witnessed testimony, that person would be treated like a Roman emperor by the anti-choice movement. The riches of the world and all the pussy and/or dick they wanted would be laid at their feet.

Instead, we get the pathetic sight of Fiorina's campaign scraping through the internet's sphincter to find something to justify the boss's lies. And that must be a shitty job for her staff. They already have to pretend that Fiorina did anything other than nearly destroy Hewlett-Packard. Besides her lies, she's just another odious conservative, crapping into the eager ears of the bullshit seekers. Today, she declared that waterboarding was just great and that NSA warrantless spying is dandy.

The New York Times has an article about the supposed "conflicted feelings" that feminist women are having about Fiorina, as if just her lack of a penis was enough to make her electable and that women are so stupid that they would think for a second about voting for her. On that count, let's give the final word here to Gloria Steinem, also on Facebook, who wrote after the GOP debate, "If you thought Republicans could find no woman more damaging to the diversity and needs of the female half of this country than Sarah Palin, take a good look at Carly Fiorina and what she stands for."


In Brief: Boehned

Okay, conservative fucknuts, yahoos, ass-scratchers, and ball-lickers, now that Speaker of the House John Boehner will be out of the way, your fondest dreams can come true. Bring it, you putrid little bitches.

It's time to get this shit over with. It's time for the rest of the nation to understand what we that dwell in this land of political overload already understand: there are dangerous radicals trying to destroy the federal government from the inside. The pathetic part is that, motherfucker that he was, Boehner was the last wall standing before the Huns got inside and fucked everything up.

Oh, they won't get anything passed into law, these misanthropic fake Christians and doofus supply-siders and closeted women haters. The Senate will see to that. But the nation is changing, not fast enough, but it is moving fast to, finally, push these ignorant hordes aside, so they are doing what desperate people always do when faced with the end: blow shit up. See how many people they can take with them.

Yes, we will pine for the days of Boehner's retro-cuntishness. At least there was some style. At least there was an acknowledgement that, on some level, if you're in the legislative branch, you have to motherfuckin' legislate.

For fuck's sake, let's have this fight already. Let's see which America is left standing.

Note: It's the last few hours of the Rude Pundit's Biennial Fundraiser. Let's squeeze one last drop of love out of the rudiverse tonight. Click on over and contribute.

Very Late Post Today

Pope traffic. 

Back later with more Boehning. 

Twelve Years of Accurate Analysis and Anal Sex References: The Rude Pundit's Biennial Fundraising-Ilingus

Oh, man, oh, man, the events just keep coming, every day seemingly more strange and absurd than the last. A pope delivers a speech that, if given by a Democrat, he'd be accused of being a wild and woolly socialist. The Speaker of the House resigns. Rats become far more ambitious about their dining choices. And the Rude Pundit is here to mock, deride, and, occasionally, sympathize, as he has been for the last 12 goddamn years. He doesn't know if he's got another 12 in him, but he's going strong right now after a long time in the despairing woods.

So every other year, he hosts this little way for rude readers, who truly are about as generous a bunch as he could ask for, to chunk some cash into his cup and give him some walking around money. All he wants is a new computer, maybe a case of Kentucky bourbon, and a plane ticket to Los Angeles so that fans of The Stephanie Miller Show can hear him uncensored and untethered on her Happy Hour podcast.

Today is the final day of the fundraiser, so let's put it over the top by clicking that PayPal button below or on the side.

And the Rude Pundit's taking your questions, which you can send to "rudepundit(at)yahoo(dot)com."

You can be just like reader Stacey, who wants to know, "Do you think the papal visit will remind all those conservative fucks of the Christ part of Christian?" Oh, Stacey, modern conservatives, almost in full, gave up on the "Christ" part ages ago. Right now, they're about as Christian as blood-orgy-having, baby-sacrificing Mammon worshipers. If Christ came back, he'd kick their asses left and right, saying, "What the fuck did I tell you about this shit?"


Pope Speaks, Boehner Weeps, Nothing Changes

The Rude Pundit could not find it in himself to give a single rat's ass about Pope Francis's visit to the United States, other than a desire to find some "Viva El Papa" merchandise because it makes him giggle. Atheism is funny that way. Sure, sure, he understands the importance of the Pope doing papal things, he understands that Francis is far less of an asshole than some other popes who shall remain nameless (lookin' at you, Benny), and he gets that a lot of people do, in fact, give the asses of many rats about the Pope.

One of those people is devout Catholic alcoholic and Speaker of the House John Boehner. Here he is, crying like someone told him he's pregnant, just because he's close enough to sniff the Pope's skullcap:

Seriously, Boehner wept so often and so openly that even teething babies were telling him, "Dude, take it down a notch."

Which part of Francis's speech do you think had the greatest effect on Boehner? Was it the part where he said, "I call for a courageous and responsible effort to 'redirect our steps,' and to avert the most serious effects of the environmental deterioration caused by human activity. I am convinced that we can make a difference and I have no doubt that the United States – and this Congress – have an important role to play."

Maybe Boehner can reconcile that with his statement about climate change: "I'll let the scientists debate the sources in their opinion of that change. But I think the real question is that every proposal we see out of the administration with regard to climate change means killing American jobs." Wasn't there something about washing one's hands of something in that there New Testament?

Or maybe Boehner was moved to tears by Francis's words on immigrants and refugees: "[W]hen the stranger in our midst appeals to us, we must not repeat the sins and the errors of the past. We must resolve now to live as nobly and as justly as possible, as we educate new generations not to turn their back on our 'neighbors' and everything around us."

Perhaps Boehner was thinking just that when he said, through a spokesperson, nothing about the refugees and just that "the president has failed to put forward a broad, overarching strategy to defeat ISIL and promote stability in the Middle East. This tragedy is just one of the consequences." Yes, blaming Obama for everything while taking no action is the same as reaching out to help people.

Or was it the anti-death penalty part, which Francis was passionate about? Or wealth redistribution? Or anti-militarism? Some conservatives are upset that the Pope didn't really get into abortion or same sex marriage. Maybe Boehner was crying because, if you're a Catholic who has clung to the hateful language the church has put out for decades, Francis just fucked your shit up. And if anyone thinks that all of a sudden, Boehner is gonna tell his caucus to get to work on these problems, you're as delusional as a street prophet.

Every conservative Catholic Republican listening to the Pope today reminds the Rude Pundit of Chris Christie proclaiming his love for the music of Bruce Springsteen. Yeah, you can rock out to the guitars and sax, but if you don't listen to the words, your love and your tears are worthless.

Note: Speaking of collection plates, the Rude Pundit is still passing one around as part of his biennial fundraiser. Click on over and give to the Church of the Most Sacred Rudeness. It won't heal your soul, but you'll make sure the whiskey and invective keeps on rolling. And, as ever, mucho thankos to everyone who has donated so far.

Twelve Years of Caustic Insults and Rough Porn: The Rude Pundit's Biennial Fundraising-Gasm

We are counting down, together, holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes, until Tuesday's 12th anniversary of this blog that is really a daily descent into the dark crevasses of deranged mind. Or maybe it's just funny except when it isn't. Either way, no matter where you joined this journey, if you remember Karl Rove's sex slave and gay couple Ron and Dave or you just got on the path in the last year, we are having a time, right?

So, like you'd tip your tour guide or your concierge or maybe just your bartender, the Rude Pundit is asking, as he does every other year, for readers to reach into their piggy banks and give a little cash love through the PayPal link below or on the side. He's angling to buy a brand-new damn computer, a case or so of good bourbon, and a plane ticket to Los Angeles to take part in the Happy Hour podcast with Stephanie Miller.

Hey, if some bastard prankster can do a Kickstarter for potato salad and earn $55k, giving here is at least 90% less douchey than that.

Just two days left and you won't hear the Rude Pundit ask for a dime for another couple of years. The response has been over-fuckin'-whelming so far. You guys and gals are inspiring, truly. So if you wanna ask a question or two, email it on to "rudepundit(at)yahoo(dot)com."

Be like reader Mike, who asks, "Are you going to write another book?" The Rude Pundit is currently at work on a book and he's got a play or two he'd like to get produced (any theaters interested? Hit him up). But he's probably not gonna do a new edition of The Rude Pundit's Almanack this year because, frankly, most of what he wrote last time is still valid. Shit, he's even got profiles of Santorum, Huckabee, and Jeb! in there. Also, writing that one almost destroyed his liver and the mind of his assistant.