9/26/2016

In Brief: Time to Re-Re-Re-Re-Re-Meet Hillary Clinton

Think about this for a moment: This is one of the only chances since the Democratic convention that most TV news network viewers will get a chance to hear from Hillary Clinton. Now, I know, I know, you're gonna fuckin' say, "But, wait, there was that time I saw her," and then ask yourself if you'd even need to think for a goddamned second about the last time you saw Donald Trump mouth-shitting all over your nice big flat screen.

Just this month, we saw all three major cable news networks show a Trump town hall while putting a Clinton rally in a tiny box in the corner, which is totally not sexist at all. Back in June, the networks cut away from Trump to go to Clinton, which was so unexpected that it became a huge fuckin' deal. Last week, though, they switched from Clinton giving a speech on disability rights just after five minutes to, in what seemed like a collective sigh of relief, Trump saying the usual hateful stream of dumbconsciousness he usually spouts like a fountain of baby babble.

Otherwise, the only Clinton stories we get over the noise of Trump are the usual parade of whatever scandal-mongering can be squeezed out of the empty toothpaste tube of the emails and the Clinton Foundation, some meaningless fuckin' report on her health, maybe a look at who Bill Clinton put his penis in, and, of course, whether her body language, mouth position, or clothes indicate whether she's ready to be president. All covered in a secret sauce about her secrecy, topped with a Benghazi pickle.

So tonight, for 90 minutes, not only does Donald Trump have to directly confront the person he's been talking shit about for the last couple of years, but the nation gets to see Clinton as a human being and as a candidate who is actually, really running for president. Potentially.

Of course, the spin will be that, as long as Trump doesn't try to stick his stubby dick in her mouth, he wins. And if she says something cutting about him, she's a cruel harpy. And, god, why is she so boring by being smart?

But maybe, for a little while, the country can meet Hillary Clinton again. It's a fucking shame that we're so pathetically enamored of the smell of Trump's farts that this is where we are in this stupid election. Too many people don't know Clinton's positions on most things, and a few of them might actually give a shit about such things.

Don't worry, though, CNNMSNBCFox, you can go back to ignoring her for a couple of weeks after this.

(Note: I'll be live-tweeting this thing, and I'll be on Rabble, snarking live during the debate with the lovable Jeff Kreisler.)

9/23/2016

If I Could Talk to Ted Cruz Right Now, Here Are a Few Things I'd Tell Him

Upon hearing that Ted Cruz endorsed Donald Trump for president, a few thoughts went through my head. They were things I'd say directly to the sad senator, if I had the chance to say them to him.

1. Man, I hope that golden plate of shit you're eating sure tastes good.

2. Did Trump at least give you a reacharound while he was fucking you in the ass? What am I saying? Of course, he didn't give you a reacharound.

3. So I assume that your father did work with Lee Harvey Oswald.

4. And that you've decided that Heidi is kind of ugly.

5. What breed of servile puppy dog are you now?

6. They make spines cheap these days. They disappear just a little while after you start using them.

7. It's good to know that terrible people continue to be terrible, even when they've had a chance at redemption.

8. Holy crap, they must be laughing at you in Trump Tower tonight. Like, really deep, gasping guffaws.

9. I just want to know: did you give away a night with Heidi, too?

10. Mostly, though, the turds are sitting there on the shiny plate, just waiting to be devoured by a mouth too eager for approval.

11. Honestly, this act of pure cowardice couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

9/22/2016

Five Questions for Donald Trump Supporters That They Will Never Answer Because They're Terrible Human Beings

1. If Hillary Clinton refused to release her taxes because they are "under audit," would you be cool with that?

2. If the IRS said that taxpayers are free to release their tax returns while they are being audited and, besides, it's only the last few years that are being audited, yet Hillary Clinton still refused to release even those not under audit, would you be cool with that?

3. If Hillary Clinton had promised to release her taxes if she ran for president, but she won't, would you be cool with that?

4. If Hillary Clinton had promised to release her taxes if Barack Obama had released his long-form birth certificate, which he did, and she still won't, would you be cool with that?

5. If Chelsea Clinton said that her mother shouldn't release her taxes because they'd be a distraction because "We’ve seen how viral that craziness goes. We want to keep on point," would you be cool with that?

Now, you can be lying sacks of shit, as you usually are, Trump supporters, and say, "Well, it would be fine by me if Hillary Clinton didn't release them." But we know the truth: You'd lose your tiny fucking minds. You wouldn't let a second pass when you didn't scream about how she's hiding something and you'd just make shit up about her, about how she must be hiding payments to her lesbian coven of manicide or how they're on the ISIS payroll. You'd go berzerker about it, and every Fox "news" commenturbator would be ejaculating all over the joint about how unprecedented it is. Alex Jones would literally explode. The Nazi frogs on Twitter would vomit up their guts.

Most likely, though, you'd just answer, "Erg, blarg, 30,000 emails, Crooked Hillary," as if the only way the synapses in that tiny brain can fire is if you repeat a bullshit talking point. Except no one's asking for Trump's emails, so the analogy is another waste of time.

No one in the media should give Trump another fucking second until he gives up the tax forms: "Oh, you want us to cover another goddamned speech? Fuck you until we see how much of a con artist you are." But that's as much a fantasy as Donald Trump, philanthropist billionaire.

Now we can move on to how you'd feel if Hillary Clinton used her foundation's money to make donations in her name. And then how you'd feel if Hillary Clinton was making millions of dollars off campaigning for president. On and on into the void where your cold Trumpian hearts sit dead.

Very Late Post Today

Man, where did this day go?

Charlotte is a goddamned mess. Syria is fucked up. Twitter still fucking with me.

Back later (perhaps) with more unfuckable rudeness.

9/21/2016

Tulsa Is Very Good at Killing Black People



That's Angelo Estes, Jr. holding a sign that reads, "Don't shoot." His hands are up, as you can see. What you can't see is that the 8 year-old is sitting on his father's shoulders as his family protests the murder by police of another unarmed black man in Tulsa, Oklahoma. 

You might remember Tulsa as the city where, just last year, a black man, Eric Harris, was shot and killed by a police officer. When Harris said he couldn't breathe, instead of getting help, a cop said, "Fuck your breath." An extraordinary thing happened then: the cop who murdered Harris was sent to prison for manslaughter. 

You might remember Tulsa as the city where, in 1921, the white residents rioted and burned down Greenwood, the neighborhood where black Tulsans lived and had businesses. The cause was that a black man had touched a white woman and the whites weren't allowed to lynch the black man. 300 people were killed. An extraordinary thing happened then: no one was charged for rioting. No one went to jail for it. 

Tulsa, it seems, is very, very good at murdering black people.

Look, as always, most of us looking in from the outside are not cops. But let's say for the sake of argument that victim Terence Crutcher was doing everything that police officer Betty Shelby said he was doing. Let's say that he was standing in the middle of the road, acting oddly. Let's say he didn't listen to Shelby's commands, even as he stood with his hands up. Let's say he reached into the driver's side window (although Crutcher's family's attorney says blood on the window shows it was closed). Let's even say he was on PCP. 

So while, yeah, most of us will never face this situation, most of us haven't gone through training that is supposed to prepare us for it. See, this is where failures in training hit head-on into reality. Because even with all those circumstances, at no time was the Crutcher a threat to anyone other than Shelby, who was holding a gun on him. And even then he never did anything overtly threatening, by her own admission. She was scared, by her own admission. What she should have done is backed off and waited for back-up, which was arriving. What she should have done is not panicked, like so many other cops before her did in similar circumstances. But Shelby was supposedly a "drug recognition expert." So she should have known that reasoning with someone on PCP was not going to go smoothly. (Although the PCP allegation is unproven at this point.)

That's the most frustrating part of so many incidents of cops killing unarmed African Americans. The person simply wasn't a threat other than to the cops who were escalating the whole encounter into something deadly. It's the bloodstained version of cops getting a suspect to resist arrest just so they can trump up a charge. What happens if you don't point your gun at the obviously unarmed person who poses no danger? 

Young Angelo up there is learning an important lesson: that it continues to be a nation where putting your hands up doesn't guarantee that you won't be shot.  Hell, at this point, being a child carried by his father doesn't guarantee it.

9/20/2016

Political Correctness, Bull Murder, and Trump (Yes, There Is a Through-Line Here)

In Tordesillas, Spain, the provincial government ended a tradition that went back to medieval times. The real medieval times, not the fake thing with the turkey legs and people with mouths full of teeth jousting indoors. It was part of a festival where a full-grown bull would be chased by townspeople into a field where, with cheering crowds watching, horse riders would use spears to kill the bull. The slaughter would take a while, much to the delight of the onlookers. But this year, for the first time, the bull was chased and cornered but not slowly stabbed to death.

According to NPR, the locals were enraged by the government's action. Pro-bull-killing protesters marched through the streets, declaring that "Tordesillas isn't giving in." The mayor was livid, saying that the ban had taken away the townspeople's identity, that it "ripped out our spine" and "left us orphaned." The pro-stabbers said animal rights activists had wrecked their way of life. "This isn't about defending the life of one brave bull. It's about defending rural traditions," said a local woman, "It's the central part of our festival. It's our happiness. If you take that away, what do we have left?"

It is, they said, "political correctness" run amok.

Think about that. It's come to this: if you say that a town shouldn't torture an animal to death for your pleasure, you're just trying to destroy traditions and impose your repressive ideology on people who don't want to change. And if you're thinking, "Well, that's, for lack of a better word, bullshit. It's 2016. We only torture animals in large industrial buildings away from prying eyes. We're not barbarians," well, you're just a politically correct twat and a killjoy.

I bring this up because that phrase, "political correctness," is tossed around by the Trump campaign like it's a magic spell that, once recited, will allow you to say whatever assholish thing you want to say.

In just the last couple of days, we've heard it over and over.  Bugfuck mad Trump surrogate Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn asserted, talking about the bombings in New York and New Jersey, "Political correctness kills. It will cause death, and we can’t have that." Exactly how political correctness does this is a bit fuzzy because Trump lies about the limitations on the police.

But Trump does want the police to profile people and treat them accordingly. Of course, Trump tells us, the problem is "We're trying to be so politically correct in our country, and this is only going to get worse." Butt-boy Mike Pence agreed, as a butt-boy will do, saying, "I can tell you that this season of political correctness, we both believe, is interrupting the ability of law enforcement officers to really identify people."

In other words, "political correctness" is now shorthand for the rule of law, for civil rights, for the guarantees of fair treatment in the fucking Constitution. You can throw that into the catch-all bucket for the phrase, along with not being able to say "nigger" or "fag" with abandon, treating immigrants like human beings, and sexing up the lady employees being a no-no.

Fucking hell, times change. Civilizations advance. What you once thought was fine is now fucked up. That's the way it goes. The march of progress, as we once liked to call it. You don't fucking spear the bull anymore because we know that's fucked up. And if you don't think it's fucked up, you're fucked up. And we get to say that because we're the ones who want the world to move forward. You're the ones who want to hold it back or send it back to a mythical time of greatness.

You just came up with a fancy way to make being a dick sound like a you're taking a mighty stand when, really, you're just a dick. It's so convenient and so useful.

At this point, Trump could fuck the corpse of that drowned Syrian toddler at a rally, and, when people responded with revulsion and anger, his idiot hordes would say that it's just political correctness, not that baby corpse fucking is, in and of itself, wrong.

9/19/2016

Donald Trump Was Never as Hard as He Was This Last Two Days

As soon as he heard about the bomb going off in the Chelsea neighborhood of Manhattan on Saturday night, Republican presidential candidate and stack of pumpkins in a suit Donald Trump got an erection. He could feel his dick stand at attention as he prepared to go out to speak to a crowd in Colorado Springs, Colorado (motto: "Where Christianity goes to wallow in a hypocritical soup"). He desperately wanted to jack off right then and there, but he knew he had to wait. He confirmed this with campaign manager Kellyanne Conway when he went up to her and said, "Check out my crotch." Conway couldn't see anything. "No, really, you can't see that?" Trump asked.

"What are you talking about?" Conway said.

"My dick. Jesus, I've got such a hard-on it's bursting through my pants," Trump explained, gripping at the sagging cloth below his stomach.

Conway realized that she had to make sure Trump didn't lose energy for the speech. "Oh," she said. "Oh, yes, I see it now. It's huge. Hugest penis I've ever seen."

"Yeah, you know it," Trump smirked. "I should jack it. You wanna watch me jack it? Melania won't mind. She knows that's not cheating."

Conway was familiar with the terrain by now. "You know what? Why don't you save it? You might have a better orgasm if you wait and see what happens."

Trump thought for a moment, touching himself a little, and then nodded, saying, "Yeah, yeah. That's good. I'll wait. You're the best, Ann" before heading back into his dressing room to punch Chris Christie's belly for a bit to warm up for his speech.

"I'm not Ann Coul--" Conway tried to say before Trump disappeared.

And so it went the for the next day and a half, with Trump checking with Conway, after putting out statements and giving interviews, Conway telling Trump to hold it, hoping that he'd forget about it or just jack off already. But, no, she had put an idea in his head and he wasn't gonna let it go.

Finally, after appearing on Fox and Friends this morning, where he took a victory lap for having "called it" on the bombing being linked in some way to someone or something Muslim or terrorism or whatever, Trump dialed up Conway and said, "I swear to God, I'm gonna blow a load through my pants if I can't jack off. I must be up to a full three inches which, many people tell me, is as big as a dick can get before it just gets too painful. And believe me, believe me, Ann, I am gonna hurt someone with this thing. This bombing is the best thing to happen to my cock since 9/11 made me a mint."

Not being able to take it anymore, hoping that she might get paid this week, Conway said, "You know what, Donald? It's time. Today in Florida, go for it."

"Your lips to God's ear," Trump said, his voice practically lilting in anticipation.

So, today, in Estero, Florida, Trump started in on Hillary Clinton's reaction to the bombings in New York and New Jersey, mocking her for mocking him. Then he moved on to the just-captured Ahmad Rahami, injured in a shootout with police. Pulling out his prick, he started yanking it, slamming it against the podium, telling the crowd, sneeringly, "But the bad part now. We will give him amazing hospitalization. He will be taken care of by some of the best doctors in the world. He will be given a fully modern and updated hospital room. And he'll probably even have room service, knowing the way our country is," as if only fancy hospitals delivered meals to patients. The crowd roared, urging him to jack it harder.

Masturbating so forcefully, so frantically that some in the audience thought he might hurt himself, Trump went on to attack the justice system of the United States: "He will be represented by an outstanding lawyer. His case will go through the various court systems for years, and, in the end, people will forget and his punishment will not be what it once would have been. What a sad situation."

At last, as his idiot hordes yelled, "Hang him," and he demanded that Rahami be treated as an enemy combatant and that Clinton was just too weak to save the nation from his imagined horrors and the idiot hordes chanted, "Lock her up!" Donald Trump came with a roaring moan and a small blow out from his balls that dangled from the tip of his dick for a moment before dropping to floor in front of him. The idiot hordes surged forward, fighting each other to get their tongues on a bit of his divine seed.

Later, sweaty, satisfied, Trump walked up to Conway on the jet and said, "You were right...Kellyanne!" He winked, and Conway knew all was right with the world. "Wish there could be a bombing every week until the election, maybe with some deaths next time," Trump called back to her. "I don't know if my dick could take it, but it's be fun to find out."

Late Post Today

I'm coming up with a list of terrible events I've "nailed."

Back later with more self-aggrandizing rudeness.

9/16/2016

The Post-Factual Election: Trump, Lies, and More Lies

"There's something you don't fucking understand," my friend from western Virginia told me. Cal and I had been catching up. When he told me that he was thinking of taking a job back up north "just to escape all these Trump fuckers down here," we couldn't avoid discussing this goddamned election. "You keep thinking that if you can show that Trump is lying, that they'll abandon him. That's not gonna happen. They don't give a fuck if Trump's lying or not. They just don't care. In fact, they'll believe Trump and say that CNN is lying because it's just the liberal media. Trump voters don't give a shit about truth. They don't give a shit about facts. All they care about is that they hate Obama, they hate Hillary, and they want to elect someone who isn't either of them." That made sense: these are people who value faith above reason.

We talked before Trump held his fake-out press thing where he used campaign funds to advertise his newest hotel in Washington, D.C., got some old white racist soldiers to tell everyone how amazing he is, and said, briefly, that Hillary Clinton started the questioning of President Obama's place of birth during the 2008 election campaign, that he "finished it" when President Obama's birth certificate was released, and that President Obama was born in the United States. The reaction of reporters and correspondents across the board was one of a concerted "What the fuck was that?" On CNN, a stunned John King and Jake Tapper responded like they had been grundle-punched from behind, flatly declaring that Trump was lying. Tapper, in particular, said that he had covered the Clinton campaign in 2008 and knew for a fact that Trump was wrong about Clinton.

That's where we are in this goddamned election. We live in a post-factual time. Trump lies with such regularity, with such alacrity, and the lies are covered like they aren't lies that obviously frustrated on-the-ground reporters have to state that they know that Trump isn't talking about real events. For example, Trump went on Fox and Harassment yesterday morning to tell the knobgobbling trolls on there that when Rev. Faith Green Timmons interrupted him when he was speaking at her church in Flint, Michigan, people in the audience were calling out, "Let him speak." An NPR reporter who was in the room in Flint said, on the air, "That isn't true. In fact, several audience members began to heckle Trump, asking pointed questions about whether he racially discriminated against black tenants as a landlord."

But, again, remember: it doesn't matter to anyone but you and me that Trump is a lying piece of shit-covered garbage. His voters have been told for decades that the mainstream media is in the bag for Democrats (which means "blacks, immigrants, queers, feminists, etc."). That great, huge lie has colored political coverage since the Reagan era, and it really blew up during the administration of the first George Bush, when defunding PBS and NPR was on the table because of perceived bias. For its part, many media corporations bought into the lie. Imagine that. Imagine believing the worst things terrible people say about you and changing yourself accordingly, even if you know those things are false. And still, it wasn't enough. So we got the rise of right-wing talk radio and then Fox "news," constantly undermining reality and mainstreaming ideas that would have once been considered too obscenely inhuman and hateful to be allowed into the public discourse. And that includes the treatment of the Clintons as America's Most Wanted instead of as a couple of public servants who stumbled a few times, like everyone fucking does.

Right now, Trump is the pinnacle of that willful ignorance masking a white supremacist, ultra-capitalistic agenda. But take a warning from someone who has watched this since the 1980s: it can always get worse. We thought Reagan was as bad and stupid as a president could get. Then we got Bush, Jr. And we thought that that was the lowest we could go. And now Trump is polling even with Clinton. But if Trump loses, the lesson will not be that a shitheel billionaire slumming it with the proles was a fucking racist asshole whose politics should be tossed in the slime pit from which they were belched. No, it will get worse. The next faux populist maybe won't have Trump's baggage.

"What fucking billionaire runs for president?" I asked Cal. "Ross Perot, but he was bugfuck insane. Bloomberg floated the idea but backed off." We agreed that real billionaires were probably powerful enough and that they wouldn't worry about doing things for the peon regular people. But Trump obviously had nothing better to do and was just looking for a new amusement, another game he could try to win.

We talked some more, each thinking about our exit strategy from the United States should Trump be elected. I'm leaning towards Ireland, but I'm good with Canada. He's thinking South America. "Paraguay? Or Ecuador?" Cal said. I responded that countries like those might elect their own Trump. These are fantasy, bullshit discussions. Few of us could afford to just uproot and head across borders and oceans to begin again.

All we can really do is hope that there are enough people who believe that reality is real, that truth exists, and that facts trump lies.