What Did That Dumb Orange Motherfucker Say to That Dumb British Motherbuggerer?

President Donald Trump being interviewed by Piers Morgan is like watching Komodo dragons fucking, all squawks and scratching and poisoned drool, the scaly flesh-slapping sounds as the corpse-devouring creatures fling their savage tails and flick their forked tongues, not so much a sex act as a grim reminder that sometimes fucking looks like slow murder.

It's not like Morgan was going to actually challenge Trump on anything, having been a Celebrity Apprentice winner, an honor that's up there with "Only the Third Worst Asshole I've Ever Met." If that had been the case, Trump wouldn't have dared done the ITV interview. And while Morgan rarely descended to Hannity-like levels of sycophantic analingus, he certainly didn't hesitate to plunge his face up against Trump's taint and nuzzle. (Example: "I like your tweets. I like the kind of unfettered access to the President’s mind in real time." Mmmm, yummy taint sweat.) That said, of course, Morgan could speak in complete sentences, with logical progression and decent syntax, unlike his guest, who, we should be reminded, is the goddamn president of the United States.

Of course, the whole interview started with Trump saying the same shit about his electoral college victory, which was like 15 months ago. And then he bragged about the stock market: "We’re doing incredibly on an economic basis. Financial – stock market just hit another new high. We’ve had 84 – since the election – 84 new market highs. Think of that. It’s incredible. It’s never happened before. It’s a record. That in itself is a record."

Trump is so ready to take credit for shit that was already going on when it comes to the economy. If he were on a relay team and the other three runners built up a huge lead before handing off to Trump, he's the kind of dickhole who would claim the victory is just because of him. You were fuckin' lucky you had a head start, you lumpy bitch. The stock market is hitting records because the Obama recovery nearly tripled the value of the Dow Jones. Unemployment is low because it dropped tremendously under Obama. Just because you tossed some parsley on the plate doesn't mean you cooked the dish.

But that would require perspective and reflection and not dullard ego-yelps, which is all that Trump traffics in. Asked about the Women's March, Trump proclaims, "You know, I won many categories of women and the women vote in the election, and people were shocked to see it. I was running against a woman and I’m winning all of these categories." Well, one category: White women.

When Morgan asked Trump about his British heritage (Trump's mother was born in Scotland - yeah, she was an immigrant), of course, Trump turned it into a fucking commercial for his golf courses: "I own the great Turnberry and other things in your country – Turnberry in Scotland...I also have a great situation over in Ireland in Doonbeg over there. And of course Turnberry… that’s the Mona Lisa, one of the great Mona Lisas of the world in terms of sport and golf, and I own Turnberry." Yes, he called his fucking golf course a "Mona Lisa."

But what does Trump think of his mother? "I love the UK. I have a special – maybe because it’s my mother, who I thought was one of the great people I’ve ever known." Trump has called Rupert Murdoch, Michael Flynn, David Perdue, Steve Ross, and others "one of the great people" he's known, so it's really good company there.

The one moment when Morgan actually seemed to catch Trump off-guard was regarding the racist Britain First videos that Trump retweeted. Confronted on it, Trump sounded like every tween caught with porn: "But this was...I didn’t do it, I didn’t go out and...I did a retweet. It was a big story where you are, but it was not a big story where I am." This led to his well-quoted non-apology: "Here’s what’s fair. If you’re telling me these are horrible people, horrible racist people, I would certainly apologize if you’d like me to do that. I know nothing about them." Trump wants you to know that he's too fucking stupid to understand what's going on, but, hey, if you're telling him something, then you are definitely telling him something: "I don’t want to be involved with people, but you’re telling me about these people, because I know nothing about these people."

The rest was the classic Trump we've all come to know and hate. There was the embarrassing shit, like when Morgan asked him about his relationship with French President Emmanuel Macron: "I like him. He’s a friend of mine. Em-man-u-el! He’s a great guy, his wife is fantastic. I like him a lot. You know, we had dinner at the top of the Eiffel Tower."

There was the inability to get beyond a repeated talking point, as on the issue of guns: "I’m a very big Second Amendment person...I’m a Second Amendment person. I think you need it for security. I think it would be far worse. I think you need it for security...I believe in the Second Amendment."

And, obviously, there was the blindingly ignorant shit, all tossed with outright lies, as when he said about the fucked climate, "There is a cooling and there is a heating and I mean, look – it used to not be climate change. It used to be global warming. Right?...That wasn’t working too well, because it was getting too cold all over the place. The ice caps were going to melt, they were going to be gone by now, but now they’re setting records." Others can tell you how desperately wrong Trump was. But it bears saying again: It's called "global" warming for a fucking reason. That's because it means the whole globe, not wherever Donald fuckin' Trump squats his bulbous ass. And the whole globe is warming.

The worst part of this flaming shit fire of the vanities was Trump's reaction to being pressed about the amount of gun violence in the United States. Morgan pointed out that the U.K. had only 32 gun deaths last year. Trump replied, "You have a lot of terrorism." Not only was it totally dickish defensiveness, but the United States has a lot of goddamn terrorism. The thing is that it's white supremacists and Christian nutzoids doing it. And for Donald Trump, that's not really terrorism.

And this wasn't an interview. It was an infomercial.