Today, Republican candidate and psychedelic chia pet Donald Trump proclaimed that he would bring back waterboarding to use on suspected terrorists. "I like it a lot," he said, which is exactly as presidential as you'd expect him to be. He added, "I don't think it's tough enough," and implied that perhaps we'd need to be as vicious as ISIS is.
Luckily, Trump has his name on an array of products he can use that would make any terrorist or wannabe terrorist or terrorist adjacent people confess to everything from bombing plots to thinking about Trump while fucking their wives, anything, please, to make it stop.
1. Force them to be coated head to toe in Trump Success fragrance, described as douchily as possible as a stink that "captures the spirit of the driven man." Well, fuck, capture is what we all want, right? "The scent is an inspiring blend of fresh juniper and iced red currant, brushed with hints of coriander," and terrorists must be afraid of iced red currant because who the fuck knows what that is. "As it evolves, the mix of frozen ginger, fresh bamboo leaves and geranium emerge taking center stage, while a masculine combination of rich vetiver, tonka bean, birchwood and musk create a powerful presence throughout wear," we're told. And that level of bullshit would suffocate anyone.
2. Attach Donald Trump Men's Clear Stone Tie Clips to their testicles. It's the classy way to say, "Hey, haji, we're gonna be at this for a long, long time until you tell me why you were shepherding goats in a field near a place we don't like."
3. Make them eat Trump steaks and drink Trump vodka. The sheer amount of diarrhea will be enough to weaken them to the point of confession.
4. Loudly play them the audio of books "written" by Trump, like The Art of the Deal or the threatening-sounding Crippled America. You should probably tie their hands down because they will be tempted to tear off their ears.
5. Be sure to question them under the hot bulb of a Trump lamp, like this one: "the simple lines of this cylindrical lamp are accentuated and enriched by the mother of Pearl cladding. The simple geometry of the herringbone pattern adds to the understated elegance of this classically coastal piece. The shade is sand with a white liner." In fact, read them that description and let them ponder, "Cladding? The fuck?"
6. Force them to live in a country led by Donald Trump.
Yes, yes, yes, under a President Trump, the enemy will know the sweet kiss of pain and death, with just a hint of luxury and classy classiness.