Republican Exhibitionists Are Ready to Open Their Trench Coats

The second that Ted Cruz walked out on a stage at Liberty University, dropped his pants, stretched out his dick to a mighty two inches, and jacked off furiously, yelping, "Teddy's running! Who wants to pet Little Teddy?" the other future losers for the Republican nomination for president thought, "I need to get some of that action." So in quick succession, just this week, we've had a parade of compulsive masturbators, none of whom will get close to the nomination, who only have gotten into the game to show their junk off to a bigger audience than the yokels and inbreds who make up the base of the Republican Party.

Former neurosurgeon Ben Carson, who has never been elected to any public office, who is the new favorite of people on the right who can point at him and say, "Look, a black guy. See?" was in front of an audience at the Music Hall Center for the Performing Arts in Detroit, meandering the stage with his head mike, like Tony Robbins on quaaludes. His fly was open, and his cock was hanging out. He pretended not to notice until he looked down, said, "You see what I see?" winked at the audience, and started yanking on it and gripping it like he was using his dick to rappel down a sheer rock face. He announced his doomed run for the White House while standing straight, penis erect, and blathering nonsense like "I am not a politician. I don't want to be a politician" and, talking about anti-poverty programs, "We are not doing people a favor when we pat them on the head and say, 'You poor little thing, we are going to take care of all your needs. You don't have to worry about anything.' You know who else says stuff like that? Socialists." He didn't jizz, but he sure was looking forward to the next event where he could do the same "Oops, That's My Dick" act. Of course, there are already articles about how Carson could win, which he can't.

Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina, who has never been elected to any public office, who is the new favorite of people on the right who can point at her and say, "Look, a woman. See?" was on Good Morning America when she announced she was starting her campaign to lose the nomination. Clearly this meant she had to attack the other female candidate by putting everything bad about Hillary Clinton into a single, breathless sentence: ""She peddled a fiction about [Benghazi] for a month, she hasn't been transparent about her server and her emails, and now we see now all of these foreign government donations to the Clinton Global Initiative." Then she said to George Stephanopoulos's Hair, "And, you know, I'm not wearing any underwear. If you want to see more about that, visit my website." And there, on her campaign page, is a video of Fiorina in a chair, skirt hiked up, vagina on display as she delicately rubs her clit and says things like "America's founders never intended for us to have a professional political class," ignoring the fact that most of the founders were part of a professional political class. Then she shows a glass dildo filled with the tears of HP workers Fiorina laid off and promises to use it if she gets enough campaign donations. Of course, there are already articles about how Fiorina could win, which she can't.

Former governor Mike Huckabee is a man who hasn't put his pants back on since he left the Arkansas governor's mansion in 2007. He is so used to people staring at his naked groin that masturbating in public is just another way to say, "Hello." He stood on a stage in Hope, Arkansas, today to say that, yes, once again, he is running to fail at his ambition of being president but to succeed in continuing to do just what he's been doing for years: choking that little chicken to whoever will watch. Huckabee has done it so many times that he's worn a groove in his right hand, and it takes him days to finally come. But he knows who's watching him closely. "The Supreme Court is not the Supreme Being," he said, slapping his calloused, tiny cock against the lectern, "Check it out. Check out my peter, everyone. You can never get enough of my grits and gravy." Of course, there are already articles about how Huckabee could win, which he can't.

While Cruz and Rand Paul run around and show everyone who'll look their balls and assholes, Jeb Bush and Scott Walker are determined to keep their belts tight and pricks covered. Marco Rubio has been tempted, but he hasn't felt the full urge yet, that moment when you realize you have no chance to win so you may as well just enjoy the thrill of everyone applauding your merry genitalia display.