Other Things Jade Helm Could Be

1. Porn store specializing in the sex toys of the Far East, like the Dragon's Tail vibrator and marble ben-wah balls with bells in them, perfect for conservatives to go fuck themselves with.

2. A jaunty, green pith helmet so you can play soldier or explorer on weekends.

3. A Chinese restaurant that is decorated like a temple in the mountains of Shaanxi Province that offers Americanized versions of Asian food. It is located in Beaumont.

4. A steering wheel made of pure jade that can only steer ships from the Song Dynasty.

5. Marvel's latest attempt at a female superhero. Her superpower? An ability to guide people anywhere using her tits as a GPS. Marvel will say how feminist this is.

6. Or superspy Matt Helm's illegitimate daughter whose mother was played by Stella Stevens. (That's a joke for the oldsters.)

7. A perfectly legitimate military exercise by U.S. Special Operations Forces.

One thing it sure as shit ain't is a plot to take over Texas. Really, get the fuck over yourselves.

Actually, at this point, a whole bunch of people need to get the fuck over their idiot conspiracy theories, since a Rasmussen poll said that "45% of voters are concerned that the government will use U.S. military training operations to impose greater control over some states."

And we wonder why we can't get voters to take things like infrastructure and income equality seriously when they believe utter and complete bullshit about the government. Thank goodness we make sure all the stupid people have guns.