Family Research Council: Pray That God Stops States from Decriminalizing Marijuana

Being that Easter lands on 4/20 this year, it seems like a good excuse to talk about the marijuana. Apparently, it's being decriminalized and legalized all over the place, for medicinal, recreational, and sexual usage, and that's bad because it "only benefits drug peddlers." At least, that's what we're being told by the nutzoid evangelicals over at the Family Research Council (motto: "The only joint we smoke is made of Christ's flesh"). And we gotta pray on this shit because now Maryland, with its Democratic governor being all Democratic and shit, just decriminalized possession of a tiny amount of the demon ganja.

The call has gone out to the email inboxes of glory, and it's time for the Super-Duper Prayer Team to leap to its knees and into action. The Rude Pundit joined the FRC's SDPT a long damn time ago under a nom de rude so he could get the inside scoop on what all he needs to offer up the clasped-hand pray jobs to Jesus. Every week, he gets his directive to implore the Good, Loving Lord Who Is Filled with Wrath and Anger to fuck some shit up for various reasons, usually gays, abortions, or abortions by gays.

But this week, it's about legalization of pot, which is just spreading like a weed across the nation (get it? Stoner humor). Oh, sweet SDPT members, we gotta pray, "May state policies which encourage marijuana use, which serve as a gateway to more harmful drugs and addiction, and that benefit only drug peddlers, be reversed! May those in authority, especially parents, set an example and train our youth to reject mind altering drugs that are dangerous to everyone!" Colorado might argue that the sale of pot doesn't only help "drug peddlers," considering it's gonna benefit schools, especially.

Oh, and, hey, isn't marijuana a plant, created by God? Were we only supposed to admire its leaves? Make rope and itchy clothes with it? Perhaps a handy tote? Well, then, why did God make it so awesome to smoke? Why did God give it medicinal properties that help the sick and dying? That stop children from having seizures? Are we now questioning the ways of the Lord?

The Rude Pundit doesn't understand, and for SDPT members who need some guidance, the Prayer Target letter provides helpful verses straight from the Holy Bible itself. Like Luke 12:35-40, which says that servants need to be ready whenever their master needs them: "It will be good for those servants whose master finds them ready, even if he comes in the middle of the night or toward daybreak." Were the servants getting baked? And what about the masters? Is it cool for them to toke? That one doesn't help.

What about another suggested reading, 1 Corinthians 6:12-20? Let's see here..."The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body." The hell? Does God want to fuck us? He'd at least need to buy the Rude Pundit dinner. Let's continue...something, something "prostitute." Aaand...oh, here: "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body." So is this saying that if we get stoned, we'll end up fucking whores? Seems a roundabout way to imply something about marijuana. In fact, it quite specifically says that, if it's not the boning, we're good.

Okay, just one more: Ephesians 5:18. Maybe this will be more on the money: "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit..." Well, there you go. The Bible says not to get drunk on wine, so you should avoid pot? Huh. That doesn't seem like a direct one-to-one relation there. And, mostly, the Bible has a problem with getting drunk, so is it okay to smoke a little weed, but not get too stupid?

This is all very confusing. The Rude Pundit needs to light up, clear his head, and pray in his own, special way.