CPAC: Because What Else Do These People Have to Do?

CPAC: Because What Else Do These People Have to Do?:
Oh, what a covey of cunts and cocksuckers is congregating at the Conservative Political Action Conference right now, as we speak. Yesterday was a banner day for the gathered true believers, where they got to hear everything from completely shit-eating, barking mad conservatism to self-fellating conservatism begging for love. But between Ted Cruz and Chris Christie, there was an awesome amount of fuckery. Let's just go through a highlight or two:

1. Ted Cruz's speech was a golden shower of shit-what-teabaggers-love. Things you could learn:
-- The greatest threat to free speech anywhere is the IRS taking extra time to make sure your blatantly political organization isn't violating the barely existing laws giving you tax exempt status.

-- You can tell something sucks balls just by its name. Cruz said, "We need to repeal Dodd-Frank. Talk about a bill that you don’t have to read any further than the title to know nothing good can come of this." Is that a slam on Christopher Dodd? Or does "The Dodd–Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act" sound a great deal more evil to conservatives than to everyone else? Or maybe it's about the depth of understanding that the Tea Party has about any piece of mild regulation?

-- You do not deserve health insurance, and if you have it, you should be subject to limits and pre-existing condition rules. And fuck your older kids. What else could Cruz mean when he said, "We need to repeal every single word of Obamacare"?

2. Getting beyond his citing a story that another Republican stole from a book, what the fuck is up with Paul Ryan's bizarre belief that only bad parents allow their kids eat free school lunches? In his speech, Ryan informed us that "the Left" (which seems to include a whole fuck of a lot of people not actually on the left) is "offering people...a full stomach—and an empty soul. The American people want more than that." Then he told his fake brown bag lunch story followed by "people don’t just want a life of comfort; they want a life of dignity—of self-determination. A life of equal outcomes is not nearly as enriching as a life of equal opportunity." Now, a normal person might think, "But isn't it a lot easier to self-determine when your kids aren't starving?"

There's that old saw the Rude Pundit despises: "If you give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, he can eat for a lifetime" or some such shit. As he's said before, that's great, but you better give that man a fishing rod, some tackle, fishing line, maybe a net, maybe some bait. Maybe you could stop poisoning the water where he needs to fish. If you're not prepared to do all that, then why not give him a fish? Because eating that fish hurts his soul?

Mostly, though, just fuck that Paul Ryan guy.

3. Does Chris Christie ever give a speech where the subject isn't how fucking awesome Chris Christie is? He started his pander by talking about how he stood in front of a firefighters' convention in New Jersey and told them how he was going to fix the pension system. Oh, they hated him at first, but by the time he finished? "I walked off the stage and two-thirds of the audience was cheering." That is some need shit right there. Dude, seriously, stop blowing yourself in public. It's just embarrassing.

You know what else is embarrassing? When you're a politician who has a camera crew follow you around just in case you do something YouTube worthy and then you have the balls to say, "The most dangerous ten feet in Washington, D.C., is between anybody who wants to talk about something and a camera"?

Of course he got a standing ovation. Because what the hell else are the gathered snarling jackals, opportunists, hucksters, losers, and liars going to do? Think about what's real?

Not when you've got sessions like "Can America Survive Obama's War on Fossil Fuel?" to attend, not to mention a closing speech by comedian Sarah Palin.