What Obama Should Say, 2012 (Rude Version):
If at tonight's presidential debate in Denver, when moderator Jim Lehrer asks Mitt Romney how the Massachusetts health care law is different from the Affordable Care Act and Romney responds that states should be free to do what they want, yadda, yadda, yadda, if President Obama doesn't respond, "So lemme get this straight, Governor: you think that it's just fine to force the people of the state you led for four years to have health insurance or make them pay a penalty, but fuck every other person in every other state in the country? Hell, if Karl Rove force-fisted ad agency whores to put out commercials for our side, you'd see millions of dollars worth of bullshit out there saying that 'Mitt Romney only wants northeastern liberals to be able to afford cancer treatment' or some such shit.
"I want to say this to you, Jim and to all Americans: Mitt Romney is the biggest pussy in the world. He is a pussy of such incredible proportions that it'd take a dildo the size of the Hancock Tower to fuck him. Look at what this craven, greedy motherfucker says about health care: he's proud of it, but other it's mighty fine if other states just let people die or go to emergency rooms because otherwise we may as well all be fucking our own asses with Karl Marx's femur. What about that is in any way presidential? You can't even say, 'Hey, I've got this great idea to get people health insurance.' Fuck, that's gotta sting. I don't know shit about Mormons, but the number of lies you've had to tell to get this far in your crazy-ass party has gotta be gettin' your soul all prepped for some fiery doom, man. Or maybe you just give more cash to get out of it.
"Governor, you won the primaries for two reasons: Because you have more money than the rest of your opponents combined and because you are the bottom bitch of the GOP. And you are damn happy being the bottom bitch. I can hear you saying, 'What's that? Sheldon Adelson wants to jizz on my face and call it kosher? Sure, Shel, and I'll call your ass "The Wailing Wall" and press my face against it and pray. What's that? A crazed evangelical is angry that I gave a job to a gay guy? Then I'll fire that gay dude and call Bryan Fischer "Sir" while he paddles my balls with his bible.' Goddamn, you mustn't be hungry after all the right-wing chowder you've gobbled.
"Even worse, though, is when you talk about the things you supposedly believe in, like whenever anyone asks you about what tax loopholes you'll close. Answer the question, motherfucker. You brought up the loophole-filling hoodoo voodoo, so what's the program, Guvs? You can't answer it because you know you'll have to say something that'll make all those toothless racists think, 'Whoa, whoa, you're taking away my mortgage deduction?' Don't worry, though. Your base would rather go bankrupt than vote for the black man. But, really, it's a problem when I give a speech that says racist shit goes on.
"How do you look in the mirror and not just want to punch yourself for being such a dick? You've run for president ever since you bitched out on going for reelection in Massachusetts, but your campaign keeps saying that they're introducing you to Americans. Dude, we've met you. We've met people like you our entire lives. You're the entitled cocksuckers who decided that they are going to make more money no matter how many people get crushed along the way. And if someone happens to get helped, well, that's just a collateral, not intended, benefit. You can say what you said about half the country because that was you actually being generous about the amount of people you do give a fuck about. We know who you are. We don't like you.
"Lemme tell you what I've faced, motherfucker. I've faced people asking me to prove I was born in America. I've faced Republican cunts just throwing themselves in the way to block every road I've tried to build, including ones they helped construct. And, still, I lowered taxes, got a health care law passed, got rid of Don't Ask Don't Tell, and got more regulation for equal pay for women. What do you have to offer besides the dried skidmarks you are picking off George W. Bush's briefs?
"But, please, Governor Romney, hit me with a zinger.
"Oh, and by the way, I fucked Paul Ryan's white ass with a rolled up copy of his budget in front of his friends" then the debate will be worthless.