Clap If You Want the 2012 Edition of The Rude Pundit's Almanack to Live:
Today, the knuckle-dragging goons at OR Books gave the Rude Pundit the final warning. In a "meeting" in a filthy alley off West 36th Street, his editor held up the one copy of the brand new edition of The Rude Pundit's Almanack and said, "Not enough sales, bitch." A bulky, no-neck assistant stood nearby with a baseball bat. A can of gasoline was uncomfortably close to us. The stench of garbage was almost as bad as the smell of hobo piss.
"What do you want from me?" the Rude Pundit said. "I told people about it. The ad's been on the blog. I'm not gonna blow everyone to make 'em buy it."
The assistant shoved the business end of the Louisville Slugger into the Rude Pundit's gut. "Watch your smart mouth, smart guy."
The editor tossed the manuscript onto the ground. He poured the gasoline over it and took out a lighter. "I guess you won't need this anymore," he said.
"Stop!" the Rude Pundit shouted. "Alright, you cockmonger. Gimme till next Tuesday. Jesus rose again in that time. Moses crossed the motherfuckin' desert. Surely we can move a hundred or so copies of the book in a single weekend."
The editor looked at the assistant and nodded. The big bastard picked up the book and looked over at the Rude Pundit. "Publishing," he said, "ain't a game for pussies."
"You got four days," the editor said. "Four days. And after that, you writer piece of shit, we'll either get moving on publishing the new edition or we'll burn it and return everyone's money, no questions asked."
Through clenched teeth, the Rude Pundit said, "You're on."
So it all comes down to this: Pre-order The Rude Pundit's Almanack as an ebook for ten bucks or a paperback for $17. The new edition has new shit and it's updated and stuff. You know, like new editions of books usually do. (Including the much-needed epic poem, in limericks, about the rise and fall of Herman Cain and "Ten Dances You Can Do on the Grave of Newt Gingrich's Career")
If we sell enough, they'll publish. But the deadline is Tuesday for sales. Otherwise the sons of bitches at OR Books burn it (and give you your money back).
So stop worshiping Jesus or sucking on Elijah's bone or whatever you're doing this weekend for five minutes and order.
(And thanks to everyone who's ordered so far.)
Oh, and here's the Rude Pundit on Monday's Stephanie Miller Show (aka Talking Liberally on Current TV).