Random Observations on Yesterday's Vaguely Meaningful Voting Activities in Pennsylvania:
1. Who gives a shit about Rand Paul? He's pretty much the acme of Tea Party candidates, a legacy name with a handsome face who knows all the words to the songs. And, while only 37% of Kentucky's 2.8 million registered voters are Republican, which means there's roughly a million of 'em, the supposed gleeful excitement and genital-throbbing thrill of the Rand Paul candidacy garnered about 206,000 votes. That's 20% of Republican voters in Kentucky. 57% of the state's registered voters are Democratic. The top two Democrats in the primary got more votes than the alleged Randmania express. So, basically, go teabag yourselves, Paulturbators.
2. However, the Republican Party is now owned by the Tea Party so, hey, enjoy the smell of Sarah Palin's ass. The base has been stolen by the wackanoids, and Mitch McConnell's enormous philtrum must be quivering and sweat-covered about now. The old guard GOP has a choice: double-down on Jim DeMint-like crazy or try to crawl its way back to relevance. The latter takes guts. So you know which way things are about to go in the Congress until November. Bring out the tranq guns, 'cause it's gonna be a long summer.
3. By the way, Rand Paul is kind of an idiotic dickhead. His acceptance speech was a mishmash of Tea Party greatest hits, an incoherent ramble that made no sense in the context it was given. Oh, sure, the usual "We have come to take our government back" nonsense was par for the course. But this part was ten kinds of nuts:
"We now have a president, though, who apologizes for America's greatness. We have a president who went to Copenhagen and appeared with Robert Mugabe, Hugo Chavez and others, Evo Morales to apologize for the industrial revolution. They say, these dictators, these petty dictators say that to stop climate change, it's about ending capitalism. They are explicit. And the president by attending Copenhagen gives credibility and credence to these folks, and he should not go. America is a great country." Mugabe? Copenhagen? What the fuck? Dude, that must have been some awesome coke you did backstage.
4. Other than Arlen Specter, is anyone even vaguely upset that Arlen Specter lost? Fuck, the President pretty much shivved him at the end there, when Specter was begging Obama to come in and hold a rally. Obama had promised Specter all the help in the world in exchange for the party switch, but when the end was nigh, Obama told him to shove a magic bullet up his Bush-loving ass. The lesson here? When Barack Obama is done with you, he's fucking done. Pick up your shit and get the fuck out. Besides, Joe Sestak appears to actually have...wait, what's the word?...oh, yeah, principles. Funny things, those.
5. Why aren't we talking more about Democrat Mark Critz's victory for Rep. Jack Murtha's old seat? Before the election, when it seemed like the GOP had a shot, we heard things like "This race will tell us a lot about how the midterms are going to turn out in November" (from Tucker Carlson on Fox "news" on April 26) or "The special election coming up in a couple months, and that will tell you a lot" (from Rick Santorum on Fox "news" on March 22). Is it because Critz is a conservative Democrat and therefore doesn't count as a bellwether? Or was it only significant if a Republican won? Because, see, Tim Burns was a Tea Party-supported candidate, but he lost a general election. Sorry if that doesn't fit the narrative, but, as mentioned before, go teabag yourselves, media.