Family Research Council: Still Praying That Gays and Lesbians Live in Sin:
Aw, shee-it. You'd think that, since we defeated the forces of eeeevil gayocity in California, we'd get to lay off the prayers for a while, but, no, the work of a member of the Family Research Council's Super-Duper Prayer Team is never done. The Rude Pundit joined the SDPT under a nom de rude a few years ago, and each week he receives his prayerdage orders from the Rev. Pierre Bynum, the FRC's National Prayer Director (which is a title that's not unlike "Leprechaun Wrangler" or "Bigfoot Spotter"). Each email tells us what oughta be pissing us off, what to pray, and where in our worn out Bibles we can find verses that let us see that the Good Lord is straight and on our side. (No links to the FRC today - their site's gone to error Hell.)
For instance, this week, we've been told that our victory in California may be short-lived due to a pending appeal to the federal courts and we gots to stay down on our knees in order to stop gay marriage (even if the gesture seems counterintuitive to the goal). Sez the totally not-gay-sounding Pierre, we should scream, "May God intervene to defend man-woman marriage in California and every state!" (exclamation points quoted since they're the backwards baseball cap of punctuation).
And then Pierre suggests we check out Matthew 18:5-6, which gives us pissy Christ saying, "And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." Mostly, these passages are just random and confusing and it's probably best just to leave the Bible out of our prayers.
Still, though, with gay marriage cases and legislation a-brewing to drive the good, godly people of Maine, New Hampshire, and New York into a mad, legalized orgy of same sex knob-bobbing and oyster-diving, the SDPT is told to pray, "May God give his people in each of these states supernatural faith and strength to stand up to pushy homosexual activists and confused politicos whose arms have been twisted. May pro-marriage citizens refuse to back down, knowing that we have God and His eternal laws on our side! May prayer warriors in each state and across the nation arise to win each battle in the heavenlies, knowing that is where the battle must first be won! May God obtain the victory!"
Aw, that makes us hard, when Pierre calls us "prayer warriors," like we're out there on the front lines, fuckin' up some sinners fer Jesus, man, just fuckin' breakin' out our holy AK's of Christ's love and gettin' all blam-blam-blam, fillin' non-Christians with the lead of the blood of the Lamb and then scalpin' them with a crucifix and raping their corpses with our hard nails of worship. Hallelujah, motherfuckers, suck on it.
By the way, the FRC's a bit circumspect when it comes to Judge Sonia Sotomayor. It's kind of a wimpy prayer: "May the members of the Senate Judiciary Committee and the entire Senate fully examine and obtain an accurate picture of Judge Sotomayor's judicial philosophy for the American public before they vote on her nomination." In other words, "Umm, God, we're confused. A little help down here?"