Your Gay-Loving Immorality Forced the Secret Service to Pay for Hooker Sex, Says Family Research Council:
We members of the Super-Duper Prayer Team of the uber-evangelical Christian Family Research Council (motto: "No, Really, We Can Force Ourselves to Support a Mormon") are used to a certain amount of hyperbole in our weekly missives of shit what we need to be a-prayin' for. The Rude Pundit joined the SDPT a few years ago under a nom de rude, and Wednesdays bring him a steaming fresh email of "Prayer Targets," sinnin' that needs the shotguns of God's love to be pointed at the heathen bulls-eyes. Today's prayitus letter, though, goes just a little bugfuckier than the usual bugfuck insane.
'Cause, see, according to the FRC, Secret Service whore-haggling and GSA party clowns are all part of a larger problem. Let's quote it in full so's you can get the full, piquant flavor of an organization shitting itself:
"Is it any wonder that young White House Secret Servicemen and military servicemen have been caught consorting with prostitutes abroad; that GSA managers partied extravagantly in Las Vegas at taxpayer expense? For decades our government has engaged in profligate borrowing and spending, stubbornly funded Planned Parenthood (against the protest of parents) to teach children that 'anything goes'; that mistakes can be 'covered up' without parents ever knowing; to help teenage sex rings ply their trade right here in America, etc. The administration in power has imposed homosexual practice upon our military and has mandated that religious schools provide contraception, sterilization and abortifacient drugs to all students and staff - at taxpayer expense! What can we expect to come if things are not reversed?"
Now, you may think, "Why has no one ever told me about these teenage sex rings?" or "How much practice does it take to be a homosexual?" but then you'd be part of the problem, you sinful motherfucker. You gots to pray. And, luckily, the FRC provides the SDPT with the path to prayteousness, telling us to kneel down and gobble Jesus's knob of forgiveness: "God, the moral breakdown in America is too far gone for men to turn the tide. We need you to do what only you can do, to heal our land. Nevertheless, show us what you want us to do!"
Aw, yeah, it's time for some motherfuckin' floods up in this place. Time for some Sodom and Gomorrah-type flames and shit. Maybe even a little Rapture to thin the herd.
As always, the Prayer Target email provides helpful bible passage references so's that we know that all of this is on the up and up. Like, say, Acts 17:30 (King James, bitches, King James), when Paul hangs out in Athens and argues to the Jews around him, "And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all men every where to repent." Of course, Acts 17:29 reads, "Forasmuch then as we are the offspring of God, we ought not to think that the Godhead is like unto gold, or silver, or stone, graven by art and man's device."
And the FRC wants us to know that we can always give them money.