Stupid Fucking Republicans:
The Rude Pundit has known some sexy animals in his time. Dogs that he thought winked at him, including this fine Irish setter bitch that would glare intensely at him while she licked herself. Cats that liked to nuzzle a bit too tightly in his lap. The Rude Pundit once lived on a corn farm in the middle of fucking nowhere, and the farmer would buy a new cow every year to fatten up for slaughter. Farmer Joe never named the cows (except "Sirloin" or "Porterhouse"), but early on, oh, sweet bossie, this one cow had some hot haunches, a quietly erotic sashay whenever it walked from one hay bundle to the next, inviting "lips" bemusedly chewing cud. Goddamn. Still, however much those animals appeared to be saying, "You know you want some sweet canine/feline/bovine 'tang," the Rude Pundit was never once tempted to open the barn doors to paradise. In fact, Farmer Joe's teenage sons never porked bossie, either. But maybe there was a problem. Maybe we all needed a mule.

'Cause, see, when the abortion doctor murderer enabler Neal Horsley told Alan Colmes that he had fucked farm animals, Horsley, honoring the first syllable of that name, specified that he had, indeed, fucked a mule: "When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule." (He has a picture of his parents posted at his website of hate.) Now, Horsley didn't say whether or not he brought the mule flowers or if he cuddled after fucking her, but Horsley got his country dander up when Colmes suggested that this was bizarre behavior. Said Colmes, "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"

Horsley, not a man to back down when someone's talkin' smack about his squeeze, answered, "It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm." Think about that. Think for just a second about what Horsley is saying: "liberals" must be disconnected if they don't realize that animals are being raped on a daily basis on the farms of America. And Horsley is waving the banner for proud mule rapists everywhere. In fact, for proud fucking Republicans everywhere, forcing their wives or the children of others to perform sex that Jesus might find, well, problematic.

And it's fuckin' everywhere, the fuckin'. It's gay fuckin', group fuckin', straight anal fuckin', just so much fuckin', where the repressed libidos of ranting right wingers runs rampant. Somewhere in heaven, Michel Foucault is laughing his sore ass off.

There's Jim West, wayward gay-bashing mayor of Spokane, who not only fucked men he met at Gay.com, offering jobs and gifts to young men he wanted to bugger, but he is being investigated for having fucked young boys back in the 1970s. West made his name by blocking and getting into a huff about gay rights legislation.

There's the appointee to the Bush administration's FDA advisor committee on reproductive health drugs, W. David Hager, who as an OB/GYN for Jesus refused to prescribe contraceptives for unmarried women and has written that women who suffer from PMS should pray for help. Apparently one reason Hager never worred about contraception is because he loves the ass fucking. He loves the ass fucking so goddamn much that he raped his (now ex-)wife's ass repeatedly for years. Said the former Mrs., Linda Davis, "I would be asleep and since [the ass fucking] was painful and threatening, I woke up. Sometimes I acquiesced once he had started, just to make it go faster, and sometimes I tried to push him off.... I would [confront] David later, and he would say, 'You asked me to do that,' and I would say, 'No, I never asked for it.'" Hager believes he was called by God to stop abortion and emergency contraception. But apparently God was too busy to slip into his calls to Hager, "Hey, Davey, by the way, stop raping your wife's asshole. It's fucked-up and, frankly, it's kinda gay."

The list could go on and on and on, with closeted gay Republicans, Bill O'Reilly's happy endings and desires for new beginnings, and more. Hell, this ain't even to mention the latest about John "Fuck You, You Democratic Cocksuckers" Bolton, who, it seems, allegedly forced his wife to swing back in the late 1970s, baby, and have group sex at the hot couples joints.

Somehow a blow job under the desk seems so quaint, you know? Next to the throbbing perverse desires of the right that explode in destructive behavior against those who love them and those they want to fuck, the simple placing of consensual lips around a consensual cock is so comforting. It recontextualizes everything, doesn't it, all this crazed fucking. No wonder the right wants to destroy the legacy of the old and new left. They're jealous that they never got to enjoy it. And it's going to send them over a cliff. Rome burned because the leaders were so busy giving in to their sex drives run amok that they never saw the barbarians coming.

Briefly Questioned:
Why the fuck was the President of the United States biking on a wildlife preserve in Maryland in the middle of the goddamn day? Isn't there a fuckin' gym in the White House? And why the fuck wasn't he notified until after "the danger" had passed about a suspected attack on Washington, which caused evacuations, including his own wife? Wouldn't you wanna know if your wife was being threatened with death? Did they know it wasn't really a threat? Was it a show? Or did they just not want to face that stomach churning blank stare of his as he tries to figure out what the fuck to do, stuck sweaty in his shorts in the suburban wetlands?