Churchy Wanna Get Paid:
Man, fuck all this fiscal dependency on the flock. To hell with bake sales and rummage sales and other such shit. Fuck Santa on the corner, fuck the collection platter, fuck the tithing. Fuck all that bullshit 'cause Churchy knows where the real cash money's at: the federal government. And since Churchy thinks Churchy's been doin' the work of shepherdin' the stinky, drug-befouled, beaten-down poor that maybe the government oughta be doin', it's time: Churchy wanna get paid.
So the Rude Pundit's gonna start himself a church, gonna model it on the Peoples Temple except without the whole cult/doomsday/nutjob thing. Remember the Peoples Temple and Jim Jones? Goddamn, that was a fine, fine church back in the 1950s, 1960s, in Indianapolis, when it was so racially diverse, so giving, man; what government wouldn't wanna throw money at such an open, equal congregation that ministered to the homeless, the downtrodden. If Jim Jones was around now, that evil, depraved son of a bitch would be dinin' at the White House and makin' the case on Hannity that Churchy gotta get paid 'cause Churchy does such a nice, fine job.
See, the Rude Pundit's church'll be all about helpin' the homeless, educatin' the poor. And the only requirement for membership in the Rude Pundit's church - no one can wear pants. Jesus didn't wear pants. Neither did Moses, Abraham, or any prophets. Allah? Pants-free. And Buddha's diaper doesn't count. Yer Wiccan gods barely wear clothes. In the name of the commonality of all faith, spirit, and religion, no pants allowed. Or skirts. Or long robes. Indoors, 'cause it gets cold outside. It'll be the great equalizer, all that cock and pussy free-floating in the chapel.
While we'll have special good works for the pants-attached homeless, we'll host pantsless dinners for the hungry, pantsless adult education courses ('cause we're not fuckin' pedos - no kids allowed - we grown-ups know how much religion fucks up the kids), and, oh, the services in the chapel, all that singin' and swayin' with no pants. If you work at the church, you cannot wear pants at the office. You need pants? Get a job elsewhere 'cause you obviously don't believe in the mission of the church. You may not have pants, but you'll have one hell of a dental plan. Man, the Pantless Church of Rude Punditry for Jesus, Allah, Et Al will be the givingest fuckin' church the world has ever seen. And, 'cause Churchy wanna get paid, we'll apply for that government money, that Faith-Based and Community Initiative cash, and you know what? If George Bush gets his way, our pants-free worship won't matter one little bit.
In his speech this past Tuesday on FBCI, Bush once again pushed for legislation on "Charitable Choice." Said Bush, "The legislation guarantees in law that faith-based organizations are treated equally when they compete for federal dollars, and it also protects their religious independence in hiring workers." Back in 2002, the Senate failed to pass such legislation, which allows for religious groups to discriminate and still receive federal dollars, so Bush issued one of his Executive Orders making such discrimination acceptable.
Bush wants to ensure the right of the Pantless Church to adhere to its dogma of no pants and still get federal money: "Faith-based organizations also need a guarantee they will not be forced to give up their right to hire people of their own faith as the price of competing for federal money. There are some in our society in the faith community that say, why would I want to interface with government. And we've got to rid people of that fear. In other words, if we want this program to be effective and to save lives, people have got to say, interfacing with government will not cause me to lose my mission." Because, you know, if the government says that our parishioners and workers must wear pants, why bother helping the poor at all?
The President knows that commitment to a faith is what makes a religious organization strong: "Effectiveness happens because people who share a faith show up to help a particular organization based on that faith to succeed. And that's important, now, for people in Washington to understand." All those fatcats and blowhards need to know: our pants-free worship is a means to our ends.
The great thing about gettin' that FBCI money is that we'll use it to help all those welfare moms and alcoholic dads and homeless crippled Iraq War vets, and that'll free up tons of money for us to be able to spread our mission: saving souls by showing how dropping one's pants leaves one open to the possibility of heavenly glory and ecstasy here on earth.
Yep, thanks to President George Bush and all the conservatives who wanna make sure that Churchy gets paid, we'll be able to open Pantsless Churches in towns across America where everyone can come in, yank off their drawers, bow down, and get ready to pray.
