A Modest Proposal - Rape a Republican For Jesus:
According to the right wing of the political spectrum, we liberals are fucking scum. No, really, we are traitors, extremists, threatening the very fabric of this dainty doily of a nation. Check out the title of Sean Hannity's latest "book": Deliver Us From Evil: Defeating Terrorism, Despotism and Liberalism. There's everything you need to know about how liberals are viewed on the right - the evil equivalent of the depraved motherfuckers who took out the Twin Towers. Hannity writes (if by "write" you mean "composed with a turd pen filled with bloody piss ink"), "The greatest threat to our resolve in the War on Terror is the political liberalism . . . of the Democratic Party." One might think that the greatest threat to "our resolve" is the failure to fight a War on Terror, but, then, that would make you a liberal and, well, we're in a vicious circle then, no? Ah, but we liberals want to weaken intelligence, the military, and families.

Oh, how the right likes to rack up the name-calling of liberals. Ann Coulter, of course, has made a career of screeching like Sybil-in-a-straitjacket about how disgusting and destructive liberals are. Liberals and Democrats (who are synonymous in this equation, despite the fact that many of Nixon's policies were to the left of Kerry's) are inviting another terrorist attack, want the Iraq war to fail, and wouldn't have fought World War II. Oh, and the only way to talk to liberals is with a baseball bat. In other words, "liberals" ought to be rounded up and killed. Rush Limbaugh, Bill "Will Bloviate For Falafel" O'Reilly, Laura "I Can Be As Big a Cunt As Coulter" Ingraham, Mike "I Can Eat This Small Muslim Woman In One Bite" Savage, and more claim that delusional liberals hate America and want to hand over our wives and sisters to the terrorists in order to put them in burqas in the name of cultural relativism and sympathy for the plight of the people who beheaded Nick Berg and others (fuck, we probably watch the beheading videos at "We're-All-Al-Qaeda" parties, according to the conservative punditry).

At first the Rude Pundit thought the Bush campaign's use of the word "liberal" as a way of trying to demean Kerry was sooo retro and would be only vaguely effective. But it's stuck and, once again, liberals have to face the idea of dealing with an electorate who believe that liberals are just communists in Birkenstocks. Said Bush Saturday, "On issue after issue, from Medicare without choices to schools with less accountability to higher taxes, he takes the side of more government. There's a word for that attitude. It is called, liberalism." Said Dick Cheney last week, "Senator Kerry is a tax-and-spend liberal." And, oh, how they get the crowd booing on that word, "liberal."

Goddamn, one might think that, say, liberals want to radically alter the Constitution to prevent freedom of speech, press, and assembly, or that they want to throw people in jails without a fair trial, or that they want to find ways to make torture legitimate, or that they send troops into battle without the proper equipment, or that they want to amend the Constitution to specifically discriminate against a group, or that they . . . well, you get the idea. Essentially, the success of the right is to make "liberal" equal "America hater" and "child killer" and more. If moderates like Kerry and Clinton and others can be labelled "liberal" as a perjorative, well, really, they've left us with no choice.

It's time to start raping Republicans.

No, no - not metaphoric, rhetorical rape. Actual bodily violation. "Rape" in the sense of raping. Penetrating the various orifices and cavities with cocks and dildos (because, you know, we want liberal men and women to be able to participate in the raping). Imagine if Jon Stewart didn't just go on Crossfire to take the hosts to task for their debasing debate. What if, instead, Stewart had actually slammed Tucker Carlson to the table and started raping him? Oh, sure, Paul Begala might have cowered in a corner for a moment, but you can be sure that he would have gotten the drift and then joined in, raping the shit out that bow-tied bastard, Begala in front, Stewart in the back.

Then, oh, how the floodgates would be opened. We'd just start raping left and right, raping Rush Limbaugh on the air as he cries out for his punk ass dittoheads to help, fucking Ann Coulter's corpse ('cause, really, who'd wanna fuck her alive?), shoving a loofah up O'Reilly's ass. And you have to understand: when you rape someone, you have to beat them a good bit. If there's even an inkling of enjoyment from anyone, we'll bitch slap it out them and break out the ten-inch vibrator, which isn't good for anyone's sphincter. Goddamn, how Bob Novak will howl in pain as his hips snap from the raping.

We won't just rape pundits. Where's the fun in that? We'll go after the Congress. We'll rape Rick Santorum so that he has to stay in bed, under the covers, for months, years, having to deal with the shame. We'll rape Susan Collins for not switching parties (Lincoln Chaffee, we'll get to you). We'll rape House Majority Whip Roy Blunt for praising Colin Powell's lies to the U.N. We'll rape Ohio Rep. Deborah Pryce for being such a cheerleader for Bush and the Republicans. Oh, and don't worry, we'll try to pay someone to rape Tom DeLay.

And we'll say, This is what liberals are. We're people who will rape you if you're a Republican. And we'll justify our raping using Jesus. If Bush and conservatives can just make up shit they claim Jesus meant to justify every vicious, cruel thing they do, we can at least say, "Hey, man, love your neighbor as you would yourself. I'd like to be fucked, so I'd better start fuckin' the neighbors." That's right, America, liberals'll be rapin' Republicans in the name of Jesus. Goddamn, that'll fuck people up.

It'll work, too, because it'll change the rhetoric. All the raping will change the definitions. Oh, Jesus, it's gonna take a long time, and oh, so many rapes. But finally, it'll work. When someone like John Kerry is called a "liberal," he can say, with all honesty, "I'm not a liberal. A liberal is someone who rapes Republicans. I have never nor do I intend to rape a Republican; therefore, I'm not a liberal." And, really, unless a group like Raped Republicans for Truth say that they heard this one time that Kerry talked about raping Republicans, who's gonna disagree? When Bush calls Kerry the most "liberal" Senator, most people will realize that that's just wrong - is Bush saying Kerry's raped the most people? If that's true, why haven't we been informed before, like during the primaries?

And it'll change the politics. What's better: supporting equal rights and health care for all or getting raped? C'mon - make a choice. Peace and justice or raping? Pretty starkly clear, huh?

Oh, sure, there will be those who wear their rape bruises as badges of honor, a way to demonstrate that they are really, truly conservatives because, you know, they wouldn't have been raped otherwise. And there may even be some jealousy among Republicans, a kind of "Hey, I'm not right enough to rape?" mentality.

But, in the end, after years of getting ass-fucked by the conservative movement, is it not time to do some raping of our own?