Hey, all you legit pundits out there, don't fuckin' waste anyone's time trying to fuck the corpse of decent oratory back to life. The Republican National Convention has effectively murdered it dead, and just because it let out one last rigor mortis fart during First Lady Melania Trump's attempt at speaking what we might generously call "English," let's not dance like crazed religious fanatics and call it a resurrection.
Melania Trump was speaking about an entirely different being than the bloated ogre who cages children and laughs as multitudes die in his festering wake that she's damned herself to be married to. She spoke of fantasy Donald Trump, one who could be "humbled by the incredible support" in 2016, despite braying like a donkey with a broom stuck up its ass about his victory every chance he's had in 4 years. She spoke of a tireless Trump, who "will not rest until he has done all he can to take care of everyone impacted by this terrible pandemic," despite constantly golfing and tweeting about the hours and hours of TV he was watching, evidence of a someone who couldn't manage to burp out a plan after downing a bucket of Diet Coke and a slop bin of Big Macs.
Donald Trump isn't "inspired by the millions of Americans who wake up each day with a simple, yet courageous goal of providing for their families and keeping them safe." He isn't "here fighting for you." He isn't "grateful that you have trusted him to be your President." Melania said that he "will not stop fighting for you and your families," but he never even started. He fights for himself and his family, and I'm pretty sure he barely fights for them. Donald Trump is a miserable flea on the filthy anus of a failing body, and nothing more and probably much less.
But, sure, yeah, for the first time at the RNC, someone met the bar of "somewhat civilized" in their speech. Sure, Melania actually acknowledged that people died from COVID. Sure, she brought up opioid addiction and racial unrest. Jesus Christ, is that all we need to praise her? That she recognized that reality exists?
She was graded on the idiot curve, where you know someone isn't capable of doing something but you cheer them when they do the most basic shit with their few unremarkable skills. I get that when I play basketball with friends. If I hit a basket, it's like "Oh, hey, he didn't slam his head into the pole" and everyone's thrilled. But if they started telling me how awesome a player I am, I'd punch 'em in the tit for lying.
It was a shitty speech on a basic level. Putting aside the lies about her cretinous husband and putting aside that she was no doubt doing this as part of her contract with Trump and putting aside that she's a liar and a birther, the language she used was like she was a fucking third-grader. "I always heard about an amazing place called America, a land that stood for freedom and opportunity," she said, talking about her childhood in Slovenia. That's dumb. That's dumb shit that only dumb people fall for. It's dumb like the phrase "Be Best," which is what dumbasses think is wisdom.
Einstein visa? Eat my whole ass.
What the speech was really about was providing cover for assholes to vote for Donald Trump. Despite what his wife says, he is not "an authentic person who loves this country and its people, and wants to continue to make it better." He doesn't want "to keep your family safe" or "to help your family succeed." He doesn't give a shit about you unless your organs can keep his degenerating body alive longer.
I kept thinking about the song "A New Argentina" from Evita, where Eva Peron gets her fascist husband elected by lying about his devotion to the working class and offering her love as testimony for his worthiness. And then Juan Peron cracked down on any dissent, tortured and murdered his opposition, and enriched himself on the backs of those he purported to help.
But, hey, Melania said people should be nice to each other, so let's all give her a round of applause.
