From a press release from the Department of the Interior regarding the 4th of July Celebration of President Trump:
This year's annual Independence Day celebration on the National Mall will feature music, flyovers, fireworks, and an address by President Donald J. Trump. The America Is So Great ExMAGAganza will show the proper way to honor Donald Trump, including each of the nation’s five service branches with music, military demonstrations, multiple flyovers including a flight demonstration by the Blue Angels, and much more. The theme is "Trump Is Awesome."
The Navy's Blue Angels will do a flyover. In honor of President Trump, they will fly in a newly-created formation called "The Sky Pussy" where five of the jets create the shape of a vulva overhead. A sixth jet moves in close to the Sky Pussy for a maneuver named "the Grabber 180." The Grabber jet quickly moves in and out of the Sky Pussy, at which point the Sky Pussy jets emit special pink contrails as an indication that the Sky Pussy loved being touched by the Grabber.
The National America Is So Great ExMAGAganza Parade will be a celebration of all the things that Donald Trump has made great. It will feature floats showing President Trump shaking hands with Kim Jong-Un while starving North Koreans cheer for them as soldiers point guns on the citizens. Another float will feature a performer dressed like Saudia Arabia's Prince Mohammed bin Salman juggling the body parts of murdered journalist Jamal Khashoggi. He'll be standing on the throats of Saudi women while doing it. A marching band will play the Russian national anthem while the Marine Silent Drill Team shows off its precision moves, culminating in a "Salute to Putin and Friendship," where everyone drops their pants and pisses on each other.
The parade will also feature caged migrants on a flatbed. This display will demonstrate how the United States under President Trump is treating migrants seeking asylum better than they were being treated in their own countries. People in attendance will be cautioned not to hand them soap or toothbrushes or even a stuffed animal for one of the children. You never know how the caged migrant will act if they receive minimal amounts of human compassion.
When the parade reaches the VIP area, t-shirt cannons will be fired by National Guard members, but they will be filled with wads of cash in a demonstration of President Trump's tax cut. Any money not picked up by the VIPs will be given directly to President Trump.
One float will just be Brett Kavanaugh drinking beer. The real Brett Kavanaugh in his Supreme Court robes. Just enjoying beer. He likes beer.
Before President Trump speaks, the American National Anthem will be played. Anyone caught kneeling, not singing, or not crying tears of patriotic joy will be immediately arrested. The subject of President Trump's speech will be a totally nonpolitical look back on how much better the country is now that he's president. He will totally nonpolitically talk about how the press is the enemy of the people and that Democrats want open borders and crime and violence. Then he will totally nonpolitically mock Nancy Pelosi and the U.S. Women's Soccer Team as not being bangable enough for him. Finally, President Trump will totally nonpolitically name his daughter as his Vice Presidential running mate. "And what a mate she'll be," the President will say as a weeping Mike Pence still stands by his side.
Two fireworks displays will light up the DC skies. The first is themed "Look at This Shit Blow Up, Iran," and it will be an imitation of the annihilation that awaits Iran if it doesn't live up to its part of the nuclear deal that the United States withdrew from. The second will be "I Like Big Boom," and President Trump will point and nod in imitation of an idiot while the First Lady looks on uncomfortably smiling, as if asking for the sweet kiss of death.
At the end, President Trump will go fuck a tank and command the heads of the five branches of the military to all make out with each other while he does it. A blood orgy on the mall will ensue among the onlookers when Jerry Falwell, Jr. cuts open a donkey in symbolic murder of a Democrat. He will fellate the disembodied donkey dick while blood pours onto the audience, driving them into a savage frenzy of fucking and murder that will dye the reflecting pool as red as a MAGA hat.
So bring the whole family.
The Park Service has already said that the biggest crowd in the history of Independence Day is attending the Donald Trump's America Is So Great ExMAGAganza, and you were there, even if you weren't.
