1. You know how when you've gone a while without fucking - and this is all relative to how often you fuck in general, so it could be a month, six months, or, you know, a year- and then you get to fuck again? Now, the first time you fuck after all that time, it's gonna feel good. It's gonna feel amazing, in fact, and you're gonna be grateful for the good graces of your partner. When you cum, if you're not careful, you can fool yourself into thinking that this was the ultimate orgasm. But the truth is that it's a good start for what you hope will be a nice, long period where you're fucking all the time. And you know that the truly metaphysical orgasm awaits those who know they gotta get back in the groove. Yeah, things feel good now. But, holy shit, how your pussy's gonna pop with joy, how your cock's gonna explode, when you get it just right.
So, yeah, last night was a damn good time in the land of the somewhat free and the occasionally brave. Between the complete reaming of the Republican Party in Virginia to the giant "Fuck yeah" approval of a Medicaid expansion in Maine to the rainbow of candidates who beat the shit out of white men, it was a great night for Democrats across the board, the first time in long, long damn time when you could say, "Holy shit, we might make it out of this whole thing alive."
2. In fact, between the transgender candidates and black candidates and gay candidates and women candidates and Sikh candidates and Latino/a candidates and immigrant candidates and the candidates who were some combination of several of those things who won, yesterday was a complete rebuke to the politics of hate that Donald Trump and his savage tribe of pasty dudes (and a few pasty dames) have propagated and that the media said we were damned to for the foreseeable future. It was as if real America finally reared its head and declared, "No, motherfuckers, this ain't a country that is just about what a group of backwards ass, Fox-fucked, opioid-wrecked working class white people want. It's about everyone else."
3. And that's the message Democrats better get on board with: Fuck white people. That doesn't mean white people shouldn't run as Democrats. Hell, Ralph Northam and Phil Murphy did just fine (even if Northam was starting to cave to white people fears towards the end of the race). Listen: The only way to help the white working class is to abandon the white working class when it comes to trying to get votes. The future of the Democratic Party is to appeal to the diversity and inclusiveness that so many of us of all races want to be part of. A whole lot of whites will join in that effort because we know that the only way to get a progressive agenda passed is to get into office on a progressive agenda. And people who love Trump just because he hates non-white people are never going to vote for the Democrats at this point. So fuck 'em. And then get the votes to get 'em the health care and jobs programs they need.
4. There are many, many amazing stories from last night that fuck with the media narrative of the direction of the country. But I love Danica Roem, the transgender woman who won a seat in the Virginia General Assembly against Bob Marshall, a transphobic incumbent Republican. Roem is the lead singer of the band Cab Ride Home, who describe themselves thusly: "Northern Virginia metal band Cab Ride Home represents one thing: partying. We're a five-piece group and all members are committed to ultimately touring full-time. Our sound is drunken thrash metal, our songs are about drinking and our shows are about raging." And their songs celebrate drinking, passing out, and vomiting, as in "And back on the bus he barfed on the seat/All had a laugh, 'There's a story to tell.'/But when he woke up, 'Fuckin' go to hell!'"
For those of us of a certain age, the idea of a hard-rocking, cursing, hard-drinking trans woman winning any election is mind-blowing in the best fuckin' way possible.
And, then, to fuck with you even more, Roem was classier in victory than Donald Trump has ever been on any day of his pathetic, useless life. When she was asked about Marshall last night, Roem replied, "I don’t attack my constituents. Bob is my constituent now." Holy fucking hell.
5. But I'm not nearly that gracious. Last night was a giant fart right in Donald Trump's puckered, ruddy face, with some juicy ones left for Steve Bannon. Trump was his usual shitty self, distancing himself from Ed Gillespie's loss in Virginia, despite the fact that less than 24 hours before he had endorsed the GOP candidate. A large number of Americans, larger than expected, looked at the choices and said, "Fuck him." And Trump and his brand of hate politics inspired that rainbow of candidates to run. "Resistance" is no longer just a nice motto, a concept. It's throbbing in full action, and it's blowing a load all over Trump's presidency.
5a. Republicans have a choice now. Stick with Trump or run away. Admittedly, part of me wants them to cling to Trump like the desperate dogs they are, willing to put up with the whippings as long as he feeds them. Because then they will surely be swept away by the destructive wave that just started to build last night. But part of me is shit-scared about the damage they can do if they take that path. It's still a year until the midterms. How much fuckery will be done before then? So maybe it's best they abandon Trump now. Perhaps get rid of him. As he shits blood tonight, Paul Ryan must be making some calculations about impeachment once the tax cut vote is over.
5b. Next, it's up to you, Alabama. Show us that you're ready to come out of the dark ages. (Note: It likely won't.)
6. "Hello, America," many of us said last night. "It's been a while." And then we took America to bed, fucking together for the first time in the year since America broke up with us. We don't know if America will end up taking us back. But it sure seems like America is thinking about it.
