The Rude Pundit's Unproduced Second Amendment PSA:
(Note: This is from the 2nd Edition of The Rude Pundit's Almanack from 2012, which is 75% or more still relevant, and would make an excellent Christmas gift.)
Let's leave the people of Newtown alone today. Instead, let's attack those bastards who made Newtown and every other massacre possible: the 2nd Amendment absolutists who know exactly dick about the 2nd Amendment. Here's a script from a short film the Rude Pundit wanted to make, one of a series on the Bill of Rights.
Rude Pundit
Check this shit out.
(Walks up to a man holding a Revolutionary War rifle)
Tell me about this.
(Man #1 explains how the rifle works)
Rude Pundit
Thanks. Give General Washington my best.
(Walks over to man holding a semi-automatic assault gun)
Tell me about this one.
(Man #2 explains how the gun works)
Rude Pundit
Fuck, yeah.
(To the camera)
Here’s a demonstration. (to the men) Okay, fellas, go for it.
(They fire at targets: a Redcoat and a hippie. Man #1 starts to reload, but by the time he’s done, Man #2 has shot up the hippie and moved on to the Redcoat.)
Hey, James Madison, what did you think?
(Pan to James Madison, mouth agape)
Madison
Are you fucking serious?
Rude Pundit
Yes, we are, James Madison, yes, we are. Back in Madison’s time, the major threats were Indians, tbe British, and bears. We’ve pretty much eliminated all of those.
Scene 2:
(Rude Pundit is in a chair with a spotlight on him)
Sure, sure, some, like the NRA and a majority of the current Supreme Court, think that the first part of the amendment is a “just in case” proposition. That whole “A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state” thing. You see, apparently “well-regulated” means that there can’t be any regulations beyond, “No, you can’t own a fucking rocket launcher.”
But you can own, after just a brief waiting period for a background check in many, but not all, purchases just to make super-duper sure that you’re not Charles Manson,
handguns
(a snub nose appears pointed at Rude Pundit’s head)
of various calibers
(a .45 appears, pointed at him)
rifles for hunting
(a hunting rifle appears)
competition
(same)
and killing people
(a double barrel appears)
You can own assault weapons, like an AK-47
(appears)
and an AR-15
(appears)
which is pretty much an admission that you have no dick at all
(AR-15 barrel points at his crotch)
Oh, right, I wouldn’t want you to have a dick, Cindy.
Most of these you can carry out in the open. Some you can carry concealed, if you have a permit to do so.
The only regulations around now that matter? There’s a couple of bullets you can’t buy. You can’t have an automatic weapon, which is really just a matter of semantics and minor adjustments. There’s a couple of rules about sales of guns, which are mostly ignored with impunity, as long as no one’s selling bazookas to Iranians. And some states have some other laws dealing with registration, training, and limits on types of weapons and magazine. We call those the “kind of rational” states.
(Handgun is cocked and pressed against his temple)
We call those the “pussy” states.
There’s a good chance that people like Virginia’s Richard Henry Lee and George Mason really just wanted to make sure that Southern white people had the guns to stop rebellious slaves from fucking their shit up. It’s pretty much the same reason as now.
