Bill Donohue: Leave the Child Fuckers Alone: As always, the most hilarious remarks about anything where someone whispers a single mean word about the religion known as Catholicism comes from Bill Donohue of the Catholic League (motto: "We write press releases by the thousands"). Catholicism, in case you don't know, is a large sect of the Christian faith where practitioners engage in mock cannibalism and vampirism as a way of ingesting bits of their god. One presumes that eventually they must shit out the flesh of Christ and piss out his blood but that it leaves behind some magical residue. (And does that mean the toilet is now blessed? So many questions.) Oh, and a large number of their priests were able to rape children without going to jail. In fact, because the Catholic leadership saw boy-fucking as more of a social faux pas than a crime where people ought to be sent to prison, cardinals and abbots and costellos and whatever the fuck they have all conspired to cover-up crimes that involved, in various cases, dozens, if not hundreds of victims per rapist. And now that it's been demonstrated that the leader of the whole goddamn religion, a Pope who was once a Nazi, knew that an American priest was fucking deaf kids and refused to stop him, one would think that Catholics would be having one of those soul-searching, "Ah, fuck, can we end this denial?" moments. Not Bill Donohue. That corn-toothed, fat headed motherfucker has put out statement after statement, screaming that everyone should just back off. On CNN.com last week, just as it was revealed that Pope Benedict participated in the conspiracy to hide the child fucking, Donohue wrote in his bizarro screed, "Employers from every walk of life, in both the U.S. and Europe, have long handled cases of alleged sex abuse by employees as an internal matter. Rarely have employers called the cops, and none was required to do so." Now, remember: we're not talking about a secretary's ass slap. We're talking about a priest shoving his dick into the mouth or ass of preteen boys. This qualitative difference does not matter to Donohue. In fact, Donohue's entire defense of the Catholic Church rests on a few assumptions and comparisons that can only be described as "fucking mad." See, Donohue says, 30 years ago, we just let the child fuckers go free. And, hey, liberals, all of you say that molesters should get therapy and be rehabilitated, so "Had the Catholic Church simply tossed the offenders out, it would have been branded as heartless." Um, no. We think that people who fuck kids should go to jail and that they should get rehabilitated there. In fact, if you don't go to jail after fucking 200 children, it's called "Getting away with it." The other comparison that Donohue makes endlessly is that the media is overhyping this while not reporting on all the molesting rabbis. "Just this month, Rabbi Baruch Lebovits was found guilty on eight counts of sexually abusing a Brooklyn boy. Yet the Times, which has run several stories on the decades-old cases in Ireland and Germany, never reported it." Does it need to be explained that one case involves a man who committed a crime and went to prison for it and the other is about a decades-long conspiracy among church leaders to keep silent about thousands of cases of child fucking? Which is the newsworthier? It's not that Donohue is just factually wrong about so much. It's that he's proudly wrong: "Let's say Archbishop Joseph Ratzinger, now the pope, did in fact learn of the transfer [of the child fucking German priest]. So what? Wasn't that what he expected to happen?" Actually, what he should have expected is that Peter Hullerman would have the cops called on him and that he would be behind bars, like, you know, that rabbi he just mentioned. But, hey, that's those wacky Catholics and their "beliefs" in "things." Besides, who needs to mock Donohue when he does such a good job on his own. As he writes, "It's a lot sexier to nail the Catholic Church." Add "in," and he's pretty much got it.