Why Rush Limbaugh Ought to Be Force-Fed His Own Liposuctioned Fat (Cheney Reacharound Edition):
When former Vice President Dick Cheney paused in his sodomizing of Bob Shieffer's Face the Nation to give Rush Limbaugh a little reacharound hand job action (while shitting on Colin Powell's head - it's really quite a complicated move), you knew that Limbaugh would be as grateful as he is when the local Chinese buffet brings out a new tray of sweet and sour pork in the middle of his dining experience. His hand stretched around Limbaugh's girth like an elastic band on a sack of jello, Cheney needed only his thumb and forefinger to clutch the radio host's burnt wick of a cock and yank it as Shieffer spit out pubes to ask Cheney, between Limbaugh and Powell, "Where do you come down?"

Waggling Limbaugh's penis like a Play-Doh worm, Cheney responded, "Well, if I had to choose in terms of being a Republican, I’d go with Rush Limbaugh, I think." Limbaugh, who only lets a handful of people fuck his ass with their pricks, moaned jowlingly as he had a tickle of an orgasm. Cheney wiped his fingers on Limbaugh's shirt and turned back to Shieffer, gesturing at his un-mouthed cock to indicate that Shieffer ought to get to back to the interview.

It didn't take long for Limbaugh to pen an encomium to the wealthy ranch owner. Titled "What Motivates Dick Cheney?" the porcine peddler of paranoia offered his listeners a lesson yesterday in absurd justification that would make Hermann Goering say, "Why the fuck didn't I think of that?" just before sucking down cyanide.

For you see, Dick Cheney is not a self-serving man. No, he doesn't need anything from us, says Limbaugh: "Dick Cheney has all the millions he needs. He doesn't need money. He has no future political ambitions. He coulda run in 2000; he coulda run in 2008; he doesn't want to run for elective office anymore. What motivates him? He's not hot for interns. He's not a torture freak." The Rude Pundit's not sure what a "torture freak" is in Limbaugh's world, although he's pretty sure Limbaugh's got the leather mask to prove his point.

In fact, this becomes the refrain through the entire monologue: "What motivates Dick Cheney? He knows the media hate his guts. He knows the media hate George W. Bush. He has all the money he needs. He has no political ambitions. He's not hot for interns. He's not a torture freak." Does one get to bang interns if one proudly proclaims that torture works? It's confusing.

Finally, Limbaugh answers his question: "Dick Cheney is one lone voice in the Republican Party. What motivates Dick Cheney? He's not hot for interns. He has all the money he needs. He's not a torture freak. He doesn't want to run for political office. Dick Cheney is motivated by love for his country."

First off, can you imagine how fucking proud Limbaugh was when he was sitting pantsless in his double-reinforced Herman Miller chair and he thought about how poetic his repetition would sound? It's like T.S. Eliot for the severely retarded.

And, yeah, Dick Cheney was motivated by love for "his" country. The problem is that Dick Cheney's United States is not the United States of the rest of us. In fact, it's not really the United States at all. His nation compromises every principle to reach an indeterminate end. Our nation believes those principles are what make us a nation in the first place.