Queering the Election:
Well, at least we'll get to find out if the issue has any traction anymore. When the New Jersey Supreme Court decided, in one of those so-easy-it's-dumb kinds of rulings, that homosexuals are entitled to the same legal rights as heterosexuals under our Constitution, which pretty much says you can't dick over one group when it comes to rights, it was obviously milk and treacle from Jesus's blessed wounds for the suckling Christian right. And Karl Rove's gonna ram this up our asses with the kind of force that would have made his beloved stepfather's prostate quiver in delighted expectation.

Here's Bush, campaigning for Jeff Lamberti in Iowa: "Dave [sic] and I believe a lot of things. We believe that you ought to keep more of your own money. We believe in family values. We believe values are important. And we believe marriage is a fundamental institution of civilization." Christ, why does everything have to be about a battle for civilization with these people? Ever been to the Castro in San Francisco? One of the most civilized goddamned places on the planet (except for certain clubs on Saturday nights, where barbarism is encouraged). Oh, by the way, Bush called Jeff Lamberti "Dave" a couple of times in his speech.

Bush continued, "Yesterday in New Jersey, we had another activist court issue a ruling that raises doubts about the institution of marriage. I believe that marriage is a union between a man and a woman, and I believe -- (applause) -- and I believe it's a sacred institution that is critical to the health of our society and the well-being of families, and it must be defended. And I'm looking forward to working with Jeff Lamberti to do just that. (Applause.)" And after all the applause and hugging and tears, the gathered Iowans looked at each other awkwardly, wondering if they were actin' kinda gay. And then wondering if they minded.

Yep, even though married gay people didn't start a war based on lies, didn't balloon the deficit, didn't approve really homoerotic torture for detainees, you gotta know they're the greatest threat to this nation. The Family Research Council is giddy with anticipation of tossing gay bodies to the hungry evangelicals, ready to devour some queer meat on the way to the voting booths. 'Cause, see, the unelected judges in New Jersey are just begging for a confrontation with Churchy. FRC President Tony Perkins writes in his Action Update (which, strangely, is the name of the Rude Pundit's favorite gay sex newsletter), "In its opinion, the court indicates that a confrontation with the church is near. 'However the Legislature may act,' the majority writes, 'same-sex couples will be free to call their relationships by the name they choose and sanctify their relationships in religious ceremonies in houses of worship.' The court is already working to strip marriage of any meaning, and now it looks to foist its counterfeit on the church."

Perkins then asks, "Will we soon see this same 'discrimination' as grounds to force homosexuality on our houses of worship?" 'Cause that argument has gotten women in the priesthood in the Catholic Church so far. Logic doesn't matter here. What matters is to get the baboons of the base screeching and jumping.

And, oh, how candidates who need major distractions will yank this wedgie. George Allen, a man who loves to get macaca on his face, has already used it: speaking in Harrisonburg, Virginia, Allen said, "There is a clear difference here between me and my opponent – I support protecting marriage from judges who do not understand their role: to interpret the law, not invent the law. My opponent does not. My opponent says that this amendment would infringe upon the rights of ordinary Virginians, and he opposes it. This amendment does exactly what it says it does; it defines marriage as being between one man and one woman, and I’m for marriage between a man and a woman while my opponent is against it." And don't even ask him what if two male niggers want to get married.

Allen's already got a radio ad out that says of his opponent, "Jim Webb, Hillary Clinton and their liberal allies in Washington don’t want to give constitutional protection to traditional marriage. If they don’t share our values on something as basic as marriage, how can we trust them on any issue?" So because Reagan's Secretary of the Navy doesn't give a shit if gay people marry, he must want to give the baby Jesus a good shaking.

By the way, for pure bugfuck insanity, here's what Virginia state legislator Robert Hurt said about the decision: "As we contemplate the glorious anniversary of the surrender of Lord Cornwallis to George Washington on a Virginia battlefield 225 years ago, it is appalling to think that any state supreme court could render a decision that amounts to nothing more than judicial tyranny."

In this savage season, once the New Jersey Supreme Court decision came down, Karl Rove lit a bonfire in his backyard. He stripped down to his tightie-whities, painted his belly red, and danced madly, thanking the gods for the hate and stupidity of the American people.