Fun With Republican Wives - Fran Dewine's Cooking Sucks:
Trawling through the websites of Republican candidates, as the Rude Pundit's been doing for the last few days, you can come up with some pretty wretched information, like learning about every town's festival where the candidates will justifiably show up. You can bet that if, say, Clute, Texas hosted the Dirt Farm and Syphilis Festival, Representative Ron Paul would be there shaking hands and eating mud pies.

By now, most of Left Blogsylvania has commented on ultra-creepy Senator Mike Dewine's ultra-creepy use of a doctored photo of 9/11 in a campaign ad. 'Cause, you know, if aesthetically the smoke of one of the burning towers isn't blowing the right way, what's a scum-sucking ad agency to do? Photoshop that horrible motherfucker. And, of course, per recent law, Mike Dewine said he approved the message.

So, yeah, that was bad enough. But if you head on over to ultra-creepy Mike Dewine's website, with an ultra-creepy image of Mike Dewine seated in front of changing Ohio images (which, you know, makes it look like he's visited places he probably hasn't), you can discover the proudly displayed handwritten recipe book of Mrs. Mike herself, Fran Dewine. And, man, oh, man, it's a list of every bland church picnic recipe you ever wanted, with the ethnic food having been drained of any hint of flavor or, say, ethnicity.

Yeah, the Rude Pundit's no food critic, he ain't givin' stars at Charlie Trotter's latest beyond haute cuisine establishment, and he's as likely to make a dinner of day-old hash brownies and milk as he is to treat himself to sushi so tender it's like feeling the labia of that incredibly generous schoolteacher he met the night before at the tip of his tongue. But he knows suck ass food when he sees it. And he can declare, without even making a single one of the recipes, that Fran Dewine's cooking sucks monkey balls. In fact, if you go to the Columbus Zoo and you see that the monkeys' balls are hairless, you'll know that Fran Dewine's been cooking nearby.

Take, for instance, her recipe for Amish Barn Soup. It's a rich combination of Velveeta cubes, chicken bouillon cubes, and frozen broccoli (presumably not cubed) cooked togther to create concoction so salty that it'd make real Amish people beat down tourists, steal their cars, and race to the local liquor store for twelve-packs of Schaefer's they can down to get the vile taste out of their mouths.

Or there's My Favorite Lasagna, a piquant casserole made with Prego or Ragu (mixed with water, because jarred Prego is just too rich) and cottage cheese (because...why? ricotta's too hard to pronounce?), the sort of thing that's served in the trattorias in Hell alongside platters of rat innards on bruschetta.

You may whine and complain and say, "Jesus, Rude Pundit, beating up on Mike Dewine's wife is sure unfair." And, after slapping you with overboiled lasagna noodles, the Rude Pundit would point out that once her "Family Favorites Cookbook" was posted, well, welcome to the party, motherfucker.

But also, the food a person eats says a lot about that person, and either Mike Dewine's a fuckin' liar who dines at the finest bistros Akron has to offer or he regularly eats crap denuded of flavor. And what could be more appropriate for a savagely anti-choice white guy, someone who on his issues page has "Learn More" only for his "Protecting the Unborn" crazyworld cred.

So what can we conclude about Mike Dewine, ultra-creepy-looking, photo doctoring, high-fat eating defender of the bewombed and/or frozen? That pro-lifers really just don't know how to live.

Note: The Rude Pundit's taking a week off (though, if driven to, he may drop by). However, he is leaving you in the incredible hands of nearly a dozen of the best practitioners of bloggery out there. Enjoy the many joyously rude voices here all next week.