Elmo Doesn't Like It When Daddy Screams In His Sleep:
The Rude Pundit is not criticizing the Sesame Workshop, the producers of, you know, Sesame Street, and Wal-Mart, demonic force of capitalistic evil, for creating a bilingual DVD to help kids cope with parents who are deployed in the Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts. No, no, not at all. The DVD, in production now, will be targeted at children under five, and it will feature Elmo, the red furry monster with the high-pitched whine who refers to himself in the third person, and Elmo's father, who looks like Elmo filtered through an El Greco painting. The Rude Pundit's not sure about the plot of Talk, Listen, Connect: Helping Families Cope with Military Deployment, but certainly it would be dishonest if it wasn't about Elmo's father (or possibly his mother) being sent overseas to fight in a war.

No, no, the Rude Pundit believes it's a fine thing for puppets or cartoons to teach children about the reality of war, like Smurfs getting the blue living fuck bombed out of their teeny town. And, certainly, the Muppets have a track record of tackling heavy issues, from being HIV-positive to interracial relationships to the innate difficulties of being green. So, yeah, Elmo may be the proper figure to handle such a weighty issue.

'Cause, you know, it'll be great when Elmodaddy comes home from his twice-stop-loss-extended tour of duty after suffering a concussive head injury. How charming it'll be when Elmo runs up to his injured father on those creepy Muppet legs and his father doesn't recognize him; how we'll all smile a knowing smile when Elmo says, "Elmo loves his daddy," and his father looks around for this Elmo the little red monster kid on his lap is speaking of. How poignant it'll be when Elmodaddy asks where Elmo is and Elmo says, "Elmo is right in front of you" and Elmodaddy asks where, getting addled, confused, thinking he's going blind, flashing back to rapid gunfire around him, and Elmo says, "Elmo wants to take his daddy home," which, of course, freaks the shit out of Elmodaddy, who thinks he's about to be dragged away by strangers for who knows what kind of tortures committed by "El-mo," which sounds like a haji name anyways. It'll be like "Who's On First," except with scars and shrapnel.

Then how cute it'll be when Elmodaddy discovers he's got no job he can possibly do, being so fucked up from his injuries, and so he starts to drink, which doesn't help the nightmares, the way he's gotta get up every night to walk the perimeter inside his own home, and the fact that he can't fuck Elmomommy anymore, and Elmo disappears ever more into his fantasy land of psychic goldfish, smiling computers, and strange bow-tied men and women who mime their misunderstanding of basic language outside his window.

Of course, that all might be wishful thinking. The whole thing could end with Elmodaddy being ripped to cloth and stuffing shreds by an IED because his government couldn't afford to equip him with the armor he needed to protect his red fuzzy ass. Then we can watch as Elmo radicalizes, marches, and chants, "One, two, three, four, Elmo doesn't want your fucking war." And, hey, he'll still be teaching the children how to count.