While Gore Walks Upright, Gonzales Hunches in the Ditch:
Man, someone spiked Al Gore's coffee with spinach yesterday, 'cause he went all Popeye on the Bush administration's Bluto ass. Here's the Rude Pundit's favorite section from Al Gore's erection-inspiring speech yesterday:

"The founders of our country faced dire threats. If they failed in their endeavors, they would have been hung as traitors. The very existence of our country was at risk.

"Yet, in the teeth of those dangers, they insisted on establishing the Bill of Rights.

"Is our Congress today in more danger than were their predecessors when the British army was marching on the Capitol? Is the world more dangerous than when we faced an ideological enemy with tens of thousands of missiles poised to be launched against us and annihilate our country at a moment's notice? Is America in more danger now than when we faced worldwide fascism on the march -- when our fathers fought and won two World Wars simultaneously?

"It is simply an insult to those who came before us and sacrificed so much on our behalf to imply that we have more to be fearful of than they. Yet they faithfully protected our freedoms and now it is up to us to do the same."

Goddamn, it's such in-yer-fookin'-gob rhetoric, innit? Here's Bush, who in speech after speech makes some variation on the same stupid statement, as he did on January 11: "[I] said that after September the 11th, that oceans no longer protected us. You know, when I was growing up, or other baby boomers here were growing up, we felt safe because we had these vast oceans that could protect us from harm's way. September the 11th changed all that." And then here's Gore, calling complete and utter bullshit on that idiotic line, that the oceans couldn't even protect us from the wind-driven ships of the British, let alone Soviet ICBMs.

But the other thing Gore is doing is good ol' locker room politics: he's calling Bush a dickhead. "You want threats?" Gore is saying. "Dude, you only gotta keep track of a couple hundred goatfuckers who shit in holes on the side of a mountain. Try dealin' with a few million Soviets. God, stop being a dickhead about it and just do your job without fucking up the joint too much, a'ight?"

Gore's historical logic could also be extended to this: as repressive as the United States government could be to its citizens during the Cold War, fuck, the Rude Pundit doesn't wanna imagine what Nixon or Reagan would have been like if they'd followed Bush's logic of the power of the president during "war." It'd be like the difference between being gang-raped in prison and being gang-raped in hell by forked-dicked demons with four balls, shooting torrents of fiery spooge into your lacerated asshole.

The rest of the speech is Al Gore representing the injured citizenry of this country, speaking as someone who is not only disgusted by the treatment of a loved one- like the Constitution is in some horrid, rat-infested state-run nursing home -but as someone who is being hurt himself, as, indeed, we all are, every day, by the rampant, anti-American power grab the White House is engaged in, with the complacent Congress just along for the ride. The government is spying on Americans without a warrant or any oversight other than by the spies themselves, Gore says. What the fuck, you know? What the fuck?

Unlike so many of Gore's barnburner speeches of the past, this one had more of an effect than the usual flea fart at a System of a Down concert resonance of his previous efforts. For one thing, Attorney General Alberto "Where's Your Fucking Neck?" Gonzales appeared on Larry King's Zombie Live last night, where Larry King's zombie asked Gonzales about the speech. Gonzales took out the Bill of Rights and said, "Amendments? We don't need no stinkin' amendments" before setting the document on fire with his cigarillo.

King's zombie then asked Gonzales if it was that big a fuckin' deal to get a judge to "sign off on a warrant." Gonzales replied, "Larry, whenever you involve another branch of government in an activity regarding electronic surveillance, inherently it's going to result in some cases in delay." Then he distracted King by offering the zombie host the fresh brains of Sunni children, which King's zombie gratefully engorged. His work there done, Gonzales slunk off, hunched over like a beaten bellringer, to give Sean Hannity's manly jaw a stiff workout.

Gonzales used the much discredited "Clinton did it" excuse to defend the warrantless spying. These were called "black-bag jobs," and they involved physical searches of property without a warrant. The major difference is that, according to the Christian Science Monitor of August 31, 1994, "Unlike their predecessors, Mr. Clinton and [Janet] Reno have encouraged Congress to clear up legal uncertainties over black-bag jobs." This, of course, led to the expansion of FISA to cover physical property searches, passed by Congress. It was not simply done and Congress was informed and told to go fuck itself.

But that's the difference, isn't it? One President respecting the checks and balances of government, another flushing them down the toilet like so much used tissue. One speaker yesterday offered a path back to respect, another continued to advocate stuffing the toilet to overflowing.

Haven't things come to a strange pass when to be "radical" is to merely ask that the government of the nation respect its own laws?

Michelle Malkin's Cuntistry, Briefly Noted:
If one is going to rage against USA Today for distorting a picture of Condi Rice, then perhaps one should not distort a photo of Ted Kennedy for comedic effect on one's own blog.

The Year of Living Rudely Now On Sale at Tower Record Online Store:
In case you don't trust CDBaby.com for some bizarro reason, you can get the Rude Pundit's CD at Tower.com now. Buy, love, drink, buy more.