Christ Weary, Part 2 Cont'd (Fucking Falwell):
Here's one of the Rude Pundit's favorite fun facts about "Minister" Jerry Falwell: In 1989, he ordered that all of the employees of his empire had to join his church. And that they all had to tithe ten percent of their earnings to said ministry. So, like, if you were offered $20,000 to clean the Toilets of Jesus' Love, it was automatically reduced to $18,000 because of the enforced goodness of your heart. But Falwell has always and forever been about opportunism, from his takeover of Jim Bakker's PTL Club to his choice to fan the flames of whatever hate will get him the most attention, but mostly gay-bashing and anti-abortion politics.

Falwell is like a bitch in heat, rubbing his throbbing pussy up against whatever pole will tickle his kooz. And when someone comes along that'll fuck him? Shit, that's, well, fuck, manna from heaven. Reagan, Bush, Sr., and others have all lined up to gladly fuck Falwell. "Yeah, you slovenly bitch, you want it, you want it," Reagan shrieked while fucking Falwell, "Now gimme those evangelical votes or no more fucking for you." Falwell loves it when politicians fingerfuck him, teasing his clit. Oh, praise Jesus, how he squeals when his clit is squeezed.

And just like the tragedy of September 11, 2001 provided George Bush with a reason to go on living, so did it Falwell. Here's what this soft-talkin' porcine prophet of doom was saying on September 9, 2001, when his slide into irrelevance was almost complete: while talking about the events that were happening around the world that indicated the coming of Christ, one of the top seven was the increase in speed of transportation. Falwell marvelled at how fast he could get anywhere and "this explosion of transportation has made it possible for Jews from all over the world to migrate to Israel. God is bringing all these things together, because His Son is coming soon." The Internet, the UN, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, all signs of impending rapture, although, Falwell assured us, "I am not predicting when Jesus is coming back."

But then, praise Jesus, 9/11 happened, and all of a sudden on 9/16, Falwell's talkin' about being invited to the National Cathederal to pray with the President. Preachin' the good word, Falwell said of Bush, "His favorable have ratings soared to about 90%, equalled in modern times only by his dear father during Desert Storm." And, by 9/23 , Falwell was preachin' about how a revival can come about in America in the wake of 9/11. After pontificating about unity of brethren and repentance of all sins, Falwell's final words were about, what else, tithing to the church: "When God’s people are revived, what happens? They give money to God, and they give it abundantly above what they have been giving. As a matter of fact, when God gets a hold of a heart, no gift is too small, and no sacrifice is too great. We give to God." Hallelujah.

You wanna know what happened after 9/11 to shove a hot poker up the ass of the Christian conservative movement? It's the same things that have alway motivated charlatans and thieves for time immemorial: crass opportunism, desperate people ripe for exploitation, and sweet-talkin' con men (and women) ready to take the suckers for all they're worth. Falwell and the end of days, Bush and the imminent threat of Iraq - what's the fuckin' difference, huh?

Which all brings us to Falwell's surfacing on Meet the Press this week , where Falwell attacked Jim Wallis of Sojourners magazine for voting for John Kerry because Kerry's pro-choice: "I wouldn't vote for my mother if she were pro-choice." (This would be the same mother who would have been offended at the idea of her son fucking her in an outhouse, a la Hustler back in the day.) It was all so, so sad, with Falwell trying to talk to Al Sharpton about Martin Luther King, with Falwell declaring that gay Republicans should become Democrats, saying, strangely (racist-ly?) to Sharpton, "You guys are great at spending someone else's money." He lied about what he said right after 9/11, when he blamed it on feminists and other bugaboos. He said the Soviet Union would still be in control of Eastern Europe if Wallis had had his way when the Reverend (and millions of others) protested Reagan's "Peace Through Strength" looting of America. And, most bizarrely, he said this about his children and grandchildren: "This morning in the shower I prayed for all 15 of our family by name, by need."

And there's the image you need to be left with for today. Jerry Falwell, soaping his cock and balls over and over, calling out the names of his grandchildren, praying to Jesus, loofah in hand, foamy slippery soap bubblin' up, prayin' with all his might that the needs of the children are taken care of.

(Tomorrow: Fun with local preachers. Friday: Your tales of Christ weariness)

Keep the stories flowing. Dozens upon dozens have been flowing in. Lord, please give us a break from your holy people, you're yelling. Send more stories of your confrontations with the holy, the righteous, the saved to rudepundit@yahoo.com.