Of Monkeys and Men (some random thoughts- revised):
There's signs of apocalypse all around us, but none so frightening as this: monkeys are beginning to take over New Delhi (and this is not a racist joke). Like some animal geek's idea of a joke, little fucking monkeys are overrunning office buildings, biting people, and, well, let's face it, shitting all over the place.

Speaking of the unanticipated delight of seeing if our new monkey masters can screw things up any worse than we humans, it seems that Chris Matthews, host of MSNBC's "talk" show, Hardball , appears to have gone completely monkey shit crazy and has started bad-mouthing President Bush, "Dick" Cheney, and the whole American "policy" in Iraq. Read about his Brown University speech here, where he calls the whole rationale of the Iraq war "nonsense." What happened to Matthews? Did he finally get fucked in the backroom of the MSNBC studios by that hot male intern he's been lusting after? Did someone slip some acid into his coffee and, as he was babbling nonsensically and thin-lipped, he saw that intern pass by and finally, arms twisting like he's dancing to Phish, did Matthews go up to him and say, "Uhhh, so, I'm thinkin' that maybe, you, me, and K-Y in the cloakroom . . ." And did the intern say, "Sure, Mr. Matthews, but if I fuck you, I'm gonna want you to start dissin' the Prez"? Probably not. But, hell, stranger things, you know.

Speaking of things that jabber nonsensically and throw their shit at passers-by and use clawed fingers to masturbate in front of strangers, Ronald Reagan is the subject of a new CBS miniseries that has the Republicans in a tizzy. Seems said miniseries makes Nancy Reagan seem like a power mad, manipulative harpy who guided the delusional president by the balls. Oh, and occasionally it makes Ronald Reagan seem like he's mean. See, the movie can be as glowing as possible, saying that Ronald Reagan single-handedly walked up to the Berlin Wall, ripped off his shirt, and sledgehammered it open while cowardly Berliners watched in awe, but suggest that, maybe, perhaps, Reagan didn't do dick about AIDS until his own Surgeon General defied him (as C. Everett Koop did - check your history, kids), and the chair of the Republican National Committee is demanding that Republican "historians" be given a chance to edit the film. No, the film does not delve into Iran-Contra or anything remotely sleaze that the former President, now talking pillow, did, nor does it show his Alzheimer's wracked brain attempting to put a sentence together that's more coherent than, "Ga, banky, ga." In fact, Representative John Dingell has a letter to CBS about all the history left out, like "apartheid apologia" and "James Watt." And, you know, no Republicans fucking complained when Showtime aired its sham of a film about George W. Bush on 9/11, where it showed Timothy Bottoms as Bush demanding, demanding, that his keepers land Air Force One so he could comfort his people (isn't Bush a "pilot"? Why couldn't he land the fucking plane?). Hey, Hitler loved Leni Riefenstahl. He even had final edit approval.

Fucking monkeys jabbering in your ears. Makes ya' wanna grab a baseball bat and start smacking monkey heads like croquet balls. Nothing better than the sound of crackin' monkey skulls.