Real vs. Fantasy Obama:
Tonight, at his press conference, in a perfect world, Fantasy President Barack Obama would go to the podium, unzip his fly, reach into his pants, and pull out his balls. Not his cock, just his balls. And he'd rest his nutsack on the lectern and say, "I have a brief statement to make before I take questions. As you can see, these are my balls. In this moment in our history, as the economy teeters on the brink of collapse after eight years of failed policy and promises unfulfilled, I'd like to invite our Republican friends to come up here and suck my balls. Suck them hairless. Get the members of both the Senate and House, to one by one open their mouths wide and take both these bad boys in at once. Swirl 'em around and get 'em all warm and wet."

Real President Barack Obama will, more than likely and more than necessary, talk about how mighty splendiferous it is that three Republicans agreed with the punk ass bitch Democrats (also known as "centrists"), in order to have some kind of bipartisan consensus, how it's a first step to greater bipartisanship, how he listened to Republican concerns along the way, upping and upping the number of tax cuts until it's nearly a zero sum balance between the cuts and the spending.

Fantasy Obama would then say, "No, really, I want the Republicans to be licking the waxy folds of my scrotum. I fuckin' gave them a life preserver, a way to make their party part of the process of attempting something, anything, to slow this plunge, maybe even turn it around, thrusting our claws into the sides of this well and climbing our way out. But, no, the cocksuckers on the other side of the aisle decided that they wanted to circle jerk each other. So, now, with the encouragement of the majority of the Congress and the vast majority of the American people, it's time for Republicans to shut the fuck up. And one way to make sure you can't be heard is to have a mouth full of balls. My balls."

Real Obama is probably going to be very careful in how he parses his words, not wanting to alienate anyone, not the couple of Republicans who are going to vote for the stimulus package, not the pissed off House Democrats.

Fantasy Obama would continue, adjusting his nuts so they don't stick to the lectern, and answering the reporters who want to know if his honeymoon is over or if he's reaching too far or if he's spending too much with "You know what? You motherfuckers can join in the ball-washing. This teabag's for you, because for most of the last administration you couldn't get enough of blowing George Bush, even when he was lying about shit. And now you're gonna all of a sudden show some spine by asking if a couple of hundred mill in this bill are gonna create jobs or not? Hey, how about this as an answer: my balls aren't gonna suck themselves."

Yeah, it'd be nice, to see Republicans and the media choking on Obama's testicles. But that's not gonna happen. It never was. And anyone who supported Obama who actually thought that was gonna be the case was at best not paying attention, at worst deluded. We gotta deal with the real Obama, who has to deal with the real bitches and bastards who need to show they have some relevance, even as oblivion creeps in all around them.