7/12/2019

At His Nutzoid Summit, Trump Admits He Stares at Twitter Instead of Working

Yesterday, Donald Trump, who I occasionally feel nauseated remembering is still the president of the United States, hosted what was billed as a Social Media Summit at the White House. What really happened is that Trump invited a range of conservative idiots, inveterate assholes, festering fucknuts, conspiracy crazies, and Charlie Kirk to sit around and tell Trump how awesome he is while he reciprocated and then whined about them being censored. It was like when you go visit your grandpa and he's invited all his old racist friends over. Actually, it wasn't "like that." It pretty much was that, with the added bonus of villainous walrus Sebastian Gorka going apeshit on reporters.

Honestly, if intelligence could create energy, the vortex from the absence of it would have swallowed the Rose Garden.

In his completely insane remarks after the summit, where, one presumes, Trump walked around with his dick out and asked each of them to yank, telling them, "One of you is getting a special surprise" as circus music played and a shirtless Mick Mulvaney cackled in the corner as he pinched his nipples bloody, Trump completely missed the point of the "free" part of "free speech," saying, "Free speech is not when you see something good, and then you purposely write bad. To me, that’s very dangerous speech, and you become angry at it. But that’s not free speech." Freedom, to Trump, means free to agree with him.

But the main focus of his wayward ire was what he believes is censorship on Twitter and other social media platforms. See, sometimes he doesn't get as many likes and retweets as he thinks he should get. Trump said, no, really, "We got a lot of people. Way, way over 100 million, but I used to pick them up… And when I say 'used to,' I’m talking about a few months ago. I was picking them up, a hundred thousand people every, very short period of time. Now, it’s, I would say, ten times as long. And I notice things happening when I put out something—a good one, that people like, right? Good tweet. It goes up. It used to go up, it would say 7,000, 7,008, 7,000, 7,017, 7,024, 7,032, 7,044. Right? Now it goes, 7,000, 7,008, 6,998. Then they go, 7,009, 6,074." The audience of lepers and whores and leper whores booed the injustice of people undoing their "like."

Because we live in an odd version of Hell, he continued, "I never had that before. I used to watch it. It’d be like a rocket ship when I put out a beauty. Like when I said, remember I said somebody was spying on me? That thing was like a rocket. "

You got that, right? This is what the goddamn president is telling us he does. He tweets something and then watches the numbers on them. It's like the Nielsens of the damned for him. Trump needs those RTs and Likes to keep rolling up. He craves that validation, and he fears not having it, like an oxy freak getting to the bottom of the scrip bottle.

Then he revealed that he tweets just because he likes to see his shit on TV.  Trump slurred, "I said watch, I’m going to do this. And I said, 'We recognize the Golan Heights as being part of Israel.' It was a big thing. I go, watch this: boom! I press it, and within two seconds: 'We have breaking news.' John Roberts of Fox was over. He said, 'We have breaking news. Please, break it up.' Doesn’t matter what they’re talking about, John does it. He breaks it up." Beyond obviously not understanding what the word "breaking" means in "breaking news," that's some scary shit right there. It's some fin de siecle megalomaniacal fuckery, like a cruel, inbred king executing a servant because he can.

So Trump, again, ostensibly the leader of the free world, says that he wastes his days thinking of tweets to fuck with the flow of the news cycle and watches to see how much people love him. Add to that his daily viewing of Fox and Friends and whatever fucking nonsense One America has on, and, really, except when he's in front of the cameras telling us shit like "You know, there’s a word called 'communism,'" except when he's glad-handing dictators and right-wing crazies and congressional fellaters, he's not doing a goddamn thing at his job.

It's pathetic. It's pathetic that he cares so much about his shitty tweets. And it's pathetic that I'm fucking relieved that he's so lazy and incompetent.

7/09/2019

No One Is Going to Save Us... (Part 1)

After Donald Trump was inaugurated, I heard dozens of predictions about how soon he would fall and be forced out of the presidency. I talked to people In The Know or people who would mention a friend who's an intelligence agent, and they all knew, with near certainty, that we were mere months from the wheels of justice and the righteous government of the United States rejecting Trump like he was a dog's arm grafted onto our precious human bodies. I was told it would be October 2017, November 2017, "by Christmas" 2017, and then it was several times throughout 2018. "You see, they'd say, "the spooks are gonna take him down. The career officers, they know that he's up to his neck in money-laundering" or "child sex trafficking" or simply "Russia." These savior spies never appeared.

But we, oh, we hoped, god, how we hoped, listening to every confident conspiracy-spinner on MSNBC, just believing that, at any second, a thread would be pulled, the wrong Jenga piece would be moved, and everything would finally fall apart for Trump. We moved on to the investigation of Robert Mueller, and we thought that here, finally, would be the back-breaking straw. And while we have not fully grappled with what was actually in the report Mueller and his team produced, while the number of times Trump clearly obstructed justice is overwhelming and the associations with the Russian government are damning, still, it didn't shake the foundation of this administration in any permanent way.

Because we are such hopeful creatures, we liberals, we keep believing that some cataclysm will break this dark fever. Some of us even thought that the horrors that would be revealed in the indictment of child rapist Jeffrey Epstein might be awful revelations about Trump that led to his comeuppance. That case is still in its early stages, and this is not to mention what Mueller might say when he testifies next week, but stop, just stop.

No one is going to save us. It's just that simple. While there have been and may still be a couple of Supreme Court decisions that don't gut democracy and civil rights, no one is going to save us from the depravity of this administration, from its extravagant flouting of rules and laws meant to prevent corruption of public officials to its enraging, inhumane mistreatment of migrants to its utter incompetence in just about every area that requires a rational federal government to its abandonment of any policy that would mitigate the speeding train of the climate crisis that is going to wreck us.

There is no political Santa Claus. There will be no insurgency by angry intelligence agents. There is no ninth-dimensional plan that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has as to why she's not calling for an impeachment inquiry. She has no secret information that Trump is going down for some other crime. And while I could spend the rest of this post on the boggling refusal of Pelosi to impeach while she has the House pass meaningless bill after meaningless bill, I don't want to just focus on her failure in this pivotal historical moment.

We are seeing the result of decades of conservative planning to get the public to the moment where they no longer believe in anyone but the right's own media, where plain facts don't matter, where images of strength are far, far more important than actual strength. And, as Ryan Grim demonstrated in a great piece, we are dealing with a Democratic leadership group that has never gotten over its post-Reagan stress disorder. Democrats never learned to fight Republicans. We thought winning elections would be enough. We thought that the factual reality of more people having access to health care would be enough. We thought that things that polled well, like abortion rights, like stricter gun laws, like action on climate change, would be enough. We thought that Trump being a damned embarrassment every time he opens his mouth would be enough. We thought that going high when they went low would be enough.

It's not. It never was.

Republican learned back when Reagan was calling the news the "liberal media" on a regular basis, when they impeached Bill Clinton because it made the evangelicals and Clinton haters happy, when they hammered every minor thing, like a flag-burning case, into a national crisis, that the fight is all there is. They relish the fight, they live for the fight, and they can't wait for the next chance to fight, even if they have to manufacture it. They don't care about rules, they don't care about pissing off their opponents, and that's why Trump will end up appointing nearly a third of all federal judges by the end of his first term. That's why Republicans will end up contorting our voting rights until only white conservative men get a say.

And while a whole lot of us on the left, many of us who call ourselves "Democrats," have fought like hell, and while Democratic leaders may want to fight on issues, they hate it when the fight becomes personal. Sure, some Democrats will call out particular Republicans on their awfulness, but the goal is to try to shame a shameless person like Mitch McConnell. When Republicans go after someone, the goal is to destroy them and create a new identity for the person. Look at what they did with the Clintons. Look at what they're doing with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Republicans do this because it works. Democrats won't. They flinch and shy away, as if it's just too unseemly.

What do I mean by that? President Obama should have had Democrats go on the warpath over McConnell's refusal to consider the Supreme Court nomination of Merrick Garland. McConnell should have been turned into an enemy of the nation. Instead, it was treated with the political equivalent of an eyeroll. Would it have worked? We'll never know.

You want something more recent? Trump was credibly accused of rape, with activity that is of a piece with other behavior he's admitted to. It should be something that Democrats say with outrage over and over, in every discussion. And if Democrats can't take the head of Labor Secretary Alex Acosta, who helped get a sweetheart deal for child rapist Epstein, then they have no business in modern politics.

That's all blind hope, the same kind of blind hope that made us think that some bit of scandal magic would take down Trump. Sorry. No one is going to save us. We're on our own. So we damn well better save ourselves.

7/03/2019

What to Expect at Donald Trump's America Is So Great ExMAGAganza

From a press release from the Department of the Interior regarding the 4th of July Celebration of President Trump:

This year's annual Independence Day celebration on the National Mall will feature music, flyovers, fireworks, and an address by President Donald J. Trump. The America Is So Great ExMAGAganza will show the proper way to honor Donald Trump, including each of the nation’s five service branches with music, military demonstrations, multiple flyovers including a flight demonstration by the Blue Angels, and much more. The theme is "Trump Is Awesome."

The Navy's Blue Angels will do a flyover. In honor of President Trump, they will fly in a newly-created formation called "The Sky Pussy" where five of the jets create the shape of a vulva overhead. A sixth jet moves in close to the Sky Pussy for a maneuver named "the Grabber 180." The Grabber jet quickly moves in and out of the Sky Pussy, at which point the Sky Pussy jets emit special pink contrails as an indication that the Sky Pussy loved being touched by the Grabber.

The National America Is So Great ExMAGAganza Parade will be a celebration of all the things that Donald Trump has made great. It will feature floats showing President Trump shaking hands with Kim Jong-Un while starving North Koreans cheer for them as soldiers point guns on the citizens. Another float will feature a performer dressed like Saudia Arabia's Prince Mohammed bin Salman juggling the body parts of murdered journalist Jamal Khashoggi. He'll be standing on the throats of Saudi women while doing it. A marching band will play the Russian national anthem while the Marine Silent Drill Team shows off its precision moves, culminating in a "Salute to Putin and Friendship," where everyone drops their pants and pisses on each other.

The parade will also feature caged migrants on a flatbed. This display will demonstrate how the United States under President Trump is treating migrants seeking asylum better than they were being treated in their own countries. People in attendance will be cautioned not to hand them soap or toothbrushes or even a stuffed animal for one of the children. You never know how the caged migrant will act if they receive minimal amounts of human compassion.

When the parade reaches the VIP area, t-shirt cannons will be fired by National Guard members, but they will be filled with wads of cash in a demonstration of President Trump's tax cut. Any money not picked up by the VIPs will be given directly to President Trump.

One float will just be Brett Kavanaugh drinking beer. The real Brett Kavanaugh in his Supreme Court robes. Just enjoying beer. He likes beer.

Before President Trump speaks, the American National Anthem will be played. Anyone caught kneeling, not singing, or not crying tears of patriotic joy will be immediately arrested. The subject of President Trump's speech will be a totally nonpolitical look back on how much better the country is now that he's president. He will totally nonpolitically talk about how the press is the enemy of the people and that Democrats want open borders and crime and violence. Then he will totally nonpolitically mock Nancy Pelosi and the U.S. Women's Soccer Team as not being bangable enough for him. Finally, President Trump will totally nonpolitically name his daughter as his Vice Presidential running mate. "And what a mate she'll be," the President will say as a weeping Mike Pence still stands by his side.

Two fireworks displays will light up the DC skies. The first is themed "Look at This Shit Blow Up, Iran," and it will be an imitation of the annihilation that awaits Iran if it doesn't live up to its part of the nuclear deal that the United States withdrew from. The second will be "I Like Big Boom," and President Trump will point and nod in imitation of an idiot while the First Lady looks on uncomfortably smiling, as if asking for the sweet kiss of death.

At the end, President Trump will go fuck a tank and command the heads of the five branches of the military to all make out with each other while he does it. A blood orgy on the mall will ensue among the onlookers when Jerry Falwell, Jr. cuts open a donkey in symbolic murder of a Democrat. He will fellate the disembodied donkey dick while blood pours onto the audience, driving them into a savage frenzy of fucking and murder that will dye the reflecting pool as red as a MAGA hat.

So bring the whole family.

The Park Service has already said that the biggest crowd in the history of Independence Day is attending the Donald Trump's America Is So Great ExMAGAganza, and you were there, even if you weren't.

7/02/2019

Another Goddamn Podcast: Interview with Reece Peck and Online Ministries Tell the Tennessee Legislature to Suck It

The latest episode of Another Goddamn Podcast is up, and it's a festive one.

First, I tell you about how an online ministry told the Tennessee legislature to go fuck itself when the state passed a law saying that marriages performed by people who got their ordination online aren't legit.

Then, you've got the second part of my interview with media analyst Reece Peck, author of Fox Populism: Branding Conservatism as Working Class. He's watched more Fox "news" than any single human should ever have to, and it's a tribute to him that he hasn't gone on a 5-state killing spree.

We talk about how it pissed me off that he was sure Trump was going to win in 2016, and then we get into his upbringing as a Mormon in Utah and the ways the LDS church is becoming surprisingly more open. Of course, I had to ask him about the Mormon doctrine that says masturbation is just below murder on the list of sins. It gets weird and funny.

Check it out, like a shockingly large number of people already have. Listen on your favorite podcast platform. Download it. Rate it. Review it. Make sweet love to it.

(For tender ears and eyes, it's called AGD Podcast, but we all know it's just Another Goddamn Podcast.)

While I'm plugging, check out other great podcasts on the Sexy Liberal Podcast Network, from Dean Obeidallah's I Want to Be Your Muslim Friend to Dana Goldberg's Out in Left Field (she talks to the amazing Charlotte Clymer this week), not to mention Bob Cesca, Randi Rhodes, Frangela, Proud Resister, Jody Hamilton, John Fugelsang, and the grand dame herself, Stephanie Miller (her Happy Hour with Busy Phillips is a blast).

It'll help get you through these tough times and tell you, "Oh, shit, I'm really not alone in how much rage I'm feeling."

6/27/2019

Random Observations on John Roberts Buggering Democracy Today

1. The Supreme Court's decision allowing partisan gerrymandering of congressional districts was essentially a nonconsensual buggering of American democracy. By 5-4 vote, the craven conservative cocks, led by Chief Justice John Roberts, said, "Yeah, we don't give a rat's ass. Contort the shit out of districts, state legislatures, to ensure that your party always grabs an unfair number of the state's congressional representatives." Actually, what Roberts said was that the federal courts had no role in deciding it because that would make the court look too political, as if every fucking decision ever made by the Supreme Court isn't considered political (see 5-4 majority comprised solely of craven conservative cocks).

1a. You could bottom line the decision as "¯\_(ツ)_/¯."

2. The actual text of Roberts' opinion was even more confounding. It's like reading a letter from someone explain why he fucked your dog to death by blaming your dog for being too sexy and saying he was doing you a favor. For one, Roberts makes the usual bullshit conservative argument of bringing in the nation's founders. In this case, he says that they didn't have a gerrymandering problem: "The Founders certainly did not think proportional representation was required. For more than 50 years after ratification of the Constitution, many States elected their congressional representatives through at-large or 'general ticket' elections. Such States typically sent single-party delegations to Congress." And then they changed it. You know, whenever tries to read the minds of some rich white guys from 250 years ago, all I can think is "Those motherfuckers owned slaves, treated women as chattel, were drunk most of the time, and shit in a bowl while trying to come up with better ways to murder Indians and take their land. Why the fuck do we still pretend like every word they say applies now?"

3. Even more goddamned aggravating is how Roberts appealed to some illusion of democracy and fairness. He acts like the very notion of the court deciding issues of "fairness" is utterly beyond its scope. After listing several possible versions of "fairness" (only one of which is actually "fair"), he writes, "Even assuming the court knew which version of fairness to be looking for, there are no discernible and manageable standards for deciding whether there has been a violation." How about starting with the fact that the intent was obviously racist. Not for Roberts, though: "Unlike partisan gerrymandering claims, a racial gerrymandering claim does not ask for a fair share of political power and influence, with all the justiciability conundrums that entails. It asks instead for the elimination of a racial classification. A partisan gerrymandering claim cannot ask for the elimination of partisanship." No, but if you're carving out black and Latinx people and isolating them in weird-ass shaped districts to secure Republican seats and limit Democratic seats, that's racist. Roberts doesn't buy that shit, saying that it doesn't matter if there's racism involved as long as you can make a case that it's more partisan than racist: "A permissible intent—securing partisan advantage—does not become constitutionally impermissible, like racial discrimination, when that permissible intent 'predominates.'" As Elana Kagan says in her dissent, you're just fucking saying that one party's votes are more important than another party's and that's really unfair when each person's vote should be equal. And since those party lines are often determined by the number of people from racial groups in them, it's got a racist intent.

3a. And, by the way, one of the two cases here was about the fucked up way that Maryland gerrymanders in favor of Democrats by carving out a white people area. This shit swings both ways, but right now, because Republicans have taken over most state legislatures, it's gonna end up favoring Republicans overall. But demography is destiny and that pendulum can swing back, assholes.

4. To an extent, then, the Court's decision to postpone a final judgment on whether or not to have a citizenship question on the census is useless. If states can just carve up districts like a spastic monkey with box of crayons, what does it matter how many people are in the state? However, of course, the other part of this is that total number of citizens determines total number of representatives per state. And if you get rid of all the non-citizens too afraid to answer and citizens who don't want to answer, then states like New York and California will lose seats and they will go to the shithole states. That's why it's hilarious to see conservatives go nutzoid in anger at Roberts for not giving them every goddamn thing they wanted right now.

4a. I put it at about even odds that Trump just orders that the question be put on the census form and dares anyone to fuckin' stop him. Why wouldn't he? Really, who would stop him?

5. The real winner today is Mitch McConnell. Because of his blank-faced evil and complete lack of ethics, he wiped his ass with Senate tradition and the Constitution and told everyone to sniff it. McConnell has engineered a generational shift in the judicial system of the United States, starting with his theft of the Supreme Court seat that should have been Merrick Garland's. Gotta hand it to him: the man has said that he's a motherfucker, and he brought out a whole bunch of mothers and just fucked them in every hole he could and in a few he made himself. Because that's what motherfuckers do. They fuck mothers. It's right there in the word.

6. And, as ever, the big fucking losers are Democrats, who barely whimpered over the Garland fuckery, who have been able to do little more than sit with their fingers up their asses while Republicans fuck their faces, and who, when they have power, will probably say that it's time to be nice again because bipartisanship or comity or whatever the fuck.

6a. The fact that, so far, the Democratic National Committee has paid so little attention to winning back the Senate demonstrates an utter failure of leadership and imagination. Jesus fuck, if I had a couple of billion dollars, I'd fucking offer to move thousands of people from urban districts to suburban districts in gerrymandered states just to fuck it all up. I'd fight so fucking dirty that Karl Rove would jack off to the Machiavellian shit I would do. Democrats haven't learned that, and until we get this entrenched leadership the fuck out of there, the ones who still flinch when Republicans raise a hand, they just won't.

6/24/2019

The President of the United States Is Likely a Rapist and Nothing Is Being Done About That

I believe, as I have believed for a long time, that Donald Trump is a rapist. The allegations by E. Jean Carroll of Trump raping her in the dressing room at Bergdorf Goodman are horrifying, and, in any sane country, they would be the end of Trump's presidency. But we don't live in anything like a sane country anymore. We are on a steep incline now, heading faster and faster into a darkness at the end of it. Each event and allegation that we simply overlook or ignore speeds us down, and, at some point, we're not going to be able to grab onto the ground to stop our fall. It's always going to get worse, it seems.

Because every day provides evidence of this, this afternoon, in a comment on Carroll's allegations, Trump made it worse. Talking to the Hill, the President of the United States said this about a respected writer who accused him of rape: "I’ll say it with great respect: Number one, she’s not my type. Number two, it never happened. It never happened, OK?"

Think about that. Sitting in the Oval Office, the center of power for supposedly the most powerful person in the world, the first thing our president wanted us to know is that his alleged rape victim wasn't his type. At best, that means Trump doesn't like strong, self-possessed women. At worst (and most likely), it means she wasn't fuckable enough for him to rape. It was more important to him for us to hear that he has a certain taste in women than it was that he didn't rape Carroll. Putting aside the truth of the allegation, you have to be an essentially terrible man to open with a judgment on how hot your rape accuser is. (And Trump has used the "not my type" reasoning often, even talking about Stormy Daniels.) And a whole lot of people are going to believe Trump on that. I've already had people send me tweets and messages saying that Carroll wasn't attractive enough for the obviously too handsome Donald Trump, as if that really matters in any way when it comes to rape.

I believe Carroll for many reasons. I know and trust two people who know Carroll, and they say they believe her. I believe her because I know many women from Carroll's generation and the nightmare of sexism and assault they had to negotiate just to work in their chosen fields. Talk to many women who were grad students or became university professors in the 1960s and 1970s or even the 1980s, as they infiltrated the old boys networks at supposedly liberal colleges. It wasn't a minefield. It was a full-on battle.

For decades, Carroll has had an incredibly successful career as a writer, as a beloved advice columnist, as a trusted figure in the lives of many people, especially women. To just make this story up now does her no good; in fact, if she were lying, she would torch her entire life's work. And she didn't need a fake Trump story (or a fake story of any of the men she writes about) in her forthcoming book to make it successful. Her thousands of readers would likely have done that anyway. She knew that she was going to get a buzzsaw of hatred and condemnation coming at her, and it's already happening.

On the socials, the right wing commentariat are saying that Carroll discredited herself this evening on CNN in an interview with Anderson Cooper. It was a fascinating appearance, with Carroll refusing to play the part of the tearful victim. She was bitingly witty with an awareness and sensitivity to women who have experienced more violent sexual assaults than she did. I'm sure that her attitude is going to confound a whole lot of sexists and Trump apologists, but they don't get to say how a woman processes her rape. She wants to own this story, although I'm sure she knows that that is going to be impossible now. I'm betting she's getting rape and death threats constantly. That's how we live now.

One of the most depressing things Carroll told Cooper is that she believes all the accusations of sexual assault against Donald Trump actually helped his candidacy. She told a story about being out to dinner with George McGovern when Bill Clinton's affairs were being revealed in 1992 (this was prior to Paula Jones and allegations of sexual misconduct). McGovern said it would help Clinton because it makes him seem more virile and manly to many people. Carroll said she thinks the same thing happened with Trump, that it made him seem like he was so masculine that he could take any woman he wanted, and that he could have sex with anyone, like porn stars, and then pay them off. That sadly makes sense, considering his supporters.

Today, I was talking to a young woman who is a Trump voter. She was trying to tell me he was a good person because he once had his limo pull over and had his employee help her mom and aunt change a flat tire and then he paid off her aunt's mortgage. I said, "Maybe, but he's a rapist." She said she didn't know what I was talking about. I repeated, "He's a rapist. He's been credibly accused of rape. More than once." She dismissed it with a wave of her hand, saying that "people just want to hurt him." I tried to point out that no one accused Barack Obama of rape (except, you know, deranged people). She didn't care. "They're all just jealous of Trump," she said.

It doesn't matter. No one is going to do anything. The New York Times and other news outlets buried the story, although the Washington Post featured it prominently. Fox "news" doesn't have anything on its website. The New York Post was ordered to scrub it from their site. I don't know how many days this story will stay alive, what with Trump's abuse of child migrants and war mongering with Iran also dominating the news.

I believe Carroll. I believe other women who have said that Trump assaulted them. I believe Ivana Trump when she said under oath that Trump raped her when they were married. I believe the president is a rapist, that our nation is being led by a rapist. And I honestly don't know what to do with that. I don't know what we do with that. This is where our other leaders are supposed to step in and help the country. But, as we slip further down this incline, they aren't trying to toss us ropes to save us. They are sliding with us into that chaotic, dark unknown below.

(Note: If your response to Carroll and the other allegations against Trump is "Yeah, but Bill Clinton..." then you're saying that you think Trump should get away with rape because you believe Clinton got away with rape. So you are a worthless human. Oh, and Clinton isn't president now.)

6/21/2019

Math Is Amazing: Virtually None of the Migrants Seeking Asylum Are Violent Criminals

If you're incredibly unlucky like me and think that you need this kind of shit to stay abreast of the fuckery of the administration of Donald Trump, you will get daily briefings from the White House that are propaganda missives so clumsy and contrived that Goebbels is rolling his eyes in Hell (of course, the eyes are across the room from his head because, well, it's Hell). For instance, today's spam of the damned has links to a "column" from conservative toilet, Townhall (motto: "We're batshit fascists and barely human racists and loving it!")  and the right-wing rag that gives actual rags a bad name, the Washington Examiner.

It's also got a link to a Fox "news" article, "Hundreds of migrant caravan members found to have US criminal histories." The email highlighted this passage:
Now, by my awesome ability to use a calculator, 660 criminals out of 8000 people is about 8%. But most of those "criminal convictions" are obviously not violent crimes because the next numbers talk about those. So 43 out 8000 is roughly one half of one percent. For that, the administration is running around with its hair on fire about the rapists and murderers getting into the country.

The article itself goes into more numbers, including a caravan from Honduras that has 3300 migrants. According to DHS, the total violent criminals is 53, including sexual offenses, assault with a deadly weapon, and attempted murder. Again, using the magic of my calculator, that's 1.6% of the migrants. I'd bet there's a higher proportion of violent people in any office building.

By the way, drug offenses aside, there is no blanket prohibition on people with criminal convictions coming to the United States. It's a case-by-case thing.

Nearly half of crimes these criminals were convicted of were being in the United States illegally and traffic offenses, with another good amount being low-level drug offenses, like possession. And according to Customs and Border Patrol's own numbers, just 4.4% of the total number of migrants who came to the country in 2018 had criminal convictions. Almost none, statistically, were for violent crime, and we know who the violent criminals are because of the vetting process for asylum claims (and, sure, some probably slip through the cracks because that's how bureaucracy works).

This means that 95.6% of the migrants had no criminal record, despite the Trump administration's constant refrain that we are under some kind of existential threat. Yes, there is a humanitarian disaster at the border, but it's got to do with the criminal actions of our federal government and not the supposed criminality of the migrants.

Bear that in mind this weekend when ICE agents show up at churches to arrest families and deport them.

6/19/2019

Last Night's Trump Campaign Orgy

They lined up early in the foul musk of the moist, fetid Orlando air, the smell of spring already having been murdered by the sharp heat of summer. The media descended on the parking lot of the civic center named for Amway, a pyramid scheme business that promises riches for all who believe with their very souls in the lies that the company sells. Reporters interviewed every Jesse, Joyce, Mary Jo, Skeeter, and Bubba willing to open their mouths. "Of course, we had to be here," they said, "this is white trash Coachella and I'm ready to shake my titties for my president." Both the men and women there appeared to be able to do that. 

When the Amway Center opened at last, they sweated even more profusely in anticipation. What would happen? Would they get to break out the hits, the "Lock her up" and the "Build the wall" and more? Would they be allowed to catch a glimpse of Trump's cheap Eastern European substitute for Jackie Kennedy? Would Eric be there? Don, Jr? Might this be a rare Ivanka sighting? 

The crowd went insane when a giant papier-mache' bald eagle, legs spread wide, claws holding only arrows, was lowered to the stage. Then it dawned on them that they were looking right at the eagle's pussy. "Do eagles have pussies?" they wondered and went onto their smarter phones to find out. But they didn't have time because, all of a sudden, two tiny hands emerged and grabbed the eagle's pussy. Donald Trump slowly, with some assistance, emerged, birthed onto the stage by the symbol of America. And he was dressed in professional wrestler spandex, red, white, blue, stars, stripes, the whole flag as "God Bless the USA" surged through the speakers, so loud that some ears began to bleed, but their owners didn't care. Bleed away, for God, for country.

"The American Dream is back," Trump announced, gesturing at his grotesquely padded groin. "It's bigger and better, and stronger than ever before. 2016 was not merely another four-year election. This was a defining moment in American history." Then he did a pro wrestler walk around the stage, arms up, soaking in the heaving, frothing love from the surging crowd. He gestured upward at a cage suspended above him. It held several dolls that looked like Central American migrants. "Now bring me the alligator," he said.

Two Secret Service agents came out with a large, lethargic, likely drugged alligator. They put it on the ground and stood guard with guns ready as Trump shooed them back. If it was possible, the people in the crowd went even crazier, recognizing the state sport of Florida. They tore their clothes and clawed their faces in ecstasy. The president of the United States flopped onto the alligator and rolled around with him for a little while before getting on the creature's back, pulling its head back, and putting his chin out with the alligator's upturned head held behind his chin, as one does. In that position, Trump cried out, "Many times I said, 'We would drain the swamp.' And that's exactly what we're doing right now, we're draining the swamp. And that's why the swamp is fighting back so viciously and violently." He stood up and waved at the agents to take the alligator away. 

He did another winner's triumphant walk around the stage and then a man without a shirt who was wearing a Barack Obama mask came out. His obviously white skin had been half-ass coated with brown makeup, and he wore a sash that said, "Kenya's #1 son" on it. He danced around a little, shucking and jiving, doing a proper Jim Crow jig for the laughing, hooting crowd. Then he acted like he was going to wrestle Trump. But Trump had other ideas.

Once again, the Secret Service agents came out, and they handed Trump a long bullwhip. The Obama-masked man realized what was happening and tried to get away, but he was held steady by the agents.  Obviously panicking, he pulled off the mask to reveal that he was Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, a white man, and there was silence. Trump smirked at the crowd and gestured for them to put the Obama mask back on him, which made the crowd so much more comfortable.

As he unfurled the whip, Trump said, "Remember, President Obama's famous line caught on the open mic, secretly telling the Russian president to quote, 'Inform Vladimir that after my election I'll have more flexibility.' Okay. Remember that?" And he whipped Mulvaney/Obama's back, and the audience lost their goddamn minds with shouts and screams. "Remember that?" he repeated. And he whipped again, with Obama's cries just making Trump's supporters practically orgasmic. The Proud Boys could be seen openly weeping in joy. "Lot of people remember that, I remembered it." Whip. "I saw it happen." Whip. "I didn't like it." Whip. Welted up and slumped over, the sweat and blood washing the brown off his skin, Trump nodded and Mulvaney/Obama was taken off stage. 

When the person in a pants suit and a Hillary Clinton mask came out, people wondered who it might be. Now, finally, there might be some actual wrestling because Hillary got into a wrestler's pose. Trump waddled over to Hillary and turned to the crowd to say, "The only collusion was committed by the Democrats, the fake news media and their operatives and the people who funded the phony dossier, crooked Hillary Clinton and the DNC" before picking up Hillary and body slamming her onto the stage. To be fair to Hillary, it looked like she did most of the work. But it still seemed to honestly stun her. The mask slipped a bit and white hair peeked through. Obviously, it was Vice President Mike Pence.

Then he adjusted and became Hillary again, shaking her finger at Trump, facing off against her 2016 nemesis who refused to let go of his victory.  Trump went on the attack again, knocking Hillary to the floor saying, ""If you want to know how the system is rigged, just compare how they came after us for three years with everything they had, versus the free pass they gave to Hillary and her aides after they set up an illegal server," Trump started to smash Hillary's head against the floor again and again. "Destroyed evidence, deleted, and acid washed 33,000 e-mails." You could hear Pence's raspy, weak voice shout, "Mother!" as if it was a safe word. 

No safety would be found for Pence or his Hillary because, goddamnit, it was Trump's rally.

Slowly crawling to get off the stage, Trump pulled Pence/Hillary back, pulled down the white pants, shoved down his tights, and, just before thrusting his dick into Pence's ass (for, indeed, he may have been wearing a Hillary mask, but it was Mike Pence's ass), he said, "They called us deplorables, that was a mistake. That was a big mistake. I'll never forget. I was making a speech after Hillary used the word deplorables, and I didn't think it was that bad, you know why? She used another word. You know what the other word was?" Then, plunged in, Pence confused and, from one angle, aroused, Trump yelled, "She said, deplorables and irredeemables. I think that was worse!" as he pumped and pumped, his orange face now a deep crimson. 

By this point, the entire Amway Center had become a giant fuck fest, with bellies slapping against asses and fingers in pussies and sphincters and faces buried in cock. The children there were told to watch, that this is what the real America is, that this is how real Americans behave, that women should be raped and black men should be beaten and refugees should be caged and, hey, where are the queers, we should get them, too, and, goddamnit, don't you want this America to be the America you inherit? No, don't fuckin' talk to us about climate change and how the streets of Florida towns flood every high tide. That shit's not real. You want Trump's America where reality is a myth and myth is reality and you can fuck your daughter if she's hot.

Of course, Trump came first. And then he stood up and watched, pleased at the undulating pile of white asses and the scent of cum and juices and sweat. To keep them going, he took the microphone and cried out, "Our radical Democrat opponents are driven by hatred, prejudice, and rage. They want to destroy you and they want to destroy our country, as we know it. Not acceptable, it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen." The cage opened and the migrant dolls fell onto the stage, with an uncomfortably loud and convincing thud as Trump kicked them off the edge.

Then, as the mass of fucking, barely distinguishable human bodies started to disentangle, Trump cooed, "We have been blessed by God with the greatest nation on the face of the earth and we are going to keep it that way. We are going to keep it that way." Then he grabbed the eagle by the pussy again and exited through it.

After the speech, the news media rolled their eyes and laughed, saying it was just Trump being Trump and that Democrats should think about how to win over those voters.

New Episode of Another Goddamn Podcast: Fox News Poisons Us All

I've got a new episode of Another Goddamn Podcast up now. I'm talking with Reece Peck, author of Fox Populism: Branding Conservatism as Working Class, about how Fox "news" pissed in the well of American politics and paved the damned way for Trump's presidency. It's a fascinating, smart discussion with a fascinating, smart person.

Check it out here. Or on your own pod players. And rate this motherfucker.




Also, listen to my fellow chatterers on the Sexy Liberal Podcast Network. It's pretty awesome shit right there.

6/17/2019

Random Shit from Trump's Dumb, Weird Interview on ABC

Whenever President Dementia J. Pumpkinface gives a lengthy interview, as he did with ABC's George Stephanopoulos last week, you know it's going to be the rhetorical equivalent of watching a morbidly obese nude man attempting to force his head over his gut to suck his own dick while at the same time reaming his ass out with a giant, fist-shaped dildo, and when he finally just cums on his face, he smiles at you, sweaty and jizzy, fully expecting your applause for this feat of self-pleasuring contortion when, really, you just wanted the whole thing to end before it started and you feel filthy and nauseous for even giving him the attention he wanted, regretting all the decisions in your life that brought you to this moment.

The interview had already garnered headlines for a clip where Trump pretty much invited foreign governments to give him information on his political opponents, which would be, you know, collusion, and he wouldn't report a thing to the FBI. But the whole interview is something to behold. It is a portrait of a criminal and a madman with all the power anyone in the world could possibly possess and he's so dumb that he just cares about how cool and tough he looks. Seriously, the only thing that's holding Trump back from going full Mussolini is how fucking lazy, physically and intellectually, he is.

It's hard to pinpoint the most enraging, pathetic part of the interview.

It might be Trump's response when Stephanopoulos is talking to him about whether he can trust North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. Trump says, "Almost of any undeveloped country anywhere in the world, that country has the chance to be economically a behemoth." Stephanopoulos brings up how Kim is "imprisoning" and "starving" the people there. Trump scoffs, "I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about from an economic standpoint. He's between China, Russia...It's all in the oceans. It's phenomenal. It's-- it's a phenomenal location. That country can be so rich. And he knows that." You hear that and you gotta think that our motherfucking president is talking to Kim about building a fucking hotel there, enslaved and tortured people be damned.

It might be when Trump goes full Mamet talking about the fact that he was trying to get a Trump Tower built in Moscow. Stephanopoulos says that Trump was "pursuing it," which leads to this line that could be out of Hell's dinner theatre version of Glengarry Glen Ross: "Excuse me, excuse me. Pursuing, what does pursuing mean? You know because someone walks in, says, 'Hey we’re looking at...' Do you know that I don’t even think they had a site? I don’t even think they knew who was going to do the deal. It was a concept of a deal, more of a concept than anything else. It was a concept of a deal someplace in Russia, probably in Moscow." Yeah, motherfucker, that's "pursuing." Words have meaning. Or maybe they don't anymore. Who fuckin' knows.

It might be one of the many times that Trump loses his shit and spouts legitimate insanity about the Mueller report, about Robert Mueller, about James Comey, about anyone he perceives is trying to get him. He says, "Did nothing wrong, George. Did nothing wrong. There was no collusion. You don't even hear Russia mentioned anymore...There was no collusion. You don't even hear Russia mentioned anymore. Russ- Russia's not mentioned. Now, it's all about obstruct-- obstruction of what? They built up a phony crime. They hired a man that hated Trump. He hired 18 people that were Democrats that hated Trump. Some of them contributed to Clinton's campaign. A couple of them worked for Clinton. I mean, what kind of a rigged deal is this? And then on top of it, after two years and after being the most transparent in history, I gave them 1.5 million pages of documents, right? I gave them four or five hundred witnesses." Trump didn't "give them" witnesses. That's how many were interviewed. Trump sees himself as controlling every fucking thing. And goes to paranoia-land rather than just shut the fuck up, which he totally could do about this. "No comment" is an answer. Not this self-aggrandizing prick. He's like Nixon on Adderall.

Beyond the dictator worship and the mob boss/tough guy bullshit and the refusal to believe that words have definitions beyond what he gives them, one consistent thread through the interview is Trump being so goddamn arrogant about what he knows. "I know more about prosecutors than you'll ever know," he tells Stephanopoulos. "People don't understand tariffs, but I understand them," he tells Stephanopoulos right after demonstrating that he doesn't understand tariffs. And, of course, his complete knowledge of America's past: "There's never been a time in the history of our country where somebody was so mistreated as I have been." This doesn't even get into the multiple times that Trump says the Mueller report exonerates him on "collusion" with Russia, which Stephanopoulos challenges him on every single time, and Trump insists that he's read the report, which, you know, c'mon.

Yet my favorite moment might be when Trump insists that Article II of the Constitution gives him the broad power to fire whoever he wants, obstruction be damned. He tells Stephanopoulos to "Read it for your audience" as Stephanopoulos insists he knows what's in it and tries to question Trump about Article II. Trump interrupts a question that was no doubt going to require actual knowledge of Article II and not just an idiot's insistence that he read it. He says, "You know what? Let's get onto another subject." Yeah, maybe let's not talk about the Constitution with the Rhodes scholar who worked in the White House for four years.

It was just one obscene degradation of the presidency and the country after another, worse than most Trump appearances because he was so obviously faking it, so obviously lying about shit he's lied about over and over, so obviously relying on a moron's bullying bravado to get him through it, so impressed by the smell of his own shit that he couldn't help himself from shitting more.

When he was done, Trump asked Mick Mulvaney, who was choking on a cough, for a towel to wipe the spunk off his face, some of the orange skin dye coming off with it. Then he winked at Stephanopoulos as he undulated away. Stephanopoulos barely made it to the Rose Garden before he started vomiting in self-hatred for having forced himself to endure that performance and for whatever part he played in making it happen.

(Note: No insult meant to people who get sexual pleasure watching morbidly obese men attempt auto-fellatio while dildo-fisting their own assholes until they ejaculate on their faces. It's a niche kink, sure, but, hey, enjoy. However, if one did not sign up for that, it would likely be a bit disturbing.)

6/14/2019

Bricks and Babies: You Can't Win a Fight Against the Delusional

If you ever happen to find yourself in Waskom, Texas, a tiny burg across the Louisiana state line off I-20, a place best described as "twister bait," you might wanna head on over to the Great American Mural that covers the front of the We Buy Houses 123 building in the middle of town. It's a mighty huge thing, what with its portrayal of the Twin Towers at the World Trade Center in a dull, gray New York City; an extraordinarily masculine Statue of Liberty; and images of Waskom's heroes, including the fire chief and Turbo, a local dog who has two purple hearts from his time in Afghanistan. This is not to mention the aircraft and helicopter on there, the Iwo Jima part, and more.

It's charming in a hyper-nationalist way. It looks like if Shepard Fairey went bankrupt and figured he'd grift the rubes for some quick cash.

Yeah, they love them some Uhmerka there in Waskom. I bet all 2200 of the locals just love the fuck out of Uhmerka. And the Waskom City Council decided to prove just how fucking much they love Uhmerka by passing a local law that defies the U.S. Supreme Court, which is absent from the mural.

Yup, the five-white-guy council unanimously voted to ban abortion in Waskom, except in cases of "rape, incest or serious risk to the mother's life." It's obviously a completely unenforceable, utterly useless law. But Waskom won't be shown up by those uppity states like Alabama and Mississippi. The council declared Waskom a "sanctuary city for the unborn," which, get it?, is a totally hilarious slap in the face to sanctuary cities for undocumented immigrants. Take that, libtards.

(Question: If an undocumented immigrant in Waskom is pregnant and a fetus is a person at the time of conception, is the fetus now American? If not, is Waskom a sanctuary city for the undocumented unborn? I need to know the limitations here.)

The country is going through a period of peak madness about abortion rights. I was on the phone with a pal in a deep red part of North Carolina last night who said he generally tries to avoid talking politics down there, but he found himself in a conversation about it with a man, an acquaintance from Virginia. The man said he didn't understand how anyone could vote for Democrats because we allow doctors to take babies who are just born and kill them with a brick.

My response was "Ok, first off, that's fucking insane. Second, a brick? Who needs that mess? Babies are easier to kill with your bare hands."

Apparently, the man explained, New York passed a law that said it was cool to commit infanticide by brick. My pal said to the man, "Yeah, that's not in there. Did you read the New York law?" No, the man said, but he had heard. "That's your problem," my pal explained. "You heard. You don't know."

But no one gives a shit about science and reality. I regularly get people telling me on the Twitter machine that liberals support murdering newborns. That's where the conversation on abortion is right now for too fucking many Americans. In other words, there is no conversation. When people wholeheartedly believe something that is completely, patently, blatantly untrue, your puny facts aren't going to put a dent in that level of delusional stupidity.

Waskom, Texas, doesn't have a clinic that performs abortions. The nearest one is across the state line, in Shreveport, Louisiana, about 30 miles away. It's over 160 miles to the one in Dallas. So no woman is going to get an abortion in Waskom that she doesn't induce herself. And the jury's still out on whether that means Killion's Pharmacy is gonna carry the morning after pill. Either way, abortion isn't a an issue in Waskom.

What is a problem there is meth. They found e coli in the town's water source. There have been at least two murders this year, which gives Waskom a higher murder rate than most of the big cities in the United States, as well as a number of assaults.

Like so many other places in this damned land, the yahoos have been convinced that something that isn't an issue at all must take precedent over real issues. That protecting a fetus is more important than securing the lives of the actually living. Here is how one Waskom resident put it on Facebook: "The Town of Waskom agreed to run the city according to the will of God in regards to the Right To Life. We expect to be challenged but God is on our side so we have faith that every challenge will be overcome with prayer and steady faithfulness to do the Lord's Will."

You gotta know what you're up against. Your Twitter or Insta feeds aren't gonna tell you that. This shit is out there and it's nuts. They think we're bashing in babies' heads with bricks. You're not gonna convince that person that they're wrong. You're not gonna rationalize and present reasonable counter arguments. You gotta write them off for now and concentrate on shoring up the power of the sane people.

6/13/2019

Trump: Let's Do Some Collusion, Motherfuckers

President Chucklefuck McBloatface had multiple reasons for telling ABC News's George Stephanopoulos that he'd gobble up information from a foreign government about his political opponent in 2020 like an eager cum whore swallows jizz at a Pride Month circle jerk. First, if he said that he'd go to the FBI, he'd be admitting that he or Jared "Dead Boy Eyes" Kushner or "good young man" Donald Trump, Jr., did something wrong when they were offered (checks notes) information from a foreign government about his political opponent in 2016. And this vile shithead would never say he was wrong.

This is part of the strategy of declaring, repeatedly, that what was laid out in the Mueller report wasn't a crime on the Trump campaign's part, that whether or not there was "collusion" was besides the point. A few months ago, Rudy Giuliani, pausing while drinking the blood of an infant, stated flatly that taking information from a foreign government, even if that information was stolen, was not criminal. The only reason Mueller didn't charge Dead Eyes or Good Young Man with a crime is because he's pretty sure they were too fucking stupid to know that what they were doing by meeting with Russians was a crime.

One thing Trump said was kind of interesting. He compared getting this information to "oppo research," and that's led throbbing assholes like Lindsey Graham to speciously compare it to the Steele dossier, which brought the connection between Trump and Russia to the FBI's attention (via John McCain). While trying to split this really wide hair (research on an opponent that a candidate contracts someone to do is not the same as Syria showing up and saying, "I've got emails we stole. Let's have a secret meeting and boogie"), Trump said, "I would guarantee you that 90 percent, could be 100 percent, of the congressmen or the senators over there, have had meetings--if they didn’t they probably wouldn’t be elected-- on negative information about their opponent." When pressed by Stephanopoulos on even if the meetings were with agents of foreign countries, Trump said, "Possibly. Possibly. But they don’t call the FBI. You don’t call the FBI every time you hear something that maybe--now, you see the people."

Now, you could look at this as Trump covering his ass after he said he'd commit a crime. But another way to see that comment on members of Congress is as a threat. Because if the only people who can do anything to stop him are in Congress, then you can sure as shit bet that he's gonna let them know that they're gonna go down with him if they gun for him on this. Yeah, I think that was a warning that he's got the goods on (most likely) Republicans and the help they've gotten from other nations. I think that was him saying that they better build a wall with their bodies around him or he'll burn it all down before he takes the fall.

Of course, Trump was also announcing to the world that he's open for business. "C'mon, China and Russia, grab me by the pussy," Trump was saying, "I love it." You only do that shit if you're already in so far deep that it doesn't fucking matter anymore. And you're an idiot. So it's clearly Trumpian.

A couple of Republicans have spoken out to say, "Well, gee, that's not right." And Democrats have fumed a mighty fume and even tried to get a law passed that did something that doesn't matter because it was blocked by sentient turdpile Mitch McConnell.

That last part is particularly galling because Democrats should be going to fucking war today. See, one other thing that Trump did in the interview that hasn't really been reported is that he once again accused Hillary Clinton and Democrats of committing crimes. Yeah, that's right. Right after admitting that he didn't give a shit if he or any politician breaks the law, he got all self-righteous about Clinton again. In one of his verbal diarrhea blasts, Trump said, "She deleted 33,000 emails from--sent by the United States Congress. They gave a subpoena to Hillary Clinton for 33,000 emails. After the subpoena was gotten, she deleted them. That’s called obstruction. And her lawyer should also be looked at because her lawyer--she’s got to have the greatest lawyer on earth because she does that, he did the deleting, supposedly. Not only did they delete, but they acid washed them."

We don't need to go through all the lies in that. And while Trump didn't specifically say that Clinton should be in jail, he did tell Stephanopoulos, "If you did that, you would’ve been put in jail."

Jesus fuck, Democrats, at least have the guts to defend your own.

(Note: If your reaction to this is that the United States interferes in foreign elections and we're just getting payback, well, you are so very smart. Have a cookie. And shut the fuck up because a whole hell of a lot of us think that meddling in other countries' elections is wrong no matter who does it.)

6/12/2019

Proposal: Stop Being Assholes About Immigration

Admittedly, it was an intentionally provocative comment I made yesterday in a group of people who didn't want to talk about politics. Someone had brought up how she hates Trump, other were telling her to keep it to herself, and so I said, "Well, for me, it comes down to this: You're either pro-babies in cages or you're anti-babies in cages. I happen to be anti. That shouldn't be a controversial position."

"Where are babies in cages?" another woman asked.

"We're keeping kids and babies in camps," I said, surprised that she didn't know this. "The United States. We've put kids in large cages. We just have."

A man said, "What should we do with them?"

For me, the answer was obvious. "Not put them in cages," I responded.

A second man said, "You know how many women get raped by the coyotes who are taking them across the deserts to here? Women and young girls take contraception because they know they're going to be raped." And then he started talking about rape trees, which you can look up if you want.

I said, "What's your point? That migrants are treated shitty when they're trying to get to the United States? That at least we're not raping them? Just because someone else hurts people worse doesn't mean we get a pass on hurting them less. We should be better. Way better." And I went off on how, after the torture of Iraqi prisoners and detainees by American soldiers was revealed, some people would say shit like "You should see how they treat them in Syria or Saudi Arabia," as if the fact that we're not ripping off fingernails excuses our waterboarding.

Basically, though, my point was to stop putting babies or, hell, anybody who hasn't committed a crime in a cage. And let's be as absolutely fucking clear as can be: if you travel to the United States and present yourself at a port of entry to ask for asylum, you are not committing a crime. And if you cross into the US elsewhere and ask for asylum when border agents pick you and your family up, you've committed at most a misdemeanor, illegal entry.

The nihilistic policies of the Trump administration, which basically come down to "Give us money or fuck you," whether it has to do with climate change or with aid to Central American countries, are helping to drive the rise in migrants. In other words, we are fucking up the lives of people whose lives are so fucked up that they would rather face a journey filled with potential violence and being put in a cage or concentration camp than face the starvation, violence, and misery of their homes. They're so desperate that they're crossing the flood-swollen Rio Grande River and canals near El Paso, Texas, and some are likely dying right there at the border.

So maybe we could stop that last part. Maybe we could stop being assholes, at least to the children. Because right now, we're the fucking assholes. That's a choice we're making as a country, to be assholes. We could also choose not to be assholes.

How much are we being assholes? At the Paso del Norte International Bridge in El Paso, over 100 men are being held in what one observer described as a "human dog pound." They're in an open pen in the 100 plus degree heat, and some have been there over a month without a change of clothes or shower. All for not breaking the law.

Kids are supposed to be held for no more than 20 days before being released to family or foster care, but, you know, that's not happening. And professional coprophage Lindsey Graham has proposed extending that to a punitive 100 days on the notion that "the incentives created by our laws will cease to exist;" thus, "This humanitarian disaster will begin to repair itself." Someone tell this milksop motherfucker that people who just walked thousands of miles don't give a fuck about your 100 days.

Again, this is about us. This is about who we are. We are in a situation where the number of migrants has gone up sharply, despite Donald Trump's worthless threats and mad gesticulations and spittle-spraying speeches. We can continue to respond like the assholes we're being by trying to punish our way out of it, opening more and more concentration camps, including a site where Japanese Americans were interred during World War II. We can continue hurtful policies like making migrants wait in Mexico, where they have to stay in crime-ridden border towns and face homelessness and possible deportation if they're forced to stay too long by the backlog of asylum cases in the US.

Or maybe, just maybe we could respond with humanity, with treating them like human beings seeking help and comfort. We could fund the efforts at the border fully in a way that helps migrants. We could act like we're part of a goddamn society and not a bunch of fuckin' savages trying to out-brutal the other savages.

6/07/2019

Just Stop It: Trump Didn't Rise to Any Damn Occasion in Europe

It's absolutely ludicrous that Donald Trump is getting praise for his appearance at the 75th anniversary of the D-Day invasion in Normandy. Sure, he read a speech that a reasonably eloquent fifth-grader could have written, and he didn't even pause to say how much the property there was worth or how he could have killed Hitler single-handedly with a secret plan he had. Obviously, everyone thought Bumblefuck O'Douchenozzle was gonna saunter up to the lectern, fart into the mic, shit on the gathered leaders, and scream, "Do you love me now, Vladdy?"

But just because he acted vaguely normal, the motherfucker didn't all of a sudden become a goddamn statesman. If our mark of success is now "Oh, good, he didn't teabag the Queen," then nothing really fucking matters anymore.

Besides, in just about every other circumstance, Trump was the blithering cockknob he usually is. He said that the UK's National Health Service would be on the table for trade negotiations (before walking that back since, if true, it would probably end Brexit immediately). He didn't seem to understand that Ireland wasn't part of the UK and that a border wall with Northern Ireland would pretty much lead to an explosion of violence. He insulted Nancy Pelosi and Robert Mueller while talking to Fox "news" by those Normandy graves. And he was fucking obsessed with Queen Elizabeth and the royal family, saying that "There are those that say they have never seen the queen have a better time, a more animated time," and you just think that, if it's true, how fucking awful the queen's life must have been for her first 93 years.

Truly, being royalty who are just figureheads with almost no real power must seem like a dream for Trump. Everyone gives you money and a gold house and all you gotta do is wave from a carriage every now and then? That's a gig. Trump must love that shit.

Hell, in his hell-interview with insufferable twatflea Piers Morgan, Trump fairly jacked off, "I really like the royal family and of course headed by the queen who is a woman like few others." I hope Elizabeth had Her Majesty's Pussy Guard with her at all times to prevent any grabbing.

That interview was filled with weird and ominous and confoundingly dumb things from Trump. At one point, Morgan asked Trump if Prince Charles talked to him about climate change, an issue that Charles has been working on for years. Look at Trump's response: "He's doing this for future generations. He really feels. And this is this is real. He believes that. He wants to have a world that's good for future generations...He doesn't need that. You know he is Prince Charles. He doesn't have to worry about future generations in theory unless he's a very good person who cares about people."

That's some sociopathic shit right there. Most of us would think it's just being a goddamned human being to "worry about future generations." For a narcissistic lump of rotting scrotum skin like Trump, one has to be "a very good person who cares about people" to give a damn what happens to one's descendants.

And, hell, we all know that Trump only views things in his Trumpishly myopic mirror, admiring how incredible he is at all times, but he's so extravagantly narcissistic, like so bad that you'd think every now and then his reflection would say, "Can you give me a fuckin' break for a little while?"

Talking about the military, Trump made it seem like he alone was funding it: "I -- look $700 billion I gave last year and then this year $716 billion." Bitch, that didn't come out of your wallet. We're all fuckin' paying for it.

And when Morgan compared the Trumps to the long history of the royal family and asked, "Would you like to have a 3000-year bloodline?" Trump answered, no shit, "I think it'll be great. I don't know what I'd be doing for the rest of it but I think it would be great." Yeah, he understood the question as Morgan asking him if he'd like to live for 3000 years. God fucking damn, he's dumb.

Trump also reduced everything to money, to how successful people are, to how tough they are as negotiators. Talking about the Vietnam War, which he missed because of (bullshit) bone spurs, he said, "Nobody ever, you know, you're talking about Vietnam and at that time nobody ever heard of the country. Today they're doing very well, in fact on trade they are brutal. They're very brutal." Putting aside the fact that he's admitting he didn't know anything about Vietnam (lots of people had "heard" of it), it's like he wants us to know...what?...now they torture us in trade talks?

The most jarring moment was probably his praise of the gambling ability of the motherfucker who murdered 58 people and injured over 400 in the Las Vegas massacre. The President of the United States said of this white terrorist, "He was actually a pretty smart guy. He was supposedly a good successful gambler and there's almost no such thing as a successful gambler. And he went out and he -- what he did was incredible." I mean, sure, he's one of the biggest mass murderers in history, but, damn, that dude could rock the Texas Hold 'Em table at Caesar's Palace.

Goddamn us for electing this yutz.

Two other things from that bad acid trip of an interview.

First, of course he mentioned his 2016 election. "I had an inauguration, which I have to say was spectacular. And we had a big election night win that was, you know, one of the great evenings," he said. Yes, Gramps, we know. Now tell us again about the time you banged porn stars.

And when Morgan pressed him on banning transgender soldiers from the US military, Trump not only completely upended the supposed (bullshit) justification, which was unit cohesion or some such shit. He punked out and essentially said his hands were tied because of military regulations on drug usage. No, really: "You have very strict rules and regulations on drugs and prescription drugs and all of these different things and they [transgender soldiers] blow it out of the water."

This was one of many, many head-smacking, embarrassing moments on this loony sideshow. Yeah, Trump read a fuckin' speech and didn't accidentally knock over a D-Day veteran. Eisenhower must have been rolling over and over and over in his grave. Patton must have wanted to shove his hand up from the ground and smack Trump's smarmy, wimpy mug. Down in Hell, Hitler must have thought it was good to be represented at the ceremony.

6/04/2019

Our Government Is a Child Abuser

Of all the terrible fuckery undertaken by the savage cockfleas and cuntmites that make up the administration of awkwardly-dressed dump truck Donald Trump, the most clearly visible, most heinous, most just outright evil is the treatment of migrant children who cross into this country at the southern border. Whether alone or with their parents, they are almost all fleeing horrors - poverty, rape, violence - that are severe enough for them to be sent or taken on the enormous journey from, say, Guatemala to the United States, hoping to God or whoever that they will have a chance to survive in peace.

And while we've never been as high and mighty as our politicians tell us we are, while we've been assholes and fucked up on immigration policy, while we've cruelly been deporting people for minor reasons for years, it was never the actual policy of the United States to abuse children. 

Right now, what else can you call the treatment of undocumented migrant children seeking asylum in the United States but child abuse, advocated, aided, and abetted by the federal government?

In the last week, a series of reports has continued to reveal that not only has the Trump administration, especially the Border Patrol, DHS, and HHS, done nothing to reform the mistreatment that occurred previously, but it has continued with the abuse and torture of children under the bullshit umbrella of "detention." 

The Washington Post reported that thousands of unaccompanied children, some 12 and younger, are being held in Border Patrol facilities well past the three days that they are supposed to be held before they are released to HHS and the Office of Refugee Relocation to find them places to stay, whether with family already in the United States or foster families. And if you're thinking, "Well, a few extra days won't hurt anyone," here's what the Post said they saw on a visit to the border: "Adults and their toddler children were packed into concrete holding cells, many of them sleeping head-to-foot on the floor and along the wall-length benches....Outside in the parking lot, a chain-link fence enclosure held dozens of women and children, many of them eschewing the air-conditioned tents to lie on the pavement." 

The Huffington Post reported that, at one detention facility in Homestead, Florida, according to a lawsuit recently filed, "Immigrant children described being put in isolation for eight days, deprived of physical touch and constantly sobbing." You're not allowed to touch anyone, not even a hug; you are watched by cameras at all times; you get two 10-minute calls with family a week, and tough shit if no one answers. They are living in a prison under prison-like rules without having even been accused of a crime. (Remember: It's totally legal to come here and ask for asylum.)

NBC News reported that documents they've obtained show the utter incompetence and chaos that raged when Trump's DHS was forced to reunify children with parents they had been forcefully separated from under the inhumane "Zero Tolerance" policy. These motherfuckers never had any intention of getting families back together; they wanted to punish people for daring to bring their brown, bedraggled asses to darken our virgin white City on a Hill. It was so bad that, outside one adult detention center in Texas, vans filled with children as young as five were backed up because they didn't have the people to process them. The kids were locked in the July 2018 Texas heat in the vans. "Not until 39 hours later — after two nights in a van — did the last child step out of a van to be reunited. Most spent at least 23 hours in the vehicles," the report says. 

This aligns perfectly with the cruel revelation that few records were kept identifying which kids, some of whom are babies and toddlers, went with which families. It's taken nearly a year to get most of the couple of thousand kids reunited with their parents and loved ones. But they still haven't been able to do so for a few dozen. And it's not that their parents are criminals or some such shit. The government just don't know how to reunite them. 

And this is not to mention the dead kids.

Or the lapses in or absence of medical care. 

Or the fact that Trump wants to expand the detention centers into larger, full-fledged concentration camps rather than just release people on their own recognizance, the vast, vast majority of whom do show up for their court dates on asylum. 

There's more. There's always more. About newborns separated from their mothers. About sexual abuse of kids in the detention centers. Mostly, it's about treating one category of humans as sub-human. Which, you know, is how racism works.

I'm tired of the quotidian cruelty of our leaders. The blithe assertion of brute power is one of the ugliest aspects of the grotesquely ugly ideology of conservatism. And to assert it over poor, sick, terrified kids in a nation we're constantly told is the richest, greatest, best in the history of the world just means that those leading it are abject, irredeemable dicks.

The faces of these kids should be part of any campaign against Republicans. They should have to answer for it. Because we should demand to not be a part of a country that thinks this shit is okay. 

5/31/2019

Two Days After Mueller's Statement, the Path Is Clearer Than Ever

There's one thing that the Democratic Party doesn't get. It's something that individual Democrats understand quite well and they reap the rewards from it. And it goes like this: People want to follow fighters. You can add to that: The fight needs to be absolutely clear. That can be policy based, as in Medicare for All or, if you're a fucking lying prickscab, "Mexico will pay for the wall." But it can also be tactical.

See, Democrats can have all the hearings they want. They can have all the subpoena fights the judicial system can handle. A dozen committees and subcommittees can have witnesses and experts testify about the criminality of the Trump administration. But no one is gonna give a single shit about those things except all the assholes who are constantly checking Twitter to see who "destroyed" who in a 3-minute video. (Note: Yeah, I'm one of those assholes, and it has made me seek the comfort of vicodin and vodka, a V&V cocktail that can straight murder you if you're not careful.)

What people can get their heads around is a single, simple concept: impeachment. It crystallizes all that other shit into a concept that is analogous to "fight." As in, "Holy Christ, Democrats are finally gonna stop being such punk-ass bitches and actually fight this dumb orange motherfucker who is wrecking the joint. About fuckin' time."

I fucking guarantee that as soon as an impeachment inquiry is opened, Democrats will be jizzing themselves so hard that they'll do anything to keep that orgasm going. The excitement it would elicit in the left and a good deal of the center would be akin to a surfer hitting the barrel of a wave just right. Jesus, what a feeling. I fucking guarantee that polling on support for impeachment would go up immediately. That's why it's called "leadership." You go first and others follow. And the right would lose its fucking mind, which would be as delicious as eating whipped cream off an angel's nipple.

Look, there is only one rational conclusion to draw from Special Counsel and not-the-hero-we-needed Robert Mueller's weird statement on Wednesday. I say "weird" because it could seem like he was just casting some bones and telling us to read their prophecies. And he delivered it in a nervous, exhausted tone that said he just wanted to go fishing already. But, still, what he was saying was pretty fuckin' clear: Russia interfered in our elections, and, holy fuckballs, why aren't we doing anything about that? And President Donald Trump sure as shit obstructed the investigation.

I mean, seriously, you have to be willingly obfuscating or so slobberingly brainwashed that you eat and shit MAGA to misunderstand Mueller. Or you have to be guilty. "[I]f we had had confidence that the president clearly did not commit a crime," Mueller said, "we would have said so." And then in the very next part, he said why he couldn't therefore say the president did commit a crime: because of the bullshit Department of Justice memorandum. In other words, the president committed a crime, and so did a lot of others. But he can't just say that.

Why didn't Mueller say, "Fuck it. Impeach the motherfucker already"? Because I fucking promise you they would have punished him. They'd have taken away his pension or some such shit because he violated DOJ policy. It would have been a battle. No matter what globular Attorney General and Man Most Likely to Be Trump's Footrest William Barr says now about how Mueller could have indicted Trump, if Mueller had, they would have done everything in their cynical, foul power to wreck him because that's what they do.

The other thing is that Mueller is a Republican, and he likely honestly believed that Republicans would do the right thing because, and it can't be said enough, the motherfucking Russians interfered in our election to harm one specific candidate, Hillary Clinton, and get another specific candidate, Donald Trump, elected. If Mueller has faith in the GOP to act honorably, then that is his tragic flaw.

But let's return for one moment to the findings of the Special Counsel's investigation. Mueller stated in no uncertain terms, as directly as we would have hoped he could have been on Trump, that they found clear evidence of Russian interference, which led to multiple indictments. That means your vote was manipulated by lies that were amplified by Trump and his campaign. You can lie to yourself and say that Trump didn't "collude" (or, to use the legal term, "conspire") with the Russians, but there is no hedging on the fact that Trump and his goons and lackeys gladly touted the information that was stolen from the Democrats and all the false allegations against Hillary Clinton.  Are you good with that? Are you okay with a foreign government using, well, fake news to make you want to vote a certain way? Or perhaps even just hack into voting machines and change your vote?

See, Democrats don't have to go after Trump for conspiring. They can go after his refusal to acknowledge that Russia did what our own investigations say it did. They can go after his refusal to get behind the efforts to protect the vote. They can go after his disturbing faith in Vladimir Putin. In other words, they can go after Trump for dereliction of duty, for violating his oath of office, and for being such an egomaniacal prick that the legitimacy of his election is more important than the legitimacy of our entire democratic system.

Impeachment would tie together so many threads for Americans. And, goddamnit, Mueller should testify before a House committee because we're not a reading people in the USA. Hell, just having Mueller repeat shit like a live podcast of his report would probably do more to turn the tide against Trump than all the printed words they can muster. (And he could answer whether or not he wanted the FBI post that Trump says he wanted.)

And Democrats better do this shit soon because Trump is listening to some nutzoid ratfuckers on this. Not only did he say in his mad rant yesterday that a court wouldn't "allow" impeachment (the Supreme Court has nothing to do with it until the trial in the Senate after impeachment, where the Chief Justice presides), he said to reporters, "Someday, you ought to read a thing called Article 2.  Read Article 2, which gives the President powers that you wouldn’t believe.  But I don’t even have to rely on Article 2."

Yeah, you can try to stop him now with impeachment or you can wait until he comes up with a pretext to shitcan the Congress while Republicans totally agree they should give him all the power.

5/28/2019

The Problem Is That Mitch McConnell Doesn't Give a Fuck About Ethics, Morality, or Law While Democrats Do

You can't understand the Devil until the Devil shows you his works. Oh, you may think you grasp what the Devil is capable of; you think it's all just monstrous acts of sharp object sodomy and the extravagant, cruel lies the Devil uses to justify his devilish fuckery. But what most people don't understand until they see the Devil in action is that it's far, far worse when the Devil abandons lies and gives you the truth. Then you look in the face of an honest Devil and you are utterly lost because you knew what was true. You just didn't think the Devil would grin so broadly when he told it to you.

The reason that Democrats seem so hapless in the face of Republican savagery is that Democrats don't grasp the depth of the moral and ethical void in the center of the GOP. They keep telling themselves that Lucifer was once an angel and he can be one again, ignoring that Lucifer doesn't fuckin' want to go back to boring ol' Heaven. They cling to this pathetic hope like a log in a flood, except they ignore the snake on the log that has no problem biting them to death.

Today, malevolent dry turd Mitch McConnell, who is the goddamn Senate Majority Leader, was at a luncheon at the Chamber of Commerce of Paducah, Kentucky (motto: "Sure, we're filthy with heroin and racism, but we have a quilting museum!"). He was asked, "Should a Supreme Court justice die next year, what will your position be on filling that spot?" See, this is a reference to 2016, when Justice Antonin Scalia died and McConnell declared that the seat shouldn't be filled until after the presidential election so "the people could decide" or whatever fucking excuse he used. Next year will be another presidential election, and I think you know where this is going.

Here's his response: "The leader took a long sip of what appeared to be iced tea before announcing with a smile, 'Oh, we'd fill it,' triggering loud laughter from the audience." Oh, man, that's hilarious. See, he doesn't have any principles. He doesn't give a happy monkey fuck about hypocrisy. All he cares about is winning, fuck everything else. He took joy in saying that shit. It's just so funny.

That a giant hand didn't descend from the sky and squeeze McConnell until he popped like a fat bullfrog under a steamroller is absolute proof that there is no God.

You can't beat Machiavelli by quoting Thich Nhat Hanh. You can't reason with a pack of gabbling hyenas who are tearing up a gazelle by offering them etiquette lessons. Yet that's what Democrats are trying to do with their seeming acquiescence to Republicans when it comes to impeachment. They keep waiting for the political equivalent of Bigfoot to come along: a group of Republicans who will publicly oppose Trump. But that big fucker is never gonna be found.

Look, at this point, Republicans are too far in with Trump. They have more reason to keep him afloat than to put him in cement shoes that they are chained to. With all the shit they've let Trump get away with so far, why bother stopping him now? It's like they all committed a bank robbery; they emptied the safes and shot all the hostages. They're standing there covered in blood, with cash falling out of their pockets. If their leader says, "Ok, let's burn down the bank," well, why get a conscience now? They'll just start setting fire to shit.

McConnell didn't give a fuck about how his reversal on whatever ludicrous principle he pretended to have seemed. He didn't give a fuck about how it seemed when he refused Merrick Garland a hearing and vote. He didn't give a fuck because it's about the win, not how you get it. He didn't give a fuck because the Devil doesn't give a fuck.

And people respond to the win. That's how we got Trump in the first place. More on that and how it applies to impeachment later this week.

5/27/2019

A Poem for Memorial Day

"Six Marines in the Picture"
by Cloy Richards

6 Marines
3 standing tall and proud in the foreground
3 crouching in the foreground
6 Marines posing in Fallujah, supposedly the "Graveyard of Americans"
6 young, strong men with battle hardened countenances
6 marines in great health posing with rifles, deep in enemy territory
How brave they look, how American.
They can go to any country in the world, kick ass and take pictures to show
the folks back home what their tax dollars are paying for.
That picture of my buddies and I, is forever in my mind, yet slightly changed

Private Perez was killed by a car bomber at a vehicle check point.
There's only 5 Marines in the picture now.

Sergeant Silva lost the use of his left leg after a rocket attack and now is
addicted to painkillers and booze.
There's only 4 Marines in the picture now.

Lance Corporal Dubois joined the Marines to help conquer his heroin addiction.
After 3 years clean and sober, he came home from Iraq a broken man,
and turned back to heroin.

He overdosed two months after we got back
There's only 3 Marines in the picture now.

Corporal Allen's stress and emotional problems got the better of him
and he started beating his wife and children.
2 years after Iraq he's in prison, without a family.
There's only 2 Marines in the picture now.

Private First Class Anderson got dishonorably discharged for drug use
5 months after we came home.  Rather than turn to his family for help,
he wanders the streets of southern California, begging for money, food, work.

There's one Marine left in the picture now, and it's me.
Am I still alive?
I might be physically breathing, but I'm dying inside.
So really there aren't any Marines in that picture
and without those Marines it's just a picture of a shattered city
in a devastated country.

(This poem comes from Warrior Writers, a non-profit organization that teaches and gives space for veterans to write and create art about their experiences. You can donate here.)

5/24/2019

Nancy Pelosi Is Skullfucking Trump and It's Making Him Crazier

I've said it before and I'll say it again: When Nancy Pelosi belts up the strap-on, it's just a matter of time before someone's screaming. She rode serial molester Dennis Hastert like a monkey on an elephant. She made George W. Bush beg for more ass reaming. And now she's locked and loaded the extra-large dildo, the one shaped like a tentacle, and she's skullfucking Donald J. Trump. She's thrusting that footlong right into his eyehole, tickling his brain, and driving him completely mad. He is pretty much shouting at her to stop, but she won't. She'll just keep skullfucking until he begs her to stop or she goes right through the back of his pumpkin head.

You can watch it happen in real time on video of an event yesterday where Trump was supposed to be announcing more socialism for farmers, $16 billion to farms affected by his idiotic trade war with China. Where's that money coming from? "This support for farmers will be paid for by the billions of dollars our Treasury takes in," he reassured. No shit, motherfucker. So does everything we spend money on. But in that precious way of stating the obvious, Trump continued, "We’ll be taking in — depending on what period of time we’re talking — many billions of dollars.  Far more than the $16 billion that we’re talking about." So it's good to know that we happen to have $16 billion just sitting around in a slush fund or something and don't need, say, Congress to approve it.

Then you can see when Pelosi commenced the skullfucking. Asked about Pelosi's comment that he needs an intervention, Trump went off the rails, if his train was ever on them in the first place. He went around the room, demanding that staff and advisers who were at the meeting tell the cameras that he was perfectly calm when he told Pelosi and Chuck Schumer he wouldn't work on an infrastructure bill (or anything) while Democrats investigated him.

He asked Kellyanne Conway, Mercedes Schlapp, Larry Kudlow, Sarah Sanders, and Deputy Press Secretary Hogan Gidley to testify that he was calm. Here's how Trump put it to Sanders: "The narrative was I was screaming and ranting and raving, and it was terrible.  And I watched Nancy and she was all crazy yesterday...Just out curiosity — you were there — what was my tone yesterday at the meeting?" Sanders attested to this frantic fuck's calm demeanor.

Here's the thing, though. I think it was absolutely planned. I think Trump told everyone he was going to ask them if he was totally chill at the canceled infrastructure meeting. All the answers he got seemed absolutely practiced. So Pelosi's thrusting so far into his dullard's brain pan that he can't get her out of there.

Throughout this whole frankly fucking odd display, Trump kept making all kinds of asides, like to Kudlow, "Larry has done more live television.  Maybe Regis has you by a little bit, right?  Not by much." Yeah, that's a Regis Philbin reference. And this: "I don’t want to say 'Crazy Nancy,' because if I say that, you’re going to say it’s a copy of 'Crazy Bernie,' and that’s no good, because he — Bernie is definitely crazy." But he couldn't help but attack Pelosi more because, you know, chicks, man: "It was sad when I watched Nancy, all moving — the movement and the hands and the craziness — and I watched — that’s, by the way, a person that’s got some problems." He's gonna be mocking her movements soon because that's what this lump of shit thinks is funny.

The rest of the appearance, which, to remind you, was about giving money to farmers who he himself has harmed financially, was just as alarming. Trump criticized Rep. Jerrold Nadler by saying, "Jerry Nadler.  I know him well.  I’ve had great success against Jerry and I will again." That's an allusion to a 1980s zoning battle. Seriously, Trump's fucking brain stopped functioning around 1990.

"I'm a very capable person," Trump said at one point and wasn't joking. (He was joking when he called himself "an extremely stable genius," so let's let that on go.) He insisted repeatedly that he knew things, understood things, was well-versed in a subject. I teach students who lie to me all the time about studying something or reading something. I know that Trump was fuckin' lying when he said of the release of John Walker Lindh, "Believe it or not, about two weeks ago, I went to the best lawyers in our country that work for government.  I said, 'What could we do about this?'" Bullshit. He probably saw Tucker Carlson jacking off about Lindh and wondered why they weren't talking about him for five minutes.

And asked about who he was accusing of treason, after being reminded that one can be sentenced to death for that, Trump responded, "If you look at Comey; if you look at McCabe; if you look at probably people — people higher than that; if you look at Strzok; if you look at his lover, Lisa Page, his wonderful lover — the two lovers, they talked openly." Trump's weird fascination with the Strzok/Page affair is just pure dickishness, his default posture. But, yeah, sure, let's just move on from him implying that leaders of the FBI deserved to be executed.

By the way, several farmers and Farm Bureau officials were forced to stand there the entire time and had to be wondering what the fuck they had gotten themselves into. And Trump proclaimed once again that everything is really about him and him alone. Talking about farm states, he said, "China has openly stated they’re going to use the farmer.  The reason is because I got the farmer’s votes. You look at a map; it’s all red, meaning Republican, meaning Trump.  It’s all red in the middle states, as you know.  It’s got a little blue here and a little blue there." I guess it's useless at this point to try to say that California is the largest farm economy in the nation and is being hurt badly by this trade war.

Look, I've got a problem with how Pelosi is handling the lugubriously slow walk towards impeachment. But I'm all in on her penetrating Trump's tiny mind and buying a condo there. One thing he hates more than anything is being bested by a woman, and right now, he's frantically trying to figure out how to degrade her and get her out of there. No, it's not impeachment. It is, though, making Trump look weaker and weaker and more easily defeated. It's not a great plan, but it's sure as shit an entertaining one.

Side note: Here's an exchange that didn't get much notice between Trump and Conway.

MS. CONWAY:  Very calm.  No temper tantrum...I’m sure somebody has it on tape too.  But you were very calm.  Stood at the edge of the Cabinet table.

THE PRESIDENT:  They have it on tape someplace?

MS. CONWAY:  Sure.

THE PRESIDENT:  Good.  That’d be good.

Um, are they taping the Cabinet Room?

(Correction: I originally said the meeting took place in the Oval Office. That was wrong.)