5/21/2019

Unless You Start Arresting People, Impeachment Is the Only Play Left for Congress

Every single goddamned day that we're cursed to live through in this stupid, dangerous era, the President of the United States, who really is Donald Trump, does or says something or has something revealed that he deserves to be impeached over. Whether it's seriously threatening to commit genocide in Iran, demanding that his political opponents be investigated and jailed, pardoning war criminals, or the fuckery with Deutsche Bank, as well as his ongoing refusal to comply with any congressional investigations, Trump, who looks like a sack of rats that got blasted with an exploding orange dye pack, commits more high crimes and misdemeanors with each passing moment.

But Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has not just dismissed talk of impeachment proceedings in her chamber, she is actively trying to squelch it in her caucus. She said not impeaching is doing the work Americans want: "This is not about politics; it's about what's best for the American people" and "This isn’t about politics at all. It’s about patriotism. It’s about the strength we need to have to see things through." That's right. It's patriotic to leave a madman in power without challenging him in the strongest possible way.

Look, Pelosi has accomplished a shit-ton for progressive goals. But we can separate out good from bad, we can criticize, goddamnit, and I gotta say: I don't get her game on this. Pelosi and some other Democrats said that an impeachment inquiry would distract from the economic and legislative agenda of the party. Except there is no agenda that can be accomplished while Trump hangs over everything. And if Pelosi is hoping to kick the can down the road and hope that Trump won't win reelection, well, Hillary Clinton has a bunch of dusty inauguration swag she can sell you.

Hakeem Jeffries, the New York representative who is the head of the Democratic Caucus, said, "We did not run on impeachment, we did not run on collusion ... so logic suggests that we should carry forward with the agenda that we communicated to the American people." Except that, once again, it's a fundamental misread of the electorate. Democrats may not have run on impeachment, but they absolutely ran on being a check on Trump.

And many of them ran specifically on going after Trump's criminality. To most people not versed in the nuances of congressional power, the 2018 campaign read as "impeach the motherfucker" and they voted with that in mind. If Democrats fail to follow through, it's gonna piss off some voters. It's like saying to your kids that you're going on vacation to the most wonderful place on earth where they'll get to see a mouse. They're gonna fuckin' think it's Disney World, for good goddamn reason. If it turns out to be Mee-Maw's old rodent-ridden house in Dubuque, shit's gonna get messy on the drive.

You can say that we don't know what Pelosi and the House leadership are up to. You can say that we mortals are too puny to understand the zillion-dimensional chess that's being played. Except almost every time someone says that, it turns out that the shit that's going in is exactly the shit we see.  There is no greater purpose to understand. There is no other dimension and we're just playing a frantic game of motherfuckin' checkers.

Right now, impeachment is the only play left for Congress, unless the House Democrats are willing to arrest people like Don McGahn and even William Barr for failing to show up for subpoenaed testimony or Steve Mnuchin for not turning over Trump's taxes. Even then, Trump would let everyone go to jail to protect his lying, voluminous ass. Besides, what happens after they do testify? Oh, right. Fucking impeachment.

By not impeaching, by allowing the president to order his lackeys and even ex-lackeys to defy subpoenas, Pelosi is letting Trump get away with a level of audacious corruption that would make Boss Tweed blush. Embedded in Pelosi's refusal to go down impeachment road is a belief in the better angels of democracy. Those angels never existed. And if they did, Trump would have pulled their wings off and grabbed 'em by their pussies, daring anyone to stop him.

His actions demand action. Trump brought this on. He is not the victim in this story, no matter how much he whines that he is. He is the villain. Treat him like one.

(Note: I've talked before about why your objection that the Senate will refuse to remove Trump from office is bullshit. So I'm not going into that here, except to say that impeachment is an end in itself.)

5/16/2019

Anti-Choice Laws Are the Establishment of Religion

The Alabama state constitution makes it pretty fuckin' plain: "We declare...That no religion shall be established by law; that no preference shall be given by law to any religious sect, society, denomination, or mode of worship...and that the civil rights, privileges, and capacities of any citizen shall not be in any manner affected by his religious principles."

Now, of course, you can look at the sexist language there ("his religious principles") and think, "Yeah, of course, they decided that doesn't apply to women." But, really, it's just crystal-fuckin' clear. You can't make policy by religion. Any religion. And you can't deny someone civil rights just because they don't believe in the same invisible sky wizard that you believe in.

Despite its constitution, though, Alabama has passed the most restrictive abortion ban in the country, one that hasn't gone into effect yet and one that is supposed to take a coat hanger to Roe v. Wade and late-term abort it. And, in doing so, the legislators wanted to show just how batshit in love they are with Jeebus and that they can out-nutsy Georgia or Ohio or any pussy-ass state that wants to allow women even an ounce of agency and dignity. "You're havin' that fuckin' rape baby," Alabama said, "or we're lockin' your abortion doctor up for longer than your rapist. That's what God told us to do."

Look, there is no way to separate the anti-choice movement from the evangelical Christian movement. Check out the website of the influential Choose Life Alabama (motto: "Fuck me, Jesus, fuck me with your rod and staff"). There's not a single goddamn word about medical reasons to end abortions. It's all about God and creation and such shit.

Hell, the bill was written by A. Eric Johnston, the head of the Alabama Pro-Life Coalition. He's a fuckin' estate-planning attorney who does some mediation related to business shit. Where's his fucking medical degree that allows him to say that abortion should be banned after two weeks? As he said when it was first introduced, "Our bill is two weeks. When you can prove the woman is pregnant. A man and woman can have sex and you can take her straight into a clinic and determine an egg and sperm came together.” That last sentence is absolute bullshit. Family-planning clinics warn about false negatives when women are tested earlier than at least ten days after sex.

Johnston runs something called the Southeast Law Institute, which has weighed in on or represented clients in a slew of cases that are about fluffing the dicks of evangelical Christians. And that's exactly what this fucking law is about. It's about forcing an entire state and as much of the country as possible to live under the dicta of religious extremists. For extra larfs, Johnston actually helped write an anti-Shariah law amendment to the Alabama constitution. That's right. It's wrong if it's foreign religious law, but it's a-o-fuckin'-kay if it's Jesus running the joint.

When Governor and sex traitor Kay Ivey, wearing the colors of the title character in The Handmaid's Tale, signed the anti-choice bill into law, she issued a statement that put her reasoning into strictly religious terms: "To the bill’s many supporters, this legislation stands as a powerful testament to Alabamians’ deeply held belief that every life is precious and that every life is a sacred gift from God." Apparently, unless you believe in God (and, specifically, a crazed Christian flavor of God), you aren't really an Alabamian.

They're not even trying to hide that this shit is all about religion.  Over at the Jesus-fellating conservative Resurgent, James Silberman calls all fetuses "image bearers of God" and says that all Christians should rally for a total ban on abortion. Lying heap of rotting pumpkins, President Donald Trump, preened and pranced for evangelicals, swearing that he'd lead them to the promised land where only people like him could get abortions for their mistresses. "All children — born and unborn — are made in the holy image of God," he told one gathering, and the closest he gets to the Lord is when he squeals, "Oh, God" as he jacks off to Ivanka's teen photos.

I'm down south right now in Louisiana, where this state's abortion fuckery is heading into its final stretch. One of those odious "heartbeat" bills, which bans abortions after just six weeks, has passed the Senate and is about to be passed in the House. And the twist here is that Democrats are sponsoring and voting for it. Yeah, Sen. John Milkovich, a Democrat from Shreveport, sponsored the bill, saying, "We believe children are a gift from God." Except they're not. They're a by-product of fucking. The Democratic governor, John Bel Edwards, has said he'll sign whatever lands on his desk because that's how the fuck Louisiana rolls.

These radical Christian extremists are using their faith to enslave women, to make them mere vessels for babies that the Christians won't give a dry rat shit about once they're born. It is another of the many ways that conservatives are lashing out against the diminishing power of the straight white man. If they can get it so that women are hindered at every turn by pregnancies they are forced to carry to term, well, they just think that's the Lord's work.

And the scariest fucking part is that we no longer know for sure that the Supreme Court will uphold Roe v. Wade. Sure, some right-wing crazoids think Alabama and Georgia went too far, that it's too radical, that now they'll blow their chance on achieving their decades-old dream of enforced pregnancy. But who really fucking knows at this point, especially with savage dogs like Alito and Thomas on the court.

This shit is gut-wrenching. It's dehumanizing for women and degrading for the nation as a whole. Which is exactly what these putrid Christian fucks want.

5/14/2019

Elizabeth Warren Tells Fox "News" to Go Fuck Itself with Roger Ailes's Femur

Fuck yeah, Senator Elizabeth Warren, who is running for president, just went to war with Fox "news." In a series of tweets, Warren told Fox to get the fuck away from her with this town hall bullshit. Apparently, Fox invited her to appear on their network of the damned and Sean Hannity, and she declined, explaining, "Fox News is a hate-for-profit racket that gives a megaphone to racists and conspiracists—it’s designed to turn us against each other, risking life and death consequences, to provide cover for the corruption that’s rotting our government and hollowing out our middle class."

Warren didn't stop there. Ever the professor, she tied Fox's white nationalist propaganda directly to the wallets of its owners and shareholders. "It’s all about dragging in ad money—big ad money," she says, and that a Democrat appearing on a town hall on the network gives cover to the sales team trying to tell skittish advertisers that Fox really, really is fair and balanced, despite the fact that it's so extravagantly biased that Goebbels would watch it and say, "Jesus fuck, tone it down a bit."

Then Warren brings it back to voters: "I won’t ask millions of Democratic primary voters to tune into an outlet that profits from racism and hate in order to see our candidates—especially when Fox will make even more money adding our valuable audience to their ratings numbers." She doesn't shit all over the Democrats who have already appeared at a Fox town hall - Bernie Sanders and Amy Klobuchar - but she sure as hell draws a big damn line in the sand.

"Fox News is welcome to come to my events just like any other outlet," Warren concludes. "But a Fox News town hall adds money to the hate-for-profit machine. To which I say: hard pass."

And I am so hard right now that I could jackhammer a hole in my wall.

It's about goddamn time one of the Democratic candidates stopped with this whole bullshit idea that they have to "reach" Fox "news" viewers. It turns Fox into the de facto spokesdicks for the mythical "White Working Class," a group that is so much more than Fox-infected assholes (and is also far, far bigger once you remove "white" from the name). And Warren's rejection of Fox turns a spotlight on the "news" network's efforts at stupiding their viewers with a nonstop fecal flow of fear and fuckery. Maybe Kirsten Gillibrand and Pete Buttigieg will back out of their scheduled appearances.

Essentially, Warren just declared war on Fox "news." She went far, far further than just declining the town hall. She went for the throat, naming evil where she sees evil. Warren dug up the rotted whale carcass of Roger Ailes, ripped out his femur, and started fucking Tucker Carlson's ass with it.

Look for Fox to react furiously, as Fox will do, likely calling her everything from "Pocahontas" to "Emma Goldman" (actually, Emma Goldman doesn't have a Disney cartoon, so Fox viewers wouldn't understand it). They'll make her seem like Stalin has been reincarnated and that Warren and AOC are gonna be forcing you to eat organic dirt to stay alive while Rashida Tlaib ululates in your ears.

But Warren wouldn't have started this if she didn't know what she was getting into.  She could have politely declined and moved on. This is a war she wants. This shows she knows that you have to kill the troll if you want everyone to be able to cross the bridge.

5/08/2019

Practical Impeachment Politics: Your Objections Are Bullshit

Too many Democrats are tying themselves in knots in order to avoid committing to impeachment hearings for President Donald Trump, a man who, in his best days, betrays the public trust ten times before finishing his first Sausage McMuffin of the morning. But the arguments Democrats make are utter bullshit, and they're belied by history, circumstance, and the Democrats' own actions.

For example:

"Why bother impeaching Trump when we know the Senate won't vote to convict?" is something you hear over and over and over. Yet, a few days ago, the Democratically-controlled House of Representatives, where impeachment hearings and votes would occur, passed a bill that forces the United States to stay in the Paris accord on climate change. In the past couple of months, the House has passed an election reform bill, a gun control bill, a gender pay gap bill, a bill rejecting Trump's emergency declaration on the border, a net neutrality bill, and a bill that funds converting unicorn farts into renewable energy. Well, not that last one, but they may as well have.

You know what all the real bills have in common? There's not a flea fuck in Hell's chance that the Republican-controlled Senate will pass them. The bills are, for all practical purposes, being voted on for show - show what we believe, show what they oppose. But Nancy Pelosi has no problem lining up bill after bill, just begging the Senate to shoot them down so that Democrats can campaign on how Republicans want us all to die, take away our rights, and force us to have babies. Almost no one talks about how this is a waste of time because it really isn't. Rallying the faithful is as good a cause as any.

The catalyzing effect would be even stronger when it comes to impeachment. You might hear that a majority of Americans don't think impeachment hearings are warranted. A recent Marist poll showed that 53% of those surveyed oppose them. Except when you dig into the poll, a much more interesting picture appears. Sure, 91% of Republicans oppose impeachment, with 70% of Democrats supporting it. But more fascinating, independent women support impeachment 54% to 37%. And, further down, a majority of just about every group other than Republicans as a whole support either impeachment or more investigations. Finally, 70% of Democrats say they would definitely vote for a candidate who supports impeachment, with, intriguingly, Independents split on whether or not they would.

And, honestly, I don't think most people understand that there are hearings before impeachment. A whole lot of Americans are primed and ready for those. They would naturally reveal more about Trump's obstruction efforts and function as congressional investigations. What those investigations end up proving about Trump's criminality and unfitness for office might significantly move the needle on impeachment support. As PBS Newshour points out, "When the Watergate scandal broke in 1973, only 35 percent to 40 percent of Americans wanted to move forward with impeachment proceedings against President Richard Nixon. One year later, more than 70 percent thought Congress should begin impeachment proceedings against Nixon."

On top of that, with 70% of Democrats already on board the impeachment train, failure to move it forward might have the effect of depressing the vote. That's what I think is behind these reports that Republicans really, really want impeachment to go forward. Those motherfuckers are double-dog daring Democrats, seeing a way to split the party on the issue. Man, fuck them and what they think. You're gonna let the arsonists tell you what fire alarms to buy? If Democrats followed Elizabeth Warren's lead and just outright embraced impeachment because it's, you know, their fucking duty, it would electrify Democratic voters and get them engaged and ready and anxious to punch Republicans right in the dick in 2020.

We also hear that impeachment is so serious because it might mean a lawfully-elected president is removed from office, undoing the will of the (not majority of the) people. But those people also elected a Congress, and those members of Congress have impeachment as one of their duties. It would be just as wrong to say that they shouldn't do one of the things they were entrusted with if necessary.

Elections have consequences. We fucking know that. It's time that Donald Trump learns that lesson, too.

5/06/2019

Democrats Should Be Unrelenting on Trump's Taxes

Look, I get why 75% of Americans, according one poll, haven't read any of the Mueller report. Yeah, part of it is that we're now so fucking stupid and so easily distracted that the very idea of sitting down and facing 400 pages of redacted shit with Russian names and banks and more sounds not just intimidating, but, fate of the nation aside, so goddamn dull. The Starr report on Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky had dicks and pussies and cigars in pussies and dicks in mouths. Of course, people wanted to read that. We're animals, after all.

People like things simple and readily graspable. They don't want your nuance. They don't want your multi-level conspiracies that are like jigsaw puzzles where the last piece is lost under the couch and you just can't reach it.  They like it cut and dried, man, easily digestible and easily spit out.

Donald fuckin' Trump knew that all the way back in 2011 when he started his batshit crusade against Barack Obama for the crime of being black while president. We all know the birther nonsense, where idiots demanded that Obama produce a birth certificate to prove he was born in Hawaii (and when he did produce one, it wasn't the right one for them). Trump also hopped on the college records bandwagon, too, saying that Obama's university applications and such were big secrets. You can trace the layers and layers of hypocrisy through Trump's Twitter feed, like a mille-feuille of shit.

Like in July 2012, when the dumb orange motherfucker tweeted, "For the sake of transparency, @BarackObama should release all his college applications and transcripts--both from Occidental and Columbia." Or in August of that year, when he implored that Mitt Romney "shouldn't give additional tax returns until @BarackObama gives his passport records, college records & applications."

For the vast majority of us, it was a ludicrous beclowning of the electoral process. But for those who were starting to pay attention to this pathetic reality TV host as a viable candidate and thought, "I like how he sticks it to the Negro," it was fuckin' catnip. And, goddamn, it's so easy to rally behind: Yeah, why won't that Obama prove to us where he came from? (Being racists, they never realized how horribly racist it was.)

Trump even went so far as to say that Obama wouldn't be hiding his records if nothing bad was in them: "Why would @BarackObama be spending millions of dollars to hide his records if there was nothing to hide?" he asked in 2012. He also tweeted on 9/11, our holiest of holy days, "Why won't Obama release his college applications? Is there something 'foreign' about them?"

Obviously, for Donald Trump, refusing to release private information to the public, or, you know, to him, is akin to being guilty. It's right there. The dumb orange motherfucker himself said as much.

So, while they should have been doing this since 2016, Democrats now have a talking point against Trump that is the perfect combination of simple and deadly. Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, a man who definitely has had a gerbil or two inserted in his rectum, declined to turn over Trump's federal income tax returns to the House Ways and Means Committee, as required by law. This is on top of Trump suing to stop Deutsche Bank from cooperating with congressional investigators, likely because that would involve having his taxes revealed.

The reason that the birther shit had an effect (no, it didn't stop Obama, but it helped Trump's rise), the reason that the Hillary email shit had an effect, the reason why so many aggravatingly simple things have an effect is because they force you to make a decision. Either you want to know about Hillary Clinton's emails or you didn't. And Democrats can use that method to what is inarguably a more noble end: to find out if the President of the United States is a goddamn criminal.

Every fucking day, every opportunity they have, every interview, every speech, Democrats should be demanding that Donald Trump release his taxes. They should be saying that he must have something to hide. It should be the only fucking thing that anyone can think of. They should get people to show up at Republican town halls to ask why the GOP doesn't care about Trump's taxes.

No, you won't get Trump's idiot hordes or his Republican lickspittles and ass remoras to turn against him (although you might succeed in getting a little creeping doubt in there). But you know that 75% who didn't read the Mueller report ain't just Trump-humpers. There are not only a lot of voters who are on the Democrats' side who need a rallying point, but there are those who aren't paying attention at all, who are disengaged, who might just fucking love the clean and clear either/or on Trump's taxes.

So many of us on the left want Democrats to get savage. But there has to be a cohesive message behind the savagery, one that's not complex or needs more than a bumper-sticker to explain. This idea is a damn start. Get people paying attention so that when the impeachment hearings start, they're already on board.

5/02/2019

We Cannot Be This Nation With the President That William Barr and Republicans Believe We Should Have

Attorney General William Barr, who is really just a lumpy choad with a stupid face drawn on the tip, jowled and jawed before the Senate Judiciary Committee yesterday. It was a weird, weird hearing, with Republicans like Chuck Grassley and John Cornyn seeming to act like Hillary Clinton is the greatest villain in American history. She is essentially the president of their imaginations, omnipresent and all-powerful, her emails and the Steele dossier the touchstones of a depth of criminality that few ever even dared to attempt. Or something. Who the fuck knows at this point. Frankly, it'd be a relief if it turned out someone was fucking some kids in a pizza joint just so any of this weird, weird bullshit had any grounding in what we once referred to as "reality."

On the Democratic side, nearly every question could have been "Are you fuckin' kidding me here?" Kamala Harris drilled into Barr like she was digging for gold in a sloppy mound of mud. Asking about whether or not the Attorney General had reviewed the underlying evidence on obstruction of justice before declaring that there was none, she may as well have said, "Are you fuckin' kidding me here?" to Barr saying he hadn't bothered. Richard Blumenthal asked Barr whether or not he had discussed any ongoing criminal investigations of the White House with the White House. When Barr hedged before saying he didn't think he had or he didn't remember (seriously, this bulbous motherfucker's been in the job for 10 weeks but can't remember shit), Blumenthal may as well have concluded his questioning with "Are you fuckin' kidding me here?"

Ultimately, what came across from Barr is a visceral contempt for any kind of oversight of the president. As far as Barr is concerned, it doesn't matter if the president orders people to lie on his behalf to investigators. It doesn't matter if he dangles pardons for them to break the law. It doesn't matter if the president ends an investigation if he doesn't like how the investigation is going. Literally.

Barr said, in answer to a question from Patrick Leahy, "The point I was trying to make earlier is that in the situation of the president, who has constitutional authority to supervise proceedings. If in fact a proceeding was not well-founded, if it was a groundless proceeding, if it was based on false allegations, the president does not have to sit there, constitutionally, and allow it to run its course. The president could terminate that proceeding and it would not be a corrupt intent because he was being falsely accused and he would be worried about the impact on his administration. That's important because most of the obstruction claims that are being made here, or episodes, do involve the exercise of the president's constitutional authority. And we now know that he was being falsely accused." Leahy disagreed that Trump was being falsely accused.

And that right there, that answer from Barr, is fucking ludicrous. It is essentially saying that if Donald Trump doesn't believe he's guilty of anything, he has the right to shut down any investigation looking into his criminality. Trump gets to determine what the impact would be on his administration. Trump gets to determine whether an accusation is false. Trump gets to be his own judge. What more could he fucking want from life?

This kind of bullshit is center to the cancerous theory of the unitary executive, which says that, in essence, the executive branch works for the chief executive, the president, and that president can do whatever the fuck he (and, perhaps, some day, she) wants. So that means that every department is filled with the president's employees (and not the nation's), and every office is merely an extension of the president and a conduit of that president's policies. And, to an extent, that has to be true. Except, of course, there are also laws and, you know, a Constitution. However, according to Barr (and a shit-ton of Republicans), the president can say, "Yeah, I don't like how the laws are being used by my employees, so let's shut that shit down." And if you shove through a bunch of judges who will give you a pass, hey, shit's shut down.

You can either be a nation based on laws or a nation based on the whims of a leader. You can't be both. We cannot be the nation that Barr and the obsequious worms in the GOP would like us to be. That is not this nation. And if we do say that this is who we are now, then fuck us.

And let's be clear: This only goes for Republican presidents. For Democrats? Republicans would have already torn down the White House in order to build a gallows had a President Hillary Clinton done a fraction of this shit. Hell, Republican members of Congress talked about impeaching Obama over everything from his immigration policy to Benghazi to, really, his birth certificate. The GOP-led House Judiciary Committee had a hearing in 2013 on "The President's Constitutional Duty to Faithfully Execute the Laws."

Look, every president fucking hates it when Congress holds him to account. And every president has fought congressional committees on witnesses and documents and other shit. Of course, Democrats are more likely to call out their own president while Republicans are more likely to throw their bodies in the way of their presidents. Seventeen Democrats voted for the contempt citation against Barack Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder for withholding documents on the non-scandal scandal of Fast and Furious (look it up, kids, and you'll see why the fuck we say that Republicans are hypocritical twatmites). And if you want to beat your head against a wall, look at how many Democrats supported the impeachment of Bill Clinton.

Democrats have to stop playing this game like they are opposed by honorable people. Republicans are having a shit fight in a monkey house while Democrats are trying to soothe them with the gentle music of reason. No, the way you win is by dumping so much shit on the monkeys that they can't move.

4/26/2019

Note: I Picked a Hell of a Time to Go to England

So, yeah, the blogging's been thin these last two weeks, in the midst of the Mueller report and generally accelerating fuckery in the USA. That's because I'm on a long-planned trip to the UK, where, oddly everyone, from London to Liverpool to Leeds, seems to think that they're going to get their shit together in Parliament and stop the drive to Brexit or at least have a new vote.

I just laugh when someone says that. They don't understand what we now realize in the United States: once the stupid train goes out of control, you're gonna need to tear up the tracks in order to stop the damn thing.

Occasionally, I meet someone who is pro-Brexit and doesn't understand why, grr, arrg, they haven't left the EU yet. And occasionally I talk to someone who is just trying to keep a stiff upper lip, whot, whot, regarding the whole mess.

Anyways, this is a long way of saying that more regular acts of bloggery will return next week when I return to the land of the free-ish and the home of the forgot-how-to-be brave.

4/22/2019

The Not-Quite Mueller Report: Trump Is a Whiny Little Bitch Who Wants to Prosecute Hillary Clinton

You’ve read all the legal insights you can stomach about the not-quite Mueller Report. You’ve argued with your friends and family and trolls about whether or not we should go ahead with impeachment (note: How is this even a question? You impeach the motherfucker with a full-court press convincing the American people to rally behind impeaching the motherfucker). You may have even sat down and pored through the Barr-damned redacted report, finding every appalling nugget you can mine out of it, like how the whole White House is just a cheap 1970s Godfather-knockoff film made in Russia.

And now you’ve come to the Rude Pundit, and I’m here to tell you this: Goddamn, the President of the United States, Donald Trump, is such a little whiny bitch all the way through.

We know how much of a whiny bitch he is through his tweets and endless airings of grievances at his rallies of the damned. He's the kind of little bitch that sits in the kitchen, just whimpering when its bowl is empty or whimpering because it shoved its toy under the couch. Just a whiny, noisy, little bitch and you fuckin' hate whoever in the house brought that bitch home.

In the not-really Mueller Report, we get to see the Donald Trump in private, and, holy fuckballs, if anything, he’s even more of a whiny bitch when his stump-thumbs aren’t tapping away on the Twitter app.

For instance, when meeting with his then-White House counsel Don McGahn, then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and then-AG Chief of Staff Jody Hunt, Trump bitched to Sessions about the Russia investigation, “This is terrible Jeff. It’s all because you recused. AG is supposed to be most important appointment. Kennedy appointed his brother. Obama appointed Holder. I appointed you and you recused yourself. You left me on an island. I can’t do anything.” That line, “You left me on an island,” is what you say when your online crush has ghosted you and you’re pining away pathetically into the ether.

Another time, he pissed and moaned to Sessions, “Everyone tells me if you get one of these independent counsels it ruins your presidency. It takes years and years and I won’t be able to do anything. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.” The worst thing to ever happen to Donald Trump is that someone might hold him to account. You know, I’ve got no sympathy for Jeff Sessions, American’s most racist elf, so fuck him even if he did have to be the urinal for Trump’s whine dribbles. (Trump said his now famous “Oh my God. This is terrible. This is the end of my Presidency. I’m fucked” to Sessions and Hunt, and I wonder if they immediately thought of him boning Stormy Daniels.)

Over and over, Trump whinged about how he wanted to be “treated fairly,” that he wanted everyone to make sure he got a “fair” shake. When he tried to convince Sessions to un-recuse himself from the Russia investigation and then open an investigation into Hillary Clinton (which, what the fuck?), he bleated, “Not telling you to do anything. ... I’m not going to get involved. I’m not going to do anything or direct you to do anything. I just want to be treated fairly.” Being treated fairly meant, to Trump, an AG who ran interference for him, as he absolutely believes Eric Holder did for Barack Obama. It never fucking occurs to this blithering dickface that maybe Obama didn’t do anything that needed to be interfered with.

Going after Hillary Clinton to win the election wasn’t enough. Several times, the report mentions how the Trump campaign, including testicle pimples Donald Trump, Jr. and Jared Kushner, sought information that would “incriminate” her. And Trump’s mad tweets about Clinton’s “crimes” are also part of the report.

And, most tellingly, Trump thought “it was unfair that he was being investigated while Hillary Clinton was not.” I guess it also never occurred to him that he was president and no one gave a shit about investigating Clinton when it wouldn’t damage her politically. Trump, though, is a cruel motherfucker. Trump wanted to hurt her personally by prosecuting her for...something.

That's a fucked-up area that no one has really touched, but it's an abuse of power as deep and as wrong as any of the dozens of others.

4/17/2019

Donald Trump Gets More Pathetic By the Day

Look, we all know that the saggy sack of bullshit, drool, and dried semen that is Donald Trump has long been a pathetic figure. From his pretending to be a masterful real estate speculator on The Apprentice to his carnival sideshow of ludicrous products with his name on them, Trump is like a bloated Elvis impersonator whose girth can't be contained in the sequined white outfit anymore, although at least that manque' Elvis had some honor in his life and was probably a whole lot less racist.

As we await the release of the Mueller report and the desperate spin that the White House and its subservient Justice Department will put on it, as we learn more and more that Attorney General William Barr is just another one of Trump's ass remoras, the president himself has seemed to grow smaller and smaller, even as he fluffs himself like a half-mad aging male porn star who can't get hard when he pops Viagra by the handful and injects cocaine right into his dick.

He's just so fucking pathetic and not in a sense of "pathos," but more in a "goddamn, I can't even stand to look at that worthless motherfucker anymore - it makes me sick" way.

At a "roundtable" discussion (if by "roundtable," you mean, "Sure, fine, the table was physically round and that's about it") on Monday in Burnsville, Minnesota, Trump repeatedly mentioned his 2016 campaign and victory. No, really.

Early on, right after saying something about the fire at Notre Dame Cathedral that faked concern, Trump immediately veered into how much better he was than Hillary Clinton in 2016: "I was criticized — coming up, I was criticized that I didn’t raise as much money as Hillary Clinton, that I only spent half. It’s actually much less than half. But I don’t want to tell. And in the old days, if you would spend less and win, you got credit. Today you have to spend more and win. So if I would’ve spent more, I would’ve been given a lot more credit. But the fact is we did spend a lot less money — much, much less money — than the Democrats. And we won."

We are two-and-a-half years past the election of 2016. Yet this craven, miserable son of a bitch keeps wanting to relive a moment where maybe his shitty father would have given him a warm handshake to celebrate. Trump brought it up again: "There’s a great movement in this country, and it started with that very special day in November. Remember that day? Was that a great day? November. November 2016." God, the brain worms keep whispering this to him.

And then, in a "discussion" that was supposed to be about "the economy and tax reform," Trump mentally lumbered off like a drunk Frankenstein's monster, and he talked about North Korea (no shit, he said that people told him that there were earthquakes going on there, but he knew it was nuclear testing) and the fuckin' ISIS caliphate and the fuckin' Golan Heights and the embassy in Jerusalem, which he said cost just $500,000 when it cost at least $21 million. "We’re using all Jerusalem stone," he claimed, which would be fuckin' idiotic.

Seriously, the head of Sergio's Family Restaurants and the general manager of Liberty Landscape Supply, brought there to massage Trump's taint and tell him how amazeballs he is, had to wonder what the fuck was going on.

Trump sounds more and more like a man who is worried that his days are numbered and that he'd better make sure that his story is told the way he wants it told, not how the failing news media would tell it, with its innumerable failures and buffoonery and evil, intentional and unintentional.

Gird your loins for more fuckery tomorrow after the report drops. He'll be screeching like a meth-addicted mongoose if he thinks it says even one small thing against him. Let's be there to cage him and ship him away.

4/16/2019

On the Road. In the Air. Across the Ocean. (But Enjoy the Podcast)

So I'm over here in the United Kingdom for valuable pub arguments about Brexit that only a stupid American can have with stupid Brits. I'll be back with more pungent rudeness tomorrow.

But the latest episode of Another Goddamn Podcast is out, and you should listen to that shit. It's a look back at Bush era immigration fuckery that's not so different than now, and the thrilling conclusion to my interview with comedian and writer Sarah Cooper. Subscribe. Rate. Review. Orgasm.

Enjoy it on the Sexy Liberal Podcast Network, alongside other awesome pods being cast by Stephanie Miller, Frangela, Dean Obeidallah, John Fugelsang, Randi Rhodes, Bob Cesca,

4/13/2019

Podcast, Patreon, and More Ways to Get Even Ruder

Last Monday, I put out the latest episode of Another Goddamn Podcast. That was the first part of my interview with the awesome writer and comedian Sarah Cooper. The second half will be out on this coming Monday with another new episode. What's with the sudden regular posting of the podcast as opposed to my half-assed, whenever-the-fuck-I-wants approach I was doing?

I'm now part of the Sexy Liberal Podcast Network, with Stephanie Miller, John Fugelsang, the hysterical Frangela, Dean Obeidallah, Randi Rhodes, and Bob Cesca (with more joining). It's like a cult with way less branding on our asses. And it's all a bunch of legit funny, pissed off people talking filthy about politics. 

You don't have to download them all (although you can and should because it's all free). But you can still subscribe to AGD Podcast, you can rate it, you can review it, you can live it, and it will make sweet love to you and treat you like you've always deserved to be treated.

Also, you can sign up for the Rude Pundit's Patreon page, where I post bonus material not seen or heard anywhere else, and you can donate as little as a buck a month to get more writing, more audio, and more interviews. In the last couple of months, Patreonanists have jumped into a conversation about which Democrats they currently support and they've read about my chatting up Michael Moore and the funny story of a thief I know, as well as a humor, pop culture, and other shit that needs to get out of my brain. Just $1 for a little extra rudeness, $3 for more, $5 for way too much, and $10 for more than I can even do right now. Goddamn, I gotta sleep sometimes.

If you're someone who doesn't want to donate monthly, if you just send me $50 or more, I'll send you the last 12 months of written posts. If you send $100 or more, shit, I'll throw in some of the audio. You can donate to ensure I never run out of whiskey, the podcast keeps going, and because you wanna feel good about supporting this shit.  Donate through PayPal either here or by pressing the magic button on the side there.

Ok. Enough housekeeping. Back Monday with a new episode, a new blog post, and a new Patreon post. It's not like we're running out of material in this fucking ludicrous age.

4/11/2019

Trump Likes to Watch

Let us say, and why not, that Donald Trump likes to watch members of his administration fuck and get fucked by animals. I mean, if there is one thing we know about Donald Trump, it's that, for almost every activity in his life short of playing golf and fucking porn stars and feeling up his daughter and glad-handing dictators, he prefers watching to doing. He stares at the goddamn TV all day. He makes other people do the firing. He doesn't even like to walk. That's how little he does. Remember the alleged pee tape? It wasn't that Russian prostitutes were pissing on him. He requested that the prostitutes do a show of pissing on the bed that Barack and Michelle Obama slept on when they were in Russia, and he watched that show, probably with that little, cruel smirk on his bloated, putrid face.

So let's say that when Trump wants to know how much his advisers, cabinet officials, and assorted lackeys are devoted to him and his mission to fuck shit up for the sake of fucking shit up, he asks them to have some kind of sex with some kind of animal. It's a loyalty method he learned from Roy Cohn, who was well known for letting goats fuck his ass whenever McCarthy wanted him to. Hell, McCarthy would invite J. Edgar Hoover over for a goat party, and Hoover would show up in full drag to let McCarthy pinch his man-tits while Cohn eagerly took goat cock.

Obviously, there are some true believers who are tripping over themselves to get their bestiality on with whatever beasts Trump wants. Mike Pompeo gladly fucked a large sow, who barely noticed it was being fucked. Betsy DeVos has had her ass eaten out by a well-trained iguana and a particularly anxious labradoodle that shit on her back. Racist ersatz human Stephen Miller creeped everyone in the room out by having a tiny grin on his unmoving face in his enormous alien head while he was fucked by a German shepherd.

Trump sits there in the Oval Office with the curtains closed and watches it all, usually with Ivanka, Jared, and his secret nurses by his side.

Mike Pence made a deal with Trump early on: no anal penetration and no placement of his holy dick in the orifice of another of God's creatures. However, Pence has learned to love sucking animal cock. He's blown donkeys and chimps. He even jacked off a lemur. Trump loves throwing new animals at Pence to see if he can get it to jizz. He'll have someone bring out a pangolin or some weird shit, and Pence will take stock of the situation before breaking out the hand lotion or lip balm and get down to business. "Hey, Mikey, he likes it," Trump will say when the aardvark or hairless cat ejaculates in Pence's pinched, pained face, and then Trump will look around to see if people get his 1970s joke and laugh. They do. Of course, they do.

When someone leaves the Trump administration, it's usually because they finally refuse to finger fuck a crocodile pussy or run away when they how weird a capybara penis is. Occasionally, they get out early. James Mattis avoided Trump constantly until one day the president pinned down the then-Secretary of Defense, handed him a jar, and said, "You smear this peanut butter on your balls and let that Great Dane lick it off." Mattis was out before the cap was even off the Jif. Kirstjen Nielsen let herself get fucked by a Shetland pony and let prarie dogs nibble at her nipples, but she drew the line when Trump had a boa constrictor brought out and wanted her to use it as a vibrator. Trump keeps pushing, wanting weirder and more dangerous shit because that's what it takes to keep him watching.

And then there are those who try and try but never can do enough. Poor Jeff Sessions made every effort to please the ever-watching president. He fucked sheep and chickens and all the farm animals he was given. He fucked and fucked, even though he was exhausted, even though he couldn't even orgasm anymore. When Trump started checking his phone to see how many retweets he had while Sessions was getting fucked by a frantic miniature donkey, it broke the Attorney General's soul.

So when someone new gets into a prime position in the administration, it's good to keep an eye out to see how willing that person is to go whole hog, if you will, into Trump's bizarre fetish/power trip.

When newly-minted Attorney General William Barr was speaking to the House and then the Senate judiciary committees this week, it was pretty clear that he was on board with the bestiality. That is a man who is DTFA. You could watch him lie about his redactions in the Mueller report and imagine that he had just been gang-banged by horny spider monkeys. You could watch him make the genuinely surprising and entirely fucked-up assertion that the FBI had been "spying" on the Trump campaign without good cause and picture this bulbous motherfucker hunched over while a zebra humped him. You know he gave a thumbs-up no matter how much pain and rupturing it might cause. Bill Barr will get fucked by animals as much as Trump wants.

I know, I know, we don't want this shit in our heads. We don't wanna think about Ben Carson receiving a rim job from a cocker spaniel. But we have to understand that the worst is happening. And the worst will continue to happen until it's stopped somehow. Hell, maybe the animals will have to do it for us. At this point, we'll fucking take our heroes in any genus. It's awful and it's agonizing and it's unending and it's not funny.

Although, ok, Mitch McConnell getting reamed out by a rhino. That's funny.

4/09/2019

Yeah, Conservative Jerks, We on the Left Did Have a Problem with Obama's Detention of Kids, But Trump's Far Worse

Let's get this out of the way: Except in rare cases, like suspected child trafficking or drug smuggling, migrant children were not separated from their families by the administration of Barack Obama. Our blithering cockknob president, Donald Trump, can insist, like a spoiled toddler in the ice cream sectin of Trader Joe's, that "President Obama separated the children.  Those cages that were shown — I think they were very inappropriate — they were built by President Obama’s administration, not by Trump.  President Obama had child separation.  Take a look.  The press knows it.  You know it.  We all know it.  I didn’t have — I’m the one that stopped it.  President Obama had child separation."

But that's a goddamn lie, and Trump can't jack it into being truth no matter how many times he yanks it. Shit, he went so far as to tweet out a Fox "news" video that showed reports on the detention of children in fenced-in centers during the Obama administration. And you know what? That shit's real. You got us.

Yup, the Obama administration did keep migrant children from Central America in large-scale detention centers, ones with metal fences and smaller, caged areas, in the United States, at Nogales, Arizona, among other places. But, and see if you can follow me here, you dumbass MAGA motherfuckers, the kids were traveling alone. They were unaccompanied minors. Obama's Border Patrol wasn't tearing families apart. It created places to house large numbers of children and women with children when immigration was surging in 2014. (And, hell, you idiots even missed that Obama's Secretary of Homeland Security thought the centers would be a "deterrent" to more children coming.)

Before you try yawping "Hypocrites!" at us in your barely human burble of noise that we might decipher as words, lemme correct you ahead of time. We on the left and those in the media had a big fuckin' problem with the treatment of the kids. The New York Times repeatedly editorialized on it.  Tons of news coverage went to the centers. That's why Fox "news" even has the footage it now shows to say, "See? The black guy did it" (when he totally wasn't doing the same thing). Hell, I wrote about it. There were many churches and charities willing to take in the kids and families. That's what should have happened.

Yet one of the things we were also writing about was how Republicans were being just complete motherfuckers about these kids and families fleeing violence in Honduras, Guatemala, and elsewhere. Yeah, we were saying to treat them with compassion and process their asylum claims. Republicans and their moron minions were threatening to bodily block buses of migrant children from getting into the United States.

The camps sucked. They were wrong, and we said so. And Obama thought it might make Republicans finally make some kind of deal on immigration. Obama's problem was always that he thought he was dealing with honorable humans when he was really dealing with the syphilitic whores and deranged weasel-fuckers of the GOP, and those craven cocks were only there to piss on anything Obama wanted.  Obama tried to get Republicans to devote more resources to processing people at the border and at ports of entry, but, well, Republicans.

We have the fucking receipts on this shit, man.  We have the 2011 Memorandum to ICE where it said that the agency "only has resources to remove approximately 400,000 aliens per year" so let's use those resources to go after the violent assholes, not families that have been here for decades. Oh, and, by the way, the policy also opposed "catch and release," that line Trump's used endlessly. The memo says they should also target those who only recently crossed illegally or violated visas and deport them "to avoid a return to the prior practice commonly and historically referred to as 'catch and release.'" Does that fuck up your nice little narrative?

Meanwhile, lumpish Trump is demanding that Border Patrol agents break the law to prevent migrants from entering, and he wants to go nutzoid on the family separation, the tears of children needed as the lube for his manic masturbation sessions, the only way he can forget what an impotent failure he is.

This utter contempt Trump has for desperate asylum seekers was on display today when he followed up his lie about Obama and family separation with "Once you don’t have it, that’s why you see many more people coming.  They’re coming like it’s a picnic because 'let’s go to Disneyland.'"

Yeah, we thought the Obama program was wrong and inhumane; at least he wanted to attempt compassion in the big picture. But this evil motherfucker in there now? Trump won't be happy until he can have armed goons shooting down at families from turrets in his bullshit wall.

And Stephen Miller will watch the videos of the massacres and giggle as he stitches together his newest skin suit.

4/04/2019

White Nationalists Suspected of Fire at Important Civil Rights Location

When I was working on my dissertation on labor unions in the early 20th century and their intersection with theatre, I did a great deal of archival research all around the United States. Most of it was at organized libraries, where well-trained archivists would bring me boxes of material to sort through at tightly-controlled spaces as I searched for play manuscripts that had never been published, as well as letters, programs, and anything else that would help.

Things were different when I went to the Highlander Center in New Market, Tennessee. For one, it was just up the road a bit from where I was living in Knoxville. And it's a compound of buildings, with gathering spaces and rooms for workshops. Highlander has a magical feel to it. It's not just the history, although that's pretty amazing.

Started in southeast Tennessee in 1932 as a place for the arts, it quickly became a space for union activism and organizing and training for the Civil Rights Movement, with Martin Luther King doing some of his early work there. After political forces closed the original Folk School, it moved to Knoxville for a decade (right across the Tennessee River from where I ended up living many years later). Finally, it moved to its current site in New Market in 1972. It is still deeply involved in the fight for racial and gender justice, as well as for rights for immigrants and workers.

I went to Highlander in the early 1990s, when it was still reeling from the death of one its founders, Myles Horton, and I got there just before they were going to send some of their archives up to the Wisconsin State Historical Society. They let me go up to the attic of the main building and told me I could dig through the boxes as long as I put everything back.  I sat on the dusty floor, crawling from box to box, poring through the history of the region, of the school, delicately opening folders with yellowed papers and fading photographs, until I found a bounty of typewritten pages, scripts from the 1930s, things that no one had looked at in over a half-century. I went back for days, and everyone there was encouraging and wanted to talk about what I found. They didn't even realize they had those documents. In the year or so I wandered the nation, gathering my material, Highlander was the place where I felt most connected to the past I wanted to reveal.

It had seemed that Highlander had outlasted the forces that tried to destroy it over and over, whether it was Communist-hunting opportunist politicians or the KKK tossing bombs into their windows or any of a number of threats. But last week, that main building burned to the ground in a suspicious fire. Nobody was hurt, although "decades of archives" were also destroyed. The fire is being investigated as arson.

And then, this week, the Center posted on its Facebook page that a white nationalist symbol was found spray-painted on their parking lot. The symbol is like a hashtag with extra lines, and while it comes from an anti-Semitic hate group from Romania in the 1930s, it is popular with the current crop of radicalized racists. The "triple cross" was seen on a t-shirt worn by at least one of the neo-Nazi pieces of garbage in Charlottesville, and it was on the gun used by the miserable worm who murdered so many people in Christchurch, New Zealand.

On Facebook, the directors of the Center wrote, "Highlander is a sacred place built by communities of the most affected people and it has become a home to those who believe in freedom and collective liberation here in the south, across the U.S and around the world. Because of our history we are not surprised that this space, one where marginalized people working across sectors, geographies and identities show up consistently, has been repeatedly targeted over our 87 years of existence."

And, depressingly, isn't that where we are now? While the White House conspicuously and suspiciously denies any upswing in white nationalist violence and terrorism in the United States, even the FBI director said today that the "danger ... of white supremacists, violent extremism or any other kind of extremism is, of course, significant...We assess that it is a persistent, pervasive threat." Murders, fires, intimidation, and more are going to proliferate unless law enforcement treats white nationalist groups like the terrorists they are.

I said that more than the history of Highlander made it magical. It's in a space surrounded by mountains, a gorgeous, peaceful area. When you step outside, you feel you are in the heart of Appalachia. And Highlander has worked to improve the lives of the people of the region as much as it has worked for anyone else. Even if one of those people is responsible for the fire, it won't deter the Center's mission to help them.

Highlander's leaders are unbowed. They wrote, "This is a time for building our power. Now is the time to be vigilant. To love each other and support each other and to keep each other safe in turbulent times. Now is not the time to dismiss how scary things are, which makes it even more important to have concrete assessments of concrete conditions, and sophisticated strategies to build a new world."

It is scary out there. And we need to fight the beliefs of those who want to scare us into complacency, retreat, and silence.

4/02/2019

The Trump-Forsaken, Flood-Fucked Farmers and Tribes

A state of emergency exists right now (or existed within the past week) for the Crow Reservation in Montana,  as well as in the Cheyenne River Sioux Tribe reservation and the Pine Ridge Reservation of the Oglala Sioux in South Dakota, all due to the insane, ongoing flooding from a sudden huge snowfall and sudden warm up that suddenly caused that sudden snow to become sudden water. In Nebraska, the Ponca and Santee Sioux tribes were affected by the floods, too.

The floods washed away a water line at Pine Ridge and while it was being repaired, the reservation didn't have safe drinking water. The waters have also prevented people from being able to get to grocery stores and pharmacies, and that's in a place of 20,000 people, half of whom live below the poverty line, where health problems are an issue without the roads to the doctor and, well, food being cut off. 

What does it mean that the road was cut off? Here's what one highway in Iowa looked like a few days ago:

How fucked are things in the Midwest right now? Those Iowa roads will take months to repair, with some not expected to open until the fall because the ground is so saturated they can't even get in the construction equipment to start work.

Oh, and the water in all these places is likely fucked, especially for people who rely on wells. See, floods tends to take anything they wash over with them, including shit and poison that covers the farms all over the region. That shit and poison is now polluting the wells. In 300 counties in 10 states are over a million people who rely on water from ground wells that could get a dose of poisonous shit water. We're not even talking about the Superfund clean-up sites that were already contaminated and that were hit by the floods in Nebraska and Missouri. More free-flowing chemical nightmares.

And there's the farmers. Yeah, that contaminated flood water is also fucking up the lives of thousands of farmers. It's not just that whatever crops they thought they might grow are gone. It's that the grain and soybeans they had in storage got contaminated by the poisonous shit water. That means that what a farmer hoped to sell to make up for how terrible things might be with the crops is now mostly going to have to be destroyed. And currently, the USDA doesn't have a fund to assist farmers with crops and stored grain lost in floods. Hundreds of thousands of acres of farm land were or are underwater. For soybean farmers already getting fucked by Trump's trade war with China, it's a double blow.

Trump is talking a good pro-farmer game right now as he intensifies his hate-fucking of Puerto Rico, which he sees as less worthy of government help than the almighty farmer. But Trump's 2020 budget proposal fucks over farmers nearly as badly; it cuts the budget of the USDA by over 14%, or $3.6 billion, and lowers the crop insurance subsidies for farmers, as well as capping what small farmers can get. Plus, if he closes the border with Mexico, well, that closes a huge market for American crops.

Just a continuous fucking by the potent combination of utter incompetence, complete ignorance, and willful dickishness that is the standard operating ethos of the Trump administration.

Meanwhile, the one issue that combines all of these issues, from South Dakota to Puerto Rico, climate change, ain't even on Trump's radar. But you can sure as hell bet it's on the minds of farmers. They fuckin' know, even if they want to pretend otherwise. The same goes for immigration issues. They know how shit works.

Of course, they're gonna have to figure out if their farms matter more than their racism in 2020.

3/29/2019

These Evil Motherfuckers Won't Be Satisfied Until We're All Dead and/or Dumb (Part 2: Dead)

Yeah, Donald Trump, listening to the most savage cockfleas in his inner circle of cockfleas, twatmites, and sphincterworms, wants the Supreme Court to overturn the entire Affordable Care Act, as a discredited decision from a federal court in Texas said should happen. The hitch for Trump is that the same five justices who upheld the ACA last time are still on the court. Remember: Kennedy wanted to overturn it; Roberts upheld all but the Medicare expansion. And the idea that John Roberts would want his legacy as Chief Justice to be that he kicked 20 million people off health insurance and allowed thousands of Americans to die is almost laughable.

Of course, we live in a filthy time when the laughably ludicrous and the unimaginably cruel dance madly with each other until they leap off a cliff and drag the rest of us with them.

The Dumb Orange Motherfucker in the White House couldn't give two jiggles of his jowls about whether or not people die, or even if those dead people come from his base. He wants to destroy one of the few remaining accomplishments of Barack Obama, who dared to be president while black. And Trump despises that nothing he has done and nothing he has ever done or will ever do will be as popular and important as Obamacare is right now. Not his worthless wall, not his fake peace with North Korea, not his debt-driving tax cuts. And not his terrible TV show and shitty buildings and forgotten books. So, fuck it, people must die to prove he can kill them.

Or at least he can tell the idiot hordes that populate his rallies of the damned that he's trying to murder them. Because they are hordes of idiots, they will yawp and roar in approval and chant, "Murder us! Murder us!" Nothing could be better than being murdered by Donald Trump, right, MAGA cretins? If he was chosen by God, then that's like being raptured. Fuckin' morons.

To be vaguely fair, Trump has promised that he's going to have a replacement for the ACA that will be so awesome you won't believe it. An aide to Vice President Mike Pence, who is the human embodiment of feeling constipated, said there will be a GOP health care plan this year, before the expected Supreme Court case, which would likely be decided in mid-2020.  Yes, this brain trust is going to do what Republicans haven't been able to do for the last 9 years. Get Jared on it.

Even Mitch McConnell has said, "Yeah, no, fuck this shit" about Trump's stand on the ACA. Although he has promised he will be a total dickhead about Medicare-for-All. So...points for consistency?

Of course, the ACA is the major way that these evil motherfuckers are trying to kill us. In ways large and small and medium, the Trump administration is trying to makes us sick, weak, and dead. Like: what is the rationale for slowing and threatening to cut aid to Puerto Rico, still suffering from the devastation of Hurricane Maria? Fuck 'em and let 'em die.

Check out some of the cuts in the dead-on-arrival 2020 budget the White House put out. In fact, let's just look at the Department of Health and Human Services.

For instance, there's a 12% cut in the Centers for Disease Control, that includes eliminating funding to universities for research and eliminating funding to states for studying climate and health, not to mention programs for alcoholism, glaucoma, and promotion of breastfeeding.

In the Administration for Children and Families, it's a $6.6 billion cut in funding, another 12% reduction from this year. This shit is just pure cruelty. There's a 10% cut in Temporary Assistant for Needy Families in order to "promote self-sufficiency" in, you know, needy families. Perhaps the most insidious cut is $91 million in refugee assistance to "reflect the expectation that fewer refugees and other entrants will enter the U.S. in FY 2020." There it is. We're not even gonna fund for allowing more brown refugees to defile our virginal white America.

Oh, and the budget cuts completely $3.7 billion in Low Income Home Energy Assistance, so, you know, poor, elderly people can die of heat exposure or freeze to death.

Yeah, they're gonna kill a bunch of us, but, man, that wall's gonna be so fuckin' pretty when it's made of our bones.

3/27/2019

These Evil Motherfuckers Won't Be Satisfied Until We're All Dumb and/or Dead (Part 1: Dumb)

So the proposed budget for the Department of Education, led by avaricious billionaire and every evil stepmother Betsy DeVos, has a $60 million increase in spending for charter schools.  The DOE is doing so despite a growing backlash against the entire charter school movement, as well as real doubts about the effectiveness of charter schools and the constant fraud and mismanagement that has plagued them.

Meanwhile, the DOE has proposed cutting a shit-ton of programs. You've heard about the $17.6 million eliminated funding for Special Olympics Education programs, a number so absurdly low relative to the wave of negative press coverage and growing outrage that you've gotta think that Trump just asked his cabinet to spitball ideas for something really vile and needlessly cruel he could do.

But there is a whole fuck of a lot of good shit on the chopping block, like killing $1.2 billion in after-school and before-school programs that even the DOE admits "provide safe spaces" for kids. Or eliminating the only other need-based grant for college assistance, the Federal Supplemental Educational Opportunity Grant. Another particularly dickish cut is $29 million for Arts in Education, which supports arts initiatives for "students from low-income families and students with disabilities." Oh, and the budget cuts funds meant to hire more teachers because who the fuck needs that, right? We learn everything we need from Trump tweets in this time of the Great Stupiding.

Many of these are dismissed in the budget summary with the blanket statement that a program "has limited impact and funds activities that are more appropriately supported with other Federal, State, local, and private funds." Motherfuckers, if state, local, and private funds could have funded this, no one would have asked the federal government to get involved in the first place. And these are just the eliminated programs. I didn't even mention the cuts to programs for Native American kids, as well as blind and deaf kids.

This doesn't just stick it to the inner cities and all those dark people who won't ever vote for Trump. Red states are gonna get fucked redder by these cuts. For example, programs in Mississippi are gonna get reamed out Deliverance-style. The funds that would allow the state to hire around 700 new teachers? Cut. Services for before and after school for 22,000 kids? Cut. Over $60 million in cuts to just three programs in that state. Go around Red State America. Who's gonna make up the $94 million in cuts to Louisiana? The $150 million in Ohio? The $400 million in Texas? Will Betsy DeVos pitch in? Maybe she can sell one of her ten yachts.

Defending these cuts like an automaton set on "barely-disguised contempt for you goddamn poors," DeVos told a congressional committee that "We had to make some difficult decisions with this budget."  Except they made stupid ones. Meanwhile, as pointed out at the hearing, a report showed that over $1 billion was wasted on "charter schools that never opened, or opened and then closed because of mismanagement and other reasons." Oh, yeah, and never forget that Republicans passed and Trump signed a tax cut for rich pricks that comes in at over $2 trillion over 10 years (or, you know, $230 billion a year, on average).

Why do this? Almost none of these things will pass. Many have already been declared dead on arrival Why put out a document that is the political equivalent of sticking one's mushroom dick in a light socket? Cutting Special Olympics has to be on the first page of the "Shit You Don't Do, Even In Case of Emergency" pamphlet they give you when you arrive in DC.

I could come up with all kinds of reasons that presuppose some sort of genuine ideology at work here. I could tell you it's part of the conservative push to make the federal government have no role in the everyday life of everyday Americans (unless you want an abortion). I could try to place this in context with typical GOP budget fuckery, where military spending is always huge, along with tax cuts, and domestic spending is always the target.

But, really, I think the answer is far more mundane and yet far more sinister. They do this shit because they get off on it. They get off on the outrage. It's what rich motherfuckers have always done to the rest of us. They make us dance and they make us scramble for their amusement. And they get away with it because they know nothing can ever really touch them.

3/25/2019

Random Observations on a Cover-Up: The Barr Letter, Not the Mueller Report

1. Fuck the spin. We know nothing about Special Counsel Robert Mueller's Report on the Investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Election. What we know is how Attorney General William Barr characterized the report and its findings. Barr is a Republican sin eater, engorging himself on a banquet of crimes and betrayals going back decades.  He has no moral or ethical standing here, and his legal standing is based on how he was going to wolf down the slop trough of sins of the Trump administration. Unless and until we see the actual report, the actual evidence, the actual two goddamn years of work that was done and that, apparently, Barr only needed less than two days digest and shit out a summary letter, we know nothing.

2. But, hey, for shits and giggles, let's say take the cackling Russia naysayers' perspective and treat Barr's letter like it's totally legit. Well, look at the second page, where Barr says explicitly that Mueller showed that Russia tried to interfere in the 2016 election. I mean, call me a crazy conspiracy theorist, but when I read, "The Special Counsel found that Russian government actors successfully hacked into computers and obtained emails from persons affiliated with the Clinton campaign and Democratic Party organizations, and publicly disseminated those materials through various intermediaries, including WikiLeaks," I think that's pretty fucking serious and damning and deserves action from, oh, hell, let's say the White House.

2a. Barr writes that "the Special Counsel did not find that any U.S. person or Trump campaign official or associate" conspired with Russians to spread disinformation through social media. But when it comes to the DNC hacks, he writes, " the Special Counsel did not find that the Trump campaign, or anyone associated with it" conspired on them, leaving out the more all-encompassing "any U.S. person." Which says to me that someone in the U.S. sure as shit conspired.

2b. This part is entirely fucked up: apparently, there were "multiple offers from Russian-affiliated individuals to assist the Trump campaign." So, just to get this right, Russian operatives told the Trump campaign, presumably Jared, Junior, and Manafort, "Hey, we're dicking around on social media and, by the way, we've hacked the shit out of Hillary's email. Wanna fuck?" And we know that Jared and/or Junior winked about lifting sanctions while saying out loud, "Oh, no, we'd never want that." And then they didn't go directly to the FBI and turn everyone in who contacted them. That inaction gave tacit approval. Put it this way: If President Hillary Clinton's campaign hadn't turned over Russian offers of hacked Trump emails to the FBI, DC would be on fire tonight as enraged Republicans demanded Pennsylvania Avenue run red with the blood of her administration.

2c. And if this had been written about President Hillary Clinton: "while this report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it also does not exonerate [her]," the only thing we'd be talking about is how she wasn't exonerated. The GOP and the media wouldn't let her say that she was exonerated. They wouldn't allow such an obvious, demonstrable lie. But with Trump, well, fuck us all, it never matters that he lies like the rest of us breathe.

2d. Frankly, Mueller's report could exonerate Trump on everything. It could be everything that Republicans are spinning it to be. But I'm not gonna buy anything one way or the other until we get to see the thing. I'd be a credulous idiot to think any other way. Right now, without the report, this is a cover-up. Of obstruction. Of the extent that our electoral system is at risk. Of what Trump's relationship with Russia actually is.

3. While Trump and his party of religious zealots, miserable racists, child molester enablers, and generally shitty humans are attacking Democrats savagely, let's not leave out the role Trump played in making the investigation into Russian meddling in the election all about him. He saw it as tainting his "Greatest Victory in the History of Everything Yeah You Heard Me Fuck You," so he sought to discredit the investigation and the people doing it.

But here's the trouble I have. If you believe the Barr letter, you have to believe that Russia did meddle in the election. It's right there. It says so. Yet every time Trump has been given the opportunity to agree with fucking everyone that such interference occurred, he has dismissed, demurred, or denied it. He has suggested multiple times that it could be the Chinese or the mythical 400-lb hacker. And his administration is doing precious little to prevent that interference again. This is like the climate change of espionage here: it happened. It's happening. Everyone knows it's happening. But because a tiny group of tiny dicks refuse to act, nothing will be done. And it'll just get worse while the tiny dicks get jacked off on all of us.

So, at best, Trump has such a fragile ego that he fears anyone questioning his election. Or he wants Russia to interfere. Or he's utterly compromised. In other words, he sure as shit acts like he's guilty and we're fucked either way.

4. Democrats did put too many eggs in Mueller's basket. And now they should kick the investigations into high gear. Get some fuckin' subpoenas going. Drag some motherfuckers before committees and put 'em under oath. Get Trump's goddamn tax returns. Some emoluments clause, motherfuckers. Some bribery.

Look, Trump is buried up to his neck in shit. Sure, it would be nice to have backed up dump truck of manure and covered his orange deflated yoga ball of a head. But we can also get our shovels and finish the job with the shit that's already there.

5. Let's fuck shit up in 2020. I don't buy that concentration on Russia has hurt Democrats. If anything, it has unified us and pissed us off. Feel that rage. Embrace it. Use it to fuel you through November 2020 because, without some miracle or dark magic, we're not getting out of the rest of this Trump term. Gird yer loins, motherfuckers. Gird 'em for the long fight.

3/22/2019

How to Survive the Next Few Days Until We Know What's in the Mueller Report

I know. I know you're sitting there with "It's Mueller Time" memes popping up all over your Twinstaface feeds. You're watching Rachel parse every word in Attorney General William Barr's memo informing us that he's received Robert Mueller's report on his investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election and other assorted matters. You're listening to every panelist from every administration since Nixon tell you what might be in there, what might get released, what Congress might get to see, what the White House might try to stop, and on. And on. And on.

And you're wondering, "How in the fucking fuck am I going to survive waiting until something definite is released or leaked?"

Lemme give you some tips.

1. Turn off the fuckin' news networks. Or turn it to the Weather Channel, where you can get news on the catastrophic floods in the Upper Midwest. Or watch BBC News, where you can realize that even people with posh accents can bumblefuck around like brain-damaged gibbons when it comes to Brexit.

2. But, no, seriously, turn off CNN and MSNBC (and if you're hate-watching Fox "news," the fuck is wrong with you? And if you're seriously watching Fox, fuck you). Most of the pundits and analysts are reading tea leaves in the dark, whether they say the report exonerates Trump or condemns Trump. They have a couple of vague ideas of what's in there (like explanations of the indictments Mueller has gotten, which mostly include lying to investigators for Mueller). But otherwise? They don't know a goddamn thing, and those channels have got 24 hours to fill with walking around while wearing blindfolds. It'll drive you nutzoid to stay tuned in.

3. Turn your hopes down for the report. It might be explosive. It might be disappointing. It might be frustratingly opaque. It might be brutally definitive. But if you've been fantasizing about Mueller arresting Trump and frog-marching him out of the White House, well, you're gonna need to pull that back a bit because he didn't. In fact, there won't be any more indictments coming because that wasn't Mueller's job. That's for others to decide based on the report. And there is every chance in the world that we might not learn everything that's in the report.

4. Concentrate on the shit we do know that we didn't even need Mueller for. Every day, Trump is doing something impeachable or demonstrating that he's unfit for office. Democrats need to talk about the shady business deals (which, yes, do cross over with Russia matters) and witness intimidation and erratic policy decisions and self-enriching and refusal to condemn white nationalism and hush money and more, far more than enough to impeach any president. If we put too much into the Mueller report (as too many Democrats have), then we lose the chance to convince people on the other shit.

5. I hear Captain Marvel and Us are good. Binge Catastrophe. Go March Madness mad. Ride a bike until you're so exhausted that you can't think about anything but the sweat in your eyes and aches in your calves. Drink. Try those edibles your brother brought over. (I think I just planned my weekend.)

6. Remember that what we know already is pretty amazing and damning.

7. Remember that, whatever is in the Mueller report, the SDNY is preparing to torpedo the entire, awful Trump family.  Remember that Democrats are proceeding, however overly cautiously, with their investigations. Remember that Trump is exposed in other jurisdictions, too.

8. But, mostly, really and sincerely, stop torturing yourself by watching the news networks squeeze every dingleberry of news out of the empty bowels of their sources. When we really know something, a fucking flare will go off on Twitter. Your news alerts will make your phone into your vibrator.

9. Rest. Because there is a very good chance we're gonna need our energy and our voices for the fights to come. Especially if, despite all our wishing, this presidency makes it to the 2020 election.

3/21/2019

Other Batshit Things Trump Said at His Latest Batshit Speech Besides Shitting All Over John McCain

Yes, yesterday, at a plant that makes tanks for Saudi Arabia, among others, in Lima, Ohio (motto: "It's about as awful a place as you think it is"), President Donald Trump dropped his pants and had Rob Portman hold him steady while he took a shit on Stephen Miller dressed up like John McCain. Because his diet consists of McDonald's, KFC, and Diet Coke, he sprayed his shit instead of having it come out in nice, compact turd form. Miller tried to sound like the deceased Arizona senator, saying, "No,  Mr. President, please, I'll give you the dossier. I'll turn my thumb around. Please stop shitting on me." Trump, of course, merely grunted and shit some more and looked at the dumbfounded factory workers as if to say, "Yeah, you like that. You like watching me shit on him." Miller loved it.

However, after he pulled up his pants (Hell, no, he didn't wipe. As he likes to say, "Only the gays put anything in their butts"), the rest of Trump's rambling, shambolic ranting was filled with utter bugfuck insane stuff. It's like his brain is just starting to curl into on itself, and he is just a stream-of-barely-consciousness spouting meat sack. A few examples:

-- Apparently, the only thing that tanks conjure for Trump is the 30 year-old image of then-Democratic presidential nominee Michael Dukakis riding around in one. Trump's brain is stuck in the 1980s, where almost all of his references begin and end. He punned, "[H]e tanked when he got into the tank. He tanked — I never saw anybody tank like that." If you're punching yourself in the face for reading that, well, get ready for his insult of Dukakis's height: "The helmet was bigger than he was.  That was not good." I'm gonna bet that a good many of the young workers there had no idea what the fuck this old man was talking about, but that never stops Trump from a good insult.

-- The parade of easily demonstrable lies was unusually brazen, like when he said, "Four straight years, the number of U.S. tanks that were budgeted for upgrades was zero." This is totally true if by "zero," Trump means, "Nearly two billion dollars." He does this shit just to degrade Barack Obama. In fact, he mockingly added, "That was under your great President Obama." Look at the utter, petty, ludicrous contempt with which he holds Obama. It's like the former president got an extra scoop of ice cream or fucked Ivanka. Later, he talked about how the United States is doing better economically than the rest of the world and added, for no goddamn reason at all, "That wouldn’t happen under Barack Obama, that I can tell you.  It wouldn’t happen under Crooked Hillary Clinton." He is constantly fighting these fantasy foes.

-- There were times where he just wandered off into the black hole of his ego, turning something that was about others into another airing of grievances. Talking about how much the workers there should love their jobs, Trump mewled, "I do, even though I have the fake news hounding me all the time.  The fake and phony and corrupt.  It’s fake.  It’s corrupt.  But we got to live with it, right?  Got to live with it." He just disappears up his own ass over and over again. And, to be fair, it would be easy to get lost in that ass.

-- Shecky Trump appeared again and again. He did his little shuck and jive about wind power, where he imagines there's no electricity if there's no wind one day. And then, I shit you not, Trump made the following joke about watching a particular TV show: "I think it was called 'Deface the Nation.' And — ladies and gentlemen, 'Deface the Nation.'" I don't know what was most soul-crushing: that he made the joke, that he thought it was a good joke, or that people actually laughed.

-- Of course, the McCain stuff was the most reported because so much of the rest of it is just typical batshit Trump, which we've pathetically gotten used to, even though it should never stop disturbing us to our cores. Trump asked for credit for McCain's funeral, which is just so fucking weird and shows how small, so very small, a man Trump is. But he wants credit for everything, like the Veteran's Choice Act, which was passed in 2014, or the factory itself: "Well, you better love me," he told the cheering workers when he entered. "I kept this place open, that I can tell you." (It wasn't going to close.)

He dismissed McCain at the end of his rant inside his rant with "Not my kind of guy." You know, I've got no love for John McCain, but I'd've loved it if his zombie corpse had risen up, shoved a bamboo stick up Trump's ass, and said in a horrible, rotted voice into Trump's ear, "Not my kind of guy, either." And then McCain could have moved on to all the Republicans who aren't condemning Trump for his insults, bamboo at the ready.

(Bonus: When Trump asked a worker to make a comment, this poor, dumb motherfucker actually said, "It is my personal opinion that God was looking after our country when you were elected." That he wasn't immediately crushed by a falling tank is proof that God doesn't exist.)