Trump Defenders Have a Bugnuts Meta-Conspiracy to Explain It All (Updated)

There is a simple number for figuring out exactly how batshit a conspiracy theory is: how many people would have to be in on it? If a conspiracy requires an extraordinary number of conspirators, including people who acted on it, as well as anyone tangentially involved, then chances are that there is no fucking way it's real. That's why I could never jump on the 9/11 "truth" bandwagon. You know how many people would be required to pull that off? Fuck that noise.

People wanna brag about shit they think they're getting away with. That's one reason that the investigation led by Robert Mueller into whatever the fuck was going on between Donald Trump, his company, his campaign, and Russia has gotten as far as it has. Dumb motherfuckers talk, whether it was George Papadopoulos or Donald Trump, Jr. or Michael Flynn or, shit, Trump himself. More and more, it's becoming clear that something is going to come from the Mueller probe or they wouldn't be interviewing people like the Attorney General and, at some point, the president. I think it's going to be more about laundering filthy Russian oligarch money than any kind of "collusion" or cooperation between the Russian government and the Trump campaign.

A big conclusion to all this is in the air, and so the squirrely motherfuckers on the right who wanna protect their leader, even if it's from treason, are coming up with a meta-conspiracy to explain why it seems that Trump is involved in some kind of conspiracy. And, depending on which conservative spoogebucket you listen to, they are getting bigger and nuttier.

It all comes down to the hot bugaboo for conspiracy theorists, the "Deep State," which used to mean the military industrial complex, that is, the actual military, intelligence services, and corporations that depend on the military, manipulating national and world events to their benefit, elected leaders be damned. Or something else. Honestly, I've tried to find a real definition, and I found about a dozen.

In the age of Trump, because everything is reduced to its stupidest version, it seems to mean "anyone who works in government who won't lick Trump's feet." You believe in climate change? That's Deep State. The EPA issues a press release with an anti-Trump quote? Deep State, motherfuckers. Congress won't do the 1000th investigation of Hillary Clinton's emails? Deep fuckin' State.

Now, supposedly the Deep State has taken over the Justice Department because of the Russia investigation and because of this bullshit memo by bullshit Republican Representative Devin Bullshit Nunes that purports to show that the FBI is biased against Trump because of some supposedly illegal surveillance. Or something. Whatever is in the memo, it's a fucking lie. And somehow the text messages of two FBI agents who were fucking reveals some something that means something to someone, mostly on Fox "news," and it's driving Trump even more monkeyfuck insane than usual.

All of this has caused even crazier shit to fly through the DC air. GOP Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin said on Fox "news," of course, that there is a "secret society" in the FBI. Yeah, apparently they meet in some secret location to plot secretly to bring down the president. Now, frankly, at this point, that would actually be something of a comfort, but it's not happening, not the least because it's just dumb and also because, again, a lot of fucking people would have to be involved, as Johnson himself claims: "There were indications there were a number of high level FBI officials holding secret meetings off-site." Yeah, and no one would leak that shit, right?

Update: Oh, and the whole "secret society" thing is from one of those text messages between the aforementioned agents who were fucking each other. One said, "Maybe it should just be the first meeting of the secret society." Because, yeah, the one thing you do when you're in a secret society is totally text about it on your FBI phone.

But Johnson's super secret clubhouse of secret spies has nothing on right-wing radio host and amazingly still alive Rush Limbaugh. Yesterday on his show, Jiggly the Clown's Masturbatorium of Lies and Racism, Jiggly Limbaugh went over the edge of sanity with such velocity that he launched out of the studio and into a rubber room. He retrofit the Deep State to explain why George W. Bush didn't actually lie us into war with Iraq. It was those wily Democrats and their Deep State allies concocting the weapons of mass destruction narrative to trick poor Bush. No, really. Here's Jiggly:

"What if the intel on the war in Iraq was another disinformation campaign to damage another Republican president?...So we know the deep state can mobilize if they want to, and they can create false narratives that everybody in the media believes. Even had the Republican Party for a year believing that Trump had conspired with Russia maybe to steal the election. What if Saddam's weapons of mass destruction was also a false narrative designed to…? Did it ultimately embarrass Bush? Did it weaken the U.S. military? Whatever it did, I mean, it opened the doors for the Democrats to literally destroy his presidency in the second term. Which is what they did."

Oh, shit, that's some pure, uncut nutsy. Snort that shit right off Hillary's email server. Get some over to Alex Jones because Limbaugh is stealing Jones's shtick.

The level of denial on the Trump right is palpably at panic. Because, see, what's easier for you to believe? That you supported a criminal and possible traitor just so you could get some tax cuts and destroy the black president's legacy out of spite? Or that potentially hundreds of FBI and other law enforcement agents are involved in a conspiracy to make everyone believe that a criminal and possible traitor got elected? Hell, some on the right are calling for the arrest of people in the DOJ over this fake conspiracy.

That spin you hear is really the sound of pants being shit in.