Pre-Debate Palate Cleanser: Oh, There's Way More Stupid to Gary Johnson

If you haven't yet watched John Oliver's genuinely brutal takedown of third party candidates Gary Johnson and Jill Stein, do yourself a favor and check it out. You'll get all kinds of bizarro fuckery and Stein's attempt at being Ani DiFranco.

But that only scratches the surface of the things that Libertarian candidate Johnson has on his own website, where everything is written in the drawl of Johnson's middle-aged stoner who just discovered weed is far more potent now than when he was a teenager. For instance, here's the actual language from the section "Environment," which is notable for having no plan for protecting the, you know, environment: "Is the climate changing? Probably so. Is man contributing to that change? Probably so. But the critical question is whether the politicians’ efforts to regulate, tax and manipulate the private sector are cost-effective – or effective at all."

That sort of "Eh, maybe, but whatcha gonna do? Shit happens" approach is pretty much the entirety of the Johnson/Weld platform. (And, by the way, a johnson weld sounds like an incredibly painful and ultimately useless operation to get a bigger penis.) Frankly, Johnson's got a boner for wrecking the environment, being pro-fracking and pro-fossil fuels expansion without trying to mitigate the effects of all of that.

Other issues are treated with basic Republican bullshit, except with an added twist of madness. In "Education," Johnson asserts, "[He] advocated a universally available program for school choice. Competition, he believes, will make our public and private educational institutions better." And Hunger Games will make our students learn how to survive the collapse of society. The mad twist, and, to be fair, he's not the first right-wing politician to propose this, is "he believes we should eliminate the federal Department of Education" and send everything to the states, which means that Alabama could pass a law saying that your Pell Grant can only be used for colleges that teach creationism is true and slavery was awesome.

Now, sure, sure, Johnson has policies that a liberal can love, like being pro-choice and pro-pot and anti-interventionist, but your cool uncle who'll drive you to your abortion and tell you why the Iraq War is bullshit while sharing his stash also has your usual "Oh, fuckin' c'mon" Ron Paul-ish beliefs, like a return to the gold standard for currency, cuts to and privatization of Social Security, and other shit. He likes ludicrous "religious freedom" laws and is against pretty much any gun laws, including schools as gun-free zones. He opposes raising the minimum wage and paid family and medical leave.

In other words, sure, if you're a Republican who cannot stomach a vote for Trump and doesn't give a shit about climate change and just would like to vote for a dumbass without a Hitler complex, well, have at.

(Note: No, I won't be doing one of these on Jill Stein because why?)