Donald Trump: I Will Build the Most Unnecessary Military in the World

Anyone who thinks that Republican presidential candidate and walking traffic cone Donald Trump is prepared to handle the security of the nation is too fucking dumb to reason with and would probably be left in the snow to die if we lived in the Arctic. And that goes for the list of retired military leaders who endorsed him, most of whom are insignificant or worthless or incompetent or utterly full of shit. "Losers," in Trump's charmless parlance.

But there he was, in Philadelphia, giving another goddamn speech where he didn't end up face fucking a voter and then shitting his pants so it was definitely more presidential or some such nonsense. And what a speech, much like the one yesterday in North Carolina (state motto: "Preventing black people from voting for over three centuries"). Man, Trump was just jizzing all over the military, like a frantically masturbating mandrill, bouncing between stating the obvious and proposing the useless.

For instance, how many current military leaders thought, "The fuck?" after hearing Trump say, "We are going to convey my top generals and give them a simple instruction. They will have 30 days to submit to the Oval Office a plan for soundly and quickly defeating ISIS. We have no choice." And what if they don't have a plan in 30 days? Or, more likely, they'll just hand him the fucking plan that we're doing now, which is actually working, and say, "Yeah, here's the fuckin' plan, asshole. It's the same fuckin' plan. Any other bright ideas, genius? You said you knew more than us." Already, one retired general has called "bullshit" on Trump. And everybody else ought to be asking, "You told us you had a plan. That was it? That was your secret plan that you couldn't tell anyone because you didn't want to tip the enemy? How fucking dumb do you think ISIS leaders are that they couldn't figure out, 'Ask your generals what to do'? Jesus, we're hosed." Followed, of course, by mass desertion.

The other part of Trump's strategy for keeping the United States safe from the Soviet Union, apparently, is to build up the military to be even larger than it was at its peak. Yeah, motherfuckers, we're gonna do this shit Reagan-style. Who gives a fuck that the Navy is better equipped and able to fight with greater efficiency now? They get a hundred more ships whether they fuckin' want 'em or not. And you can bet your left tits that we're gonna do missile defense again. Star Wars, baby, and this time we're gonna build that shit out of gold so everyone knows that America is the best, the most tremendous, hugest, biggliest swingin' dicks in the known universe, no matter how worthless and wasteful the entire effort is.

How are we gonna pay for all of it? Trump will "end the sequester," which is so totally cool and easy to do, right? I mean, it's not like the sequester exists because many of the Republicans in Congress staked their entire pathetic careers on the chimera of budget austerity. And how else? Magic, bitches, magic. He'll find taxes that aren't paid and cut money from programs that he thinks are worthless.

It's all such lies and braggadocio and self-fellatio and, of course, of course, of course, some on the right think Trump's a goddamn military mastermind, even if he is busy sucking his own dick. There aren't enough ice floes to put them all on.