You Are a Soldier in a "Sexual War Against Christianity"

As a member of the Super-Duper Prayer Team of the nutzoid evangelical Family Research Council (motto: "Praying the gays stay so we can get paid"), the Rude Pundit is regularly informed of events occurring right under his nose that he had no idea about. For instance, did you know that a bunch of fucknut legislators in subhuman states like Mississippi and North Carolina aren't just passing hate-filled anti-LGBT discrimination disguised as laws? Oh, no. They are soldiers, motherfuckers, those fucknuts, soldiers in a "sexual war against Christianity." It's on, people, and you better pick a side.

The Rude Pundit joined the Super-Duper Prayer Team ages ago under a nom de rude, and, every week, he receives his praynalingus orders on what for and why to implore the Lord Jeeezus for guidance and grace in these sinful times. Mostly it's just about whores having abortions and queers doing queer shit. But Jeeezus is there for all of us when we're on our knees, placing his strong hand on the back of our heads to make sure we pray hard enough so we can receive every drop of his blessings. Don't you even try to stop your supplications until he's ready for you to stop.

This week, the SDPT got word that we had a victory in the sexy war down in Mississippi, which, unlike those pussies in Indiana and their weak-ass "Religious Freedom Reformation Act," didn't cave to the LGBT soldiers of Satan and passed the "Protecting Freedom of Conscience from Government Discrimination Act." Listen: "The rage focused against state RFRA’s and Government Non-Discrimination Acts (GNDAs) coupled with aggressive efforts to implement pro-LGBT 'Sexual Orientation/Gender Identity' laws (SOGI’s – also called bathroom bills) has reached new heights of insanity. The entry of big business in support of the LGBT activist crowd has multiplied the pressure and intimidation that our elected officials face."

Don't you get it? It's a fuckin' war, fuckos, the shit, the big muddy. You gotta fight for your right not to let people potty. Up is down, down is up, the gays are discriminating against the godly folk: "Many of the intolerant 'tolerance' crowd of moneyed activists behind this movement are the true discriminators who want nothing less than to replace the moral foundation of our nation. Theirs is an assault against Christianity and Christians in particular" by saying that people should be allowed to shit in the public restroom where they feel their gender identity belongs. Surely, Jeeezus wouldn't allow that. Surely, Christ-man hisself would tell transgender people that whoever is without sin shall drop the first turd.

So we gotta pray because we are the Prayer Team: "May pastors teach their flocks about the realities of the war being waged upon them. May they enlist Christian citizens to do their part to protect their children and grandchildren from becoming victims of SOGI laws. May every state legislature and Congress pass effective laws, replacing ineffective laws with ones that truly protect the religious liberty for all Americans." Man, sometimes these prayers get damned specific. But it's for all of us because aren't we, each and every one of us, children and grandchildren? Do we not want to piss without worrying that a fake transgender person is going to rape us in the Hardee's ladies room, despite the fact that that's never happened? Well, it fuckin' might.

As always, the SDPT is provided with Bible verses to help us with our praying, like, in this case, Proverbs 29 Verse 2: "When the righteous are in authority, the people rejoice: but when the wicked beareth rule, the people mourn" (King James version forever). Of course, two verses later, it says, "The king by judgment establisheth the land: but he that receiveth gifts overthroweth it," which is funny when you consider that a big fuckin' "Donate" button sits over the page.

And then, in Verse 7, "The righteous considereth the cause of the poor: but the wicked regardeth not to know it," which seems like maybe you should spend a little more fuckin' time worrying about the poor than whether your oversensitive God actually gives a shit where someone takes a dump.