"Okay, everyone, let's be perfectly clear: a 'schlong' is a dick. If you are being schlonged, you are being dicked. If you are being dicked, you are being fucked, probably in the ass, since then the receiver of a theoretical schlonging is gender nonspecific. Donald Trump did not say I was 'schlonged over,' which is a bit more euphemistic. He said I was 'schlonged.' So if you want a candidate who thinks it's totally fine to say that another candidate was ass-fucked out of an election, Trump is your man. And if Trump is your man, then fuck you, and, let me be perfectly, un-Yiddishly clear about this, you can take your fist and shove it up your own ass, you fucking idiots.
"You got that? I'm not speaking in code or nuance, and I'm being vulgar. I'm not going to play Trump's pussy game of coming back later to say, 'Oh, I didn't mean you got fucked when I totally said you got fucked.' I'm saying that you, Trump voters, are idiots and inbreds and shut-ins and freaks. And that you should take your hand, make a fist, reach your fist around until it is just outside your asshole, and then you should work to shove your own fist into your anus, dislocating your shoulder to do it, should that be necessary. You are all disgraces to democracy.
"Donald Trump also questioned what I was doing in the bathroom during a break where it took me a couple of seconds longer to get back to the podium during Saturday's debate. He said, and I quote, 'I know where she went -- it's disgusting, I don't want to talk about it. No, it's too disgusting. Don't say it, it's disgusting.' You're right, Mr. Trump. I took a huge shit between commercials, just a moaning, nearly orgasmic shit, and I looked in the bowl after and named it 'Donald.' Then I wiped my ass and I named each tissue after one of your wives. This one's Ivana. This one's Marla. This one's Melania.
"Seriously, what does Donald Trump do in the bathroom that makes him think it's so disgusting? I pissed in a clean toilet in a clean bathroom, used a clean piece of toilet paper to wipe, washed my hands with soap and water, and came back to work. Does he have one of those weak penises that sprays urine in two or three different directions? Does he shart his pants every time he tries to push a dribble of piss out? Or maybe his diet of caviar and champagne and the tears of immigrants is such that he has constant diarrhea, blowing out the porcelain over and over again with a fire hose of liquid shits and blood. Yeah, that's disgusting.
"This election is so fucking dumb at this point. And right now there is a good chance that I'm going to have to stand on a stage with Mr. Trump and debate him. It should make us ashamed to be Americans, the idea that a significant portion of the population thinks that a man who never held elected office and who says his best qualifications include hosting a reality show should be president over a woman who worked on huge cases as a lawyer and was a Senator and a Secretary of State.
"Losing to Barack Obama? That wasn't getting schlonged. Being forced to respond to every stupid thing vomited out of Donald Trump's mouth, the really disgusting thing in this whole bullshit uproar? That is not just me getting schlonged, but the entire country. Vote for me and I'll cut off his schlong and toss into the garbage disposal, where it belongs.
"Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year."
(Note: That last line was the Christmas part.)