The Epically Awful New Donald Trump Radio Ads (and Other Stuff)

Yes, yes, we're all caught up in whether or not Ben Carson stabbed a guy 40 or 50 years ago or whether or not the pyramids were made by aliens so the amazing technicolor dreamcoat guy could store grain (teach the controversy, people).  And perhaps we're talking about how Chris Christie, once the man destined to smite all other candidates, has been outbullied on the campaign trail and now has to sit at the kids' table at the next GOP debate on November 10.

But let us pause to recognize that the man who out-assholed Christie, Donald Trump, just released his first radio ads, and they are so epically awful that they sound like some YouTube smartass's parodies of Trump ads.

In one of the two commercials, Trump himself does the talking over royalty-free generic patriotic music.  Sounding for all the world like every male used car dealer in the Northeast, Trump makes grand pronouncements about how unbelievably amazing his America will be. "The fact is," Trump says, "I'm going to make the greatest trade deals we've ever made in our country." Obviously, the meaning of the word "fact" doesn't matter here.

He goes on, "I'll...make our military so strong that nobody will mess with us." Just like no one ever messed with us during Reagan or Bush II's presidencies, except for all those times they messed with us (note: we've had the strongest military in the world for some time. We're still messed with).

"People of Iowa, vote for me and you'll never be disappointed," he assures us. "I don't disappoint people."  He might have followed that up with "Except for a few ex-wives and the employees at my businesses that went bankrupt and all those chumps who paid to go to Trump University, but none of them are real people like you people of Iowa."

The second one features a woman's voice and, if possible, is even more obnoxious. Trump "will stop illegal immigration and drug trafficking by building a wall on our southern border," she says, "and he will make Mexico pay for it." It sounds like there's an implied "or else" in there.

Even more violent, she informs us, "Donald Trump will protect Israel and brutally and quickly cut the head off of ISIS." Has anyone running for president ever promised brutality? That's kind of fucked up right there.  What does he mean by "brutally"? Is it "Trump will cut their throats in front of their children after raping their wives"? Is it "Donald Trump will bomb even more recklessly than we are bombing right now and will bathe in the gore of our enemies"?

Well, either way, "It's time to make America great again, maybe greater than ever before," she promises, as if saying, "He won't fuck up the progress we've made so far" because, let's face it, in terms of progress of rights, peace in the nation, crime, and lots of other measures, America is greater than ever before right now. In fact, except for a few times, generally brought on by Republican policies, America is always greater than it was, if for no other reason than medicine and technology and other shit that makes life better.

The tone of the ads suggests a guy who can fuck shit up when, really,  Trump is just a pampered rich punk with the voice of every egotistical street corner dickhead. That second ad says that he "learned the values of hard work, determination, and faith at an early age."  Nowadays, Trump says that he got a "a small loan" of a million bucks from his dad to start his business career. It was actually $9.6 million, according Trump in a 2007 deposition. Hard work and daddy's cash, just like Americans love.

What does it matter? Trump will make America great again. He says so. His hats say so. His ads say so. Brutally.

Other stuff: Two things came up while the Rude Pundit was writing this.

First, President Obama finally, at long last killed the Keystone XL pipeline, announcing it with as simple a response to his critics as he's ever mustered during his presidency: "So while our politics have been consumed by a debate over whether or not this pipeline would create jobs and lower gas prices, we’ve gone ahead and created jobs and lowered gas prices." Yup, pretty much. And, of course, Republicans are going full-blown rage monster about it. Next Tuesday's debate will be fun.

And we learned that the liberal media prevented Ben Carson from telling the truth about getting a full scholarship to West Point. Turns out, he never even applied. In an ordinary election cycle, his campaign would be over and he'd go on the Secular Progressives Suck speaking tour he's destined for. But, shit, this time around, he'll probably say baby Jesus forgave him and his poll numbers will go up.

Correction: A previous version said that the Joseph that Carson refers to was Jesus's stepdad. Wrong testament. It has been corrected. Thanks to rude reader Patrick B. for keeping him holy.