Dick Cheney: "We're All Gonna Die (Except Me)"

So it was that today, the sewage blob that can take the shape of a man known as "Dick Cheney," who was once the Vice President of the United States, undulated to the lectern at the American Enterprise Insititute (motto: "Allowing fecal goo a platform for years") and spewed its diseased combination of apocalyptic madness and paranoia, promising Armageddon should the Iran nuclear pact go into effect.

Despite the fact that Cheney is the one who swatted at phantoms with the full force of the U.S. military, even when told that phantoms don't exist, he insisted, with no evidence at all, that Iran wants to blow up the United States: "With the removal of restrictions on Iran’s ballistic missile program, this agreement will give Iran the means to launch a nuclear attack on the U.S. homeland. I know of no nation in history that has agreed to guarantee that the means of its own destruction will be in the hands of another nation, particularly one that is hostile. What President Obama is asking the United States Congress to do is unique — historically and dangerously unique. The results may be catastrophic."

Other than saying the exact opposite of what the deal actually does, one would have to ask, "What the fuck are you talking about, Dick?" Put aside that if Iran were to "launch a nuclear attack," it would immediately be turned into a large glass parking lot by the full force of our terrifying arsenal and that Iran seems more inclined to want to rejoin the world than fulfill some mass suicide pact. Cheney goes farther than anyone has gone in describing the threat of a nuclear Iran. Usually, it's just "Israel, man, Israel," and that's enough of a whistle to make all the hawk dogs come runnning. 

But now Cheney ups the motherfucking ante: You will be nuked by Iran if this agreement goes forward. Your shit will be made radioactive. Your children will burn. (Secretly, Cheney has always masturbated to images of scarred and screaming children. The more chemical the burns, the better. He clicks through the photos by degrees, intensely smacking his Dick dick until he reaches to-the-bone fourth degree and, "Sweet Jesus, thank you for the gift of phosphorus," he cries as he climaxes and blows out his own white powder. When the Code Pink protesters today interrupted by calling him a "war criminal," not only did it not shake Cheney even a little - it made him get hard. Hell, he almost told them to keep chanting so he could go home and commit a few atrocities on Lynne.)

The reactions are as expected from the left and from the rational: Cheney is delusional. Cheney is a liar. Yes, yes, of course, to all of it. But he doesn't care. All that matters is that Cheney justify his madness in the tones of an Old Testament prophet, carrying on about gods that are destroyers of worlds, in order to counter any of the pussies from the old team, like that traitorous black prick, Colin Powell, from incriminating him any further than he already has been. 

Cheney is our American cockroach. He will continue to exist unless we actively crush him.