The Deep Empty in the Heart of the Republican Victory

The vacuous tautology at the center of the Republican victory last week is most fully, if unintentionally, explained by Bush leg humper and Washington Post scrawler Marc Thiessen. In his latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "A simulacrum of a parody of a satire of a farce of an opinion, covered in shit"), Thiessen focuses in on the Republican winning wave in state legislatures and governors' mansions: "A conservative revolution has been taking place in the American heartland. And that revolution will have lasting consequences in a number of areas."

What's the fuck's the proof of this conservative revolution, Tiffani...sorry, Marc? That states in that mythical heartland passed minimum wage hikes by enormous margins? That two out of three states defeated anti-abortion measures? What exactly is the proof other than 20% or so of voters voted for them?

Thiessen explains, "Instead of fighting over fiscal cliffs, sequesters and debt limits, [GOP state governments] are focused on improving education, reforming government, lowering taxes, fixing entitlements, caring for the poor, reducing dependency and creating jobs and opportunities for the unemployed." And as for evidence of this, Thiessen offers exactly nothing. Not a goddamn program. Not a goddamn specific state that's improved. Not a goddamn idea that has worked. Where would he go? The heart of the heart of the heartland, Kansas, is a clusterfuck of failure, with cuts to education and all those things that do provide "caring for the poor" because of insane tax cuts.

By the way, when the fuck did conservatives start thinking that government should care for the poor? By taking away their food stamps and housing programs and slashing public education? That's like saying that hockey fans really care about the injuries to players on the opposing team. Or like saying that a murderer cares enough to cause you the most pain before he finishes you off.

National Republicans "should take a page from the GOP playbook in states and champion a positive, hopeful reform agenda," Thiessen writes. Yes, let's check in on the positive, hopeful reform agenda in the heartland where the revolution has occurred. In some states, the hopeful, positive Republicans are figuring out how to chop up their states into smaller districts so that they can divide the electoral college votes, which must prove how dedicated they are to unity. In Tennessee, Republicans are using the just-passed Amendment 1 to come up with more hope-instilling abortion regulations. In Michigan, several Republican legislators are positively making moves to keep same-sex marriage illegal and even to criminalize being gay. In Texas, one positive legislator wants to allow businesses to be able to discriminate against LGBT people. In Missouri, they're pretty much fully erect to pass tax cuts over Gov. Jay Nixon's head, thanks to a stupid constitutional amendment the stupid Show-Me-Your-Ass state voters stupidly...sorry, hopefully voted for. In New Jersey and Ohio, they'll get to continue the shitty job creation rate with hope and no programs.

No, Thiessen gives us nothing to hold onto. And that was the tale of the 2014 election. The message was "Republicans are; Democrats aren't." You, being a wise reader of this wise, if rude, blog, might ask, "The fuck? Are what, motherfucker?" And the answer is like koan for the imbecilic: "Republicans are because they are." It doesn't matter what they might or might not do. Fuck, we can take care of what we really want in ballot measures (although, really, you can't). All that matters is that Republicans are and Democrats aren't.

There is no fucking mandate for Republicans. There is only sheer force over timidity. There is only bludgeoning people with bullshit. And it will have "lasting consequences," as Thiessen threatens. The fuckery that will be done by state legislatures in the next couple of years will demonstrate that the deep empty in the heart of their agendas is a void that sucks us all in.