John Kerry Declares His Penis Is "Unbelievably Small"

John Kerry Declares His Penis Is "Unbelievably Small":
In an article published this morning in The Guardian, John Kerry is quoted saying that any attack on Syria would be "unbelievably small." Frankly, at that point, Kerry may as well have said to the press, "I want to assure you that should I decide to fuck Syria, in its ass or perhaps in its vagina, should it have one, I will not create any sustained damage to the fucked orifice. Indeed, my penis is unbelievably small, and while I will get all the pleasure I can out of fucking Syria, it will barely feel it. Oh, yes, Syria will know that I have fucked it because of the bit of ejaculate left behind. It will be so little because my balls are also undersized. Yes, it is true, I will be able to brag to everyone that I did fuck Syria, which, in case you haven't figured it out, is really the point. I know that everyone is worried about the unintended consequences of me fucking Syria, like diseases, for example. However, I am assuring the world that I am disease free and nothing of the sort will happen. If everything goes as planned, Syria will learn that it can't get away with that sort of behavior because of the power of my penis, which, let me reiterate, is unbelievably small."

Seriously, this shit is getting embarrassing. Between Kerry reassuring our allies that we only wanna bomb a little bit, pretty please, and Vladimir "Behold My Totally Not-Gay Nipples" Putin, for fuck's sake, seeking to play the role of diplomat by saying that Syria needs to place its chemical weapons under "international control," we are really in some kind of bizarro world where nothing makes sense anymore. And, hey, let's throw into the mix Kerry's State Department, channeling Condi and Colin, actually saying about Bashar al Assad, "[T]his brutal dictator with a history of playing fast and loose with the facts cannot be trusted to turn over chemical weapons, otherwise he would have done so long ago. That's why the world faces this moment."

(No, really. On March 9, 2003, on This Week with George Stephanopoulos's Hair, then National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice called Saddam Hussein a "dictator" who "plays games" with weapons inspectors and "you have to ask yourself, are you willing to trust this regime once inspectors are gone?")

It's all fucked up out there. The Obama administration hasn't released any definitive proof of the Syrian government's role in the chemical weapons attack and seems to be playing fast and loose with the number of dead. Republicans and conservative talkbots, who, strangely, last opposed a war when Bill Clinton was in office, are praising Putin. There's a couple of million refugees that really need help, living in camps where the infusion of hundreds of millions of dollars in American aid would probably do more to turn hearts and minds than minimal bombing in Damascus, which crazy-as-a-shithouse-rat Assad told Charlie Rose would cause possible terrorist attacks in response. Fuck everyone involved in this, man.

Man, somewhere you know that George W. Bush is laughing his miserable bony ass off, calling Dick Cheney to giggle it up about how they have the world tied in knots, how they've made things that may, in fact, be true sound like lies because their lies sounded like the truth to so many people. How they have made the world a skittish place for even the consideration of action. And how they left behind a tangled pile of live wires and a dare to try to figure it out before you get electrocuted.