7/29/2013

Rand Paul Laughs at You Smug Yankees Wanting to Rebuild Your Storm-Wrecked Houses

Rand Paul Laughs at You Smug Yankees Wanting to Rebuild Your Storm-Wrecked Houses:
The Rude Pundit wasn't sure how the hell he ended up on the stoop of a brick apartment building in the South Street Seaport in Manhattan this morning. He'll blame the last thing he remembers - downing some unholy blend of Yamazaki whiskey and opium tea at a tiny hipster apartment across the river. All around him were the sounds of construction. He headed down the street to one of his favorite coffee joints, Jack's, but it was closed, with equipment and plaster strewn around the place.

In fact, except for another new coffee place, just about everything was closed and/or under (re)construction. Because, see, the South Street Seaport was royally fucked by Superstorm Sandy last October, with some places swamped by 11 feet of water. Yeah, it was a goddamn crowded tourist mecca, but the South Street Seaport was filled with lots of stores and businesses and cafes and restaurants owned by individuals, not just things like the Gap. Let's not even get into the history of the buildings, some 150 years old or more. Let's not get into the homes people had in the area. And in these summer days, the place would be bursting with visitors, pouring their money into the local economy, providing jobs, and keeping the wheels of local capitalism a-flowing. But not for nine months now.

The rebuilding is happening, yes, slowly, with the major profitable season passing by, passing by. And, with the jackhammering happening a couple of blocks away, it was quiet enough on the street for the Rude Pundit to lean back across the stoop and try to catch a few rays before heading home to shower.

And upon getting home, the Rude Pundit checked the news to see that Republican Senator Rand Paul, a man who looks like he's had enough weed at the frat house to agree to hand job the school's goat mascot for 20 bucks, had continued the war with the "establishment" in his party, lashing out at Chris Christie and others who had dared to call him weak on security. Normally, a GOP slap fight is fun to watch - just get a lawn chair and some popcorn. But this took a slightly more disturbing turn.

At a barbecue meet-and-greet-and-get-money in Franklin, Tennessee, Sen. Paul said, "They’re precisely the same people who are unwilling to cut the spending, and they're ‘Gimme, gimme, gimme — give me all my Sandy money now.’ Those are the people who are bankrupting the government and not letting enough money be left over for national defense." And, thus, the goat's cock yanked well and vigorously, the lucky animal blew a load all over the arm of a giggling Rand Paul to the cheers of his brothers.

Now, as a person who has seen too many places he loves devastated by natural events (albeit, ones that were surely enhanced by our ever-growing weather fucked-pocalypse), the Rude Pundit's first reaction is "I hope that you get mouth-raped by a bear, Rand Paul." But he's sure that Paul's audience in Franklin cheered and laughed at the Senator's jab at the North because, you know, Jews and Yankees and Union sympathizers. So, rather than sending horny male bears needing oral pleasure in to attack each and everyone at the event, let's take the high ground.

Here's a quote from a March 5, 2012, letter, co-signed by Senators Mitch McConnell and, hey, wow, Rand Paul to President Obama, requesting that a request for federal aid for storm and tornado-plagued Kentucky be forthcoming: "Timely and serious consideration of the Governor's disaster declaration request on your part would aid Kentucky communities and families so severely affected by this most recent disaster. Thank you in advance for your prompt action on this matter."

Which is just a polite way of saying, "Gimme, gimme, gimme..." You get the idea. Hell, they even got relief for rich people with horse farms. Beg for quick money to his Southern state; mock Northern states for wanting the same. He's a uniter, Sen. Paul.

Just remember that you can't spell "pander" without an R, an A, an N, and a D.