Fifty Shades of West:
(Based on Rep. Allen West's 2003 letter to his wife making sexual and fashion demands. Almost all below taken from West's own words or from a certain spanking-filled trilogy of books.)
"Dear Angela, my loving wife,
"Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all? All of these women that have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness. We are not going to have our men become subservient.
"I'm a sadist. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore - my birth mother. I have been called Uncle Tom, a sell-out Oreo. I’m here as the modern-day Harriet Tubman to kind of lead people on the Underground Railroad, away from that plantation into a sense of sensibility. Now, I’m going to fuck you till you scream.
"You have proven repeatedly that you are not a lady, therefore, shall not be afforded due respect from me. I don’t care if you hit or miss, baby. I just want to see you partially dressed, stretched out on the billiard table.
"Do you want me to spank you? I’m talking about the heavy shit, Angela. You should see what I can do with a cane or a cat. I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass. But we’ll wait for that. Besides, it’s not something we can dive into. Your ass will need training. Oh yes. It’ll need careful preparation. I'm a man of my word. I'm going to spank you and then I'm going to fuck you very quick and very hard.
"From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations. I like the feel of this fabric on you. You should always be in satin or silk. I want to see your face while I spank you.
"You have such beautiful breasts. One day I’ll fuck them. You have such a fuckable mouth. Suck me, baby. I'd like to bite that lip. Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?
"I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’ I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.I would find you. I can track your cell phone–remember. This is it. I’m going to count to five again, and if you don’t give me what I want, I’m going to kill you. I don't make love, I fuck hard. If you follow these rules to my satisfaction, I will reward you. If you don't, I shall punish you and you will learn.
"I’m fifty shades of fucked up."
(Note: This could have been much longer, but the Rude Pundit couldn't stand reading either of these people anymore.)