A Day of Hateful Prayer Around America:
Goddamnit, the Rude Pundit totally missed the National Day o' Prayer yesterday. Why did no one inform him of it? Fuckity von Fuckington, how could he have known? The only mention on the TV that he could find was on Fox "news" program The Five (aka "The Inbred Cousin of The View"), when, at the end, one of the who-the-fuck-cares-who-it-was panelists mentioned it. Otherwise, nada. Radio silence, man.

Oh, now that doesn't meant that around the good ol' U.S. of motherfuckin' A. there wasn't the usual sticky orgy of God-love. When some random preacher says, "You gots to be prayin'," hands are goin' in the air because, really, what the fuck else do people have to believe in anymore?

In Gaston County, North Carolina, with its awesomely named county seat, Gastonia, four dozen prayifyin' peoples gathered at the courthouse, and, just like Jesus would have wanted, they prayed for the passage of Amendment 1, which prevents icky queers in icky love from getting married for forever in North Carolina. As Pastor Kevin Kellough of the trying-too-hard-named Church of the New Testament of the Firstborn put it, "We are ready and equipped as the persons and the sons of God to stand in the gap and make up the hedge, for there is ungodliness trying to redefine marriage." By the way, you gotta love "persons and sons of God." It's like Pastor Kevin forgot about women. Make of that what you will.

In Coshocton, Ohio, about 200 people got out in the steamy spring to get their pray on. Carol Lawrence, co-pastor of Shepherd's Christian Assembly (Who the fuck comes up with these names? It's like they roll dice with Jesus-sounding words on 'em and whatever random combination comes up, they use it) said, "Our country was based on Christian values, no matter what anybody says." And then her next sentence really was "It was founded with religious freedom." And then two sentences later, she really said, "I'm glad our leaders here in Coshocton will participate and are accepting of Christian beliefs in our community." Yes, the oppressed Christians of Coschocton finally got some recognition. The 50 churches for 11,000 people certainly operate underground for fear of Obama's Muslim stormtroopers coming in to squash it and paste beards on the men and staple veils on the women.

As for the President, well, Texas Governor Rick Perry has got you covered. "Let's pray for our president, for his wisdom," he said to "Amens" in Austin. "I pray that God pierces his heart." Is there ever a wrong time to imply violence? No, there isn't. And Perry hoped that Obama would "truly understand God's will to protect innocent life. I pray for his true understanding of God's will for this country."

The President had issued the customary proclamation of the National Day of Prayer, honoring soldiers, asking for special dispensations for the poor and sick. But he had to screw the pooch by saying, non-denominationally, "I invite all citizens of our Nation, as their own faith directs them, to join me in giving thanks for the many blessings we enjoy, and I call upon individuals of all faiths to pray for guidance, grace, and protection for our great Nation as we address the challenges of our time."

Shh. You know who he didn't mention in it? God (except in a pansy "in the year of our Lord" way). Oh, that'll come back to bite him in the ass. In the name of religious freedom, you know.