Favorite Out-of-Context Quotes From Last Night's Media Coverage of the Iowa Caucus:
Because, really, in the end, the only significance of the whole goddamn, bullshit exercise will be that it ends the candidacy of Michele Bachmann and forces us to deal with another couple of months of Santorum jokes and Ron Paul cult members desperately trying to get us to stop misunderstanding their leader and more until Mitt Romney is the nominee and he loses badly to Barack Obama, let's just have some fun with the endless coverage of the non-event that was the Iowa Caucus (Caucuses?). Essentially, for CNNMSNBCFox, the evening had all the drama of masturbation: you know that, no matter what freaky porn you decide to use to get off, the end result is gonna be the same. So, instead, here's stupid shit that people said last night:
1. "South Carolina is historically ugly." - Totally not-ugly blogger Erick "Erick" Erickson on CNN.
2. "I will have your back in Washington, D.C." - Totally not-gay candidate Rick Perry during his rape threat/speech saying, more or less, "Fuck all y'all. I'm goin' home." (Note: his campaign says he's making a last stand in ugly ass South Carolina.)
3. "We're in a prolonged bust." - Totally not-boobie-centric candidate Ron Paul in a speech to caucusers (Caucasians?) in Ankeny, Iowa.
4. "It could be a pig pile in South Carolina." - Bret Baier on Fox "news." Man, South Carolina must be filled with disgusting people. Or maybe that's just a Myrtle Beach orgy during spring break.
5. "I said the other night of The Godfather...I'm sorry. It must have been The Untouchables with De Niro attending the opera enjoying Pagliacci while his guy was gunning down Jimmy the police officer. I mean it's become that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." - Chris Matthews on MSNBC, talking about Mitt Romney's upbeat speeches and the negative ads his PAC put out. Maybe. Perhaps. Who the fuck knows, really.
6. "Going back to the time of William Penn who came to this country to bring the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ, to the time of the pilgrims who came here also to share the gospel of Jesus Christ, who stated that they willingly laid down their lives, literally as stepping stones, so that the next generation would prosper and know religious liberty." - Michele Bachmann, speaking to caucusuckers in Black Hawk County, pretty much saying why she came in last. Because Jesus hates her.
7. "I was a Fred Thompson girl last turnaround." - Totally not-incompetent pundit Dina Loesch on CNN.
8. "[I]t's where my grandfather came, back in 1925. He came by himself, even though he was married." - Candidate Rick Santorum, telling us way too much about his family and a spot you should perhaps avoid in Pennsylvania.