Cain in Vain:
So it was on Saturday that the Rude Pundit awoke and sat down on the couch with a bowl of cereal and a big ass mug of coffee. He turned on the TV and saw that the MSNBC was showing The House on Murder Mountain, and, really, with a title like that, it didn't matter what it was about. It could have been Care Bear furry snuff porn. He was going to watch. But, no, there would be no house, no murder, no mountain.
Instead, he was greeted by race traitor Alveda King, niece of MLK himself, talking about something worthless in front of a crowd in Atlanta. It was time, anchor Alex Witt told us, for Herman Cain to announce whether or not he was going to continue his campaign in the wake of a series of sexual allegations wherein the lobbyist and inspirational speaker either fucked or tried to fuck various women. But first we had to hear Michael D. Steele, the Army colonel who was reprimanded for giving orders that resulted in the deaths of Iraqi civilians. So, yeah. He barked at us about doing the Pledge of Allegiance like we mean it, not like we're a bunch of pussies who don't gun down unarmed civilians.
Then Cain, dragging his poor wife, Gloria, with him, walked up to the dais in shades, and, well, hell, you know what happened next. A few random observations here:
- Cain said, "The pundits would like for me to shut up, drop out, and go away." Speaking for pundits everywhere, are you fucking kidding? It's people like Herman Cain who make our jobs easier. Got nothing to write about? Huh. What crazy shit did Herman Cain say yesterday? That well is dry now.
- He also said, "[W]e know that those false and unproved allegations are not true." Umm, "unproved" means that there's a chance they could be proved. Just sayin'.
- Essentially, all Cain said was "Those women are liars and to prove it, I'm quitting my campaign. Kiss Herman Cain's ass and buy his book. Cain forever."
- One other note to all of the people who supported Cain and the "pundits" who proclaimed him the best, most authentic candidate who can beat Barack Obama, especially those made a big deal about his race: If your candidate says the word "Pokemon," not as a joke but as a source for a quote-worthy "poem," in his speech where he's quitting his campaign, he not only was never that serious a candidate, he wasn't that serious a grown-up.
Adios, Herman Cain. Your campaign was a success: You've lined up enough rubes who'll pay to see your egress to keep you rich the rest of your life.
Note: Everything you need to know about Herman Cain can be gleaned from a Godfather's Pizza commercial from 1988, when Cain was CEO, wherein a black guy tries to tell everyone he's exactly like the old white guy next to him.