Live Whiskey-Blogging the President's News Conference 3: Dark of the Moon:
Holy shit, Barack Obama's third press conference in two weeks? The man's gonna make the Rude Pundit even more alcoholicky. Luckily, there's a new bottle of Bulleit on the coffee table, so we're good to go. What's Obama gonna do today? Is he gonna bring out Eric Cantor's head with his eyes impaled with his glasses? (All quotes pretty much guaranteed to be wrong, but right in spirit.)

10:58: He's early. That upturns all those racist assumptions about BPT. And, no, no Cantor head.

10:59: "This should have been taken care of earlier," he says. Like maybe back during the budget negotiations? Wonder if snarkiness would piss him off.

11:00: "We have a chance to do something big...balanced approach...cut defense...stabilize Medicare." Same old, same old.

11:01: Says he wants more revenue, that rich fucks like him can "afford to do a little bit more." Michele Bachmann heard cackling madly from Iowa.

11:02: "It is hard to do a big package." True that.

11:04: He wants the big deal, and he throws out that a majority of Republicans want rich fucks to pay more in taxes.

11:05: Every time Obama says that "everyone needs to set politics aside," Paul Ryan says he's playing politics.

11:06: Yeah, yeah, we get it, you're not afraid to piss off Democrats.

11:07: Jake ("That Ass") Tapper asks for a definite "entitlement reform," which means "cutting Medicare and Social Security."

11:08: Obama says he doesn't want to current old people to get their blood all het up over anything. But he will look at how he can dick over future old people (the rest of us).

11:09: Adds "I won't dick you over as much as the Republicans would."

11:10: Ooh, nice point, actually: If we're gonna ask old people to give more money for medical care, then why is it bad to ask millionaires to pay more in taxes?

11:11: Jesus Christ, who's the greasy-haired, bearded dumpling sitting there? He deserves a drink. Cheers, dude.

11:12: Asked about a "middle road" on a bill. Didn't we veer off the middle of the road weeks ago? Aren't we driving in the right lane and trying to avoid going onto the shoulder?

11:14: Shorter version of his answer: "Those House Republicans are fucking insane. Haven't you been paying attention?"

11:15: Wonder if he'll mention peas again. Peas and band-aids.

11:17: "I think about this like a layer cake," he says, yet he seems to be describing more of a Napoleon.

11:18: Chuckie T asking about "regrets." And Obama throws cold water on the whole rumble at the negotiating table story.

11:19: Obama's puzzled that Republicans vote against something they previously supported when he says he's for it. Umm, that's not really even a Jumble-level puzzle there. Hint: it's because they're cocks.

11:21: Obama: "80% of the American people support a balanced approach." And then says that "members of Congress are dug in" to their ideological positions. But Democrats would support the balanced approach. It's a precious few Democrats and every Republican.

11:23: Balanced budget amendment? Who the fuck needs that? "We need to be willing to take on our bases," Obama says. Again: the problem ain't the Democrats. Stop lumping everyone together.

11:24: We cut taxes without paying for them, he says. Should add, "But, yeah, fuck, I still agreed to renew them." He's got this microphone. He's got this chance to say that Republicans are wrong. But instead, he's saying repeatedly that it's both parties. It's like having a shoplifter and a serial killer in the same room and saying, "Everyone is equally evil."

11:26: Thinks McConnell plan is weak sauce. There's no real point there. Just wanted to use the phrase "weak sauce."

11:27: "Even after being here for two-and-a-half years, I still have hope." Oh, poor Scarlett O'Hara, the Tara you loved is gone. (In context, is that racist? It probably is.)

11:29: Asked about tone of debate. Obama says that he doesn't read the reviews.

11:31: Says "Most of the things that I've proposed for job growth are traditionally bipartisan. But Republicans are cocks. Have you met them? Total cocks."

11:33: The press wants him to slam the GOP. They're aching for it. Obama keeps putting his faith in "the American people." Has he met the American people? Total cocks.

11:34: Question: "Do Republicans actually give a shit what the majority of Americans think?" Answer: "Every decision in Bush's second term."

11:35: Wait, what? He's gonna ream Republicans on his desk? No, he was talking about paper.

11:36: Which progressives in Congress is Obama talking about? Do any of them have the power to stop a plan from going through? Would any liberal Senators do that? Straw Democrats do not need to be created.

11:37: And with his "win the future" bizarro catchphrase, he's out.