Live Whiskey-Blogging the President's News Conference:
Ahh, the a.m. press conference, just time enough to brew up some strong coffee and Irish that shit up with some Bulleit whiskey. It'd be awesome if he came out and said, "I just got back from shoving tea bags up Mitch McConnell's ass, and, lemme tell ya, he was begging me to raise taxes and then he was begging me to keep shoving. I'll be presiding over his marriage to John Boehner this afternoon." That won't happen, but, ooh, let's see what does... (All quotes pretty much guaranteed to be inaccurate in word, but right in spirit.)

11:39: And away we go. Opening statement is the "Talkin' Economy Blues": Broken appliances, college tuition, no jobs...where's Bob Dylan with the signs?

11:41: Obama says, in essence, "Hey, Congress, howzabout a fuckin' job bills amid all the bullshit posing you're doing?"

11:42: Boo-yah. First mention of "deficit-reduction." And says that "We need 4 trillion in deficit reduction," which means that he's already ceded the home field advantage to the Republicans.

11:44: Obama: "I want to get rid of tax cuts for wealthy fucks." Hannity already breaking out the "class war" buzzer.

11:45: "Do you want sick old people to die in the streets or the Koch Brothers to buy a couple less cases of vintage pinot noir?"

11:46: First question from the AP: "Is Boehner a real motherfucker or just a poser motherfucker?"

11:48: Obama: "Call me 'naive.'" Okay, you're naive when it comes to trusting Republicans. Wait, no, that would have worked in January 2009. Now, you're just delusional.

11:49: Obama tries to offer an example of how rational people would compromise, saying that Democrats are willing to look at entitlements and other shit. Of course, again, you would have to be dealing with rational people. You are not.

11:50: Finally, Obama, on a big stage, calls out the GOP for protecting rich people and oil companies, saying that it's not "a sustainable position."

11:52: "Ask your constituents, GOP, if they want food safety or corporate jet tax breaks."

11:53: Yay, Chuckie Todd, asking the constitutionality of positions on Libya, the debt ceiling, and gay marriage. That's worth a shot of Bulleit.

11:54: Obama: "Yeah, yeah, fuck your question. Here's my prepared remarks on Libya which seem uncomfortably like what both President Bushes said about Iraq, including about how Qaddafi kills his own people and threatens America."

11:56: "Carried a big load." Tee-hee. Sounds like poop.

11:58: Says that the Libyan operation is "limited" and "helps a lot of people," so War Powers Act can kiss his ass.

11:59: "And now, Chuckie T, let me give you my prepared answer on gay marriage. I hope you enjoy it because people worked really hard on it."

12:01: Says that "each community" should work through "these issues." So what he'd have preferred is no federal government action on segregation? On interracial marriage? On women's rights? Be fucking consistent.

12:03: "We're moving in a direction of greater equality." Yes, nice, with over 40 states with amendments banning gay marriage. It's like going to a parking garage and being told you can only use 9 spaces.

12:04: That garage metaphor was pretty stupid.

12:05: Wonder if reporters miss being called nicknames that make 'em seem like they're the bitches of a Deliverance hillbilly.

12:08: Trade stuff. Know it's important. Boring. Need more liquor lunch.

12:09: So bored that the Rude Pundit is mocking Dave Weigel on Twitter.

12:10: Question: "What's the procedure for torturing terrorists now that we can't torture them anymore? Should we just kill 'em?" Stupid goddamn question. How about "We'll cross that bridge"?

12:12: Short answer: "We'll kill 'em."

12:13: Fox question: "Are you a douche or a shithead?" (Actually, "Can you tell the families of the soldiers what's victory in Afghanistan?" Pretty much the same.)

12:15: The real answer is "Victory is getting the hell out of there with all their limbs." But Obama is making a case about Taliban out of power, al-Qaeda not viable, standing up Afghan military, and hoping that a civil war waits for a couple of years. It's like when you bump into something stacked in a grocery store and run away before it collapses.

12:18: Another Libya question. Another answer where he says that "NATO is in control." Of course, NATO is mostly, you know, us.

12:19: "If John McCain says something is important, it must be important." Really? No, really? Have you met John McCain?

12:21: Okay, just fucking stop it. Stop talking about Qaddafi. It just sounds creepily like the build-up to the Iraq War. "He needs to go"? Jesus.

12:23: "No, ha, ha, you're not gonna trick me into saying I support gay marriage."

12:24: "I cut taxes. Can I make that any fucking clearer? Why don't you fucking report that?"

12:26: Is it racist to say that not a goddamn word that Spanish reporter said was understandable? Because it probably is. Pretty sure she was asking if he thought the Rock was any good in the latest Fast and Furious movie. He was fine.

12:29: This is all distinctly uninformative.

12:30: More debt ceiling fun from CNN's Jessica Yellin, replacing the fallen Ed Henry.

12:31: Obama: "Hey, thanks for repeating right-wing talking points on the debt ceiling dates. But it's wrong."

12:32: "This is not an abstraction." Michele Bachmann immediately issues press release saying that Obama is an elitist who loves Picasso.

12:33: Obama calls bullshit on other Republican talking points on paying some bills but not others. Tim Pawlenty immediately issues press release saying to make himself still seem relevant.

12:34: That Picasso joke was lame, too.

12:36: Obama says that he doesn't want to "engage in scare tactics." Reporters don't understand how that works.

12:37: "Malia and Sasha are better than your children. They get their homework done a day ahead of time. Your kids are sucking down giant sodas and watching fail videos."

12:38: Says GOP "needs to do their job." Doesn't understand that as far as they are concerned, they are doing their jobs.

12:39: Ooh, snap. He just threatened to cancel Congressional vacations. "You stay here. You get it done. I'm staying here."

12:42: Wrap-up time. Time to trot out ordinary Americans, circling back to the "Talkin' Economy Blues." Cue Bob Dylan.

12:44: Touts job creation of Alcoa, one of the world's worst polluters. Well, if the earth crumbles, we won't need to worry about infrastructure or jobs. And we're done.

(Note: Bulleit is spelled "Bulleit," not "Bullheit," as it stupidly was spelled earlier.)