BP Oil Spill One Year Later (Part 3): Ways to Celebrate the Anniversary:
We all need to hold hands and sing a song of thanks to our corporate overlords today. The Rude Pundit's got a few ways you can join in the fun of celebrating the day men died, sea life got fucked, and lives got ruined:
1. Strip yourself naked. Pour a bucket of sweet light crude oil over your head. Stand on an American flag. Finger your asshole until you achieve orgasm. Wipe yourself with the flag.
2. Dangle your nuts or a tit over a bear trap. Drop ping-pong balls emblazoned with BP's logo on the bear trap. When someone points out that this is a bad idea, tell them that what you're doing is perfectly safe.
3. Take a shit in the corner of your boyfriend's kitchen. Smear it around when you're cleaning up, toss some bleach on it, and declare it clean. When your boyfriend complains that you still left shit on the floor, tell him that the corner was pretty dirty to begin with.
4. Fill a bathtub with water. Put in one drop of 10W40 and one drop of a chemical dispersant. Ask your best friend if she wants to bathe her baby.
5. Build a tree house out of balsa wood. Invite the neighborhood kids over. Charge them to use it. Step back and watch the fun.
6. Take the shell of a sea turtle that washed up on the shores of Louisiana. Paint sea turtles swimming in a clean ocean on it. Sell it as ironic kitsch.
The Rude Pundit asked Facebookers for their suggestions for a proper celebration, and they tossed up a bunch. Here's a few of 'em:
7. From Stephanie O.D.: "I'll be covering myself with toxic chemicals, claiming that everything's fine, and hugging everyone."
8. From Kymberly L.: "Our sewer pipe is being dug up, yanked out, and replaced with something that doesn't spew filth all over the landscape. How's that for a celebration? BP - watch and learn, you rancid assholes."
9. From Robert E.R.Jr.: "By fueling up my Ford truck and driving nowhere for no reason whatsoever. It's the American Way."
10. From Josh C.: "Probably just contemplating the relative helplessness of even a large group of outraged individuals against a deeply-entrenched, incredibly wealthy corporation that's been in a multi-tentacled, tight embrace with our supposedly representative government for decades. And crying."
And, of course, from Dave A., "With a 'junk shot', baby!"