Iraqi Elections: Ejaculating on Our Faces and Telling Us It's Diamonds:
Oh, luscious straight women, you know how it goes. You're in the bedroom with this hot guy who's making all kinds of promises about how much he loves to eat pussy. Man, if sex was a smorgasbord, all he'd put on his plate is a pile of pussy. At least, that's what he says. But before he goes down on you, because he's gonna be so goddamned good, he wants you to blow him first. Well, you figure, at some point, that was gonna happen, and since the rewards are journey on clit-tweak express and an epileptic seizure of an orgasm, why not? So you start giving head, and you realize a few minutes in that this is not gonna be a quick task. Oh, no. You're deep-throating and nibbling and sucking on balls, and he's moaning, telling you how good it feels, how good you are, how he's gonna come soon. But he ain't coming. You know the rest of this. How you bob on his knob and yank on his crank until you're just exhausted. How, finally, after he's jacked himself off into your mouth, he finally shoots a load right in your face, telling you how good you look glistening with his semen. And you know the ending: it's your turn and this fucker doesn't know a labia from the hole in his pillow he must have practiced on. The evening ends with him satisfied and you with chapped lips above and below. You not only didn't come, but you found the whole experience a waste of time; the only cold comfort is when he says, "Damn, you know how to suck a dick." Yeah, thanks. There is that.

Right now, the coverage of Iraq is all about how a democracy is slouching its way out of the muck left behind by all of our interference in that country (going back to our Frankenstein monster, Saddam Hussein). Newsweek's grossly exaggerated cover that read "Victory At Last," with its photo of a sauntering George W. Bush on that aircraft carrier, is perhaps the most egregious example of supposedly objective news telling us how our dick sucking lips are so fucking sweet. The article itself, while hedging a bit on the headline, is still replete with examples of how this apparently lovely, if spotted, moth is emerging from its gory cocoon. (It's interesting that one of the article's writers, Christopher Dickey, also has a piece on how the battle for control of oil could do in these baby steps.)

"That is good news for Iraqis," says the New York Times of Sunni participation in this week's elections. The Washington Times opines, "Nothing says 'mission accomplished' more than a low-key election in a country recently beset by nationwide conflict." Dale McFeatters of Scripps-Howard writes, "[I]f democracy does take hold in Iraq, this election and those that follow will become the reason we fought this war."

The Rude Pundit received a phone call yesterday from his friend Neil, who had a different opinion of the purple-fingers of freedom: "Wasn't the war supposed to make America safer? What the fuck?" He's right. On a "hey, good for you" level, the Iraqi elections are just super. But no one in Washington is now declaring that we are in any way safer because we spent trillions of dollars and got thousands of Americans killed or wounded. We weren't sold the war on the basis of Iraq needing a vote box security force. It was weapons of mass destruction, and then it was generic American safety. Now it's for the glory of democracy. The desperate panic of 2003 that led the nation to recklessly go for the big trophy of security has given way to the small consolation prizes of today. Whatever the fuck you wanna call Iraq, it ain't victory in any way we were supposed to measure it.

But, hey, good for you, Iraq. You had an election with only a few dozen people getting killed. And, war supporters, including ones who now regret their votes, you enjoyed getting your dicks sucked. But now that the rest of us are sitting here with jizz on our faces, we're pretty sure we're not gonna get our rocks off.