Republicans Decide to Engorge the Whole Reagan:
Upon the moment he gave up the ghost in 2004, a cabal of conservatives had a mold taken of Ronald Reagan's face. The mold itself has a sacred place of honor at RNC headquarters, and every time Republicans are newly elected to Congress, another death mask is made and sent to fresh Senators or Representatives to hang in their offices, horribly white and wrinkled, mouth agape (because they couldn't get the jaw to shut), and with drilled eye holes to stare at them as a reminder of why they even exist anymore. Some Democrats even request a special one, just to show where their alliances really are. (Funny story: George W. Bush tried to get a mold made of his head, too, but no one could convince him that he had to be dead first. The effort to do it without smothering him led to brief hospitalization and the "pretzel-choking" cover story.)

Less known is another mold made by an even smaller cabal of what used to be called "ultra-conservatives." Waiting until rigor mortis had stiffened it into a fine, final erection, a mold was made of Reagan's cock and balls, to be held in a secret location until these former extremists should become mainstream Republicans. No one actually thought it would ever happen, so it seemed more a ceremonial effort.

However, production has now finally started on a hard silicon, flesh-colored Reagan dildo to be sent to every Republican. The demand is that, in order to re-demonstrate their dedication to all things Gipper, Republicans in Congress must send a photo of themselves pleasuring Reagan's dick to the RNC. It's no longer enough to have dead Reagan gazing down at them constantly. Now, a good GOP member must use Ronnie's member in order to maintain conservative street cred, according to a tiny group of newly-empowered right wingers.

They've sent out a short list of "Places of Insertion" where Republicans can use the dildo, just in case they need reminders. They include, as one might imagine, "the Teabag," "the Bachmann (for women only)," the "Lindsey," and a special oral one officially called "Creme DeMint," but also nicknamed "the Lieberman," which requires a deep-throating with ball-cupping. The photos will be sent to Karl Rove for safekeeping.

For so very long, Republicans have dedicated themselves to Reagan above America, as if the latter doesn't exist without the former, that they may as well declare themselves pure in their worship.